sad-in-seattle Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I've been dumped. Most likely everyone has and if not, congrats. ;-) I'm trying to figure out was it really me or was it him? If I should move on or if I should work at it and if it's worth it. I know after you read this you'll think.. hell no.. but there were a lot of good things there - I'm just including the bad =P. I want to just spit it all out and lay it out and hopefully get some constructive advice from my peers. BTW this is soo long I really doubt anyone will read it =P Most likely boring too. hehe Thanks! Here I go: I met my boyfriend in college. It was senior year. We had a class together and sparks flew. We immediately started to spend every day together. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. He had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship w/his high school sweetheart. We can definitely say the word baggage here. =P We both told our ex's, even though they were kinda friends.. that awkward we dated for so long friends situation, that we met someone else and pretty much take a hike. So right off the bat I found out that he is a super jealous guy. At first I thought it was cute and sweet. Aww.. he's jealous? That must mean he really likes me. It wasn't cute though after he told me I couldn't hang out with a couple of my guy friends. The main reason for not hanging out with one of them is because long in the past I had "dated" this guy, but it never went to a relationship and we maintained a friendship. When it started to get really ugly is when I went to study with my friend. My boyfriend started to call me non-stop asking where I was and trying to track me down on campus. I felt scared like I was in trouble so I lied about studying with my friend. I later confessed to him after he had grilled me for hours at his apartment later. I told him I was studying, but he didn't believe me. He immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was sleeping with this boy. I asked, "In the computer lab??". It seemed that common sense didn't make a difference at that point. This is also when I started to become "the liar". Now I don't want to get off on the wrong start and say I wasn't jealous at all. He talked to his ex of six years. He told me that they had dated and she was this horrible girlfriend who cheated on him (even though he had no proof - just suspected) and she would go out to clubs to meet guys when they were dated. I was jealous of this girl. Who wouldn't be I mean six years! Anyways...enough of my hypocritical tyraid =P Also he didn't allow me to go out to clubs for the first couple of months.. it later turned out that he felt ok with it after a while (he would call them meat-markets). So I stopped talking to that boy he freaked out about when I studied with him. I stopped talking to my ex of 3 years. He stopped talking to his ex of 6 years. All was good for about 4-5 months. He moved into my place. I had a roommate that was my best friend at the time. Also male, but my boyfriend was not threatened by him because he assumes (so does everyone else) that he is gay. Although my best friend sincerely says he isn't... I believe him, but lets move on. They got along well at first, but then started to butt heads. Finally it was put to a decision between my best friend or my boyfriend living with me. I chose my boyfriend. So now I live solely with my boyfriend. We had gone to a trip to Europe together. We traveled for a month and it was great. Towards the end it got a little rocky and he started to act alot different. He started to act different when we hit our final destination of Germany. We met up with his friends that were studying abroad. He was very distance and would never walk beside me or hold my hand. I needed that security being in a foreign country and only knowing him. He told me it was rude to do that. I don't understand to this day how it would be rude, especially when his friend had a girlfriend and they were doing all of those things. So for that part of the trip I felt a huge distance between us, loss of affection, and general disrespect. We get back and that's when it all started to go downhill. He was nice for a month or so, but then that same feeling I got from Germany came back. He started to distance himself. He stopped having "romantic" feelings towards me. He told me he had to concentrate on school and work and didn't have time for me to "bring him down". That he couldn't "talk" about this because it always ends in a fight. I tried to talk with him several times, but it was to know avail. He is the type of guy that will never ever resolve anything and I am the polar opposite. I like to resolve as soon as possible. Anyways, with the general lack of attention I started to hang out more with my general friends. They all hang out with the friends that he "banned" so it ended up I was hanging out with them as well. He started to ask me who was at these events and I'd lie. I started to actually talk to some of these friends again. I'd chat here or there. My boyfriend would check my phone and call me out or check my email. I told him that yes I talk with them, but it is just friends. I don't understand why I need to give up my friends. He just kept telling me that it isn't right for a normal person to have to be friends with the ex's or people they've dated. It's just for insecure people that need someone on the backburner. I just didn't understand. So I would lie to avoid conflict. I would get caught. He was continued to call me a liar and a horrible girlfriend. It was this horrible downward spiral. I felt like the worst person ever and I was like lie even more to get out of trouble. I would say I'll never talk to them again! I promise. Although in my head I thought "What's the big deal - he is freaking out over nothing, I'll just hide it better." So that continued on. He'd always catch me talking on the phone with a friend he didn't approve of and make me feel guilty. At the lowest point of it all. It was low because he stopped generally acting like he cared, stopped having sex with me for months at a time. When I'd ask him why he didn't want to have sex - he'd always respond with I do! But I would ask why don't you ever initiate it. He would say I dunno. When I'd ask to have sex he'd say he was too tired or he just ate. He always had an excuse. (I know he wasn't cheating - he hardly left the house). I asked why he doesn't like sex he'd say he's just not that sexual of a person and he has no explanation. I felt like I was disgusting or something. Like oh crap... what the heck is wrong with me? I would ask if he would just like to break up. If wasn't enjoying the relationship. He said he was... this is just how he is... it loved to be with me, but this was just how he was. I started to play hardcore video games because it was the best alternatives to not having friends and my boyfriend not paying attention to me. He started to get jealous of that. You play too much.. blah blah. Although I was crack addicted for a while. I eventually stopped playing, but more on my merit. Finally he moved out, well more like I suggested that he move out. We started fighting too much. He didn't even want to resolve anything. Before when we fought we resolved in the end. So get this, this is what