Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 We've been married for 6 years, together for 8. We have 2 small kids. He is european, and Im american. We met while I was on vacation, and we decided to move in together after knowing each other for only 1 month. We lived together in the States, and were engaged after a year. We moved to his country when I became pregnant, and I fell into a deep depression-- I had a very bad birth experience, had never lived away from home before, didnt speak the language, etc etc. Plus, our sex life had taken a complete downward spiral. He is very intelligent, kind, funny, caring. Except he is, and has always been very unemotional. At first I thought it was shyness, and when we were together, I had my friends and family around, so I didnt really notice as much... I really notice now... Since our 1st child was born, we have grown more and more distant. We had another child 2 years ago, but it was really just so our 1st wouldnt be an only child...The night that she was conceived was the last time that we made love (maybe once or twice in the almost 3 year period) My husband and I both carry alot of past hurts and baggage around with us, and started seeing a councellor a year ago-- due to financial reasons, we cant really see her as much as Id like. At this point though, I dont even know why we go-- Im not sure he wants to work things out between us. I feel that he just doesnt want to be the one who breaks up our family. He is a good father and our children love him so much-- I just dont want to break them up. If we got divorced, I dont know what I'd do-- I feel like a stranger in my country, now. Plus Im just starting to make a life here, but I don't want to be sentanced to live in this country for the rest of my life (with no family, etc). He doesnt have a green card, so wouldnt be allowed to work in the states, and there is no way I'd put my children on a transatlantic flight by themselves... I don't think this is the only reason why we're not getting a divorce-- but sometimes I think it is. All I know is that we don't kiss, hug, hold hands, touch...I am so incredibly lonely, plus I feel guilty that my son will grow up to think that this is the correct way to behave, and that my daughter will accept this behavior from the man in her life... Tonight we had a babysitter for a few hours. We got in an argument over the restaurant, and made excrutiating small talk over a beer. We didnt say a word all the way home, but I couldnt stop crying. Of course, when we got to the door, I had to suck it all in and put on happy face for the kids-- I feel like such a lyer because I know they know we're not happy. I dont know what to do...
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 It doesn't really sound like divorce is what you want, sweetie. It sounds to me like what you REALLY want is more attention and affection within the marriage. What you might do is to read some books on the subject of Emotional Needs. Books like The Five Love Languages and His Needs/Her Needs will get you started. There's also a questionairre over at marriagebuilders.com you can take. Reading through their Basic Concepts section won't come amiss either. Meantime, give some consideration to self-fulfillment in the pursuit of some of your personal goals. Then make something happen that's JUST FOR YOU. Whether it be studying for a career, or something small like working a part-time job or spending time in your hobby.... the idea is to develop at least a small aspect of your life that's separate from the wife and mommy role.
Guest Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Meantime, give some consideration to self-fulfillment in the pursuit of some of your personal goals. Then make something happen that's JUST FOR YOU. Whether it be studying for a career, or something small like working a part-time job or spending time in your hobby.... the idea is to develop at least a small aspect of your life that's separate from the wife and mommy role. Thanks for writing-- the thing is is that I decided to start my own company, and even though this is just the first year, things have really taken off-- not financially, but I have made a lot of headway this year. At the same time, he was laid off in March. He knew it was coming, and he rec'd a large package, so hasn't really had to start looking for a job until recently. It would be easy to say that it was the pressure of us both being home, the new dynamic that my business is creating in our relationship, etc etc-- but it's not. We were fighting like cats and dogs before the lay-off, so much so that I was dreading it for months in advance...So I don't think it's that, really. Once during our counceling session she asked what an "ideal" relationship meant to both of us-- I said that it would have 2 people who have their own interests, own space, etc., but are able to move in and out of their shared space and still be at ease and confident with the relationship. He said that his ideal couple shared the same space all the time, and that should be enough for both of them! (I don't know how to say it really-- I just meant that I prefer to be my own person, have my own private space, have silent time just for me-- I feel like after taking care of my children, my business, the house (ha!)-- I feel that there is only one small morsel of me left and I HAVE to keep it for myself, otherwise I'll die. He feels that I should give that morsel to him, and that I don't love him because I don't. These types of arguments have grown and grown until this point-- I was taking care of the children this morning while he was running errands. He came in and we started snapping at each other (I had forgotten to close the window on my pc-- it was opened to the quiz on the marriagebuilders.com page-- he yells out, "What's this? What kind of sex quiz is this?"-- not angrily, just kind of surprised. I was instantly furious because I felt he was invading my privacy again and we started snipping at each other. Our 4 year old interrupts us with, "Not again! Not again you two! You two always talk mean like that" I felt so bad-- Dh and I played "nice nice" for the rest of the day, and I felt nauseous about it (of course...)
