Biscuit Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 After practically dating almost every eligible male in Los Angeles, I finally meet one of the nicest guys ever. I mean this guy is such a gentleman. We have known each other for 2 weeks now and already he has done an outstanding job of courting me. Roses, gifts, sweet words etc...I am attracted to him emotionally and mentally. It is all there except for one thing.....he is overweight. I get so excited when he is coming to pick me up or when I'm heading over to meet him, but then when I see him it is as if I've reached the top hill of the roller coaster and there is no killer drop to give you butterflies in your stomach. A let down. He looks like a potato. Short and round. I found an Atkins diet book at his house and inquired if he's tried it. He said he did, but that he hit a wall. He also mentioned that he works out 6 days a week in the morning before work and he wants to basically lose the weight. I realllllly like him and his personality, but when he gave me a kiss there was no fire for me. I hate to give him up because of weight, most of which is around his waist I might add. Anyone else ever been in this situation? Please help.
Tony T Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Physical attraction is an essential component of a relationship. It sounds like both of you would like to make this work. I think you need to tell him right up front, right NOW, that physical attraction is important to you. Don't tell him he's fat...but tell him you are willing to accompany him walking, to the gym, biking and on other calorie-burning activities. Also, let him know the two of you can work together a few hours a week to prepare good tasting, low calorie meals he can eat during the week. The ONLY reason he is not losing weight, if he is indeed trying to, is that he is cheating and eating more than he's supposed to or eating high calorie junk food...or he's not exercising as much as he's telling you. Either take some action or stop seeing him. You have no choice. It's not a shallow thing, it's a nature thing. Instinctually, females look for a man who can provide superior offspring with them...and tubby isn't the answer in that regard. If you have the time, read over this thread for some insight on what may be in store in the future: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96378/
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I've been in situations where people who didn't initially please my eye grew attractive to me. But in those cases there was chemistry - if he didn't pass the kiss test then he may never. Mind you, two weeks tells you only that a person is a good salesman. If he's as wonderful after a year or two, that's when to start wanting a longer term relationship.
Tony T Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I've been in situations where people who didn't initially please my eye grew attractive to me. We are not talking about growing here...we are discussing getting thinner!!!
stoopid_guy Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 If he doesn't turn you on, he doesn't turn you on... It doesn't matter why, whether it's weight, crooked teeth, too-high hairline, or simply something you can't put your finger on. You say he's really nice? Really a good person? Then do him a favor, have a heart, and DON'T LET HIM FALL FOR YOU ANY MORE THAN HE ALREADY HAS!!! Somewhere out there there's a lady who won't care that he "looks like a potato." Let him find her.
stoopid_guy Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 The ONLY reason he is not losing weight, if he is indeed trying to, is that he is cheating and eating more than he's supposed to or eating high calorie junk food...or he's not exercising as much as he's telling you. That may not be the only reason. You can have two people who eat the same and have the same level of activity and one might be considerably larger than the other. Diet and exercise will get him healthier, but it may not keep him from looking like a potatoe.
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Originally Posted by Outcast I've been in situations where people who didn't initially please my eye grew attractive to me. And Tony T Replied: We are not talking about growing here...we are discussing getting thinner!!! Well mash me and call me spud
pseudofemme Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 My ex was overweight and it did end up being a problem. My attraction to him fluctuated... I loved his personality, got along with him so well, but on a physical level that "spark" just wasn't there. Being overweight effects more than just appearance: with my ex, he had VERY loud snoring, he was constantly sweaty, got out of breath easily. He sometimes tried to diet, but most of the time lived off junk food. Also had terrible breath It's great that the guy you're seeing is at least making an effort to lose weight. But try to evaluate how hard he's actually trying. If he truly exercises 6 days a week, and is focusing on a healthy diet, then he has potential to slim down to a healthier weight. But if he's like my ex--saying "I want to lose weight" but not doing anything about it--he's likely to remain overweight. Physical attraction is definitely important in a relationship. I've learned this the hard way in the past. It's what separates a platonic relationship from a romantic one. If you don't feel attracted to this guy, it won't matter how great and nice he is... you'll ultimately be unsatisfied.
stoopid_guy Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I'm a "potatoe," think the actor Kevin James and put a beard on him. It doesn't bother me that some women are turned off by that, because there are plenty of women who don't mind or even think "cuddly teddy bear" instead. What did bother me are the ones who wouldn't just tell me they needed something different from the beginning. They thought they were "being nice," but they were really just wasting my time/effort and theirs.
