Nur Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 My boyfriend and I sort of mutually decided to give it a break. He said he so stressed out between making time for his school, family (very demanding!), house responsibilities (also demanding!), his personal time, and me, he felt like he was losing sight of himself and being pulled into too many directions, and that being with me was starting to feel like a chore. I decided he should take some time, put his life in order, and decide whether or not he's really ready for this relationship. In the meantime, I am free to go about my life as usual, and if I see someone else I'd like to date who actually has time for me, then he's got to take that chance. We've taken other breaks in the past that left me feeling miserable, almost inconsolably so, but we've always gotten back together. This time I have no intention of getting back until he's 100% into this relationship. The idea of being in a slow-dying relationship with someone who really doesn't want to be there is so horrid that I much prefer this way -- in fact, I feel little pain at all. Some of you have trouble with the bruised ego thing, but to me, I know I am worth being loved, and if he doesn't feel that way, then it's pretty much his loss. I'll find someone who does. I cried when he first said his feelings changed, I admit. It was a huge shock -- I thought he was happy. After all, we've been together for over a year, and were friends for three first. I've experienced everything from first kiss to first time with him. I realized, though, that it's not necessarily ME who is responsible for his changing feelings, it's simply the demands of the relationship. He's trying to live and adult life and a kid's life at the same time -- his parents are not "letting him go," even at 19. I know our relationship will only suffer if we try to make it work with those conditions, so I am actually kind of relieved to get out of it when I am. I chose NC, and that's what I think is helping me the most. The thing that always made it hard before was that he'd keep calling me, or emailing me, or I'd be tempted to call him. Then I'd hear his voice, and all the memories would come back, and I'd think of him, and miss him... It's much easier this way. I can just move on. I feel bad for him, since I know the lack of me in his life is going to hurt him deeply, but it's in my best interest that he try not to stay in it as friends when we both still have feelings for each other. He can't have his cake and eat it too, and I don't want to make my time to get over him quadruple. Plus, I think he'll have a better chance of getting over his issues without the distraction of me. The way I see it, if he calls me in a few weeks and wants to get back together, I'll be able to make a clear decision about what I want. If he doesn't, then I've already established a life without him (I'm about to move back into college), and who knows? Might have my eye on someone else. That's just the risk he'll have to take. In fact, I am surprised at how much this DOESN'T hurt. When he said those words... "My feelings have changed..." I cried, but then my heart iced over a bit and it's like I moved on right away. I guess I just feel like being in a relationship with someone who doesn't share my feelings is a waste of time anyway. I think it helps that I had an entire day to think it over between the day he announced that and the evening he came over to talk (and end up taking a break). It helped me process the information and know what the right choice would be. I felt extremely deeply for him, don't get me wrong. When I said I loved him, I meant it. But I have always been a mind-over-heart person, and if my love is being poured into someone who can't feel it back, why bother? I'll find someone who CAN appreciate it, and enjoy being single in the meantime! And why is this so easy? It always used to hurt.
InaPanic Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 wow, nur, you seem extremely level headed & mature for someone so young. Good for you. I am so happy you can move on & stick to the NC. I am much older than you are and I am having the most horrible time of my life right now. I only wish I could be as strong as you are.
Yamaha Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 And why is this so easy? Because you are not hoping and have come to the realization that you deserve more from a guy.
Author Nur Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I think I made the right choice with NC. It's much easier to move on with my life without him still in it. The more I think about it, the more the break seems like a good idea. Maturitywise, he was not ready. Time-wise, he was not ready. He had an extremely demanding family and simply could not devote himself to taking care of his family (which he shouldn't really be having to do at 19) and his relationship, without sacrificing time for himself. If he wants to choose the path of his sister, 21 and still living at home without a single relationship in over four years, that's his choice. But leave me out of it. The way he broke up was alarming as well. The first words to come out of his mouth were, "My feelings have changed; the relationship should end." Later that same evening (within the hour), he insisted, "I still love you as much as ever, and the last thing I want to do is break up! I'm your (pet name)! Don't you want your (pet name)?" Whoa, buddy! YOU were the one that broke up with me! Then, after I said that he sounded like he shouldn't be in this relationship, he rushed with, "But we can be friends, right? I can still call you?" And that's when I knew NC would be easiest. His issues were just too blaring for me to risk that, because then I might be tempted to get back together. Even so, he called my mom earlier to check up that I got back to college okay, and asked if he could come over this weekend and bring me a present (wth?) and wisely she said no. His behavior is so odd. It's like he's not ready for any decision he makes. Even when we went ahead and entered a sexual relationship, I waited until I was utterly ready, and took his assurances that he was ready at his word. Later, after he realized the depth that sex can add and the complications it can bring, he said he felt like it was moving too fast. Also, he had pretty bad PE that he could never deal with in a mature fashion. Rather than making it light and keeping going, every time we did anything he'd get all morose and lose interest. The last time we had sex, he finished early and laid there completely without interest, picking at my croch with a lazy finger. I just told him to go take a shower and took care of myself. He felt like a failure in bed, but I have told him a million times that it doesn't MATTER to me if he can last fifteen minutes or not, just as long as he was enthusiastic and kept going if that alone didn't bring along my end of it. He just never seemed to understand that sex should be a celebration of love and bonding, not just a series of "steps to satisfy." It was always an orgasm count for him. Even if he gave me three, it wasn't what I was looking for. And I think the difference of what he thought sex would be like, and his inability to "perform" as he wanted to be able to was something he simply could not cope with or handle. Of course I miss certain things about him, but there wasn't a lot left -- for every fond memory, there is an ugly one. And after his strange break up, it only makes me more certain. I don't know how long I'll have to avoid talking to him (until my feelings are under control) but I know I won't be getting back together any time soon like I am sure he hopes. There are simply too many people out there to choose from without a bunch of emotional issues. Plus, single life might be fun for a while. I have been pretty tied up the last year or so.
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