consternation Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Oh dear Posh. I have to say I can't see anything good for you ahead with your MM. I think you really need to re-centre on yourself. I don't really know what I can say to help you because I'm not sure you're in a place where you can hear right now... Would grrl power stuff help? YOu are a strong independant woman who runs her life and takes care of another and you don't need anyone!!! This too, shall pass.....
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2006 Author Posted August 30, 2006 Thanks to you both and I do hear you. I know I have no choice in any of this anymore and have to get on with my life. I am just scared of how I am going to get through it. I hve brilliant friends and family who are there for me but I am sure they're all sick of listening to my whinging by now (although I still do!) Feel like a complete self-pitying, self destructive idiot. Still waiting for the phone to ring and for him to change his mind but know it ain't gonna happen! Feel like my future has been taken away and wish I had never told anyone (particularly my family) about our relationship but then at the time I seriously thought he was going to leave and be with me. Just shows how wrong you can be. I feel completely stupid and gullible! This website does help a lot though. So good to hear from others who have been there.
consternation Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Yes... things have ended badly, but does that mean that the whole thing was a waste of time? let's face it, it's not the first relationship to end badly and there's no reason for you to feel humiliated. It's always so damn hard to believe at the time... but the wonderful thing about life is that there truly will be something else around the corner. You just have to give yourself that chance to get there. And the longer you take to accept that this stage is over... the longer it will take for you to get on to the next one and the happiness it will bring. I know it sux.
movinon05 Posted August 30, 2006 Posted August 30, 2006 Having lived through what you have, but for 7 yrs, I saw all the signs but regrettably did not say anything to you. I thought perhaps you needed to find out for yourself because I could have been wrong. Well I think you see now that he has made his decision and I'm very sorry you've gone through this. I can tell you it is possible to get past it even though it may not feel like it right now. If I could get past 7 yrs, you can do this as well. Try to have faith that the future holds better for you. Its no cakewalk going through the angst and drama. You will soon be glad to not have those anxious moments constantly in your life. Be good to yourself and try to let it go. I think texting him or contacting him anymore is only going to bring you more pain. You don't need more pain. Its time to let go. You will be okay. (((Hugs)))
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 After a bad night and feeling no better this morning I ended up giving in (yes, I know I have zero willpower!) and phoning MM. Well, I say I phoned him; I did, but after two rings thoughs better of it and hung up. Immediately he phoned back. I ignored that but then when he phoned again I just had to answer. Don't know why or what any of this was going to achieve but I guess I just wanted to hear his voice. Fortunately, this conversation wasn't such a bad thing. He was a lot more honest with me than he has been in a long time. We did go round in circles for a while but I feel we eventually got somewhere in that there is finally some sort of closure which I desperately needed. He did tell me he thinks about me every day and I know he still loves me but that he just can't promise me anymore that he will be with me. He said it was unfair of me to ask whether he still loved me as whatever his answer it wouldn't make me feel any better, as, at the end of the day, he still wasn't leaving. Shame he didn't think like that earlier but, hey, what can you do? He told me that the only thing he needs at the moment are his kids and that they mean the world to him (of course I knew that). He doesn't want to sneak around and hurt them so I just have to respect that and move on. However, he does't think things will improve with his W and there is still a possibility that he could leave. He said he knows I am after some sort of reassurance from him but he can't give me that. I told him that I just want him to know that if he does ever leave and still wants to be with me then he must call me. Of course, I can't promise that I will still be available but I don't want him to think that he can't try. This probably makes me sound like a total mug but it helps at the moment. He said that without a doubt, if things changed, I would be the first person he would call. Ok, he may just be saying that to make me feel better but it helps for now. So, that's it. Over, but this time with more closure I feel. I really have to try and get over this myself. I don't want to keep texting/phoning him and doing his head in. I care enough about him to let him get on with his life without me and would like him to be happy whether with or without me. Now starts the real grieving process.......
consternation Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Posh... it's still long long since the breakup with your ex... do you think maybe you never dealt with all that? and that there was some kind of protective thingy happening, going for someone unavailable or a commitment issue, etc etc... It sounds like you haven't been properly on your own for a long time and maybe it's going to be a bit of a journey for you getting used to that... I know this is really hard aye.