Pink Amulet Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Becareful... if he does lose the weight, and un-potatoe himself, he may think he can do better and end up dumping your ass! It happens! The kiss... was this because of his weight? I always find the best kisses are sparked by emotional connections, and the 'spark', rather than sexual desire...
Pink Amulet Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I'm a "potatoe," think the actor Kevin James and put a beard on him. It doesn't bother me that some women are turned off by that, because there are plenty of women who don't mind or even think "cuddly teddy bear" instead. What did bother me are the ones who wouldn't just tell me they needed something different from the beginning. They thought they were "being nice," but they were really just wasting my time/effort and theirs. Have you ever tried to lose the weight? For your own health? Or is it just your genetic 'shape' you are refering to?
stoopid_guy Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Have you ever tried to lose the weight? For your own health? Or is it just your genetic 'shape' you are refering to? It's just a given. In college, I was weight lifting, riding a bicycle or walking everywhere, and still had the belly and love handles. In the 20+ years since I've gained about 15-20 pounds (less than 10%.) It's just the weight my body wants to be. My cholesteral's fine, my blood presure's fine, and I'm the first one in the office that's called to move something heavy. I'm in good health and my strength is proportional to my weight. No reason to loose the belly...
superconductor Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Hey, if you're not attracted to the guy, then you're not attracted. It doesn't make you shallow, it just means that you're not attracted to him, and that in itself doesn't have anything to do with your character. I personally don't find heaviness attractive, in women or men. "Rubenesque" to me usually means slovenly, even if that's not the case. It's just personal preference.
Pink Amulet Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I think I would be less inclined to an overweight partner because I want someone who can keep up with me athletically (and sexually?- although I don't know how much of an issue weight is in this department). Biscuit, are you a fairly active, fit person?
electric_sheep Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 That may not be the only reason. You can have two people who eat the same and have the same level of activity and one might be considerably larger than the other. Diet and exercise will get him healthier, but it may not keep him from looking like a potatoe. If that's the case, then the person who is considerably larger should start eating less. My dad is 65 years old and his metabolism has slowed to a crawl, but he hasn't gotten fat. He simply eats 7 year old sized portions now. The media and the opportunists really try and make weight loss sound really complicated, but in fact it is simple energy/thermo dynamics. If you are in equilibrium you will burn exactly what you take in. If you burn more, you'll loose weight, if you burn less, the excess is stored as fat. Exactly how much you have to take in to maintain equilibrium is different for everyone, based on physical activity, innate metabolism, etc ... It is helpful (and healthy) for everyone to figure out how much this is. There are no exceptions to these simple rules. Exceptions would violate the law of conservation of energy. p.s. That's not to say everyone should be thin. On the contrary, the image of sexiness perpetuated on us by the media is not necessarily the best from a health standpoint. People can be solidly proportioned and still be quite healthy. Weight only becomes an issue for those that are considerably overweight.
blind_otter Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 It's just a given. In college, I was weight lifting, riding a bicycle or walking everywhere, and still had the belly and love handles. In the 20+ years since I've gained about 15-20 pounds (less than 10%.) It's just the weight my body wants to be. My cholesteral's fine, my blood presure's fine, and I'm the first one in the office that's called to move something heavy. I'm in good health and my strength is proportional to my weight. No reason to loose the belly... I guarantee if you saw a nutritionist and closely monitored what types of food you tend to intake, even if you don't change it, you would know why you can't seem to lose that weight. I mean, I bet in college you also regularly swilled massive amounts of beer and ate poorly. I'm just saying. Also, IME, you can exercise every day and not necessarily be exercising to lose weight.
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 If that's the case, then the person who is considerably larger should start eating less. Yup. Or exercising more. I used to be called 'toothpick' in school though I never ever dieted and we weren't short of food. I still have a high metabolism but it's definitely slowing and I simply can't eat bunches of cookies per day anymore. I walk 12 miles a week to work and back and do other exercise as well and still I don't get to eat all the stuff I used to. I still have goodies, but in smaller portions and less often. And you get used to that after a while. I ate some chips (not fries LOL) recently and nearly gagged on all the salt. I can't hack platters of deep-fried food anymore either. I'll have a small order of fries every second month or so and that's more than plenty. So you can retrain your tastebuds with just a little bit of work.
