BohemeRose Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 This is a question I've seen posed in many women's magazines, but considering that it is usually answered by women who don't lead the average love life, I figured I'd ask the male audience here, and welcome responses from women with previous experience as well. It's a rather common scenario. A man is cheating on his significant other, whether it be his wife, girlfriend or whatever. She gets the feeling that something is wrong and approaches him in some fashion, more than likely indirect but some women are far more blunt. In either case, the man denies it and proclaims his faithfulness...meanwhile he IS cheating on her. When/if he's caught, he will cry out how the other women meant nothing to him and how he's in love with you, his wife/girlfriend/whatever. This hasn't happened to me (as of yet, hopefully never) but I was just wondering...if they're really so in love with one women, why does he cheat on her with another one? What's the point? And why not just break up with the girlfriend (or whatever) if he can't be faithful? Any male friends I've asked have sworn they've never cheated and so don't know. I'm really just curious at this point. Thanks!
lovernotafighter Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I don't know any men who will admit to it either..but theres that thrill of sex with a unusual partner and of coarse they love to get away with stuff..it strokes their ego...so they do it because they can.
Adunaphel Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 This hasn't happened to me (as of yet, hopefully never) but I was just wondering...if they're really so in love with one women, why does he cheat on her with another one? What's the point? Some guys are in love with their W/gf but will cheat as a distraction, or because they want to feel again like when they were younger and in their wild days, or for fun, or because of the Coolidge effect. And why not just break up with the girlfriend (or whatever) if he can't be faithful? Because cake tastes good but also looks great in your plate. They don't care about the fact that they are breaking trust, or even if they care they decide that their supposed needs more important or will make up justifications/excuses for themselves. Humans are selfish by nature, but some are more selfish than others.
Author BohemeRose Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 Some guys are in love with their W/gf but will cheat as a distraction, or because they want to feel again like when they were younger and in their wild days, or for fun, or because of the Coolidge effect. Coolidge effect....I've never heard of that before. What is it?
HopefulOne Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 BohemeRose, very good question... I look foward to reading this thread... I had a boyfriend years ago who cheated and I had the feeling and even when confronted, he wouldn't say so, not until the very end did he ever fess up. He said he didn't know what he wanted. We broke up because I had the feeling ( you just know ) and he went to be with her, then he came back and wanted to work it out saying that he had made a mistake and only wanted me ......... GO figure.....
superconductor Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Funny this should come up now. A good friend of mine - male - is convinced his wife is cheating on him. No doubt whatsoever in his mind. The evidence he has is all circumstantial, but there's just too much of it to be written off as coincidence. She's got a history of this too. Meanwhile, my buddy has always been faithful to her, but she's already got a little on the side in the past. But if he confronts her, she pulls the standard, "What, you don't trust me?!" crap. It's a mess. It's just a mess.
Adunaphel Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Coolidge effect....I've never heard of that before. What is it? I'm not sure about which links I can post on here, but you will found more about it if you google it, anyway it's a biological phenomenon - the re-arousal of a male animal by the introduction of a new female. My theory is that to quite a lot of "cheating guys who love their wife" happens this: the guy has been with his W/gf for quite a lot of time. He is also getting old, his libido has decreased and his erections are not the same as they used to be. He cheats with "a new female", and he gets a libido increase because of the Coolidge effect. So he can tell himself "it's not me getting old, it's just that I was bored after making love just with my w/gf so long". But he's really fooling himself. He *is* getting old, it is not "boredom" making his libido decrease and his penis less ready to go into "operating mode", it is the coolidge effect making him temporarily hornier. When I shared this theory of mine with my MM he wasn't exactly flattered.
superconductor Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 It could also be, of course, that the fellow is simply sick and tired of hearing excuses from his wife/gf to not have sex. One can only hear the litany of "I'm too tired/it's too hot/it's too cold/I don't feel like it/The kids will hear us/All you ever think about is sex," etc etc etc without it affecting the marriage.
HopefulOne Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 While that very well may be true..Not all women use excuses all the time... Some women actually like sex but maybe your right the ones who are getting the excuses go elsewhere... or again, the guy justs want to have his cake and eat it to...
Adunaphel Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 It could also be, of course, that the fellow is simply sick and tired of hearing excuses from his wife/gf to not have sex. One can only hear the litany of "I'm too tired/it's too hot/it's too cold/I don't feel like it/The kids will hear us/All you ever think about is sex," etc etc etc without it affecting the marriage. You are right, I guess this happens relatively often. I wonder how often. And I wonder how often a guys chooses to get it elsewhere without really putting a big effort in explaining to his W/gf how important sex his for him, and in trying to make his W/gf want to have sex with him. (Not that I think that it is a necessarily a good enough reason to cheat even if there is no way for you to get any sex. ) To be honest I thought that the case when the guy does not get it at home was not contemplated, and that the OP was talking about guys who love their wife and get enough sex.