Author PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2006 Author Posted August 31, 2006 Posh... it's still long long since the breakup with your ex... do you think maybe you never dealt with all that? and that there was some kind of protective thingy happening, going for someone unavailable or a commitment issue, etc etc... It sounds like you haven't been properly on your own for a long time and maybe it's going to be a bit of a journey for you getting used to that... I know this is really hard aye. Yep, so so difficult. Have been in bits this morning and ended up phoning my friend at lunchtime and crying my eyes out. All part of the grieving process I suppose. Think you're right, C, re never having dealth with the break up with my ex. MM and I were friends at the time and I suppose he was there for me to take my mind off things. Because of the split being my decision I had to be the strong one. I was going from staying at my Mum's overnight to going back to the family home and taking care of my son during the day. Because of this I was seeing ex every evening which was very emotionally draining for both of us. He was getting very upset and thought I was really hard for not doing so but I didn't want any hassle because of my son and maybe, if I'm honest, didn't feel I had the right to get upset. Also, I thought that if I did he might take that as a sign that I wasn't totally happy with my decision, which I was. MM was obviously going through a difficult time in his relationship too so it helped to have someone to talk to. That's how I ended up falling in love with him I suppose. He was, and still is, an amazing person. God, I'm just rambling now but you know what I mean. I know he's a cheat but he's not a bad person; he's trying to do the right thing by his kids and cares about them more then anything and if he wasn't like that then he wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with. I know this sounds melodramatic but at the moment I feel like ending it all. Ok, I know I will get over it eventually but at the moment that seems like such a long way off and I really don't know how to cope with it all.
reneet Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Thanks to you both and I do hear you. I know I have no choice in any of this anymore and have to get on with my life. I am just scared of how I am going to get through it. I hve brilliant friends and family who are there for me but I am sure they're all sick of listening to my whinging by now (although I still do!) Feel like a complete self-pitying, self destructive idiot. Still waiting for the phone to ring and for him to change his mind but know it ain't gonna happen! Feel like my future has been taken away and wish I had never told anyone (particularly my family) about our relationship but then at the time I seriously thought he was going to leave and be with me. Just shows how wrong you can be. I feel completely stupid and gullible! This website does help a lot though. So good to hear from others who have been there. HE'S THE LOSER IN ALL OF THIS!!! NOT YOU!!!
consternation Posted August 31, 2006 Posted August 31, 2006 Posh I know it seems hopeless right now. I think you have to accept that this is one of the hardest things you have to get through... for some reason it's always a billion times worse when you are the one pushed away than the other way around - I think it's the loss of control and rejection I suppose. Are you still going on holidays? Try and be kind to yourself ok. I know you have the strength to get through this and some man will be thrilled to have you when it's ready. Do what you have to, but you must pull through. I wish I could help more.
Author PoshPrincess Posted September 1, 2006 Author Posted September 1, 2006 Do what you have to, but you must pull through. I wish I could help more. You have helped me, C, as have others who have given their advice. It's just been brilliant to get some of this stuff off my chest and speak to others who really know how I am feeling. Yes, I am still going on hols on Monday and although I am going to miss my son terribly I think it will be just what I need. I am going with a very good friend of mine who I know will be really supportive and will try her hardest to kick me into shape! A bit scared of coming home to same old same old but have to try not to think about that. This is goodbye for now, while I try to sort my life out. Hopefully next time I post a message on here I will be one step further on the road to recovery! Thanks again.
consternation Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 Try your best to have an AT LEAST passable time Posh! We will be expecting at least one good-time-on-holiday story!
