Baileykeg Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Can someone please tell me what to do. I am in so much pain and life just doesn't seem worth going on with anymore. I don't even know where to start my story. Here's the short version: My boyfriend and I met in high school twenty years ago. We dated very briefly off and on during the college years and then drifted our own ways. We always had a very intense connection between us that has kept us often thinking of each other during the years. During the last 20 years we have kept track of each other through our mutual friends. He married about 5 years ago. I never married but I have a son from a previous relationship. I ran into my boyfriend last Christmas after having not seen him for many years. We exchanged contact information and promised to stay in touch. He was living in another state at the time (in a separate state from his wife). We began talking and he told me that he had been separated from his wife for 7 months. He told me the marriage was over and he wanted to see me. We began seeing each other and quickly blossomed into a very intense, loving, emotional relationship. He says he loves me, wants a future with me, wants children, wants to be a father to my son. He treats me and my son amazingly well. Fast forward eight months to today. We have built a deeply emotional loving relationship and he is everything that I ever wanted. We both make each other very happy. So what's the problem? He can't seem to find the strength to file for divorce. He says that he is struggling with getting over the thought that his wife was supposed to be the person he would spend the rest of his life with, would have his children, etc. He has been separated for over 15 months now and is still no closer to being ready to end a relationship that is so obviously over. I don't understand and I don't know what to do anymore. He and I have had numerous conversations about his inability to file for divorce. He says he feels guilty for hurting her, feels like a failure and doesn't know what he wants. He says he knows that he and I would be happy together but that he can't seem to let go of the past in order to allow us to move forward. He says he loves me but that he can't maintain what he calls a normal, healthy relationship with me until he resolves his issues with his wife. We can't move forward until he does. So, I told him I would let him go and give him the time alone that he is asking for. It's been 2 days of NC and I want to die (some times literally). I am so devastated and in so much pain. I know divorce is hard but there is so much that I don't understand about this situation. Why risk destroying what makes you truly happy to go back to a situation that made you miserable? How do I get through being without him? Will he come back? Am I wasting my time here? I am second guessing my decision now to let him go and want to beg him to go back to at least what we had. I need him and I don't know how to stop the pain. I want to pick up the phone and call. Someone please help me....
newbby Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 i think you have done the right thing. it seems he began the relationship with you before he had come to terms with the end of his marriage. it doesnt sound as though the relationship with his wife will continue, i think after this amount of time it would be rare, it is not as though he went straight into another relationship. nobody can tell you whether he will come back or not, but, you are doing the right thing. if you had continued the relationship his doubt would have built up and eventually destroyed your relationship anyway. i am pretty sure that once he has space to work things out he will come back to you, just when he does make sure that he really is sure about it. i know it must be tough, but hang in there.
Author Baileykeg Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Thank you. I just feel so empty right now without him. Everything about our relationship feels "right". We've never had a fight and can talk to each other about absolutely anything...good or bad. I know this is what I have to do in order for us to be able to move forward together. I'm just so afraid that he's not going to come back and then I'll have to grieve all over again.
newbby Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 so, do your grieving now, and then if he comes back it is just a bonus. fill your life with other things (not men), and get spiritual or something. if he comes back you will be even more attractive because of all the great things you have been doing, and if he doesnt, well, you will feel better anyway.
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 You have done a very, very brave thing. Essentially you have put all your commitment, your emotional investment, on the line. If your feelings are truly reciprocated, and it seems to me, from your account, that they probably are, then what you are doing will put your future relationship on a very firm footing. He will get through this period of (understandable) confusion and see who is there at the other side. This could be the best decision you ever made!! Good luck.
Sami_D Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 If you really feel you want to 'die' (sometimes literally) when you think of living without this man, then NC is a good thing for YOU anyway. Because you need to get some strength back, and some perspective, and some self-belief and love of live without him. Feeling like that is very dangerous because it makes you SO vulnerable. I mean vulnerable to people treating you badly, to getting yourself into bad relationships, etc. As for him, he's told you that he needs time, needs to sort out his own mind and let go of the past. You made exactly the right choice in going NC. There IS no better decision you could have made, for you or for him. It really is the only way for your relationship to move forward. And in the meantime, YOU will gain strength from NC, clarity, and perspective. And those are great, I would say indispensible things in forming a mature relationship. The one thing I'm thinking of is your son... I assume you've thought of a reason to give him that your friend isn't going to be around for a short while? Business trip? How often have you been seeing him? Has he become part of your lives already or has it been visits?
