why cant i let her past go?!?!

[colman]

im a 23 year old male. until recently i was a virgin and have never had a relationship. for whatever reason, i want to add that i have had women tell me im good looking, nice etc. .... basically a good catch. For reasons i'll keep to myself, i was always insecure around women.

 

anyways, about 6 months ago, a friend (friend A) got me a job where he worked. at this job, i instantly became attracted to this girl that worked there as well. however, it being at work in addition to my insecurities, i had reservations about pursuing something with this girl. i looked to my Friend for advise. he knew about my situation in regards to women and so we talked a lot about that (i basically confided in him about everything and what i should do).

 

a month or so later, me, this girl and other co-workers went out to the bars and me and this girl made out....we then dated a couple of weeks and became official soon after.

 

this is where my dilemma comes into play...

 

a month into our relationship everything is going fine. she popped my cherry:), we are very open with eachother etc. one thing that bothered me initially in our relationship was that she had been with 5 people before me (they were all one-night stands and she had lost her virginity in the last year). but after a while i was fine with that.

 

One night however she sits me down and confesses that she had been with 6 people prior to me and that this 6th person was someone we worked with. right away i scratched my friend from a list of about 8 candidates because i knew that he would tell me something like that. i wasn't sure if i wanted to know who it was because i didn't think it would matter, but the following day i asked her who it was.

 

she proceeds to tell me that it was my good friend (one weekend my g/f and my friend had made out and the following weekend ended up sleeping together). i was completely taken aback by this. How had i not known about his sooner? should my friend have told me this? (note: he actually has been in a relationship the last 2 years with a girl i have befriended as well) should my g/f have told me this right away?

 

after a few days of thought, i decided that my g/f (even though it was an issue for me) did nothing wrong and that i was angry with my friend.

 

i confronted my friend about this and he confessed and gave me multiple lame-ass excuses for not telling me (ex. he didn't think it was going to work out).

 

anyways this is getting long, so i'll hurry it up....after a sequence of events i decided that i was going to keep seeing my g/f. me and my friend are no longer friends. my Friend's g/f found out, but decided to try and work things out with him.

 

ok, so even though everything got resolved...it hasn't for me. daily i think about what happened between my g/f and my then good friend. in addition, it has also resurfaced the issue regarding the 6 one-night stands she had in the last year after being a virgin for more than 21 years. we talk about this sometimes and it really upsets her, but i still can't help thinking about these issues all the time.

 

obviously some of my insecurities are surfacing (though i can't quite pin point them). i guess for me i was always unattracted to promiscuous girls, but here i am with one who was one at one time. also, getting to know her, she seems so sweet and seems to be someone who would only want sex in the context of a relationship....i somehow just dont see why it was ok for her. though the fact that my friend was one of the six people she had slept with makes this a little unique. She says she did it because all her friends were in relationships and to feel close to somebody, she slept with these guys (in all but one case, she knew the guy through class or friends).

 

its been 3 months now and i still think about this quite often. i guess i am partially writing this to get it off my chest, but also to get some advise. i have recently begun thinking about ending my relationship with this girl out of fairness to both of us. we love eachother, but i just cant stop thinking about her past (especially since it involved a friend who i feel betrayed me).

 

i dont really want to break up with her, but i also feel that if i can't let this go, our relationship can't fully progress the way i want it to. WHY CANT I JUST ACCEPT HER PAST AND LET IT GO!?!?

 

thanks in advance for the advise

[Winfield]

I agree that you're insecure. If you carry on with this attitude towards her, you're going to end up losing her. Upsetting her by constantly talking about her past relationships will only drive her away...

 

What she did before she met you is her business, and her business only...and as for your friend (who you've now fallen out with), he's in the same boat. What went on between them was their business. Note: went on (past tense) not going on (present tense)...

 

Just because you "saved yourself" until recently doesn't mean to say that your ideal partner will be the same. Think of it like this - now that you're no longer a virgin, how would you now feel if you were to date a new (virgin) woman, who constantly pestered you about your relationship with your current girlfriend? Not good, huh?

 

So long as she has nothing more to do (in a dating sense) with the guys she had previous relationships with, you've nothing to worry about. And if anything, the friend you fell out with knows how you feel about this girl (maybe he didn't want to say anything about their relationship as it might shatter your illusions?!?) so he'll no doubt respect your feelings.

 

Women aren't worth losing friendships over! Buy your (ex) buddy a beer, talk it over and get your friendship back on track! And also, leave the past where it belongs, because it can't be changed...

