I am so messed up

[xfile102]

So this is my first post, and to ask my question and receive truly honest feedback, I should tell you all the ENTIRE history of what has gone on and how messed up I really am.

 

Here goes.

 

My Parents divorced when I was 2. I lived w/ my mother and step father but visited my father almost 2x a year from age 5 - 15. My stepfather was very wealthy and abusive. My Mother was always sick, and constantly in the hospital. Due to my step father's job, we moved every 6-20 months. He was in the hotel business. So we moved around all the time, never in any place long enough to make friends. My step father worked all the time, and Mom was in the hospital most of the time. I was always told my mother was just sick, but it turns out when they finally told me when I was about 11, that my mother was suffering from Chronic Pancreatitis, an EXTREMELY painful and debilitating disease that was being exacerbated by the fact that she was a raging alcoholic. I was totally unaware. So she spent the large portion of the next few years in between the hospital and rehab. My parents were Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I was forced to go to church with them. As part of the religion, I was not allowed to associate with kids who were not part of the church, as they were considered part of “the world” and as such, they would corrupt me. I can’t count the number of times I had 1st Corinthians 15:33 quoted to me : “do not be mislead, bad associations spoils useful habits.”. So I had no friends, just books, and my parents were scarcely around. I was a real geek, and very sheltered. But I loved a charmed life, as I never wanted for anything. I never had designer stuff, but I was NEVER without any necessities. I was not a typical kid. I was constantly in trouble. Stealing, setting fires in Garbage cans, but I never looked the delinquent part. I was never in fights, I was always the one picked on. I was the preppy kid always getting in trouble for trying to be rebellious. I finally got tired of the religious oppression and decided to go live with my real dad and step-mom. The day I left, my mom disowned me. She told me I was no longer her son. I went to live with my dad, but instead of getting better, I got worse. My step mom got me a job working at her shop, and I stole out of the register. I only went to classes when I felt like it. My grades sucked, and I was close to being expelled. I was incredibly intelligent kid, in a number of gifted classes and AP classes, but was removed from all because of my grades. I started doing all of the things other kids my age did for the first time, but I was playing catch-up, so I did everything in excess. I slept with every girl I could, and dated, broke hearts, and slept around on every girl. I got into drugs heavy, and drinking. I was a mess. My father finally kicked me out of the house and I ended up living with friends for my Senior year. I went to Community College, at Cerritos College in Norwalk California, and basically repeated High School, but with better grades. I slept with tons of girls, ditched classes, and barely passed most. I met a girl in one of my Computer Classes who was 5 years older than me. She was so much different than all of the other girls I was sleeping with, she had her own place, she had a head on her shoulders, and she was interested in something other than her nails and hair. We flirted, We slept together on the first actual date after a couple of weeks of flirting in class. I moved in about two weeks later. At this point, I told myself that maybe this was a sign that it was time to grow up and settle down. Maybe time to be committed. I thought my Dad would be proud of me for making something out of my life. So I stopped seeing other girls We got pregnant 6 months later. So I started living the parent life, but I never grew up. I was still the 23 year old guy who was into Video Games and Movies. But a parent now. I quit school and my job after the baby was born because my gf wanted to work. I stayed home with baby and it was an amazing experience. The most amazing ever. We live together for two more years, I went back to work when Jacob was 10 months old. We were so different. She was 30, and knew what she wanted, and she was Hispanic. Totally different values system. We argued all the time, but I stuck around because I thought it was the right thing to do. We tried for baby #2 and got pregnant again. So as of 2003, we have two children, 3 years of relationship, and festering dislike for one another. We finally decided that we needed to either make a full commitment to it, or end it. I was terrified of quitting, as I had always walked away from previous relationships at the first sign of trouble. So we got married in April 2004. She had an ulterior motive to it all, which was permanent citizenship, but had fallen in love along the line, and then began despising me because I was so different, and she wanted a typical Hispanic man. By June 2004, we were sleeping in different rooms. In October 2004, I was at a fellow manager’s store to pick up merchandise, and he and I were good friends as he had trained me. He had a new employee, Amy, and she was gorgeous. I was instantly enamored with her. I said hi, and over the course of the next month found more and more reasons to go over to his store to talk to her. One night, we all went out drinking and went back to his place. Me , Ed, Amy, a friend from work Marie, and another girl