sad-in-seattle Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 My boyfriend dumped me on Sunday. He thought I was cheating on him because I had an ex at the house hanging out when he came to visit. We were totally just hanging out. He didn't believe me. He called me every name in the book - said he could do better and stormed out. Now he won't return any email that I've sent him. I emailed him and said I didn't cheat on him and I don't understand why he would come to that conclusion. I did admit that I lied about hanging out with people "he doesn't approve of", but that's just because I don't agree and I'd rather not fight. I know it was wrong of me to lie.. but I feel like it was wrong of him to be controlling.. what do I do now? He won't respond to me and he thinks I'm a cheater??
Winfield Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 My boyfriend dumped me on Sunday. He thought I was cheating on him because I had an ex at the house hanging out when he came to visit. We were totally just hanging out. He didn't believe me. He called me every name in the book - said he could do better and stormed out. Now he won't return any email that I've sent him. I emailed him and said I didn't cheat on him and I don't understand why he would come to that conclusion. I did admit that I lied about hanging out with people "he doesn't approve of", but that's just because I don't agree and I'd rather not fight. I know it was wrong of me to lie.. but I feel like it was wrong of him to be controlling.. what do I do now? He won't respond to me and he thinks I'm a cheater?? You can't change his mind - he'll think what he thinks. You've given your take on the story to him, so you can't do much more. What to do now? Either choose to move on (which in my opinion is probably for the best, as it's more than likely this episode will get dragged up again further down the road), or sit tight, pining for his response.
riobikini Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 re: sad-in-seattle: "....boyfriend dumped me... He thought I was cheating on him because I had an ex at the house hanging out when he came to visit. We were totally just hanging out. He didn't believe me. " Your boyfriend *may* have a problem with trust issues....and I agree that his reaction was ugly....but 'hanging out' with ex's is often playing with fire (look, -you were in a relationship with a *new* partner at the time). Depending on whether you have truly concluded your past romantic relationship ( i.e. no regrets, no reservations and thus no vulnerability to reviving the past) and whether your relationship with your current partner is pretty solid should determine whether or not it's 'o.k.' to resume any kind of friendship with an ex. A current partner should also be aware of such a friendship. Both the fact you did not disclose the friendship and the surprise of seeing your ex in your residence were just enough to tilt the balance and produce the circumstances in a very negative light, and the necessary ingredients to cause some common, ugly (but understandable) human emotions to form in a flash. Had you informed him of your ongoing friendship with your ex, knowing about it and having time to absorb and accept it may have helped to curb feelings of suspicion and subsequent jealousy in your current partner regarding the incident. Generally speaking, keeping the fire burning with an ex (and calling it 'friendship') is a big 'no-no'. One of the main building blocks of any worthwhile relationship is *trust* -from both sides- and *certain* disclosures should be made at the 'get-go' of most relationships through open, honest communication in order to build it up properly to begin with, continue to add to it, and preserve and protect it in the future. -Rio
Guest Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Hey, I really beleive that your boyfriend is jelous period. If he doesn't trust you...you are wasting your time..seriously My parents are married 25yrs together and sometimes my dad is talking to like 5 other women..at a certain party like a wedding or something else..and my mom doesn't have a problem with that...ask why? because they trust each other and know that he would never sleep with another women and my mom would never sleep with another guy.........it is that trust you have to find between 2 partners Show them that you love them..and you will always be there for the bad and for the good My conclusion is to you...if your boyfriend cannot stand it when you hang around your friends...just leave..it is for the better...if he loves you he would let you do anything and be supportive of you (he who judges, loves less of you)
vito41 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Hey, I really beleive that your boyfriend is jelous period. If he doesn't trust you...you are wasting your time..seriously My parents are married 25yrs together and sometimes my dad is talking to like 5 other women..at a certain party like a wedding or something else..and my mom doesn't have a problem with that...ask why? because they trust each other and know that he would never sleep with another women and my mom would never sleep with another guy.........it is that trust you have to find between 2 partners Show them that you love them..and you will always be there for the bad and for the good My conclusion is to you...if your boyfriend cannot stand it when you hang around your friends...just leave..it is for the better...if he loves you he would let you do anything and be supportive of you (he who judges, loves less of you)
