travellingman Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 he actually told me that if he wasn’t married, he’d want to be with me… that I’m perfect… that he frequently thinks about me, blah, blah, blah. sounds pretty direct to me I have some personal experience in this area, feel free to send me a private message if you want to chat further
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 For whatever reason I cannot send private messages on this site. I'm not a frequent visitor here... I'm not sure how it works.
newbby Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 For whatever reason I cannot send private messages on this site. I'm not a frequent visitor here... I'm not sure how it works. i think you have to have a minimum of 50 posts
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Travelling, do you want to enlighten the OP as to your position on the issue and your own story?
travellingman Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 i think you have to have a minimum of 50 posts forgot about that all I can say then is that I am friends with a couple that started out as an EA, and they are very happy today
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 It happens... not that often, but it does. And I’m not saying it to justify myself being the other woman, because I am far for being one and I honestly haven’t made up my mind as to what I want to do. What I do know is that I was expecting for this whole thing to die down by now, especially since I haven’t really been feeding into it. And it terms of OW/OM discussion board, yes, there are some horrific stories out there. I’m also of belief that people that ended up in happy relationships don’t go on these types of discussion boards to brag about their success stories and happiness, so we tend to hear less of them. I, for instance, came across this board after googling “marital affair”, because YES, I have thought about it and YES, I wanted to hear (read) different stories of how it begun and where it went. Affairs that ended with a happy relationship are less prominent in discussion forums, as people involved in them don’t feel a need to consult with others about the state of their union.
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Well congrats. You've got all your rationalizations in place. Good luck on beating the odds And hope that Karma doesn't set its sights on you.
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Well, I guess a good dose of sarcasm hasn't hurt anyone? Karma is not for human beings to predict. You'd have to know and understand each of our paths -- mine, the husband's, and the wife's -- to be able to speculate on everyone's Karma at this point. I might be her Karma, he could be mine... who knows. You have nothing to congratulate me on. This is my journey and my decision, you have yours... let's respect that, shall we?
AManWithTroubles Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Back to what I believe is your original idea. This chemistry excuse, it's bull. Go back to before my wedding day, when my wife and I were just hanging out. People were always asking, "When's the wedding?" We clicked, and we had tons of chemistry. But, for whatever reason, now, my wife, probably due to children and other stresses, doesn't appear to click with me as well. We don't appear to have that same chemistry that we had when we were single and dating. I'm sure that there are other women out there, that I can hang out with and probably click with very easily. I have met a couple actually. I'm sure that if I decided to try and have an affair with one, then people would assume that I have more chemistry with her than with my own wife. But then that is cheapening the entire relationship that I built with my wife, and everything we have been through together.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 he actually told me that if he wasn’t married, he’d want to be with me… that I’m perfect… that he frequently thinks about me, blah, blah, blah. Because of this, it's not "just" friendship. If you can't read between the lines of that comment of his, then you've got blinders on. Co-workers/friends that are male friends DON'T go telling their female friends those types of things. And, if you have to "wonder" what a so-called friend thinks of you, that's not a platonic friendship. Neither of you may be aware of it, but the feelings and the way you two interact unknowingly IS an emotional affair. If you two "talk" about the feelings or take it to another level in a conversation, you're one step closer to becoming more than friends. Seems you're putting alot of energy and thought into him, even when you're not with him at work. Can I ask? Do you think about him before bed, or wonder what he's doing at home over the weekends? Someone mentioned how to be with him at work. Just be professional and try to keep conversation non-personal. Ofcourse say Hey, how are you etc, but don't sit and have 'talks' with him at the office.
