how to be strong & stick to NC

[InaPanic]

My situation is one of infidelity I'm afraid. The relationship with the OM has been on a downward spiral & we had decided to cool things off, sort of a 'break'. Today I decided I can't live in limbo so I sent him an email explaining myself & asked for no contact. As soon as I sent it I felt sick inside. I am still completely obsessed with this person but I know I cannot go on living like I have been. My life has been hell over him. But can NC work if the person asking for it feels weak as I do? I honestly think he will stick to it but I am afraid I am going to break down & call him or email or text him again. I want to be strong but I feel so weak. I hoped sending the email would give me strength but I can already feel the desire to talk to him, to hear his voice. Any advice how I can make myself stick this out. Any thoughts on how long until this gets easier? Do I need to just make it through the next couple days & it will get easier or am I still going to feel like this a month from now? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[dancehead]

It gets better with time. You haven't said why its on a downward spiral? It can't be that bad if you are missing him so much?

 

Whats the background and why did you stray from your bf/husband? What keeps you from leaving him and going with the OM?

[InaPanic]

The downward spiral began after we spent two weekends together. I came home & lost it. I think the guilt of trying to keep two relationships going was too much & I turned into a clingy, needy psycho. Not the person I am or that he fell for. The clingier I became the more he pulled away. I missing him severly but I think it's because he's more of an addiction than a love honestly. I think I still crave the love & excitement I used to get from him but for the past month it's all been pain.

I'm not sure why I strayed from my husband, midlife crisis perhaps. I need to concentrate on my husband & family. I seriously considered leaving my husband for him. But the more I seemed ready to do that the more he seemed frightened by my irrational behavior. And it is irrational. I can't leave my family & go through that.

I just am having the hardest time not hearing from him. I miss him terribly & don't even know why. I miss what he used to give me I guess.

[dancehead]

Thats the trouble with affairs babe, they can be so exciting, naughty, and buzzing from being risky and wrong. Even though you know its wrong its hard to say no. I've seen both sides, I've been the OM and I've had the OW. I remember feeling like it was the end of the world when the OW left me, like she was the only thing keeping my relationship going by providing the missing stuff and now I have to face the reality of probably breaking up.

 

You probably crave all those feelings excitement risk etc etc and its probably infactuation not love.

 

I'd say the old thing, break off with the OM and fix things with your husband, or at least try to work out what drove you to cheat.

[InaPanic]

dancehead, you seem to have had the same problem as me. Even though I sent the NC email I only did it because it seemed inevitable. He was slowly breaking away from me & slowly breaking my heart instead of just a quick clean break. I think everyone automatically thinks it's the OM or OW that ends up heartbroken because the married lover won't leave. It's not always that way. Your reality of breaking up is it with the OW or your wife? Did this just happen?

I do feel like it's infatuation....addiction...obsession...but it sure as hell comes across feeling like love. And it hurts like hell.

I do need to work things out with husband but it's hard when OM is constantly on my mind. What kills me is I imagine he is doing just fine.

[dancehead]

Well I am not married its my gf. Its a very complicated story. And I am trying to fix things. I don't feel I have given it a proper chance all the while when I was seeing the OW who also happens to be an old 'FWB' that I really wanted a relationship with but never did. It didn't just happen but its only about 3 months ago so I can still remember what it felt like. I didn't realise how the OW was providing what I didn't have from my gf and when it was over it was a big shock quite apart from me being gutted that she had found someone else. It was a triple wammy.

 

I can also see it from your point of view because I have had a big insight into her life almost suffered her pain with her from when she was seeing a married man (also an ex) I have seen a married woman years ago while I was single and I see now why she had to end it because I was getting too clingy.

 

Its not easy, damn I wish we could pm on here....

[AriaIncognito]

Well, I have been NC for almost 2 months now. It does get easier. It gets to the point where you don't think about contacting them every other second. I felt really weak for a long time, but eventually, you'll feel stronger. You wont feel stronger, however, if you reinitiate contact when you're not ready to handle the consequences of that contact. So be careful either way...