JamesM Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Why do men cheat? Lack of sex, lack of attention, sexual addiction, thrill of new women, variety, call for help, anger against his wife. First, probably the main one...the wife no longer feels that sex is important. For whatever reason, she feels that the relationship does fine without it or very little of it. Since only he wants it, then it is selfishness on his part. She forgets the fun and passion that they had. She has been stressed in life..children, housework, career, etc. But when a man has no more sex at home, this constitutes rejection from his wife. He feels she no longer loves him. He needs the knowledge that he can still excite his wife sexually. To him this is the ultimate expression of his love and her love. Having been there, I totally understand. Read my story, my wife had a medical problem, but it translated as emotional problems. She lost feelings for me and was depressed. She said she never wanted sex again. I was devastated. Now that I know it was medical, her words no longer sting, but then they did. Fortunately, before I looked for an affair, for the sake of our marriage and children, I decided to try and "fix" her. We had a happy ending. Most men and women have this void in their life, and then someone pays extra attention to them. Thus begins an affair. Second, the woman gets caught up in her life and leads a separate one from her husband. He begins to work long hours. Neither spend time with each other. The husband has a good looking or at least attractive co worker who pays him extra attention. She appreciates him for what she sees at work. No, she doesn't really know him, but an affair starts from the time they spend together. He tells her of his marital problems. Maybe she is dissatisfied with her husband...or is single and wants a man. Since this new woman listens to him as if he were quite something and his wife never has time for him, he believes he is in love all over again. Then the wife wonders.."How come he fell for that skank?" Of course, her opinion will be extra biased, but she is probably right...he fell for this woman because she paid him attention, noy because of her looks. Third, he does it because he likes the variety, thrill of a new woman, and is addicted to the pleasure of it. It is like a drug. Each new woman is like opening a new Playboy. Every piece of clothing taken off reveals something new. It provides a high that is only experienced with the first time. Most of these men tend to not only be serial adulterers, but they visit prostitutes and escorts. I used to be a member (sadly to say) during my darker days of an escort Board. I can truthfully say that I never visited any of them, but it opened my eyes to a new world. Most of the men (80% from one poll) were married, and they openly discussed how they went about planning the visits to escorts. They had PO Boxes, prepaid cell phones, and on it went. These women were also members here too. Many of them were not attractive, but some were. Price was set based on beauty...never said, but implied. For most men, the thrill of planning was as good as the actual session. It was incredible to me that a percentage of these men saw an escort every week (at $300 per hour)...some more. And I was astonished at the fact that these men spent so much money on women who they would never had looked twice at on the street or in a bar. But it came down to the thrill of sex without the need for pleasing the woman. Fourth, and I am sure there are more reasons, it can be a call for help or done in anger against the wife. Many men simply want sex and connection with their wives. Even when they have sex with another woman, most of the time it doesn't compare to sex with the wife. The familiarity of the wife, the emotional connection....this is much better than the strange feelings with another woman. But his wife has for some reason as in the first couple of points decided that sex is no longer necessary or wanted. It may be the husband's fault. It may not be. But in either case, the husband is calling for help. He wants his wife to realize that he loves her and wants her, but he feels frustrated and no longer knows how to tell her. Any conversation becomes about HIS need for sex, not how the relationship needs the connection...not how the husband "uses" sex to show his admiration and love for his wife...not how it is for the wife to show that she feels her husband is truly "her man." He becomes desperate and cheats hoping to be found out...hoping she is hurt, and hoping this opens her eyes that he is not only attractive to other women, but that he needs this sexual attention to prove his love for her and he needs it to believe that she loves him. If she doesn't want sex, she has rejected him and his love. SO, he looks elsewhere. I believe that a good marriage prevents alot of cheating...not all, but most. (This marriage must be good for both partners. This can only be known through constant communication and love. Each must be attuned to his or her partner to determine if he or she is happy). However, having been there, NONE of the above are excuses. On the escort board, it was sometimes hilarious to see the rationale men used for the participation in the "hobby" as it was called. IE this was their hobby instead of golfing, they wouldn't be there if their wives were interested in sex or more variety, etc. Usually when an affair occurs, both parties are at fault, but one party chose to break his or her vow instead of pursuing a fix to his or her marriage. SO, why do men cheat? Not because the other woman looks better....mostly because she gives him attention and admiration.
Author BohemeRose Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 SO, why do men cheat? Not because the other woman looks better....mostly because she gives him attention and admiration. Ok, so a lot of repeats and variations on this one...However, what about the YOUNGER couple in which this happens? Where the man's cheating is actually what is hindering their sex life? For example, the woman is just as interested in sex as ever, but he seems less interested because he is running around, getting his kicks from other women. Riddle me that, Batman!
Author BohemeRose Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 You are right, I guess this happens relatively often. I wonder how often. And I wonder how often a guys chooses to get it elsewhere without really putting a big effort in explaining to his W/gf how important sex his for him, and in trying to make his W/gf want to have sex with him. (Not that I think that it is a necessarily a good enough reason to cheat even if there is no way for you to get any sex. ) To be honest I thought that the case when the guy does not get it at home was not contemplated, and that the OP was talking about guys who love their wife and get enough sex. Thank you. That's pretty much what I meant, heh. And not just married couples. Even just people dating.
superconductor Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Could be that the party in question, male or female, has a sexual addiction.
Author BohemeRose Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 Could be that the party in question, male or female, has a sexual addiction. Bleh...I've heard that on several "Behind the Music" and other celebrity-based specials on TV...and while I don't doubt it's existance, I HIGHLY doubt it effects as many men/women that are doing the cheating.
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I had (have) a brilliant sex life with my partner. I tried hard to please him and I can count on one hand the number of times I have said no. He still cheated, with an ex who came crawling out of the woodwork to talk about old times, and ask his advice because her own relationship had ended. He loves me and is trying hard to repair the damage. Having two women adore him was fun until he was caught. I am trying hard to keep it all together. One thing I do know, he wasnt lacking anything with me, and as he says he doesnt love her (and never did) I still cant understand why he did this to me...to us.
Author BohemeRose Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I had (have) a brilliant sex life with my partner. I tried hard to please him and I can count on one hand the number of times I have said no. He still cheated, with an ex who came crawling out of the woodwork to talk about old times, and ask his advice because her own relationship had ended. He loves me and is trying hard to repair the damage. Having two women adore him was fun until he was caught. I am trying hard to keep it all together. One thing I do know, he wasnt lacking anything with me, and as he says he doesnt love her (and never did) I still cant understand why he did this to me...to us. I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. I really hope everything works out for the best. But it's things like this that made me ask the question in the first place.
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