[newbby]

i think you have already identified that this is your problem. since it is, i cannot see that you will be happy in any relationship unless you get over it. just let it go. you are obsessing. when you start obsessing about it try to calm yourself down, and dont bring it up with her, its your problem not hers. my guess is that when you talk to her you feel reassured for a minute and then begin obsessing again?? i might be wrong.

try meditating or something to calm your thoughts down. sounds like your friend was possibly thinking of your best interests when he didnt tell you. he probably wanted you to get together with this girl and rightly guessed that you would not handle that knowledge well since you had opened up alot to him.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

You just have to understand that when people are lonely and inexperienced they do silly thing like your girlfriend did.

 

She probably was looking for affection and was going after it the wrong way. That doesn't mean that she is a promiscuous girl, just someone that was lonely and doing things that thought would make guys want to date her and stay with her.

 

I guess your friend had a tough choice deciding whether to tell you or not about the affair.

 

I guess he thought the right thing to do was not to tell you, because of the fact that it didn't mean much for him and he was totally over it and dating someone new...when for you, dating this girl could have been something great and if he told you you probably wouldn't have gone for it.

 

I'd say forgive your friend, he was just doing what he thought was best for you and not betraying you (that means something different to me). Maybe he lied by omission, you can say that, but he did it because he thought it was the best for you, I suppose.

 

Good luck and take it easy,

 

Ariadne

[In Sync]

Your problem isn't just that your insecure your problem is that you basically are looking for a problem that's not there.

You like this girl alot right? Ok. It's real simple. Forgive the past and get on with more improtant stuff like developing and cherishing the new found love in your life. THERE IS NOBODY WHO HASN'T DONE SOMETHING THEY HAVE REGRETTED. And if you keep living you will make the same misgivings down the line. Welcome to the human race. You do have a choice. If it's a moral issue and you can't get past it, then be a gentleman and walk away. Stand on your principles if that is the issue. But continuing and letting the relationship go on and you are in constant judgement of her actions and your friends actions you will destroy what you have will this bad seed that's getting out of control.

sometimes when things are going well we look for ways to sabatoge our happiness.

[colman]

i understand its the past, but i strongly feel, as do all the people i have talked with, that my friend had an obligation to tell me (i mean, my g/f felt obligated to tell me because she felt the whole thing felt fake to her considering me, my g/f, my friend and his g/f were all hanging out). there is additional information to this story that was relevant, but just not significant enough to add that casts a different light on my friend. there were other people that were involved who were made out to be liars by my friend. there may have been a part of him that was thinking of me, but i mostly believe he didn't tell me for his own selfish reasons. his selfishness was also behind how my others friends were made to look like. when i sat down with my friend, he absolutely understood that i couldn't be friends with him anymore.

 

in regards to my g/f, i know she did nothing wrong and that her own insecurities had a part to play in her past. the real isssue for me is that i can't stop thinking about it. this is all on me....i have to recognize my insecurities and move on or break it off out of fairness to her and myself because im not able to move forward.

 

to the poster who said that the my friends past is his past and is not any of my business: i think you and i may come from different places. after my ex-friend's g/f found out she wrote me saying that she completely understood why i couldn't be friends him anymore. my ex-friend understood this. everyone else that knows about this sees my point as well. i take my friendships seriously and i felt that he was completely dishonest with me for his own selfish reasons (though some of his reasoning was out of friendship possibly, but out of all the details i know....it was out of sheer selfishness).

[In Sync]

i understand its the past, but i strongly feel, as do all the people i have talked with, that my friend had an obligation to tell me (i mean, my g/f felt obligated to tell me because she felt the whole thing felt fake to her considering me, my g/f, my friend and his g/f were all hanging out). there is additional information to this story that was relevant, but just not significant enough to add that casts a different light on my friend. there were other people that were involved who were made out to be liars by my friend. there may have been a part of him that was thinking of me, but i mostly believe he didn't tell me for his own selfish reasons. his selfishness was also behind how my others friends were made to look like. when i sat down with my friend, he absolutely understood that i couldn't be friends with him anymore.

 

in regards to my g/f, i know she did nothing wrong and that her own insecurities had a part to play in her past. the real isssue for me is that i can't stop thinking about it. this is all on me....i have to recognize my insecurities and move on or break it off out of fairness to her and myself because im not able to move forward.

 

to the poster who said that the my friends past is his past and is not any of my business: i think you and i may come from different places. after my ex-friend's g/f found out she wrote me saying that she completely understood why i couldn't be friends him anymore. my ex-friend understood this. everyone else that knows about this sees my point as well. i take my friendships seriously and i felt that he was completely dishonest with me for his own selfish reasons (though some of his reasoning was out of friendship possibly, but out of all the details i know....it was out of sheer selfishness).