Author Biscuit Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Physical attraction is an essential component of a relationship. It sounds like both of you would like to make this work. I think you need to tell him right up front, right NOW, that physical attraction is important to you. Don't tell him he's fat...but tell him you are willing to accompany him walking, to the gym, biking and on other calorie-burning activities. Also, let him know the two of you can work together a few hours a week to prepare good tasting, low calorie meals he can eat during the week. The ONLY reason he is not losing weight, if he is indeed trying to, is that he is cheating and eating more than he's supposed to or eating high calorie junk food...or he's not exercising as much as he's telling you. Either take some action or stop seeing him. You have no choice. It's not a shallow thing, it's a nature thing. Instinctually, females look for a man who can provide superior offspring with them...and tubby isn't the answer in that regard. If you have the time, read over this thread for some insight on what may be in store in the future: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96378/ Wow. Thank you. I have actually already suggested going on a bike ride for our next date and he was so excited. Apparently none of his other dates wanted to do anything active and he likes being active. He also mentioned he wants to lose weight so I feel a little encouraged.
Author Biscuit Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Yes I am active and fit. I rollerblade, bike ride, walk. My health checks out pretty good and I love my body. I'm 5'4" and 130. Small waist, hips, thighs,and a butt. I am by no means skinny. I guess medium. By the way, I did suggest going on a bike ride date and he really wants to do it.
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 He looks like a potato. Short and round. I just love this description. It totally cracked me up! I never heard anyone refer to somebody as looking like a potato. Now when I see someone who fits the description, I'm gonna think they look like a potato too.
Author Biscuit Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 I totally understand what you are saying. I am just looking at all of his other qualities which are so great. I am not looking for perfection because I know it's not out there. I've met some gorgeous muscular guys who had the personality of a fruit fly. The weight issue I think is negotiable where as intelligence is not. I get excited when I think about talking to him just not seeing him naked....uh oh...does that sound like friendship in the air?
norajane Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 You can develop physical attraction to potato shaped men. I've had that happen - a couple of men I've met at work weren't initially men I was at all attracted to, but they blew me away with their intelligence and confidence and soon I was swooning when they'd be near. Sexy is as sexy does. Being excited talking to him is a great sign. When you're 60 and you're boobs are down to your knees, you might appreciate the conversational gifts of your potato. Keep up the bike riding dates since he's excited about doing active things with you. Maybe add some hiking or tennis or whatever. Make his weight loss a fun team project. Laughter and intelligence are truly the sexiest thing in the long run.
Hitman10000 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Dump him, he sounds like a loser. He's fat outside and inside. I guess he may fulfill your other "non physical" needs, but he's not going to be much fun in bed, not much fun physically to take anywhere and he's just gonna be a slob. Maybe he'll change, but not by much. Ignore what the women/fat dudes say in this thread. Just make him into your friend/dump him and date guys who you can feel passionate for. I can be emotionally and mentally compatible with my FREAKING DOG, but physically I do not want to do the dog, I wanna do a woman... Make wild crazy love with an attractive woman.
BohemeRose Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 My boyfriend isn't perfect, although weight isn't his problem. He has horrible teeth, because of a uh...well, drug problem he had in his teenage years. We don't talk about it...But anyway, when I first noticed when I met him I thought "Holy good god christ, not gonna put my lips anywhere near that mouth!" But, his personality won me over and I've been butt crazy in love with him ever since. Imperfect choppers and all. HOWEVER, I did briefly date a larger man at one point in my life, and I can kind of see where you're coming from. He was nice and all, but really, really...round. I think the reason it's such a turn-off is you see that person as not caring enough about themselves to take better care of their bodies. I gave him a chance, we kissed, and there was nothing. The fact that I had to stand on my toes and arch myself around his belly really got to me... He also turned out to have a girlfriend that he was cheating on, so how about that! Now, I'm no twig myself and I'm not judging people who are heavier. I just think that knowing someone is taking care of themselves naturally attracts you more...the idea is to meet someone who you're going to be with for a long, healthy life, right? I dunno. *shrugs*
BohemeRose Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Being excited talking to him is a great sign. When you're 60 and you're boobs are down to your knees, you might appreciate the conversational gifts of your potato. Also very true! And cute way of putting it.
Recommended Posts