Claudia. Needless to say, after lots of liquor and games, we ended up playing truth or dare like a bunch of high school kids. That’s when it all went wrong. I won’t get into too many details, but it got extremely physical. No sex, but EVERYTHING else. Amy and I ended up splitting a bottle of Jaeger together and talking. She went to the bathroom, someone dared me to follow her in, and We ended up making out. We spent he next close to hour and a half on Ed’s bed, TALKING about my relationship with my wife. She had feelings for me too, and wanted me to make another attempt at working it out. She walked me out, kissed me goodbye, and that was that. I tried working it out with Rocio and talking to her, but she was unwilling to budge. I told her how I felt yet again, but she was stuck in her ways. I was still talking to Amy, and we got closer. I eventually left my wife and Amy and I got an apartment together. She was everything that I had ever wanted in a woman. Smart, witty, intelligent, outgoing, fun and VERY independent. She was gorgeous, but was more than content to hang out with the guys. She was everything that my wife was NOT. Things went very, VERY well. I had never been so head over heels for a women ever. I bragged to EVERYONE about her. We got pregnant in February 2005. We were so excited as she had always wanted to be a mom. Everything was moving so fast though. I started wondering when it would all fall apart. It was all just too good to be true. Here was the first woman who wanted to be with me for ME. No ulterior motives, no single serving of sex and move on, she was actually into me. I couldn’t believe it. I started worrying that it was all going to fall apart. I was afraid that as soon as I started having to deal with the divorce and the custody issues, it would all go down the drain. And it did get difficult. We argued a lot about how to handle the divorce, how to deal with my ex. Se was constantly having to get on my case to deal with the divorce, and to get it done. She became a bit of a shut in, quit work because she became sickly with the pregnancy. She was so different. She used to be so independent and outgoing, so strong. Now she was at home all the time, sickly and needing cared for. My work was affected, I was performing poorly, I felt like it was all coming down around me. This girl who came into my store a lot starting being flirtatious, and I was back. Then one day I had sex with her in the back of my store. I CHEATED ON MY GIRLFRIEND. I couldn’t believe it. What was worse, was this girl came back to my store the next day, and I did it again. A day or two later the feeling in my stomach was so bad I told her not to come around anymore, but the damage was already done. Here I had cheated on the first girl I had all intentions of spending the rest of my life with. When I told Amy, poo hit the fan and we had a really, really hard time. She decided that she needed to come back to Michigan to be ear her family, and it was my decision if I wanted to follow her. I had a serious decision to make. Did I stay, be near my boys, or did I give u any chance at custody, and move to Michigan to prove I was committed to Amy? I thought about it for about a week, and I came to Michigan. Things were still hard, we didn’t have sex for 9 months, we constantly had to deal with reminders of my unfaithfulness, and she put me through the guilt ringer. Any thing she could do to hurt me or make me feel her pain she did, shy of sleeping with some other guy. She made it as difficult as she possibly could and she admitted it. it was really hard. I used to get sick and puke almost once a week. Then we had our son, and all was bliss for about 4 months. But it got really hard for her again, and she admitted that she just can’t do it. It is not the act that bothers her, but the fact that I was able to come home and be normal for almost two weeks before telling her. That I was always such a flirt. She s doubting any feelings I ever had for her. So she is moving out, and we are going to try to live separately . We are gong to try to be friends and still talk, share time with our son, but I am terrified. She just needs some time she says, to think. She needs some freedom. She hopes that this space will eventually help us heal, and we can get back together. But neither of us knows. Se says she loved me more than anyone she has ever been with. She says she felt the same about me tat I did about her until I cheated. I cannot believe I screwed this all up. I have spent the last year trying to pay for it. But that is not enough. So have no idea what is going to happen. Tomorrow I move the last load of her stuff over to her new place. I have tried to be really good and supportive about all of this, But I am terrified that it will all just fade away….

[dancehead]

I just read all of that. You did mess up this one. I don't know what you wanted to ask, but all i can comment on is it looks like you should have not given up on her and cheated. I just wonder, if she was the love of your life why did you? What exactly did you think it what solve apart from a sexual urge? Or was that it? You should have taken the bad times along with the good. Things don't always stay the same.

[daphne]

I strongly encourage you to seek therapy. It sounds like the feelings the two of you had was rare, and you have blown it. I don't know that she'll ever be able to trust you. You need to heal yourself so you don't do this again because you could lose all over again.