silktricks Posted September 1, 2006 Posted September 1, 2006 MM was obviously going through a difficult time in his relationship too so it helped to have someone to talk to. That's how I ended up falling in love with him I suppose. He was, and still is, an amazing person. God, I'm just rambling now but you know what I mean. I know he's a cheat but he's not a bad person; he's trying to do the right thing by his kids and cares about them more then anything and if he wasn't like that then he wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with. Going directly from one relationship into another is usually not a very good idea. You don't have any "down" time to find yourself. Your energy goes from one SO to another when your energy really needs to be focused on yourself and your needs. Many people, however, do make that immediate transition because we view ourselves so poorly. We seem to assume that we are not good company for ourselves, and try immediately to fill the void of the absent SO with another warm body. You call the MM an amazing person. And I'm sure that at this moment in time he seems such. However, with distance comes perspective, and in time you may see him as an entirely different person from how he seems to you now. He is, as you said a cheat. He cheats his wife, and he cheats you from a real relationship. He talks pretty words to you (and probably to his wife as well), but even when he tells you he is never leaving his family, he holds out a carrot to hopefully keep you enthralled to him. Don't lose yourself over someone like this. With time, I believe the amazement you will feel is that you ever had the feelings that you are now feeling over him.
Guest Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 Hello Posh, how are you? Have you had any contact with MM? Your situation is a little similar to mine. I left my husband and immediately became involved with a MM, who was a friend. We have only stopped our involvement in the past few days but I have come to the conclusion that he was "comfort" for me after leaving my marriage. His touch, the way he looks at me, his voice it was all "comfort" and it helped me deal with my situation.
Author PoshPrincess Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 Hello Posh, how are you? Have you had any contact with MM? Your situation is a little similar to mine. I left my husband and immediately became involved with a MM, who was a friend. We have only stopped our involvement in the past few days but I have come to the conclusion that he was "comfort" for me after leaving my marriage. His touch, the way he looks at me, his voice it was all "comfort" and it helped me deal with my situation. Guest, I wish I could think like that. I think I did the comfort thing with someone else whilst in my relationship and was over that by the time I met my MM. After returning from holiday last week I posted a new thread as follows:- "Back from my holiday now. Last spoke to MM two weeks ago today but have had a few relapses here and there. After that conversation I felt more philosophical. We'd had a really nice chat and I felt that we'd come to an understanding re NC. I thought I could do it as he had specifically requested me to and knew we both had to be strong. This wasn't just about me and my feelings this time. That weekend I did ok. On the Monday (the day of my holiday) I popped into town to do some last minute shopping. On the way back I passed him in the car. By the time I'd got in the house my phone was ringing and I knew from the caller display that it was him. As tempted as I was there was no way I was going to answer as I knew it would be a total head f**k and I didn't need to go away feeling like that. Of course, the next day, lying by the pool in Turkey with a few too many drinks inside me I texted him. Nothing major but he texted back asking if I was ok. I was kinda like, "Course, why wouldn't I be?" He replied "I saw you yesterday. Be careful, there are a lot of w**kers out there - yeah, worse than me! Take care have fun". Of course, that did my head in even more. I ended up calling him but he didn't answer so I left a voicemail. That was Tuesday. By the Friday, with some help from my friend, I decided to text him and tell him he was out of order for phoning me on the Monday and could he please leave me alone like we agreed as he was seriously f**king with my head. I didn't get a reply and honestly didn't want one as knew I would then be tempted to send another back, leading to me feeling more frustrated when he didn't reply to that. V depressed and anxious coming home from hols and worried how I would cope with the NC. He's off to a gig tonight and I know from a friend that he is not going with W and kids. Initially the four tickets were for him, kids and 'probably his sister' (although I didn't believe him at the time) but I thought that now things have changed he would definitely be taking W. Made me feel a bit better to know that he wasn't. Maybe he made a point of