In Sync Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 My boyfriend dumped me on Sunday. He thought I was cheating on him because I had an ex at the house hanging out when he came to visit. We were totally just hanging out. He didn't believe me. He called me every name in the book - said he could do better and stormed out. Now he won't return any email that I've sent him. I emailed him and said I didn't cheat on him and I don't understand why he would come to that conclusion. I did admit that I lied about hanging out with people "he doesn't approve of", but that's just because I don't agree and I'd rather not fight. I know it was wrong of me to lie.. but I feel like it was wrong of him to be controlling.. what do I do now? He won't respond to me and he thinks I'm a cheater?? Firtst, if you get the feeling somebody is trying to control you that is an *alarm bell* in your guts that you should listen to. Second, there is no excuse in the world that he should be calling you any name in the book because he was angry. That is a major red flag. You accept that once it's a free pass that he will keep doing it. Third, if you have to lie to him about the people you want to hang out with...already this is a sign of a manipulative relationship. And when you have to tip -toe around somebody as technique to avoid fighting that means you are now engaging in the role of letting him control your behavior because of his reactions. This is emotional imprisonment. Bondage. His not responding to your calls are classic patterns, I repeat myself classic patterns of one person trying to control another. He's insecure and this is a way of punishing you. 100 %of the people who want to control another person are insecure. Insecure people feel powereless and they use the silent treatment, temper tantrums anger, jealous accusations to control their environment. A secure man or woman knows how to control their temper AND their tongue. All this other nonsense about whether you should be with an ex-bf hanging is BS. How your boyriend treats you and talks to you is more serious. That is something you need to think about.
Road Rage Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 1 He was right to dump you. 2 But he may have a bad temper problem so maybe it is a good thing he is gone.
Author sad-in-seattle Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks to all who have replied. Everyone's advice has been very helpful. He finally contacted me a week later. He told our relationship could be fixed if I pretty much begged him for forgiveness and said I would never talk to any ex's or any boy that he doesn't approve of. He said I also shouldn't be allowed to hang out with any boy in general alone unless he knows them very well. I haven't responded because I think it's ridiculous... How do I get through to him that this isn't a healthy relationship??
In Sync Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks to all who have replied. Everyone's advice has been very helpful. He finally contacted me a week later. He told our relationship could be fixed if I pretty much begged him for forgiveness and said I would never talk to any ex's or any boy that he doesn't approve of. He said I also shouldn't be allowed to hang out with any boy in general alone unless he knows them very well. I haven't responded because I think it's ridiculous... How do I get through to him that this isn't a healthy relationship?? I am sad to say but you are already in the middle of a situation that is unhealthy. The guy is talking to you, and now you're happy. WTF you had to beg him for forgiveness? Damn...girls will do anything to keep a guy...that's really messed up. Sorry, but reading that was mind-blowing. He's not your husband nor your father. You've given this guy authority over your right to make judgements concerning your actions. I don't know if you can see that your position is basically passive and dependent on this guy. You cannot get through to a controlling person..in the end you will lose your self esteem by staying in this dominating relationship where you must submit to his will.
Author sad-in-seattle Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 [COLOR=black]No I never begged him for forgiveness... that is just what he wants. It actually really weird because he comes over and we talk for like 15-20min...he tells me pretty much what he wants (me to say I will never talk to them again and I'm sorry and I won't lie) and I don't say anything at all. He just says think about it and there isn't any resolution. I go up to my apartment and not talk to him for the rest of the night.. then we talk the next day we talk with the same thing happening. He is just waiting for me to give in a say I'll never talk to these people again and I guess I delusional that I could explain to him that he is being too controlling.. but I realized that it's not going to happen... [/COLOR]
In Sync Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Here's something I realized a real genuine adult relationship is free of cloak and dagger games and manipulation. If you feel the need to keep from him who you are seeing as friends secrecy is already fodder for disharmony. No one can control another person..any attempts eventually brings resentment and frustration to both parts.
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