Danger! married man has my attention. How can I get him out of my head?

[Guest/Confused]

I am a married woman, however I am in danger of crossing a line I've never crossed before. My husband is good to me. We have a normal sex life, no complaints, our children are our main focus. We get along great, we've had very few problems throughout our 12 years of marriage. Can't figure out why I would suddenly develop feelings for another man. Seems so selfish and cruel of me, but for some reason I cannot stop thinking of this person. My sensible side of me would never go on to venture out and betray my husbands trust. I am scared of these feelings I have developed for this MM, therefore I need some advice on how to stop this.

 

 

I will give you just a little backround so that you could understand how this all came about. I met MM through mutual friends our children also go to the same school. We both attend many school activities and functions mainly through our children. We also share a passion for the same sport, and we both belong to the same training group. We seem to gravitate towards each other whenever we are in the same place. By the way my husband has made a comment about how MM seems to only have eyes for me when we are in a group conversation. My husband thinks he is harmless though. I've gotten mixed signals at times from MM. At times he seems so happy and almost giddy when he sees me, but other times I see him almost sad and withdrawn. I think he might be feeling guilt as I do.

 

 

The reason I'm writing this today is, because for the past couple of days, he has called my cell phone and home with the excuse of needing information regarding school activities, our training, and a fundraiser we are supposed to be involved with soon. His wife never does the calling it's only him, I feel he does the calling just for the excuse to speak with me. I find if this continues we will both want more and more and thats where we could get in trouble and way in over our heads.

 

 

I do not want to be unfaithful to my husband, but I think we might be having an EA. Can someone describe if this would constitute an emotional affair?

 

I would appreciate any advice.

[newbby]

I do not want to be unfaithful to my husband, but I think we might be having an EA. Can someone describe if this would constitute an emotional affair?

 

why? what i mean is, if somebody confirms that it is an emotional affair, then does that make you feel good because it means there is something happening between you?

if people said "no it isnt an emotional affair" would you feel relieved because you can continue seeing him and spending time with him without feeling guilty?

it doesnt really matter what anybody else thinks, because only you know how strong your feelings are. i am sure it must be difficult after being married for so long, not to fall for somebody else, just purely out of boredom, but if you feel you are getting carried away with it, then you have to think about the short term and long term benefits of the situation.

in other words, is it worth it? long term?

[InaPanic]

I just had an affair on my husband of 18 years. I am now dealing with the pain & suffering of the guilt & of trying to get over OM. I have NEVER felt this bad in my life.

If I have one word of advice for you it is to do all you can to stop this now! I know what the excitement & the rush was like, it's what sucked me into it thinking I could stop at any time. I ended up crossing the line into a physical affair, even though it was brief, I still crossed the line. Now I am in a world of hurt & confusion & trying to dig my way out.

Please stop yourself before it goes any further. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[Outcast]

You CAN stop thinking about him and that is what you must do. Stop all contact. Consider him a big fat greasy burger and that you're on a no-fat diet. Or that he's a bottle of vodka and you're in AA. Find other things to occupy your mind. STAY AWAY. Eventually, the addiction will break but you can't feed it.

[Ladyjane14]

Can someone describe if this would constitute an emotional affair?

 

If you're saying or doing anything with the MM that you wouldn't say or do with your husband standing right next to you... then the contact is inappropriate. If the contact makes you or your husband uncomfortable, then it's inappropriate.

 

Chances are, the 'crush' you're feeling is a response to having some attention paid to you by an attractive guy. Feels good to be noticed and appreciated right? Sure, MM might be fishing but that doesn't mean you are obliged to bite.

 

Your best bet is to look for ways to improve your relationship with your husband, so that you're self-esteem is well supported within the relationship. Try reading a copy of The Five Love Languages. It's a fairly easy read, and it'll get you started thinking about how you and your husband express your love for one another. It's possible that there's a gap in the marital relationship that needs to be filled.

