Should I just be honest about my feelings?

[PoshPrincess]

Hey guys, feel like I'm stuck in a rut re my MM now and could really do with some advice. For those who haven't read my posts I was in an A with my MM since last August. We eventually 'sort of' ended things in May this year altho were still in contact. In July he texted me to tell me that his FIL had arranged a hol for him,wife & kids which MM was not at all happy about. He didn't want to go but I told him he should as kids would be disappointed and that it could even be good for him and W (not that I really wanted them to sort things out but did want him to be happy or to at least decide what he wanted). He phoned me half hour b4 hol telling me that he still loved me and that it was so good to know I was there for him (first time he had told me that for weeks).

 

Fast forward three days and I had heard nothing from him, despite txting to make sure he was ok and having good hol. I went out, got drunk, slept with someone else and texted to tell him. V immature I know but I was at breaking point. I kinda though that would either make or break things but when he returned 2 weeks later nothing had changed apart from the fact that his daughter had read my txt (not the first time but she'd thought we were no longer in touch at all).

 

Since this hol him and I have been acting like mates. We haven't seen each other but have spoken on the phone a couple of times a week. He has spent a lot of time with his daughter sorting things out and she is a lot better. She had loads of probs b4 which was his main 'excuse' for not leaving. As far as the W is concerned things are no better on that front. I am trying to be there to give him advice and just be a friend but it's v hard.

 

We have agreed to go for a drink when he can get out next but stupidly I texted him this morning saying that maybe he would rather not as he wouldn't want to rock the boat at home if we were found out just for the sake of a drink with a 'friend'. I haven't had a reply yet.

 

Basically what I wanna know is do I admit to him that I am still in love with him? Since the hol I have been v cool so he may think I am no longer interested in that way. We have admitted that we miss each other and he did tell me he still fancies me but I have made it clear that I don't wanna be his OW again. My Dad thinks I should lay my cards on the table and tell him how I feel and one friend has says I am giving him mixed messages but suggesting that I am not bothered whether we have a drink together or not when clearly I am.

 

I did tell him yesterday that I hate seeing him unhappy and that he should do something for himself for once as he told me he was only really still at home for the kids. I would be tempted not to believe this but my Dad did exactly the same. He stayed in an unhappy marriage with my Mum for years and years because he thought it was the easy option. He only left when he was in hs late 50s and felt like he has wasted many years. Of course, only my MM can come to this conclusion about his life.

 

Sorry - I am REALLY rambling and have probably not explained myself too well but I am having a very bad day today and know that you guys will be 100 per cent honest with me.

[newbby]

in my opinion somebody pretending not to have feelings for me at the end of a relationship is very offputting. people know when you still like them, what is the point? AND if it is over, it would also be better for you to have NC. yes, tell him that you cannot be just friends, you dont have to go into any detail about your feelings. then do NC. i know its not easy, but its the best thing to do.

[consternation]

Posh you have got yourself in a bit of a pickle. I guess my first thought is that you shouldn't tell him. Unless something has changed.... otherwise it seems to me that you are doing what you're doing now for good reasons (not continuing in emotional thingy with him) and those reasons still exist.

 

This is basically a relationship which has not worked out and so standard moving on rules apply... sigh. Do you want to rehash the emotional saga with him?

 

What benefit do you see coming from telling him? I'm sure he knows how you feel. I think it might be best to let him either a. sink into despair at losing you & facing his loveless marriage or b. realise he can chug along pretty well without you and he doesn't want to leave at all.

 

I know it sux

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this crap and I guess my main feeling is that I hope you can try and move towards getting control of your life back... you seem really frustrated and maybe you feel you want to take some action to get to resolve the situation (either way). I guess I just don't think you can....

 

Is there a hug icon? If so, imagine it here >> << lol Have not heard from my MM since last Sat. Am trying not to think about it. Everything is taking me twice as long though as it's so hard to focus.

 

You will get there! After the storm comes the rainbow!! Etc etc!!!

[PoshPrincess]

Thanx both of you. I'm a complete mess at the moment. I know his situation hasn't changed but then I think "is he just not telling me because he thinks I've moved on?" One minute I think there is nothing to gain by telling him I still love him but then I think there's nothing to lose either. I guess I am just having a seriously bad day today (well, and yesterday) but will hopefully see things clearer tomorrow.