 

Jennifer

[norajane]

I do feel like it's infatuation....addiction...obsession...but it sure as hell comes across feeling like love. And it hurts like hell.

I do need to work things out with husband but it's hard when OM is constantly on my mind. What kills me is I imagine he is doing just fine.

 

It's fantasy, sweets. You feel the loss of the attention as well as your fantasy.

 

The thing is, if you had somehow waved a magic wand and were with your OM and there was no H, you'd soon realize that he wasn't all that. You'd see him in ordinary life situations, he'd get on your nerves with the way he flosses his teeth, you'd be there for every burp and fart, you'd see that he doesn't pay his bills on time or that he's not supportive when you're sad or upset, and you'd see him when he wasn't all about charming the pants off you.

 

Right now, you've ended it while the fantasy was still alive and glowing in your mind, that's why it's eating you alive. It will get better once you get a grip on the difference between what you imagined you could have with this guy, and what the reality would have been like.

[Winfield]

How to be strong and stick to NC?

 

For a start, delete your ex's phone number(s), old saved voice messages, old saved text messages, e-mail address, old saved e-mails, MySpace (aka: sadvirtualfriendland.com), etc...

 

...and don't contact them again! No way of contact = no communication!

 

Simple!

 

Tip - thinking about your ex for a while is inevitable, but it does (and will) pass...and a damn lot sooner if you follow the "delete" list mentioned above...

 

Less time spent thinking about your ex = more time spent with the one you're destined to be with!

 

Harsh advice? Some may think so, but it's for the best in the long run.

[InaPanic]

It's 8:30am & it hasn't even been 24 hours since I sent the NC email but I am already up & looking to see if he sent me an email. I want to get past this but I am still craving him. I want him to want me again. I know that sounds so pathetic but it's how I feel right now. When I think about how he said he'd wait for me forever & he wanted to me to be his wife, etc., etc. I wish I could get all the nice things he said out of my head & think about how the past month he has said some cold, cruel things.

dancehead, i wish we could PM here too. I immediatly thought about that with you. Or exchange emails. I could use a buddy right now who has been through this. Right now my husband is lying in bed sleeping & I'm just wanting to cry my eyes out.

norajane, i do realize it's a fantasy but I don't want to believe that if that makes any sense. I guess it's because i really don't want to let go yet. It's hard to let go when you don't feel 100% ready or commited. He has horrible faults that I didn't see in the beginning but in the last month I have seen many. I know in my head that if I left my husband & went to him (not that he wants me to do that now) that I would probably very, very quickly regret seriously what I had done. I know that but still I want him in my life. As I said earlier I think a lot of it is wanting him to want me desperately like he used to.

Winfield,.....i'm having a hard time deleting old emails. I know I need to do it. That & pictures. I haven't looked at them in days because when I do it is crushing. I know it's risky having them on my computer. But when I think about deleting it all it makes it seem like it never happened. I guess that's how I should want to feel. I have always had a hard time of letting go of the past. He had also sent me little presents, notes, etc. in the mail. I want to gather all of it up & ship it back to him. Does this seem like a good idea? I want him to see it & hurt.

[Winfield]

Winfield,.....i'm having a hard time deleting old emails. I know I need to do it. That & pictures. I haven't looked at them in days because when I do it is crushing. I know it's risky having them on my computer. But when I think about deleting it all it makes it seem like it never happened. I guess that's how I should want to feel. I have always had a hard time of letting go of the past.

 

Well, why keep what's hurting you (ie, e-mails and photos)? You're only punishing yourself by doing this...

 

You know for yourself that something did happen, but "did" is the past tense - now, it's time to look for something which "will" happen (future tense ).

 

When a break up happens, I think it's best to get rid of as much of the stuff an "ex" gave you as soon as possible. Difficult? Well, yes, initially it is (some may find "thinking in the past" as being comforting, but let's face it, it's not going to do you any favours in finding a future partner), but in moving on, there's no time like *now* to make a change...besides, you'll have to end up letting go one day...

 

Do yourself a favour - because the longer you leave it, the harder it will get. Good luck!

