prncssfce9 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Ugh ... I met my ex boyfriend almost 4 years ago. He was a lot older than me, but for some reason I just couldn't not fall for him. Even though I had reservations about him b.c of the age differance and everything else I went ahead with the relationship anyway. For a while everything was great ... he made me happy and I felt good about myself. But things went downhill. He lost his job and I felt like I needed to take care of him until he found another job. It ended up taking about a year for him to get a job, but by that time I think he had gottenused to me taking care of everything ... He lied to me all the time. But I kept forgiving him. As the relationship progressed my self esteem got worse ... I felt bad about myself ... and he kept treating me worse. His family was really mean to me and he never defended me. I talked to him about it and he seemed to side with me ... but he never defended me. He kept lying to me ... and I kept feeling worse and worse about myself. I finally reached the point where I couldn't take anymore. I broke up with him and he moved out. The whole thing was really hard for me, and harder still b/c he didn't seem to care. He said he did, but didn't act like he did. Now I just feel lonley and sad. After everything I know that I should be ok with all this ... I should be glad to move on. But my self esteem in so low and I think so little of myself that it is hard for me to be ok with any of this. I am lonley and depressed and it takes everything in me to not call him and ask him to come back. I know, logically, that I am better off without, but my heart hurts so bad ... because of him. I need someone to comfort me, but it's hard b/c for the past 4 year HE was the one I turned to comfort. So where do I go now? I don't have many friends b/c I just graduated and everyone moved away. Those who didn't are sort of caught of caught in the middle b/c they knew both of us ... What do I do? Where do I go for comfort? How do I talk to people about being heartbroken that are HAPPY I broke up with him? Where do I find support?
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 You need to take care of yourself, Sweetie. He didn't and for four years you haven't. You have been neglected for quite some time now. Do a little analysis of the situation. See it for what it truly was and not what you had wished it to be. Then ask yourself, WHY would you want him back?? Most likely it would only be to have someone to talk to. And if that's the case, think on that one as well. WHY do you miss conversations with him? Was he wonderful to talk to? Did he keep your mind and spirit happy? Or had he just become a habit? More than likely that is all it was...a habit. The good ones you keep but the bad ones you dispose of. There is support to be found at women's centers. You may need to speak to a professional counselor if you find you aren't able to shake this. But try and do it for yourself first.
Author prncssfce9 Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 I know that you are right ... I miss him b/c I was used to him. I had built this fantasy in my head of the wonderful life we would have. He made such wonderful promises and I believed him .. they were all lies of course, but I wanted that future so bad .. now that any chance of that is gone it is hard. He wasn't great to talk to ... he barely paid attention to me. I didn't feel good about myself ... I did neglest myself (to the point where I gained 30 pounds!) Now I feel lonely ... ugly and like I don't deserve anyone to love me. I'm sitting alone in the apartment I used to share with him going over all the lies and broken promises ... I just want to cry, but I don't want to cry over him anymore.
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I think you need to feel good about yourself again. It sounds as if your esteem has taken a beating from this relationship. You can't depend on anyone to lift you up. That is solely your responsibility to yourself. And you owe it to yourself. Maybe tomorrow you can visit a bookstore. Pick out one that you find will interest you. The self-help section may have ones to help you in this current situation and may teach you ways to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. And perhaps buy yourself some flowers. Nothing major, but just a little something to bring a bit of joy into your life. You know, you said you fought involvement with him. Let that be a lesson to you to trust your judgment. If you are feeling queasy about getting involved, you need to trust your gut.
Author prncssfce9 Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 I should have trusted my gut but I didn't. I know better now. I like your idea of doing nice things for myself but the problem is that I am broke as hell b/c of him. I pretty much supported him while in school no less. Recently I found out about yet another lie that cost be nearly 700 bux. That was the last straw you know! So I have no money .. no friends ... and I feel worthless. Thanks for responding to me ... it is nice to have someone to talk to ... even if it is a message board!
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Not a problem. Maybe just take a bath and relax a little. I think sometimes when you are down, you can see that up is the only way to go. Life's too short to dwell on unhappy events. So face them and know you have learned something from it all. Then it kind of gives it more meaning. And it doesn't feel so crappy.
Author prncssfce9 Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 I'll keep that in mind. But knowing all this doesn't make the pain go away, doesn't make me less lonely ... I wish it did.
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Another thing, since you said money's tight and you are lonely, plus living in the place you and he shared, have you considered maybe looking into getting a roomate? Or moving? Just a thought...
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