MarriedTard Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Saying it's only an EA is a great way to minimize the affair. I simply can't believe that an EA can last more than a week without some physical consummation taking place. Makes no sense.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Hard to say. But I think it's used as an excuse to minimize the seriousness of the situation more often than not. I think it's possible that nothing physical has transpired if the two people in question have only know each other for a brief time … or if it's one of those silly internet romances and they have never actually met in person. But I think the closer in proximity the two people are, the more familiar they are with each other, and longer the friendship has been going on, the more likely it is that it has crossed more boundaries than the cheating partner wants to admit. Makes no sense. Which is why I personally don't believe in assigning different 'levels' to infidelity. Of course, the definition of what constitutes "cheating" is different for everyone. But if your partner was already aware of where your mutual relationship boundaries were … and crossed them anyway … then it's up to you whether or not you are okay with having them redefined without your blessing.
veronese Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 EA's can remain EA's for an inordinate amount of time - hard to believe but it's true. My H had EAs with at least 3 women: One for 11yrs+, one for going on 4yrs, and one for 16months. The first was with a childhood crush who he'd wanted but couldn't have (back then) The 2nd with a colleague. The 3rd with an ex-lover, the last one before me. I couldn't believe him when he said they hadn't crossed the line (except for holding hands, flirting, suggestive conversations, one snog with the ex-lover). I didn't believe it. It didn't sound credible. He said that just knowing he could 'have' them had he wanted to was enough for him. Like WTF???? I devised a way of getting answers from the OW to either confirm or dispel my fears. I unexpectedly received answers from them that matched my H's version of events, and trust me, the way I obtained those answers ensured almost guaranteed honesty from his women. There's no way I would have given up so much of my time to a MM I had the hots for, who had the hots for me but wasn't getting more affection from. But that's me. Obviously some women are prepared to tolerate different things. It's possible, unlikely but possible. Weird though that sounds veron x
jonesgirly Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 EA's can remain EA's for an inordinate amount of time - hard to believe but it's true. Yeah, what she said. Make NO MISTAKE though.....EA's are just as damaging, probably more so in some cases, as women tend to look for the 'emotional' attachment factor, and men tend to look at the 'physcial' aspect of it. Sometimes I think that it takes a lot MORE effort to have an EA than a PA...Instead of just 'sharing the wood', you're sharing thoughts, feelings, wishes, struggles, etc. Obviously, the intimacy within the primary relationship is divided. Some people find themselves with a never-ending need for attention, adoration, or desirability that an EA fulfills. They justify their deceit with "but we didn't have sex!" (as if thats ALL that matters). DISCLAIMER: NOT ALWAYS the case, just the 'common' factors.
Walking away Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 My xMM told his wife that he was just involved in an intimate EA with me. It was that way to start....but it was also a very physical affair also. I think he denied that part of our relationship to spare her incredible pain. I surmise that the EA almost destroyed her. The physical affair would have completely unraveled her: with good reason. It is a double whammy betrayal. I am sure not all MM lie about the extent of the affair, but mine did. He did it to not only protect himself but to protect her too. WA
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 EA or PA, the damage gets done and trust is lost.
jonesgirly Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I am sure not all MM lie about the extent of the affair, but mine did. He did it to not only protect himself but to protect her too. Make no mistake, walking away, your XMM had absolutely NO INTENT to "protect" his wife from anything. He was merely protecting himself from the 'fallout' of HIS betrayal. After all, if his intent was to 'protect' his wife, he probably wouldn't have been participating in an affair to begin with. I'm glad he's your EX-MM
silktricks Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 A lot of EA's are also long distance, like e-mail or phone relationships. That also allows the MP to base their feelings upon an illusion instead of actually seeing the real person.