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Yes, I admit to having blinders on. I’d rather look at it as an innocent tease as opposed to taking it seriously. I know that it’s probably not the best approach, but it helps me to stay detached from the situation and ultimately keep my distance and not getting involved. Do I think about him a lot? Hmm, that depends. Two weeks ago he went down on his knees and asked me to marry him in front of everyone. To everyone, it was a big fat joke and we all had a lot of fun with it, but the looks that he and I exchanged afterwards said something else. I thought about him for a couple of days straight after the incident. Then it dies down… I get very involved in my job and everyday activities; he is not my main focus. We are very professional around each other in the office… there might be a comment or two, but we both go back to our responsibilities without getting our thought process wrapped up with nonsense. By corporate definition, he is two levels above me and so naturally our job responsibilities are slightly different. We can go on for days without seeing each other… and then I’ll see him on the hallway, we’ll exchange a casual “hi, how are you” and that’s that. Do I think about him when that happens? Not so much, at least not more than I would think about any other guy that I’m saying ‘hello’ to. But then he’ll say or do something that’s just mind blowing to me… and the whole corporate existence and protocol goes to garbage. Please don’t think that it makes me proud. Yes, I am very flattered and enjoy the attention… especially that it’s coming from a tall, dark, handsome, and a super successful gentleman. But it’s also somewhat controversial to me… something that has triggered a whole lot of soul-searching and self-analysis.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 But it’s also somewhat controversial to me… something that has triggered a whole lot of soul-searching and self-analysis. That's why it's not a fun, flirty office thing. It's more than that - In your mind you can pretend it's not, but your heart is telling you other things. It's crossing the lines when someone gives you "vibes" and leaves you little hints that it could be more. It's the wrong sort of energy to be having for eachother. Flirting and joking around IS fun and we all like to be desired abit by others, get told "you look great today" or "you smell nice" ... But most of the time, those comments made by co-works ARE innocent and platonic...They don't mean anything. This MM and you are slowly taking it another level, even if it hasn't been discussed. Here's a what if... At the offce you work late, so does he. He brushes up against you, or even goes to give you a shoulder rub...He stands closer to you so you can feel his breath on your neck... How would you react to that? Get abit mad? Or feel turned on and maybe even consider letting him kiss you?
Ladyjane14 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Yes, I am very flattered and enjoy the attention… especially that it’s coming from a tall, dark, handsome, and a super successful gentleman. But it’s also somewhat controversial to me… something that has triggered a whole lot of soul-searching and self-analysis. The flipside is that IF this guy does in fact have dishonorable intentions.... it's kind of disrespectful for him to assume that you'd be interested.
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 How would you react to that? Get abit mad? Or feel turned on and maybe even consider letting him kiss you? Honestly? All of the above.
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 The flipside is that IF this guy does in fact have dishonorable intentions.... it's kind of disrespectful for him to assume that you'd be interested. I really don't get a sense that he assumes anything. I'd go as far as say that he probably anticipated much more reciprocation from my end by now. I haven’t given him much of green light to take this thing any further, not more than the “loaded” looks that we exchange with each other. And his intensions... who knows. I, of course, would like to believe that they're good, but I can't possibly be objective here. I am aware of that.
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Honestly? All of the above. Well, the only way you avoid that "what if" senario is NOT to put yourself IN a situation where that might happen.
Author i2wtbl Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 Trust me; I'm working on it:confused:
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Good! Just remember his wife and kids. By allowing him to cheat on his wife and family, you'll be partially responsible too. And office gossip, don't forget that. You'd be surprised how quickly people can put together 2+2...I'm sure most have figured out that there's some chemistry there... Think of yourself too. Do you really want to be with a married man? He won't leave his wife. You'll be far down the list after his wife, kids and work. You deserve better than that! Detach yourself from him, and when you find your mind wandering and going places it shouldn't STOP yourself! Think of the consquences and also, go read some threads in the OW/OM section about other people going through the pain and heartache of trying to get out of an affair with a married person.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I really don't get a sense that he assumes anything. I'd go as far as say that he probably anticipated much more reciprocation from my end by now. I haven’t given him much of green light to take this thing any further, not more than the “loaded” looks that we exchange with each other. And his intensions... who knows. I, of course, would like to believe that they're good, but I can't possibly be objective here. I am aware of that. A MM 'on the make'... is like a lion looking for the weakest antelope. Unless you want to play a part in this guy's upcoming adultery scenario, your better bet is to put up the stop light. It's not YOUR problem that his marriage is unhappy. It's HIS problem. All he's got to offer you emotionally is empty pockets. That is, until he gets off the crapper and fixes his life. I know a couple of guys like him. Really charismatic, but domestically unhappy. It's still a choice though. Each person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness. One of those guys I mentioned hasn't had sex with his wife in a YEAR, (if the grapevine is to be believed). Still, is that HIS problem, or some hapless woman's who might find him marginally attractive? He's a grown man. He could do a sack-check and dump the harpie. Anyway.... He's your boss's boss, right? Old cliche... but 'Never dip your pen in the company ink'. .... particularly not if you like your job.