 

 

Let's say that you are absolutely right..so what. The only thing you gain by being right is what (fill in the bank). You can come up with a hundred reasons to hold this against him, but what do you gain in the end? You're going to break up a friendship becuase he didn't tell you something like that. Maybe he felt awkward. Stop being selfish, which is essence is ony look at life from your p.o.v. get over it. Open a newspaper. You can read about miserable unhappy people on every page. You have a gf. And now you are creating drama when you should be focused on your happy new relationship. You see I have notice that when you are a fulfilled happy person it is very hard to be preocuppied with nonsense. Whereas when you are unhappy and dissatisfied you will always find something and make everything worse than what it is. If you'll be happier duming this guy as your friend do it. But a friend is a special relationship. And if you can't forgive a friend maybe he wasn't a friend.

[colman]

Let's say that you are absolutely right..so what. The only thing you gain by being right is what (fill in the bank). You can come up with a hundred reasons to hold this against him, but what do you gain in the end? You're going to break up a friendship becuase he didn't tell you something like that. Maybe he felt awkward. Stop being selfish, which is essence is ony look at life from your p.o.v. get over it. Open a newspaper. You can read about miserable unhappy people on every page. You have a gf. And now you are creating drama when you should be focused on your happy new relationship. You see I have notice that when you are a fulfilled happy person it is very hard to be preocuppied with nonsense. Whereas when you are unhappy and dissatisfied you will always find something and make everything worse than what it is. If you'll be happier duming this guy as your friend do it. But a friend is a special relationship. And if you can't forgive a friend maybe he wasn't a friend.

 

in sync, i just wanted to let you know that you're replies have been very helpful and very insightful. though i agree with a lot of what you had to say, i dont feel a single regret about losing this guy as my friend (thats not to say that it doesn't hurt not having him as a friend). it wasn't just that he didn't tell me (if it was just this, i think that i could have forgiven him)....it also had a lot to do with how he treated all the other people that were involved in this situation. in addition to this, if i decided to be friends with him again, how could all of us hang out together now with all that has happened?

 

but you are right though about the fact that if i was a truly happy person, i wouldn't let this bother me. before all this happened, i have contemplated seeking counseling because i have had bouts of sadness (im hesitant to call it depression) and maybe this may give me more insight to why im not as happy as i should be or my insecurities.

 

curious though...lets say this situation happened to you...wouldn't you expect your friend to tell you that she/he had slept with the person you've recently become interested in ? and it wouldn't bother you that your love interest had been with your friend? just curious how you would have handled this situation. i dont know...part of me knows that im making a bigger deal out of this than it should be and maybe im being too sensitive/overdramatic about it, but i just can't see how i would have handled this any other way.

 

thanks again for all your replies, you all have been very helpful.

[In Sync]

in sync, i just wanted to let you know that you're replies have been very helpful and very insightful. though i agree with a lot of what you had to say, i dont feel a single regret about losing this guy as my friend (thats not to say that it doesn't hurt not having him as a friend). it wasn't just that he didn't tell me (if it was just this, i think that i could have forgiven him)....it also had a lot to do with how he treated all the other people that were involved in this situation. in addition to this, if i decided to be friends with him again, how could all of us hang out together now with all that has happened?

 

but you are right though about the fact that if i was a truly happy person, i wouldn't let this bother me. before all this happened, i have contemplated seeking counseling because i have had bouts of sadness (im hesitant to call it depression) and maybe this may give me more insight to why im not as happy as i should be or my insecurities.

 

curious though...lets say this situation happened to you...wouldn't you expect your friend to tell you that she/he had slept with the person you've recently become interested in ? and it wouldn't bother you that your love interest had been with your friend? just curious how you would have handled this situation. i dont know...part of me knows that im making a bigger deal out of this than it should be and maybe im being too sensitive/overdramatic about it, but i just can't see how i would have handled this any other way.

 

thanks again for all your replies, you all have been very helpful.

 

I'll answer you as honestly as i can about if it were me. I would simply (it it bothered me cut the relationship) In fcat during the time I had be with my ex who was not desrving of all the time and effort of maintaining the relationship, I was in the midst of having been betrayed by a female friend (Nothing sexual triangles but basic behind the back gossip) I felt hurt. But rather than go through all the dramatics and pretending to be one way in her face and another and drama drama drama. I severed it. I walked away. I did NC before even understanding how it should have been applied where I was in equal emotional stress with the now ex lover.

Basically NC meant making a decision. That's what you are doing by twisting yourself up over your circumstances. Make a decision to end the relationship (and you needn't start casting accusations and condenmnations) or to repair the frienship. But the sitting on the fence is actually working against it. Make a decision and stand by it.

You are becoming sad over a sitution because you feel powerless. And powerless people end up wanting to control other people. Past and present. You can only control your reactions. Reflect then React.

Look if he's truly a person you can't be around then don't. But how is ruining your happiness making the situation better. really I don't get that and deep down you don't seem like you do either. Sacrificing your happiness because of someone's actions. How does that benefit you?