jacked17 Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 My ex-girlfriend and I broke up officially over 10 months ago. I was a wreck and did some of the most insane things possible. Called her over and over, begged for forgiveness etc... It got me nowhere and she moved on and started a new relationship right away with a new guy and they moved in together after about three months. I respected her wishes and I left her alone. We had maybe 2 or 3 brief conversations over time mainly because I ahd 2 relatives who passed away and she was offering her sorrow. Over this time I went out and made a lot of new friends and met a lot of new women and essentially was having a great time. We ended up talking over the fourth of july for a little bit and I finally decided to unblock her from Aim and realized I was about 98% over her so I was ok with doing that. We ended up briefly talking online and then that turned into us emaling each other back and forth at work. It was small talk but then she started asking me to hang out over and over again. Everyday she would ask me to hang out so I caved in and said sure it'd be nice to catch up. While we're hanging out she says to me the reason I wanted to do this was because I still have feelings for you and I don't get what we had from my boyfriend. This hit me like a ton of bricks. It literally came out of nowhere. We've been talking about it for the last week and she's been telling me she's been agonizing about what to do and she says part of her wants to get back together with me but part of her wants to see where it goes with her boyfriend. I just don't know what to do. This girl broke my heart when she broke it off with me for someone else. I've had fun with a lot of other girls but nothing like what we had. I'm incapable of being friends with her because if I keep talking to her and hanging out with her I'm going to want to get back together with her and that's not a guaranteed thing. I'm just so confused on what to do and how I should proceed with this. Part of me wants to get back together with her and part of me just wants to stay single and keep looking. I'm so confused.....
SwayLady Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 It's obvious what's happened here. Your ex has been going through a rough patch with her bf, hence I feel is her reason for calling you and asking you to hang out with her. She's simply using you as her 'safety net', incase all fails with her bf. Your ex says, that she still has feelings for you and that she doesn't have with her new bf, what she had with you. So let me see....things are better with you, yet she wants to see how things progress with her new bf, before coming back to you. Surely and if she really thought that things were better with you, she'd be ditching the new bf, to return to you?? She's placing you 'second best' IMO. And would you be happy taking her back, in the knowledge that she only came back, because her relationship with her bf failed?
loveinlife Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 It is a sticky situation. You would have to decide if going back with her will make you happy. SwayLady is correct on her points that she "might" be using you as a safety net. However, my point is that she wants you back but is afraid of your rejection bc of what she has done to you. Sorta like an ego trip to protect herself from hurt. If it was me, as I love my ex very much; I would go back with her no matter what she did. Must forgive her though, maybe second chances are better bc you guys have learned how to deal with each other. Good luck, I wish you the best on your decision with your ex and would be happy for you.
britchick Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 She may have got to the stage of looking back at her relationship with you and seeing only the good bits. If you let her back into your life, you run the risk of her turning round to you at some point and saying ....'Well, actually, I was right the first time, I don't want to be with you.' You will then have to get over her all over again. If she was really serious about this, surely her current boyfriend would be her ex by now. I would agree that you are a safety net, just because she is having troubles with her bf, doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be used.
newbby Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 It's obvious what's happened here. Your ex has been going through a rough patch with her bf, hence I feel is her reason for calling you and asking you to hang out with her. She's simply using you as her 'safety net', incase all fails with her bf. Your ex says, that she still has feelings for you and that she doesn't have with her new bf, what she had with you. So let me see....things are better with you, yet she wants to see how things progress with her new bf, before coming back to you. Surely and if she really thought that things were better with you, she'd be ditching the new bf, to return to you?? She's placing you 'second best' IMO. And would you be happy taking her back, in the knowledge that she only came back, because her relationship with her bf failed? i agree, but dont think she is doing this as a conscious thing. you should definetly keep away from her. tell her that talking about this is pointless since she is not single, and that if she becomes single to get in touch with you then and discuss it. then either do nc, or keep things light, small talk etc, if she starts talking about this stuff again, remind her that it is pointless, especially if she is trying to find out if you will have her back, dont answer that one. she could just be using that as an ego boost to keep her feeling good with the new guy.
Miss1984 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 It is exactly as Loveinlife says. You need to think hard and work out if getting back with her will make you truly happy. If not, then the relationship has no future- at least not a happy one, and it will end up making you more miserable. It's difficult to go back, your relationship would never be the same. Wouldn't you feel paranoid and insecure that she might change her mind and end things again? Now you know how it felt to lose her, do you really want to go through all that again if it doesn't work out? You might both have idealised things in your head- the reality may be that getting back together isn't all you hoped it'd be as there are so many issues between you now. I don't think she is doing this deliberately to hurt you, though. She clearly cares about you deeply, but is also very confused. Just because you miss what you had, doesn't mean you should go back there- because you can't recreate it after all that's happened between you. Neither of you know what to do, you are both torn between going back and seeing what else is out there- her with her BF and you with other girls. If you're both so curious about what else is out there with other people, chances are you could have commitment issues between you and be tempted to see what else is out there. It's clear neither of you are sure enough to make a definite decision, is it worth taking such a big risk to end up hurting more? If it hurts to be with her and hurts to be without her, you are better off leaving it and walking away. That way you'll get over it eventually, but staying with her will only prolong the inevitable heartbreak longer and make it worse in the end. You've proved that you can move on, as you've made steps forward in being with other girls. It's not what you had with her, but you could find something better- you just haven't met her yet. OR you haven't been open to meeting the right girl yet because you're keeping your ex too close to you and comparing everyone to her. If you do decide not to go back, I'd suggest you cut all contact from your ex, because as you say, it'll only end up in you wanting to be with each other again and you'll go round and round in circles. But in the end, you can only do what you feel is right, just make sure you think your decision through carefully before doing anything else. Hope this helps.
torturedlove Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I so understand your pain, I was in a very passionate affair for over a year. We actually had been friends since childhood. Anyway the relationship ended 15 !! years ago, and probably not a day has gone by that I don't think of him. He is my name:torturedlove:) Anyway we both went on with our lives and are both presently married. Well he just emailed me about 2 weeks ago, and we talk (via email) every day. Started out by just catching up, has now turned to sexual reminecing and such. Now propositioned with meeting him. I have been faithfull to my present husband for 13 years. I know he has messed around a little on his present wife but no actual sex with anyone. I want to see him soooooo badly, but honestly don't know if I would trust myself withhim. I have an okay relationship with my husband -not great, allot of sex but that isn't great either he sufferes from ed. I definetly remember the GREAT sex with this man. WHAT TO DO??????????????????????? TORTUREDLOVE
Fun2BMe Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 I think this is a good thing. You liked her when she left you for someone else. She now sees that you are the one she prefers to be with and has told you so. Put your pride aside and take her back. Sure there is a risk things might not work out, but being in a relationship is to take risks. You can either take the risk of getting hurt in the hope that you will be in a happy loving relationship, or you can continue to feel hurt, fight your feelings, or to get over her and not put yourself into the situation that could be your true love. The alternative could've been for her to be happy with her new bf and choose him over you.
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