 

Consternation, you're holding out well. I should really go NC too, I know that. After hearing from him yesterday. although it was brilliant while we were speaking, as soon as I put the phone down I felt like crap again. I suppose it just reminds me of what we used to have together (and what we still have but without the talk of love, commitment, leaving, etc!) I go on holiday in a week's time so maybe it will be a good time to sort my head out once and for all. Hugs to you too x

[consternation]

Well yeah... what good would come of you telling him you love him AND... what good would come of him telling YOU he loves you?

 

Since he's not going to act on it (apparently) wouldn't it just end up making you feel more frustrated?

 

What did he say when you asked him if he would leave previously?

[PoshPrincess]

What did he say when you asked him if he would leave previously?

 

It's kind of weird because he was the one who started talking of leaving, marrying me, the whole works. I have NEVER given him an ultimatum. I wanted it to be his decision and to leave for himself, not for me. It's only after W found out and he said he would tell her he wanted out that I expected it to happen. He had serioius problems with his daughter which was stopping him leaving at that current time, then his Mum was in hospital for four months.....always an excuse I guess. Since I 'sort of' called time on the relationship in May we have never really discussed it. I suppose I want to know would he leave now if he thought we could be together but then again I am scared of his answer. At the moment I don't know if he's settling for second best, taking the easy way out, or if he geuinely does want to be with me but thinks I've changed MY mind. V frustrating. God, I must sound like a total head f**k!

[newbby]

so posh princess, what you actually WANT is for him to leave his wife and have an exclusive r with you. what you are asking is how to make this happen from where you are?

you are scared to tell him how you feel for fear of rocking the boat, and at the moment he thinks you are just friends?

there is a difference between being cool and being cold. being strong and being hard, etc i think stop playing games, but that means stop letting him have this control over you at all. tell him the truth without being mushy, and then do nc.

this is what i think.

[Fluffyllama]

I really do sympathize with your situation. I too, wanted him to leave for himself and not for me. That didn't happen (he's a massive coward), so I instituted nc about 3 months ago and am very happy I did. Now, i've freed myself up for someone better (and i'm kidding myself if I say there's no one better). One thing I did not do was pretend to be "friends". I don't believe it is possible for everyone. That may have been a mistake on your part, but just from my perspective. I'm not you, so I can't say for sure.

[whichwayisup]

but I have made it clear that I don't wanna be his OW again

 

Because of this, do NOT tell him how you feel about him. If you really want the affair to be over and done with, NEVER speak of your feelings. Close that door forever.

 

Stand up for yourself, respect yourself and walk away. This man is NOT going to leave his wife, even if things aren't great with him and his wife. His actions are showing you this, as well as him having second thoughts even seeing you "as a friend."

 

I'm sure it's painful and going to be hard to do, but you have to emotionally detach from him and END it completely. You cannot be friends with him, not even casually because you still have romantic feelings for him.

[PoshPrincess]

I'm sure it's painful and going to be hard to do, but you have to emotionally detach from him and END it completely. You cannot be friends with him, not even casually because you still have romantic feelings for him.

 

I know you are right but I don't feel strong enough at the moment. I am so scared of not having him in my life at all and as I said, worried that he does want me, but doesn't think I want him, therefore if I have NC without first telling him how I really feel, it will just reinforce what he believes.

 

Newbby, you're right what you said - if I do tell him, do it without being mushy. I would have to. There is no way I want to get upset or act too lovey-dovey towards him.

 

To all of you. I know what I should do; it's having the guts to go through with it. Some days I feel stronger than others. Right now I am desperate to contact him but won't. Haven't had a reply to my text this morning so for now the ball is in his court. This at least will give me time to think. He's getting quite predictable in when he contacts me now so I reckon it will be Wednesday. In fact, it always seems to be on the nights my son is with his Dad, almost like MM wants to know what I am up to, who I am with, etc, which of course he has no rights to ask but does all the same. When I have my son he knows I will just be sitting home alone.

 

Maybe he's suffering as much as I am. Good, but he's made his bed.