BenThereDunThat Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Here's my thing. I think an EA would bother me way more than PI. Like I told my exMM when I ended things. It's one thing if you needed to fulfill a physcial need you weren't getting at home. (I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying). BUT, and this is exactly what I told him, if I found out the man I loved told this woman that he LOVED her? That would just completely devastate me. Call me a hypocrite, call me whatever you want. I just know sexual drive, and while I may not like it, I can understand it. But if my man told some woman that he loved her and that she was a "handprint on his heart", blah, blah, blah. That would just be so much worse to me.
silktricks Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 But if my man told some woman that he loved her and that she was a "handprint on his heart", blah, blah, blah. That would just be so much worse to me. THough I don't think that all EA's talk about a "handprint on his heart" etc, I agree that an EA is very very difficult, in my opinion moreso than a PA that is based purely on sex. My H when he told me about his EA, said "I could never have touched her that way", but it was OK with him at the time to share time, thoughts, and words of love - and think that was OK, pretty much because he was pissed off at me. (I'm not saying his pissed offness wasn't without cause, because it was). But.... oh ****, I don't even know what the but is right now. Any way, I agree with you. An EA is a righteous b*tch to get over.
Walking away Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Make no mistake, walking away, your XMM had absolutely NO INTENT to "protect" his wife from anything. He was merely protecting himself from the 'fallout' of HIS betrayal. After all, if his intent was to 'protect' his wife, he probably wouldn't have been participating in an affair to begin with. I'm glad he's your EX-MM Point well taken. You are absolutely right. And, yes, he is DEFINITELY my xMM.
newbby Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 THough I don't think that all EA's talk about a "handprint on his heart" etc, I agree that an EA is very very difficult, in my opinion moreso than a PA that is based purely on sex. My H when he told me about his EA, said "I could never have touched her that way", but it was OK with him at the time to share time, thoughts, and words of love - and think that was OK, pretty much because he was pissed off at me. (I'm not saying his pissed offness wasn't without cause, because it was). But.... oh ****, I don't even know what the but is right now. Any way, I agree with you. An EA is a righteous b*tch to get over. i dont know if this will make you feel any better, but i think the basis is much the same. it is about getting an ego boost. some men get an ego boost from knowing they are wanted, others from knowing they can have someone else, others from knowing they can physically please someone else. i dont think an ea is neccessarily more emotional, despite its name.
silktricks Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 i dont know if this will make you feel any better, but i think the basis is much the same. it is about getting an ego boost. some men get an ego boost from knowing they are wanted, others from knowing they can have someone else, others from knowing they can physically please someone else. i dont think an ea is neccessarily more emotional, despite its name. Thanks, newbby, that's nice of you. I also agree. I don't think an EA is necessarily more emotional. My H laughed when I told him that what he did was referred to as an emotional affair. He said people could call it whatever they wanted, but that his emotions were never involved. I don't think it's just the MM that getting the ego boost either. The OW who is involved is getting just as much of an ego boost as the guy - at least until it's over. Then I think it depends on the person. I think some men are pretty destroyed over what they did, just like some women are.
newbby Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I don't think it's just the MM that getting the ego boost either. The OW who is involved is getting just as much of an ego boost as the guy well i think it all depends on the type of a, type of mm, type of ow, but yes most relationships begin with the ego, feeling wanted, desired, loved. this is true for all relationships, i dont care what anybody says, but i can say that in my case, although mm initially made me feel good again, it was about the way he played it and definetly not because of his status. i dont know if thats what you meant, but i think its a common misconception that ow get off on the fact that someone is willing to risk his marriage for them. i am sure it happens, but it doesnt always happen. i think the predator type of mm, are especially charming and know how to play the game to get what they want.
TheSilentType Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I am sure not all MM lie about the extent of the affair, but mine did. He did it to not only protect himself but to protect her too. WA How noble of your MM to protect his wife from pain! Such as considerate man Call me cynical, but I can't stand hearing these comments about trying to protect the spouse from finding out. Affairs are purely selfish, and everything the cheater does it to protect what he/she already has and to maintain the fantasy. Once you've started an affair, you've truly abandoned a majority of your consideration for your spouse, if not all. Trying to "spare" your spouse or "protect" them from the betrayal is such a rationalization to ensure that you don't have to face the consequences.
beach Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 The EA is indeed easy to justify as "not cheating." Still VERY hurtful to a marriage. I am friends with a MM and have remained friends with him for 8 years. I know he would want me to be physical with him and he corresponds with me "differently" than his other friends - and even his wife. Would I allow him to cross the line? NO WAY! Do I enjoy his humor and very bright mind? YES! In the old days we called a person like this our friend. He is my friend... I know he will love me until the day he dies... he has told me this. Doesn't mean that I would intrude on his marital vows. Probably why we are still very close friends... His correspondence with me fills the void he cannot obtain with his wife of 30 years... it's okay, she is very sweet and I like her too. It's nice to understand that someone would do anything for you at any time... just because they ARE your friend. Sometimes especially when there is a clear understanding that you would never have sex with them... they love you for who you truly are, not for what they can get from you...