telling my friend that, knowing she would pass it on to may, though what he felt it would achieve I don't know. Ended up texting him this morning saying "do not reply" and wishing him a good time, saying "think of me when Robbie does Advertising Space, haha" as I know it reminds him of me! Don't help myself do I? Missing him like mad. How can I be stronger? It's his 40th in a few weeks and know that as I have nowhere to send him a card I will end up texting. Really thought we'd be together for that too which is so hard!!!! Aaarghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am SO frustrated with all this". Almost one week after writing this and still NC. I say that; he tried phoning me on Friday night but I managed to ignore him. Luckily I have caller display! My Mum was there and was very angry that he was trying to get in touch but she doesn't really understand. He's finidng it difficult, as I am. It was very hard for me not to speak to him but I have obviously moved on a bit as I now ignore him knowing that if I didn't I would feel far worse after speaking to him, whereas before I was so self-destructive I didn't care. I would torture myself by speaking to him and suffered the consequences afterwards. None of this is to say I'm ok now. Still missing him desperately and my heart aches for him every day. I have been tempted to contact him SO many times but so far have resisted the temptation. If he wants me he knows where I am. If his call was important he would've left a message but he didn't - and if he was that clever he would call me from a withheld number, which I almost want him to so that I can answer not knowing it's him, if you know what I mean. Does that sound totally crazy?! I know it will kill me to chat with him about the same old stuff when nothing has changed. I'm glad you feel you are moving on from your R. I hope I will get there in the end. You never know, one day I may wonder what I ever saw in him!
sapphire0903 Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 I am all for honesty. Even if things do not work out with MM at least you know you have been honest with him and yourself. Hopefuly he is also being very honest with you. By being truthful, you are really putting yourself "out there" and being vulnerable, but on the flip side, if you dont then you will constantly wonder "should I have told him?" "Would it have made a differnece?" I think it is more of what YOU are comfortable with. IMO All relationships require honesty, otherwise, it is an illusion. Good Luck, and TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!
Guest Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 So very sorry you are having such a hard time, I do understand and wish I knew the magic words to make it better.
Author PoshPrincess Posted September 21, 2006 Author Posted September 21, 2006 So very sorry you are having such a hard time, I do understand and wish I knew the magic words to make it better. Thanks so much. I would give anything to wave a magic wand and either make him be with me or else make all the feelings I have for my MM disappear. Woke up this morning feeling like I was totally losing it. Had a really bad nights sleep plus dreamt of him which didn't help. Ended up going to the docs and he has now put me on anti-Ds. What with that and the counselling hopefully something will help soon. Unfortunately, on way out of docs I saw my MM. I was walking along road and thought "Oh my God, I so don't need this!" as he pulled up almost alongside me as I thought he was stopping to talk to me. I thought he must have seen me but he went straight into the shop. I ended up texting him on my way to work saying, "Blanking me in the street now. Charming!" He told me to phone him so, like a mug, I did. Sort of glad I did now as we talked for ages. Mainly just general chit chat but it was so nice to hear his voice again. He said he hadn't seen me and couldn't believe I thought he would ignore me. I just assumed he was trying to do the right thing and didn't want to do my head in. We chatted about a mutual friend who is in a relationship with another woman's man so inadvertently talked about our situation. I told him that when she says to her man "if you leave" he always tells her "not if, when!" which is exactly what my MM said to me. MM said he heard they were moving in together. Told him that it hasn't happened yet as he has to leave his woman first. Said, "You told me you would marry me, don't forget, and look what happened!" and he was still saying, "As you told me before, I need to get a divorce first. It could still happen!" Like my head isn't f**ked up enough already! It was nice to hear though. He even said he was smiling for the first time in ages. Just can't hold out any hope but, of course, all the time he says things like that I am still going to think there's a chance for us. I so wish we could be friends but I don't know. Will see if he contacts me I suppose.
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