he started to do: we'd fight about something, he'd never come to a resolution with me, I'd beg for a resolution, but he'd say I'm too tired to talk about this now or we'll talk about this later, then the next day or so I'd bring it up saying we need to resolve it, and he'd say "why do you keep bringing up the same thing??" "Im not going to resolve it because you'll just bring it up again next time - you always bring up stuff over and over" Well frick! I just bring things up because they were never resolved.. if we resolved them I wouldn't bring them up anymore. Yah - we never got anywhere. So he moved into his own place. The plan was to work things out and for me to move in down the road. Then he started acting all independent. This is my house. You don't have an opinion of what should go in my house. This is all my stuff. He started calling his mom or his sister and asking her for advice right in front of me instead of asking me. He started being really weird. At this point we had been dating for over a year. We stopped seeing each other hardly at all. He got a new job where he worked like 60-70 hours a week if not more. He makes good money and comes from a wealthy family. So he has the high and mighty attitude. He'd throw out some low blows in fights.. I admit I have a temper and say mean things as well.. but he's not afraid to call me the B-word.. once he said "I'll never amount to anything"... (At the time I was trying to get into law school). Although I am no innocent bystander I said my fair share of bad things to him. We saw each other over the last 3-5 months maybe like once a week. We hardly talked. He never had time for me. We had sex like 3 times in the last 3-4 months. It was generally I thought over. All the sudden out of no where he decides he wants to try to fix our relationship. He wants to try to change things. He ended up taking a position that gave him less hours... although he got a pay raise and a job title raise, but of course he only attributed it to "doing the right thing to spend more time with me". Although when he got the new job he didn't really spend all that much extra time with me. He hung out with me a couple times after work. He would never stay the night. Never initiate sex. He would make weird excuses saying he has to go clean his toilets. He always has an excuse of how busy he is so that he can leave. I'd go there several days later and his toilets where never clean... I dunno.. Last week we hung out and I had like 100 finity text messages so I cleared them out. He freaked out and said I was doing something messed up because I deleted my texts... (if I really wanted to hide something I'd just individual texts.. not the whole lot of them) anyways...he got over that. He wanted me to hang out with his parents. He always wants to hang out when he has an "obligation" to his parents to go to dinner. I was fed up w/never hanging out, no affection, etc. I told him to basically f'off (in a polite way) that I didn't want to go to dinner with his parents and also that day I was studying off and on for an exam. I took a break in the middle of the day to go hit balls at a driving range. One of my unapproved friends drove me and my roommate back to our house. My unapproved friend was about to leave, but my boyfriend call me liked 2 minutes after I got home. He talked to me the whole time. He was secretly driving up to my house to check up on me. My unapproved friend went into another room so that I wouldn't get yelled at. I ended up admitting to my boyfriend that my unapproved friend was there and he ended up freaking out cussing at me calling me a Bitch, Slut, Whore, any word you can think of. He was saying that my bed was messed up so I must had just had sex (uhh it was messed up because I never made it in the morning). I told him I had been home maybe like 10minutes total and most of the time it was talking to him on the phone. He called me every name in the book, took all his stuff from my house, his key from my keychain, our picture frame off the mantle (but he was nice enough to let me keep the picture since he yelled "I DONT WANT IT") said I'm a lying whore and all this BS. He said he can't believe I'd ditch his parents to hang out with my ex.. but that wasn't the case. I didn't ditch them for him. I just didn't want to go.. and as a break during my studying in the day I had hit balls with a group of friends, and yes one of my unapproved friends were there and gave us a ride home. He never would listen to reason. After he called me a whore and slut for the millionth time I cried and said I didn't do anything like that. I never cheated on you. I'm sorry you get so mad at the friends I keep. I know I shouldn't lie. I should had never lied, but I should had never had to lie. He said he could do better then me and he drove away. That was Sunday and it's Friday. He still hasn't responded to any of my emails. I know I had lied in the past. At times I had done things that were out right wrong and shady. But he has had his fair share of wrong doings in this relationship. I guess I feel at fault, but at the same time I don't know if I really am. Where my lying and commingling with unapproved friends driven from the lack of trust and extreme jealousy. Also the lack of love and affection. Or maybe I am just a bad person who lies... Or maybe a combination of both... I guess it doesn't matter anymore because I'm dumped and now I'm alone.
Returning Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Or maybe a combination of both... I guess it doesn't matter anymore because I'm dumped and now I'm alone. No, thank heavens he's gone, now you have a new begining and can hang out with whoever you choose. This kind of abusive relationship can be hard on your self esteem. You need to refill your larder with lots of love for yourself. And keep your fingers crossed this tyrant doesn't come back, get rid of all trace of this guy. Don't look back, leave the past in the past and get on with the today and the future. Don't worry about the future, it's not here yet. Just get on with being happy today, pamper yourself. Take each day as it comes, play some golf, hang out with your real friends. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. You had to develop coping mechanisms (lieing etc) to deal with this guy's behaviour, get rid of them, they weren't you, you couldn't play straight in a bent game, the games over, get on with your life.
sad-in-seattle Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 "you couldn't play straight in a bent game, the games over, get on with your life" Thank you. You don't understand how much better that made me feel. I don't feel so crazy now.
dancehead Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Oh gosh what a controlling abusive relationship. You really are best off out of it. Thank your lucky stars its over finally and you can now get on with your life and see whoever you choose wihout him moaning at you. He sounded very depressed and insecure. Whatever you do do not take him back. I think hes now getting a kick out of you emailing him etc. I think he will come crawling back. Don't speak to him, block his number or whatever, its not even worth trying to be his friend because he sounds like a nut.
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