[Fluffyllama]

Hmm..you mention you are afraid of not having him in your life. What exactly does he contribute to it that you are afraid won't be there anymore? From the little I've read about your situation, he contributes pain, anxiety, heartbreak, frustration and not much else. Just something to think about..

 

I agree with whichwayisup that you first have to cultivate the respect within yourself to undestand you deserve better. That is easier said than done, but necessary. As long as you believe you deserve this kind of crap, that's what you'll keep getting from him, because I also agree he doesn't seem to have the guts to leave no matter how bad things get.

[PoshPrincess]

Hmm..you mention you are afraid of not having him in your life. What exactly does he contribute to it that you are afraid won't be there anymore? From the little I've read about your situation, he contributes pain, anxiety, heartbreak, frustration and not much else. Just something to think about..

 

Thanks FL, that certainly is something to think about. Your comment really has given me food for thought. When we MM and I were actually seeing each other things were fantastic; he gave me everything emtionally and I couldn't have asked for more. But now? You're right. What exactly does he contribute? When I speak to him it's just like old times but as soon as I put the phone down I feel like crap again.

 

Had a really bad day yesterday. Actually sent him a text message that was meant for a friend of mine. It mentioned him and that I still had feelings for him. He phoned me and asked was it true but I couldn't even be honest. I just made a joke out of it as usual. Why? I don't really know. Chatted to him for quite a while and he ended up suggesting that we may go out for a drink at the weekend. I don't build my hopes up anymore though as I know it's unlikely to happen.

 

I know I am really going to have to think about our relationship and decide to do something once and for all. I am going on holiday the week after next and I think I should use that time away with no distractions to consider what I want to do. Of course, I know what I should do. Just wish it was that easy. I know I should have more self-respect, that's for sure.

 

Went to see my counsellor last night. Ended up crying. MM was all I talked about. Didn't feel it helped much last night but then maybe I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. Didn't really feel like talking. She just kept looking at me with that sympathetic look, probably thinking I'm a total mug!

 

I love MM with all my heart but I am starting to think he's just having a bit of fun with me and stringing me along and if I think that, then what's the point?

[Sami_D]

Because of this, do NOT tell him how you feel about him. If you really want the affair to be over and done with, NEVER speak of your feelings. Close that door forever.

 

Stand up for yourself, respect yourself and walk away.

 

I don't really follow this.

 

PP, it is possible for you to tell him how you feel, tell him what you want AND respect yourself and walk away (and go NC if necessary).

 

No one 'has' to have an affair with someone just because they have feelings for them, or has admitted feelings for them.

 

However, I do think that continuing to be 'friends' is actually more or less akin to an EA, and probably serves a similar purpose for MM... he gets to see you, share things with you, have a laugh with you, know that someone cares about him (even if it's 'just friends'). In fact you being his 'friend' does exactly what an A does for a floundering M: keeps the MM 'happy enough' to continue being M.

 

I really think that you have nothing to lose by telling him your true feelings. You don't want an A, so you don't have to have one! Tell him how you feel, then tell him you can't continue this 'being friends' thing. And tell him that you will be going NC, in order to heal and move on.

 

Then allow some time (if necessary) between you to discuss the implications of this... and go NC. That way you will get a definitive answer from him. He will either leave the M and come and find you... or you will be moved on from the A and into a new life without him.

 

At the moment, what you are (both) in is limbo.

[Fluffyllama]

However, I do think that continuing to be 'friends' is actually more or less akin to an EA, and probably serves a similar purpose for MM... he gets to see you, share things with you, have a laugh with you, know that someone cares about him (even if it's 'just friends'). In fact you being his 'friend' does exactly what an A does for a floundering M: keeps the MM 'happy enough' to continue being M.

.....

Then allow some time (if necessary) between you to discuss the implications of this... and go NC. That way you will get a definitive answer from him. He will either leave the M and come and find you... or you will be moved on from the A and into a new life without him.

 

At the moment, what you are (both) in is limbo.

 

 

I agree with this 100%. The above paragraphs are the exact reason I refused to be friends with my exMM. I wasn't about to make it easier on him while making it more difficult for myself.

Well said!

