superfreak Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 So... I've been having lunch with a guy for a few weeks now off and on (not every day or anything... I'm interested in lunching with my friends, too), sometimes alone and sometimes with a mutual friend. I really dig him a lot--he's older than me (I'm not sure how much, though) but we really seem to have a lot in common and I like that. We have great conversations (of course, sometimes better than others), I haven't seen a ring or heard ANYTHING about another woman in his life, and I've always been the one to initiate a lunch alone together. Our mutual friend always initiates the lunches when we're not alone... I'm horrible at reading body language (especially if it's subtle), and I'm not sure quite what to do. I want to tell him that I'm interested in him (oh, did I mention we work together? same building but different departments) in a nice, respectful, and quiet (to avoid the rumor mill or potential embarrassment for me) way that will offer him an out if he's not interested or is seeing someone else and not make him feel creeped out or anything. I have never once in my life been this aggressive with a man (I haven't thrown myself at him or anything--that's not my style), and I don't know how to progress. I don't even really know if he's interested in me. I suppose maybe more time is necessary to figure it out, but I want to make my move NOW! You all know how crushes work... What to do?
Outcast Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Ask some sort of 'wife' or 'family' question like 'does your wife like living here, too' or some such thing. That will let him know you're interested and give him a chance to let you know what his status is.
norajane Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 So he goes to lunch with you when your mutual friend arranges it, and when you arrange it just for the two of you. Has he ever called you to go to lunch? I understand the desire to DO something about your crush, but usually a guy will act on his interest if there is any. That he never arranges lunch with you, and that he's never flirted with you when you have lunch alone tells me he's not that into you.
Author superfreak Posted September 2, 2006 Author Posted September 2, 2006 So now it seems that we've actually had lunch several times now alone. He's even asked me once... The conversations seem to go really well, I'm not sure of where we stand and where I stand on the whole moving forward thing. I'm afraid of being embarrassed at work, I'm afraid of pushing him away altogether (first, I don't want anyone to feel awkward at work, and second, even if he says no I still want to be friends with him cos he's a really interesting guy so far), and sometimes it even feels like the opportunity's ripe to ask about involvement with anyone else and then tell him I'm interested. I know this isn't the whole story; it's really vague, and everybody's different. I get the feeling he's a slow-mover, and that perhaps he's into me, too. It's a crapshoot, one in which I could end up losing and being rejected. On the other hand, if I don't take risks, I could miss something. I'm really... Not "in love," not really "obsessed," but perhaps "heavily infatuated" but not to the point where I can't focus on my job responsibilities (as aforementioned in the last post, it's a co-worker kind of scenario); I also think I can handle it if he says "no" and I have to face him at work the next day. Once again, what to do?
stoopid_guy Posted September 2, 2006 Posted September 2, 2006 How old are you both? Doesn't need to be exact, but ballpark (eg. "early 20's.") That makes a difference and will give folks here more of a feel for what's happening. Have you had any personal conversations? Ask him about pets, kids, etc. You do want a definate answer on marital status, but you can lead to that by talkng about old boyfriends, or your parent's marriage.
Author superfreak Posted September 3, 2006 Author Posted September 3, 2006 How old are you both? Doesn't need to be exact, but ballpark (eg. "early 20's.") That makes a difference and will give folks here more of a feel for what's happening. Have you had any personal conversations? Ask him about pets, kids, etc. You do want a definate answer on marital status, but you can lead to that by talkng about old boyfriends, or your parent's marriage. I'm in my late twenties, and I assume he's in his mid- to late-thirties. We have had some personal conversations, but mostly about work, how we feel about work, etc. He's asked me some questions about where I live, who I live with, etc., so it would be fair to ask the same in return. I assumed that he would then offer up the same information since he asked; I guess that's wrong. I'm so... This is so different. I'm actually really used to having these really unhealthy relationships, and this just seems so... Patient and slow. I like it, I just don't know how to handle it. My plan, as of today, was to ask him point blank if he's seeing anyone/married, and, if not, if he'd be interested in seeing me after work in hopes of either developing a friendship or something more. I still don't really know how to do that, either; I mean, I hope I can trust him not to make fun of me for it or that it somehow gets leaked out all over the office and I have to suffer for it reputation-wise. He doesn't strike me as a very petty sort of man, and really seems to be good at and appreciates discretion. I guess the only thing I can do is just put myself out on the line and face the possibility of rejection (like we all have to do, I guess) without reading into it too much. Thanks...
Author superfreak Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Hello, again, folks... I have an update on the confusion... I'm even more confused now than I was...! : ) So, here's the deal. Me and this guy I like went to lunch with the mutual friend. I asked him what he was up to, he says he's doing the lunch with the friend and that I'm welcome to come along if I'd like. Of course, I say yes! We had this great conversation. I mean, it was really really interesting to me. I had a great time. With BOTH of them. They were great company. So, on our way, the mutual friend invites us both to do something, and my crush says that he's having dinner with a woman he lists by name. I don't know what his relationship is to her, I mean, it could be family or a friend. I'm not pushy enough to ask, "So, who's she?" I figure if he wants me to know, he'll tell me. Maybe that was some kind of subtle innuendo to get me to ask? I don't know... As aforementioned, I am certainly no judge of these kinds of things. I especially, also, didn't want to appear possessive (especially when I'm NOT) or anything like that right off the get-go. After our lunch with the fantastic conversation, I finally got up the nerve to ask him to go out for coffee or something along those lines. It felt comfortable, I wasn't really nervous at all anymore (which is really weird for me.. I'm almost always extremely nervous in those kinds of situations). I mean, it's just a platonic kind of "getting-to-know-you-better" move, and, honestly, I'm up for just seeing where things go instead of trying to push it on the romantic level exclusively. Like I said, I really dig this guy. If he doesn't want to date me or anything, or can't, I'd certainly be disappointed but not devastated; I would also definitely like to keep him in my circle of friends because he's just that cool, in my opinion. He responded fairly positively... He said he had a lot going on in the next few weeks or so, and that we could make some time for it at some point in the future. I told him to let me know, and I also tried to make sure that he knew that I intend the utmost respect for him. I really don't want him to feel uncomfortable in any way or think that I want anything from him that's not on the up and up. I'm no homewrecker, I'm no psycho stalker, and I'm certainly not so caught up in my own fantasies and delusions that I'm gonna try to push someone into a relationship with me when they don't want one. I've been on the other side of all of those things, and they were so terrible to go through that I'm really sensitive to ensuring that I don't exhibit those kinds of behaviors. Respect--spoken and shown--are very important to me, as is trust. So, given these new factors, what do you guys think? I've talked to my friends some about it, and they're under the opinion that it could be a good thing. I just wanted to try to get some totally objective viewpoints from folk who don't know either of us. It's always nice to get perspective from people who are totally removed from the situation, you know? Thanks a lot, everyone who has already responded and who (maybe) will continue to do so. Sorry this one is so long!
tanbark813 Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I might be wrong but "I'm really busy for the next few weeks" is usually a bad sign. If he were really interested he'd find the time.
Guest Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Why not host a small get together with him, the mutual friend and a few other friends? Ask him & mutual friend at the same time while you are at lunch one day. If the mutual friend has a SO, add of course you can bring a guest if you like.
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