Author Baileykeg Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 Thanks to those that replied. I made it three days with NC and caved this morning and called him. Right away he told me how much he misses me and how much he loves me. He said that he filled out the divorce papers over the weekend (which I must say did surprise me to hear). I don't know what his next step is as far as filing and I didn't ask. I just told him that I love him and I know what he is going through is hard so if he needs me he can call. My son is 2 1/2 and so far doesn't seem to ask why my boyfriend isn't around. We saw each other almost every weekend because we live in separate cities. Some of that time my son was with us and some of the time he spent the weekend with his grandparents.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Filled out divorce papers tend to do nothing but collect dust if they are never filed. By caving and telling him that you'll be there for him, you basically just told him in a nutshell that its ok to stay married: you'll be content with just being the OW.
Author Baileykeg Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I don't agree. We're still not seeing each other and have agreed try not to talk while he works on his stuff which is incredibly painful for both of us. I don't see how letting him know that I love him and that I will be here for him is a bad thing. He and I both know that we can't go forward until he gets things finalized and by putting our relationship on hold that is what he is trying to do.
Sami_D Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Baileykeg, only you can really know whether he's actually doing anything or stalling. And stalling is what so often happens, but that's ok in some situations, for a while. Ending a M is no easy task for anyone. However, I still think you need to keep up the distance you've put between you and him. Even if it's not complete NC, it needs to be (as LB pointed out) something that sends him the message that you are not prepared to be the OW. Something that shows him you're serious. I also still think that you need to take some time out and get yourself together a little, because it cannot be good to believe that you wouldn't be able to survive without one particular other person in your life. That's just not true, is it..? Take care.
Green Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I was deppresed but now I think this sad story pushed me over the edge good bye cruel world...
Author Baileykeg Posted August 23, 2006 Author Posted August 23, 2006 Thank you to those of you who read my long post and replied with some encouraging words. KMT why don't you just kiss my a**! People like you that take pleasure in other people's pain make me sick. Whether you approve of my situation or not I am dealing with an extremely difficult time in my life and I came here for some advice and some support...not to be laughed at by someone as shallow as you. Perhaps another forum would be better suited for your attempts at comedy. I failed again at NC and called my boyfriend yesterday. We talked briefly and it was more of the same from him...I love you, I miss you....but I know we have to be apart for him to be able to resolve his issues with ending his marriage. He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me but then will turn around a few sentences later and say he doesn't know what he wants. That hurts so much to hear. Why is he so confused when he tells me how happy that I make him? I just don't understand. How do I make myself stick to NC? Part of me really wants to do it for the sole reason that he expects me to call every couple of days because he know's I'm not strong enough. I want to be able to get past that and make him wonder why I'm not calling. I want him to have that moment where he realizes "oh my I may just be losing her by not getting my act together". Is that wrong for me to feel that way?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 1. Why is he so confused when he tells me how happy that I make him? 2. I just don't understand. 3. How do I make myself stick to NC? I want to be able to get past that and make him wonder why I'm not calling. 4. I want him to have that moment where he realizes "oh my I may just be losing her by not getting my act together". 5. Is that wrong for me to feel that way? 1. You are only getting one side of the story here. There may be parts of the marriage that make him feel miserable that he tells you about, and there may be parts of the marriage that don't make him feel miserable - in fact, there may be some happy moments in there but he wouldn't tell you about those. Divorce isn't black and white. There is a lot of grey area there: memories, shared experiences, happy times, sad times, etc. He married her for a reason. That reason is what keeps him hanging on. Things may have changed for him but he still holds those idealized happy times in his heart. That is the hardest thing to get over in a divorce: letting go of the idealized, even in the face of what has become a shamble of a marriage. Of course he is confused. He found happiness with you, but that doesn't cancel out the happiness he once had with his wife. Who knows, he may be trying to recapture that happiness without your knowledge and that is presenting a