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 He could do a sack-check and dump the harpie. Applause!
Author i2wtbl Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I’m really not thinking about it in terms of “will he leave his wife”. I haven’t gone there yet and quite honestly, I don’t think that I will. I look at him and I see a man that I’m terribly attracted to, knowing that the feeling is mutual. I have not planned our lives with each other. I have not fantasized about his divorce and us living happily ever after. I feel like if I did, I would be messing with something sacred. What I do think about, however, is the connection… why out of the hundreds of men that I meet, he happens to get my attention the way he does. I think someone asked whether I continue on leading a normal life, i.e. dating, etc. And of course I do! And whether this is the ultimate office cliché, I guess in a way it is. Except I’m not his secretary and hold a similar weight to the one he does… in terms of reputation and such. I’m probably one of a few that he doesn’t treat like a subordinate, but like a coworker. And this, I know for sure, has nothing to do with our attraction, but with my performance. He’s told me many times that he sees himself in me when he joined the company years ago climbing up the corporate ladder… and we do have a lot of similarities and share things that are unspoken, yet we both relate to. This was the original intent of my post – which I called ‘chemistry’, while I truly don’t know how to label this phenomenon. I never looked for anyone’s blessing to move forward. What I did want to say, however, is that these things happen so unexpectedly… so inconveniently… and I really don’t think that neither one of us has bad intensions here. It’s just hard to stop feeling something that you feel so deeply, yet is so intangible that you can’t put your finger on it.
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Sometimes you meet someone who you click with in everyway. Even if they're married or even gay! But the reality of the situation is, that person isn't available and is off limits. Accept that, and just say "Hey, I met a wonderful man, we click but we met at the wrong time in life..." and go on. I have not fantasized about his divorce and us living happily ever after. I feel like if I did, I would be messing with something sacred. What I do think about, however, is the connection… why out of the hundreds of men that I meet, he happens to get my attention the way he does. But fantasizing about him (not planning marriage or starting a life together) in a sexual way, thinking of the connection, and knowing what you're feeling - Isn't that close to crossing the lines or getting close to messing with something sacred because he's married? It’s just hard to stop feeling something that you feel so deeply, yet is so intangible that you can’t put your finger on it. Yes, but fight it anyway. No good can come of it if you let the feelings grow into something even more. You know this, as I bet he does as well. Ofcourse it's not bad intentions. Not malcious. But it IS selfish. Lusting and fantasizing about someone else's husband, even if you do work with him isn't right. The more you let yourself think of him in that way (you're crossing the lines in you head) the harder it will be to push him OUT of your head and close your heart from him.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 This was the original intent of my post – which I called ‘chemistry’, while I truly don’t know how to label this phenomenon. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's kind of mentoring you at your job. (????) Student's get crushes on teachers all the time. Employees are occasionally drawn to bosses. When you're going through a learning and growing phase, either at school or on the job... the self-esteem gets a mighty big boost when you feel that your mentor is pleased with you. It builds confidence. The idea that he likes you on a personal level would likely amplify that feeling. Still.... I think he'd be taking advantage of you if given an opportunity. I'd steer clear if I were you.
Author i2wtbl Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 But fantasizing about him (not planning marriage or starting a life together) in a sexual way, thinking of the connection, and knowing what you're feeling - Isn't that close to crossing the lines or getting close to messing with something sacred because he's married? No, I don’t think it is. Every one of us has had sinful thoughts of some sort. Thinking is not doing. When you're going through a learning and growing phase, either at school or on the job... the self-esteem gets a mighty big boost when you feel that your mentor is pleased with you. It builds confidence. The idea that he likes you on a personal level would likely amplify that feeling. That's something that I can agree with.
whichwayisup Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 No, I don’t think it is. Every one of us has had sinful thoughts of some sort. Thinking is not doing. Yes, you're right...But you have feelings for him....It’s just hard to stop feeling something that you feel so deeply, yet is so intangible that you can’t put your finger on it. So that is more than just having a quick thought about something sexual. You thinking of him outside the box IS making you FEEL more for him.
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