CharlotaV Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I am in the relationship with married man for 5 years. He lied about his marriage at the beginning, telling me that he was divorced. I belived him, because at that time it was Ok for me to have time-to-time relationship. I am about 40, and he is 46. But it happens that our relationship become more and more emotional through time. He is very connected with his children, and does not want to separate because he does not want to disapoint them. I would like him to do what is best for him. My goal is that he separates if he is not happy, but not for outside reason. It seems that this will never happend. We have passed through many problems, but at the end we are again together. I am kind of independent woman, who wants to have freedom and independency, so I am not forcing him to do anything, only I say from time to time, that I am not happy being in this position. What should I do? I love him, but life goes on and I am alone and just on stand by. He told me that his relationship with his wife is not sexual for more than 4 years. If I am her I would never be able to live in such a marriage. Often he stays with me during night. They are intelectuals, knowing each other from childhood.... He said that they have only formal marriage. What should I do?
dgiirl Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 First, now that you know he is married, you should leave him and not break up his marriage. If you remain, you are making a conscious choice to hurt someone else intentionally. If he's cheating on his wife, he's lying to her. If he's lying to her, he's probably lying to you too. Thus all these things he tells you about his marriage is probably a lie to get you to sympathize with him. If his marriage is SO bad, why hasnt he left? Why doesnt he have the balls to take responsibility of his situation and FIX it before he decides to cheat? Your wording is a little confusing. How long has he been married for? How long have you two been in a relationship? Second, there's an Other woman forum where you might get more sympathy.
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I am not bad person, it was because he lied about things untill I was emotionally involved. He is married for 17 years, and our relationship lasts for 5 years. I want to brake up, it is not easy for me, but it is not always easy to be so rational and to control feelings. I also think if he really loves me he would decide to be only with me. Also I am not stupid, and don t want to have any negative influence about his marriage. I was always the one who was confident and didn t want to hurt anybody. So, I want only to help myself, because he is very persistant and always find the way to manipulate and be with me again, saying that he loves me. I don t believe it, but when you love someone it needs time to be totally rational. Also I could not imagine why people are together and not honest and nice to each other. Sorry, you are right, I am wrong, but I am in position that I didn t choose.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 He lied about his marriage at the beginning, Now that you know he's married and obivously is capable of lying, not only to you, but to his wife - It's time to leave him and go on with your life without him in it. Yes, it will hurt, but I have to ask you - How can you be with a man like that who "chose" to keep the fact he was married from you? How do you fully trust him? He is lying to you about not having sex with his wife. DO you really believe that they haven't??? They sleep in the same bed, so don't fool yourself there... He is going to keep you as the OW in his life, just like he is going to keep his wife. You and his wife are fulfilling ALL his needs, so he's happy. And being VERY selfish. You deserve so much better...I hope one day when your heart heals enough, you'll be ready for a healthy and honest relationship with a man who won't lie to you.
Author CharlotaV Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Everything you said is exactly what I think about him, me and this relationship. But, as you know we all like to think that we have something special/different, and that in the end we will finally prove it. But... I was trying to improve that: that I am not the person to lie, that I would not choose the lier, and that I respect myself, although it was obvious that this is not the truth. I know that he will miss me, because he will never be able to develop any relationship to the higher level. Honest one.
dgiirl Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 This has been going on for 5 years??? You have to wake up and realize he isnt going to leave his wife! My exh left me for another woman. According to him it was after meeting with her 3 times for lunch. So you can see, if your mm was going to leave, he would have left very early. Right now he has absolutely no reason to leave. He know's he can feed you a bunch of lines on how special you are and how much he loves you, and you'll stay and you'll stay quiet about the affair too. He's manipulating you and you are allowing him. For your own sanity, you need to break it off and you need to implement no contact! No, you are not a bad person, but you are making bad decisions. You are not at fault for his lies, but now that you know the truth, you are responsible for your actions. When did you find out he was married? If you didnt know he was married for 5 years, then you have to wake up. Surely there were red flags that you ignored. I would google something like "how to know if a man is married" and read up on the characteristics.
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