problem. It is hard to grasp onto something new when you are still clutching at the hopes of the old. 2. It isn't an easy thing for an outsider to understand, particularly when you only hear the bad parts. Who would understand why someone would stay if things are so miserable all the time? Like I said, you don't know the whole story here. He may confide things in you, but he won't confide in the things that he knows you don't want to hear. 3. By doing it. You need to tell him point blank that you cannot have contact with him until his problems are resolved. If he resolves them in your favor, then he will come to you when the time is right. If he does not resolve them in your favor, then you have to accept that it is over between you two - unless you convince yourself that you can be happy as nothing more than settling for the "OW spot". Why make him wonder? Tell him the truth: that you cannot handle this back-and-forth and that you need to have solid no contact with him for both your sakes. He can't resolve his problems with you involved, and you can't heal your heart and mind until you have time away of your own. Give him the opportunity to work on what he's got. Give yourself the opportunity to heal. No contact is the only way. 4. He will never reach that moment as long as you are in contact with him. He needs to see that wavering over this means losing you: period. End of story. Unless it reaches that make or break moment, you can look forward to a long drawn out period of limbo. More pain. No new contacts = no new hurts. 5. It isn't wrong to feel that way. Its fairly natural. What is wrong here is continuing contact when it is the very worst thing for you both right now. Neither of you can move forward as long as you are in contact. Take the risk. It is a chance you have to be willing to take. Is his love for you strong enough? You will never know until you walk away. Either he will come walking after you with signed and notarized divorce papers, or he won't. If he does, then you can work on building a new life together. If he doesn't, then you can work on building a new life for yourself.
Sami_D Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I think you should look carefully at LB's post. Being confused is the natural state for MM who want to leave, but can't manage to actually do it. Being there for them is the natural state for OW who don't want to be the OW but can't manage to break away. Both of them are saying what they want/need, but neither of them is acting on it. Which of you is going to be the one to stick by their word and actually DO something? It's going to have to be you, because, like it or not he's getting his needs met at this point, and you are not. YOU don't want to be the OW? Then don't be. As long as you wait for him, you're allowing him to continue in a M he doesn't want to be in. If YOU stick by your convictions (you are, after all, the one who is unhappy in YOUR relationship, with him), then you may get a result. OW... you SAY you want more... but is it only words? OR are you prepared to actually go out on a limb and do something about it?
Author Baileykeg Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thank you LB and Sami for you encouraging words....and that 's how I see them as encouraging to me to stick to NC and hopefully get the result that I want. It's been almost 48 hours since I last broke NC. Some times it is a minute by minute struggle to get through the day. I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to constantly remind myself that if I break NC then I am giving him the "fix" he needs from me and then I have to start all over again. My goal right now is to aim for 1 week of NC. Then when I get to 1 week I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to go for 2. So far, I haven't cried yet today so that's progress already. Baby steps.
Author Baileykeg Posted September 5, 2006 Author Posted September 5, 2006 Ok, after a week of NC he came contacted me and said he needed to talk. He showed up at my place and told me he was filing for divorce in a few days and that he was clear now that he wanted a life with me. A week has gone by and I asked him if he filed the paperwork. He says he didn't because his wife had a meltdown and begged him not to file the papers. (Remember that they haven't lived together for almost two years and during that time he's been paying her bills.) When I question him as to why he is reluctant to file he says that his feelings haven't changed and that he still wants to be with me. He says it just threw him for a loop that she would have reacted the way she did. He says that he knows that independent of the existence of our relationship that he knows it is best for his marriage to end. My question now is what do I do? He says he's supposed to talk to the wife again this week and wants to proceed with filing the papers. I believe that he is sincere but how many more times are we going to have to go through this cycle of her throwing a tantrum to get him to back off filing for divorce and then when he does she goes back to living her separate life. How long should I reasonably give him to get this done? I love him and want to spend my life with him and he says he feels the same. Any advice would help.....
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