[PoshPrincess]

Thanks Sami D, that's really good advice and I will go with it (if I can ever pin him down for that drink, that is). I hve been thinking along similar lines myself as I know I can't go on like this. Haven't heard from him for two days and it does my head in, even though I know we're 'just friends' so why would he have to contact me? All sorts of things go through my head, is he just playing it cool because I am, etc? And what FluffyL said about 'what does he actually contribute to your life' also really made me think. I am going to sit down and write a list about all the good points/bad points about being with him and everything I want to say to him when I see him. I know now that there definitely needs to be a cut off, for my own sanity. NC is the only answer.

 

I really hope I can have this discussion with him before I go on holiday so that I have a week away from everything to get over it!!!!

 

Ladies, do you think I should contact him now and ask him specifically to meet me so that we can talk or should I just wait for him to contact me, bearing in mind that could be a long time?

[Fluffyllama]

Just wait.

Personally, I didn't give my ex a choice in the matter. I cut him off, but I was so mad at him by that point, it didn't matter whether he contacted me again or not. He persisted in sending my whiny bitch e-mails which were highly annoying, so I simply changed my e-mail address. It was a difficult thing to do, to erase him from my life, but I'm glad I did it. Now, I know that if he bothers me, it's because it is in my own head. Nothing more.

 

I think if something is hurting you, get the hell out.

 

But that's just my own opinion. Easier said than done, sometimes.

[PoshPrincess]

Just wait.

Personally, I didn't give my ex a choice in the matter. I cut him off, but I was so mad at him by that point, it didn't matter whether he contacted me again or not. He persisted in sending my whiny bitch e-mails which were highly annoying, so I simply changed my e-mail address. It was a difficult thing to do, to erase him from my life, but I'm glad I did it. Now, I know that if he bothers me, it's because it is in my own head. Nothing more.

 

I think if something is hurting you, get the hell out.

 

But that's just my own opinion. Easier said than done, sometimes.

 

I changed my phone number a few months ago, moved house, moved jobs, so he had no way of contacting me (didn't do the latter two because of him of course, but you know what I mean) but still ended up giving in. I am so weak it's untrue. I just missed him so much.

 

One thing I do know is that I can't just go NC or ignore his calls. I feel like I need 'closure'. I had a relationship end once before, years ago, that was never really finished as such and it took me a long time to sort my head out and make sense of what happened. I know that I need to sit down with MM and say, "Look, this is the case....." and then for one or the other of us to say, "Right, it's going nowhere, it's finished". Maybe then I will be able to move on. God knows I need to. I am confused as hell.

[newbby]

i think you are right. you do need to tell him where you are at. otherwise you will not get closure and you will likely contact him again, you will always wonder "what if". tell him where you stand, what you want, and that you cannot have contact under any other condition. this is not the same as giving ultimations or putting pressure on him. it just means that he has a choice, have you, and only you, or remain married without you.

what is holding you back? i guess that you are scared because deep down you suspect that you will not really get what you want. you may not, but, at least you wont be here, confused and without closure, unable to move on, with him calling all the shots. another thing, knowing what you want and not settling for less is highly attractive.

[newbby]

unless of course you would rather just be the mistress, which is a possibility i didnt consider..

[PoshPrincess]

unless of course you would rather just be the mistress, which is a possibility i didnt consider..

 

No way, that is definitely one thing I don't want. I love him and want him, but want him exclusively. I don't want to be sneaking around, not being able to be seen in public, lying to everyone and all the other crap that goes with it. I never liked it before and certainly don't want to go back there.

 

I was obviously having a strong moment because at 2:45pm (UK time) I sent him this text:-

 

Rite, ok, I am being 100% honest here and will probably live to regret it. Wot I said in that text [the one I sent to him by mistake that was meant for my friend - see earlier post] was true. I DO still have feelings for you. I wish I didn't but now you know. Would like to meet with you to talk before I go away. Just text to say yes or no. If it's no then I will make other arrangements for getting to the airport as otherwise it will be v embarrassing for both of us!

 

No reply as yet and it's been 2 1/2 hours. Wouldn't be surprised if he just ignores this text which will really wind me up but as I said, I've gotta to something. I DO need closure. Hope he doesn't ring though as I find it very hard to discuss things on the phone.