Author MarriedTard Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 I suspect that many people who take comfort in the fact that their spouse only had an EA should realize that a PA probably happened if they had physical access to each other. I'm amazed at how people will accept that someone could have had an EA that lasts for months. I'm not saying it can't happen, but I'd bet that it's the exception, not the rule by any stretch.
silktricks Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 I suspect that many people who take comfort in the fact that their spouse only had an EA should realize that a PA probably happened if they had physical access to each other. I'm amazed at how people will accept that someone could have had an EA that lasts for months. I'm not saying it can't happen, but I'd bet that it's the exception, not the rule by any stretch. I actually think you are wrong - but largely it depends on the definition of EA. If the EA is talking (or writing or whatever) about physical expression, then I would agree with you. However, that is not the case in many EA's. Rather the EA is communication of personal details and/or emotions that should best be shared with only one's spouse. Sometimes, as well, an EA is viewed as OK by the WS simply because it is not physical. They figure "I'm not really doing anthing wrong" and that just isn't true. They are still hurting their spouse and their marriage.
Jennifer26 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 My husband had a EA about a year ago. I've had a hard time believing that it also wasn't a PA. He denies that there was even a EA. They were "just friends" and he was very resentful when I said I would like for him to stop hanging out with her. The "friendship" lasted about two months. They were in the same class at college and were doing a paper together. They were grabbing lunch together (he paid most of the time), going on their smoke breaks together, sending emails, text messages. They went out to eat a couple of times, they went out twice for drinks (and to study) twice after he got off work, with no phonecall to me. And before I put my foot down to the friendship, he talked about her all the time. I even found out from a male relative of mine that he had been talking about her to him, and apparently noted on how skimpy her clothes were. About a month ago, he being very drunk, stated that she had made passes at him. I became very upset after hearing this, because he defended the friendship to no end, and became bitter towards me for asking him to not see her anymore. And after he agreed to stop seeing her, he met up with her twice that I know of, and didn't tell me. Two days of arguing, he says he made up the story about her making passes at him, but I don't believe it. And I don't believe she was the only one either. I still haven't moved past it. I wonder what more took place, I am bitter that he won't admit his conduct was inappropriate. I have to say, the EA he had hurts a lot more than I ever imagined a EA could.
silktricks Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 J26, my husband had an EA that lasted about a year. It's been over about 2 1/2 years now, and it took me a good SOLID two years to get past it - and that was with him in full and abject apology mode for the entire two years. If your husband is denying that he did anything wrong, it makes it almost impossible to recover, it's like being slapped and then having the slapper say they didn't do anything. I really feel for you. Can you get him to go to MC with you?
jonesgirly Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 that was with him in full and abject apology mode A man with a clue - how refreshing..........how I wish mine would've seen reality........
Jennifer26 Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 J26, my husband had an EA that lasted about a year. It's been over about 2 1/2 years now, and it took me a good SOLID two years to get past it - and that was with him in full and abject apology mode for the entire two years. If your husband is denying that he did anything wrong, it makes it almost impossible to recover, it's like being slapped and then having the slapper say they didn't do anything. I really feel for you. Can you get him to go to MC with you?We did begin marriage counseling recently. He is against it though, he feels it won't help anything. You're absolutely right. I know he that he had an emotional affair, I am still with him and trying to work out our problems. But him not admitting what he did was wrong, and making it MY problem, really just adds insult to injury. If I atleast felt that he was sorry for it, and wanted to ensure it didn't happen again, I could begin to forgive him. There have been other issues as well, one of the biggest being his pornography addiction. He again makes it to my problem. I'm just being insecure and so on. I've considered a seperation, I even filled out the papers. I guess I am hoping maybe the MC will get through to him.
jonesgirly Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 WOW.....he sounds like a really insensitive person.
jonesgirly Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 Wait a minute - are you married to MY husband?
Jennifer26 Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 WOW.....he sounds like a really insensitive person. He can be very insensitive. Wait a minute - are you married to MY husband?
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