[Guest/Confused]

I just had an affair on my husband of 18 years. I am now dealing with the pain & suffering of the guilt & of trying to get over OM. I have NEVER felt this bad in my life.

If I have one word of advice for you it is to do all you can to stop this now! I know what the excitement & the rush was like, it's what sucked me into it thinking I could stop at any time. I ended up crossing the line into a physical affair, even though it was brief, I still crossed the line. Now I am in a world of hurt & confusion & trying to dig my way out.

Please stop yourself before it goes any further. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I feel for you. I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. It must be so difficult for you to wake up every morning and face your husband. Does he know about the affair? How do you hide the sadness from not seeing OM anymore? I'm hoping your advice will keep me from making a huge mistake I will regret later.

[Guest]

You CAN stop thinking about him and that is what you must do. Stop all contact. Consider him a big fat greasy burger and that you're on a no-fat diet. Or that he's a bottle of vodka and you're in AA. Find other things to occupy your mind. STAY AWAY. Eventually, the addiction will break but you can't feed it.

 

You struck a cord, I just realized that he is an addiction he is giving me that high of the newness of a relationship I haven't felt for a long time. I know that this is just the honeymoon phase and eventually it fades with time, or does it? but that HIGH is so addicting. I have to find a way to stop feeding that wonderful high I get from him, whenever he looks at me.

[Guest]

I would be straight with the man, this happened to me!

Yes it hurts a bit, but not half as much as it could do in the long run, these types of infatuations are ticking bombs that can explode on both of you and your loved ones.

His behaviour mirrors yours, nervious, excited, guilt, remorse.

Tell him that you both must cool it, have a friend with you when he is around. Do not be alone with him!!!

 

Eventually things will settle down and return to normal.

Promise they will!

[Bryanp]

Imagine your husband thinking of doing to you what you are thinking of doing to him. How do you feel about that? Would your husband not to this to you because he loves and respects you too much? Imagine your husband's face if he found out you actually did this.

[HennyPenny]

I can't tell you whether or not you're having a EA. The main thing is you're feeling tempted and you don't want to jeopardize your marriage.

 

At the moment I feel as though I'm being "groomed" by a MM. I have many ways that I resist the temptation. We started out as good friends. We always gravitated towards each other. We just seemed to 'click" in many ways. I thought to myself "If he wasn't married, I'd be all over him." Then came his compliments, his Bad Marriage stories, his love-struck gazes. In group conversations he always focuses on me and checks my reactions.

 

Because I like him so much as a person and am so physically attracted to him, I find myself engaging in unrealistic fantasies. I find myself gazing back. I find myself not backing off when he gets way too close physically. I think - if he weren't so hot, so sweet to me, so perfect, funny, etc.

 

Then I think - what kind of "great guy" behaves this way? What if I were his SO and he started acting like this with another woman? Chances are high that he would. I think - what kind of disaster would our lives be if I gave in? This has really helped me. Also, reading in the OM/OW forum has helped tremendously.

 

I keep physical space between us. I don't answer his messages or emails unless it's business-related. If it's not and he questions me about it, I give a short answer. The most important thing I do now is keep emotional space between us. If he starts in with his wife stories, I listen objectively and now am starting to see things from her point of view. He does not like this at all!

 

So my advice - keep emotional and physical space. Read some of the sad stuff in OW/OM. Think about how it would feel to lose your family as you know it. Think of how his wife would feel. It works for me, and if I do find myself "backsliding" I read some more on OW/OM. Works like a charm. Remember, no matter how discreet people can be, people get caught and the results are disastrous. Do you really want to take that chance with your family?

 

He may act hurt, and it may hurt you to create distance between you. Think of the great amount of pain you're avoiding in the long run for both of you.

[justice]

It doesn't sound like an ea. Right now you need to ask yourself these questions; What would happen if it continues, gets more intense and his wife or my husband finds out? What happens if an actual affair does take place, divorce? Pain? confusion? All of these will happen and it will not only affect the two of you but the children and the whole family. Do you really want that? Is it worth it?