 

Not at work again now until next Tuesday so unlikely to have access to the net but will keep you posted. May be a complete wreck next time I post on here but would like to think I will finally have seen the light!!

[newbby]

well done PP. at least you will get your answer one way or the other. i think you should be prepared that when you intiate nc he will at some point try to break you down. he will be at his most charming, and his most convincing, nut you have to stick to your guns. make sure he knows he is not to contact you unless he is single.

[PoshPrincess]

well done PP. at least you will get your answer one way or the other. i think you should be prepared that when you intiate nc he will at some point try to break you down. he will be at his most charming, and his most convincing, nut you have to stick to your guns. make sure he knows he is not to contact you unless he is single.

 

Thanks Newbby, dreading it all but at least I will know, as you say. I personally don't think he WILL try and contact me once we go NC as he's a lot stronger these days and has been a lot cooler than me but fingers crossed.

 

Thanks again for all your advice ladies. Looks like this is the beginning of the end........

[lovernotafighter]

hey I think you did the right thing..one way or the other..it's better than moving sideways isn't it?

[PoshPrincess]

Well, it's now five days of NC with MM and as difficult as hell.

 

Basically last Thursday night he went mental at me for texting him at home but I was getting desperate. He sent me a horrible text telling me that I had made him 'look a prick'. I replied that he didn't need me to do that for him as he had done a perfectly good job on his own. A bit childish I know but I was SO angry.

 

On Friday once I had calmed down I called him, told him exactly how I felt as really had nothing more to lose. We had a half sensible conversation about stuff. He admitted that he still wanted to leave but didn't say he wanted to be with me (although didn't say he didn't want to either!) Said he was there for his daughter. He said he had been mad at me the night before because his son had been using his mobile phone and had read my text but that it didn't matter as his son was 'cool' about it, whatever that means. No doubt told him that he hadn't contacted me but that I was stalking him or something. Despite the difficulty of the conversation he still managed to have a joke and make a flirty comment. I told him that if he told me he would leave at some stage I would always wait for him although would have to do NC. He said he knew I would wait and we kind of left it at that. I texted him a little while later just to summarise everything I had said as I felt I never really got an answer from him (as usual). He replied telling me to 'move on' and that he had enough grief in his life to sort out and didn't want anymore 'aggro' (meaning me!) Charming, eh? That really hurt me and made me feel like I AM a stalker. It's not as if I've been doing all the running. And why couldn't he have said all that on the phone? Didn't have the balls I suppose.

 

Anyway, I suppose I know where I stand now. Saturday was V difficult as we would've been together for one year so now I am going thru the 'this time last year' phase. Also, I think today is his wedding anniversary (or some time this week). If I was even more unhinged I would borrow someone else's car and sit outside his house just to see if he takes her out. Luckily, I haven't gone quite that crazy yet and would only be making more of a fool of myself but I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from. Also, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter now, does it?

 

Now I've got it into my head that he is having an affair with someone else although God knows why. Did text him this morning about the new song by Lemar which isn't really my sort of thing but totally sums up how I am feeling at the mo. I told him he had done the right thing, not for me obviously but for himself (doubtful), his W and kids but to do himself a favour and not put anyone else through what I am going through now. I don't think he would be that stupid but I guess you never know. Told him not to reply to the text. Didn't want to be sitting waiting for him to contact me...would just make me feel worse. Anyway, I know he means business now as he wasn't in the pub on Monday (his only day he's normally 'allowed' out) as he knew I would be in there.

 

Went shopping yesterday to buy an outfit for a wedding but just felt sad thinking that MM would not see me in it. When I got invited I seriously believed we would be together. How mad is that?! Felt what's the point in making myself look nice but know I need more self-respect on that score.

 

Thanks for listening x

That's my rant over with. Feel totally empty now.

[whichwayisup]

He replied telling me to 'move on' and that he had enough grief in his life to sort out and didn't want anymore 'aggro' (meaning me

 

Then do just that. Move on. Put yourself first and get away from him! This relationship you have with him is very unhealthy and doing damage to you and your self esteem.

 

Focus on fixing your life, keep busy and hang out with friends who will help you through this. Allow yourself abit of time to grieve him, but don't sit and mope. He isn't worthy of your tears!