Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Hello, I have been married for 13 years to a good man...He has provided well for me and my son. My son has now grown up and moved out of the house. I never really had love love for him but i knew he would be good for my son and i. He is however very very controlling and possessive and will not let me breath. I love him but only because ih ave spent 13 years with him.... I guess like a brother. We still have sex but its just to satisfy him I HATE having sex with him. I totally want to leave but feel so guilty. WE had a discussion last night and he said that he has never been so insecure about his marriage as he has been in the pat year. I want to leave and go on my own and live my life and never EVER be controlled by another man again.... I am looking for jobs as i stay at home right now. Someone called me for an interview and he got mad and said i was trying to leave him. Their has been times when I have had the chance to say I want to leave but it just doesnt come out because i dont want to hurt him. I almost said it last night but his face started getting really red and I felt really horrible. should I just stay here and live the rest of my live or be woman enough to tell him i want out. There is no other person in my life its just that we are total opposites and my friends even said before we got married that we shouldnt do it because i am fun loving and love life and people and he is very serious and controlling etc..... but i think in my mind i thought he would be a good provider and for me to just deal with it and settle i guess. I dont know... I wish someone could tell me if i am gonna leave and to jsut do it now!!! help me somebody
Tony T Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 This is a man you need to get away from. You need to take a lot of the responsiblity for having remained with him all these years...and you need to take full responsiblity for leaving. He's not going to make it easy. See an attorney about your rights. You may be able to move out right away and get temporary support from him. I also suggest a restraining order to keep him from contacting you if he's going to be a jerk. Since you have not been working during the marriage, you may be entitled to support until you find a decent job. Why stay miserable. This is an uncertain world and we can be gone any minute. Why spend these great days of life in such pitiful circumstances. I hope you didn't do it for your kid because I'm sure he was miserable too.
gingieson Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 believe it or not i thought it would be good for my son and i. I have talked to my son and he has told me that he loves him but he can be a jerk!!! he has actually kicked my son out of the house so that is why my son dont live here anymore but they get along better not living together.
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Look at it this way: he is not worried about hurting you with his controlling behaviour is he? Mind you, did you ever protest what he was doing? Did you ever ask him to treat you differently? Sometimes people can be very thick and not understand that their behaviour is hurtful to others and the people they are mistreating need to speak up. It is possible that if he's afraid to lose you, you could reach him and tell him that if he doesn't change you'll be gone. Sometimes, amazingly enough, that works. However if you don't think you could ever care about him again even if he changed, then remind yourself that he wasn't too worried about your feelings and, while you'd be sorry if he missed you, he needed to care enough to change his behaviour and that he didn't means that you aren't important enough to him and so you can go with a clear conscience.
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Look at it this way: he is not worried about hurting you with his controlling behaviour is he? Mind you, did you ever protest what he was doing? Did you ever ask him to treat you differently? Sometimes people can be very thick and not understand that their behaviour is hurtful to others and the people they are mistreating need to speak up. It is possible that if he's afraid to lose you, you could reach him and tell him that if he doesn't change you'll be gone. Sometimes, amazingly enough, that works. However if you don't think you could ever care about him again even if he changed, then remind yourself that he wasn't too worried about your feelings and, while you'd be sorry if he missed you, he needed to care enough to change his behaviour and that he didn't means that you aren't important enough to him and so you can go with a clear conscience. responding to above. Funny thing for the first I would say 10 years I did whatever he said and then the past 3 yeras I have been standing up and most recently I really have been getting a back bone and that is probably why he has felt so insecure because I have been standing up for myself...Please dont get me wrong he is a good guy.... an outstanding citizen. He is a volunteer firefighter and he teaches etc.... I just dont know what to do... I wish someone cold do it for me...but i know it cant be done that way and i wish i would know if i would be happier or just lonely...
Gunny376 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 He was your meal ticket, and now that your son is grown and gone, you don't have any more use for this guy ~ right? I mean that's what it comes down to when you boil it all down to the bottom of the pot. You settled for this guy because he was a good provider, but it turns out that he's controlling and domineering, and it suffocating to you to the point to where you just can't stand it nor bear it any longer. Thing is you've been a SAHM all these years, and you're scared to take that leap of faith out into the cold cruel world. Do yourself and this guy a favor and start working on exiting stage left. You're not doinh him nor yourself any favors by staying.
gingieson Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 but the thing is i hate hurting him so....it sucks...
Gunny376 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 making it worse, and hurting him and yourself more by staying in a loveless maritial comma. He's a Big Boy ~ he'll get over it. I did!
Last Mohegan Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Does it really have to be that black and white? From what I've witnessed on LS, its very difficult to leave a marriage irregardless of if you are the leaver or the one being left. Maybe part of the reason to stay was security or "meal ticket" as you put it, but I don't think that makes someone a complete sham. Maybe I'm wrong but feelings are pretty fluid and there are times when people feel in over their head and try to do the best for everybody or hope that things or people will change. When you boil it down, Gunny, you make this person sound like the white witch from Narnia. Sounds to me like she came to LS because she's struggling. She certainly wouldn't be here asking for advice if she were that cold and wicked. JMHO:) He was your meal ticket, and now that your son is grown and gone, you don't have any more use for this guy ~ right? I mean that's what it comes down to when you boil it all down to the bottom of the pot. You settled for this guy because he was a good provider, but it turns out that he's controlling and domineering, and it suffocating to you to the point to where you just can't stand it nor bear it any longer. Thing is you've been a SAHM all these years, and you're scared to take that leap of faith out into the cold cruel world. Do yourself and this guy a favor and start working on exiting stage left. You're not doinh him nor yourself any favors by staying.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 He has hurt you, treated you badly, controlled you...Don't let guilt or worry get in the way of you making the right choice for you. Obviously he hasn't considered YOUR feelings much or your son's over the years.
Gunny376 Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 responding to above. Funny thing for the first I would say 10 years I did whatever he said and then the past 3 yeras I have been standing up and most recently I really have been getting a back bone and that is probably why he has felt so insecure because I have been standing up for myself...Please dont get me wrong he is a good guy.... an outstanding citizen. He is a volunteer firefighter and he teaches etc.... I just dont know what to do... I wish someone cold do it for me...but i know it cant be done that way and i wish i would know if i would be happier or just lonely... Its been my personal experience in gunfights, knife fights, and divorce ~ it is just this black and white. There are shades of gray ~ and there's nothing easy about it. And, its a fact that someone if not both parties are going to get thier feeling hurt. But, you're right! She did come here for help Feeling are a paradox in that feelings are facts, while at the same exact time they are not facts. We all feel what we feel, and it doesn't have to be reasonable, justified, nor what other people feel. Feeling do not have brains. They are not logical. Part of this is learning what you do feel, so that you can can take care of yourself. Trying to take care of yourself without knowing how you feel, is like trying to budget without knowing what your income is. Emotional reasoning is a distorted way of thinking that is common in Western society. "I feel therefore it is true!" I feel hurt therefore he/she meant to hurt me. I feel guilty therefore I am guilty. Many of us tend to feel hurt or guilt about everything. It comes with our culture, but we can choose not to believe in it. Its OK to feel more than one countradictory emotion at the same time. We shouild all respect our emotions, but not necessarly belive them and act on them in old ways. People can change by acting in new ways until new feelings come ~ and oftentimes, the action must and often does precede the feeling. Waiting till the feel like changing is a dead end for most people. Checkout the following links: http://www.divorcenet.com/considerin..._wife_syndrome http://www.pathpartners.com/book.html http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ I would recommend your throughly research each of these sites.
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