Ladyjane14 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Try this.... Type into your browser, "Why Men Leave Women, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there. Read it as if YOU were the man and he was the woman in that particular scenario. Weirdly enough, some of the emotional markers that are usually associated with men are more in line with MY particular personality, and some of the traditional female ones are more in line with my husband's. So, in our marriage... HE is the one who needs conversation and I'm the one who needs solitude. I don't think that's quite as rare as what folks might think, even though we might define it as stereotypical. I get what you're saying about needing that one last little piece of yourself to call your own. But perhaps it wouldn't be such a bone of contention if you were feeding your husband's EN for time together and conversation each and every day. It's kind of like watering a plant, really. You give it a good, deep watering so the roots will grow down, rather than just sprinkling it on top. Try to lay your hands on those books I mentioned. You might try some international outlets like amazon.com. Fulfilling ENs makes ALL the difference, not just for him.... but for you too.
Gunny376 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Try this.... Type into your browser, "Why Men Leave Women, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there. Read it as if YOU were the man and he was the woman in that particular scenario. Weirdly enough, some of the emotional markers that are usually associated with men are more in line with MY particular personality, and some of the traditional female ones are more in line with my husband's. So, in our marriage... HE is the one who needs conversation and I'm the one who needs solitude. I don't think that's quite as rare as what folks might think, even though we might define it as stereotypical. I get what you're saying about needing that one last little piece of yourself to call your own. But perhaps it wouldn't be such a bone of contention if you were feeding your husband's EN for time together and conversation each and every day. It's kind of like watering a plant, really. You give it a good, deep watering so the roots will grow down, rather than just sprinkling it on top. Try to lay your hands on those books I mentioned. You might try some international outlets like amazon.com. Fulfilling ENs makes ALL the difference, not just for him.... but for you too. You're Hard Corps! And I'm being serious about this. Me? I'm Hard Corps. I've been taught, trained, and conditioned! I've spent 20 years of my life ~ my adult life hearing the words, "Suck It Up!" and "Do or Die" On the left hand ~ I have compassion. On the right hand ~ I have none. I've been weak minded, yet I'm not a weak-minded person! I've not faltered in the face of the enemy! I've come to realize ~ that I've been galvainaised! Strenghtened by my experiences. Thanks for the link to DD! It gave me, .............I've regained my Marine arrogance! (LOL! I know you're spiting coffee through you nose! as you read this! That was too funny!)
Ladyjane14 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 (LOL! I know you're spiting coffee through you nose! as you read this! That was too funny!) It was Cranberry Grape juice with Club Soda... thank you VERY much. Club soda notwithstanding, I think you owe me some cleaning!!! At least send me some windex for my computer screen.
norajane Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Plus Im just starting to make a life here, but I don't want to be sentanced to live in this country for the rest of my life (with no family, etc). He doesnt have a green card, so wouldnt be allowed to work in the states, and there is no way I'd put my children on a transatlantic flight by themselves... Your husband would be able to file for permanent resident status (green card) if you are a US citizen. It's a tedious process, but you've been married for 6 years and have children, so it's just a matter of doing the paperwork.
Gunny376 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 ~It was Cranberry Grape juice with Club Soda... thank you VERY much. Club soda notwithstanding, I think you owe me some cleaning!!! At least send me some windex for my computer screen. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks! Club Soda with cranberry juice. It just never crossed my mind! Have you heard from DD? God! Your posting his story changed my life! It released me. It freed me! I can move forward now!Took over two hours to read, but I know I'm good and righteous man because of you! I! You're good people!
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Dear Guest, your marriage will either work out or not. You will either fix it or choose to live unfixed or get divorced. But you don't have to decide right now. Let the thought of divorce develop slowly and naturally, let it console you when you're angry as in "soon this will be over." You could move to the US and then apply for his green card and divorce later, but I guess that's not a good idea except as a temporary solution. I don't know, but you can probably find information on the Immigrations' web site. Can he visit the children? Is he from one of the European Union member countries? If he is eligible for the visa waver then he can fly to the United States every year. I know it's very hard to live with someone you love and want and not get his affection. But that's what communication is for. In my opinion, if we could only find ways to communicate properly with our husbands, we could go very far in love and friendship. But they close up in their shells and refuse to talk. They are right, we are wrong. Period. Don't bother around the small things. Just work on the big ones: communication, affection, attention, love, friendly attitude... forget the you did this you did that type of arguments. All those stupid argumentscome from one thing: general misunderstanding and incompatibility. But you'll never be perfectly compatible with anyone. Most women who feel very sad in their marriage are neglected emotionally.
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