[InaPanic]

I have nothing new to add but I had to come here because I feel so weak right now. I know I sent him the NC email but I was hoping I guess for him to send me one back.....I guess hoping he'd come begging for a second chance. I knew that wasn't going to happen but I want to ask him if he's even read my email. I'm just dying inside. I am crying or wanting to cry constantly & no matter what I do it just makes me think of him. Because of my situation where he is the OM & my H is around this is very, very difficult & very touchy situation. How am I going to get through this when I feel such a strong NEED for the OM in my life. I have to be strong. Someone tell me after a few days this will get easier, please.

[norajane]

Have you ever done any kind of meditation or yoga? There are breathing exercises than can help you empty your mind and focus your thoughts solely on your breathing. Even 10 minutes can bring you a calmer mind.

 

There are also meditation techniques that can help you let go. One that I recall is to imagine each separate thought (about OM) as a helium balloon on a string. Gather each thought/balloon into your hands one by one, and then slowly let each one drift into the air and watch each one float away, one by one. Or you can gather them and let them all go at once. It might sound silly, but the imagery and the focus really can help you let go.

 

You are holding onto your thoughts, even though they are hurting you. You can let them go, but you have to CHOOSE to do so and then do it. For you, a good start would be with the pictures and emails. Those are tangible balloons for you to let go...

[InaPanic]

I have tried breathing exercises for thought stopping reasons. I haven't had much luck with that. I've tried imagery of putting my problems (OM) in a container & sealing it up & putting it on a shelf & walking away. I read of that one online. Hasn't helped. The problem is within me as is the solution. I am in such a bad way right now, so obsessed, that trying to focus on anything else other than what I did & the OM is almost impossible. I have moments of feeling strong but mainly moments of wanting to cave. I want to contact him so badly to ask if he read my email?? What's the point of that? It's because i left an opening in the NC email that said something to the effect if he wanted to respond to the email he could do that but afterwards no emails or phone calls. He probably just thinks f**k it & isn't responding. And honestly, I did want a response from him. Maybe I wasn't in the right frame of mind to send a NC email if that was what I was wanting. I've only made it one day & it was hard as hell. It's been 1 day & 1 hour since I sent it. How am I going to make it through 3 or 4 days? I feel like I am in hell.

[norajane]

How about transferring that energy to your H? Imagine your H going onto your computer and accidentally finding those emails and pictures. Imagine his initial puzzlement, and then the dawning awareness of what he's looking at. Imagine the emotions crossing his face, and the sinking in his stomach. Write down how you think he would feel, all the things he would want to say to you, all the questions he would ask, all the things you would say to him, all the possible outcomes...write it out, write a poem of all the feelings HE would feel and how he would describe them to you, or how he HAS been feeling during the last few months...

 

Suspicion

is that halting, vaguely uneasy feeling,

a qualm not so easily dismissed

from your mind.

 

Hurt

is that sick to your stomach feeling,

a tight knot or heavy weight,

low inside.

 

Disappointment

is that "F*ck! I thought better of you" feeling,

a swift sinking of hope

into your knees.

 

Intimacy

is that "No one sees me like you do" feeling,

an undefended bareness revealed

within a safe haven.

 

Betrayal

is that chill down your spine feeling,

an inexorable wave descending

from head to ass.

 

Love

is that "I would spare you from this" feeling,

an open warmth that guides

your words and deeds.

 

Regret

is that dull, achy all over feeling,

a wish that things hadn't turned out

quite as they did.

 

Bitter

is that dawning recognition that my feelings

are incomprehensible to you

without a list.

 

Put some effort in your H, sweets. He deserves your thoughts more than your OM does!!

 

Think back to when you and your H met and write down how you felt. The fluttery feeling when he looked into your eyes, and how you melted when he kissed you and said you were beautiful. Think back to how you felt when he held your hand, or when you were out somewhere special, or when he first told you he loved you. Think about how you felt when he proposed and think back to your honeymoon...

 

Think about this man who is in your life, just yearning for the attention you are throwing away on someone who was in your life for 5 minutes...

 

Point being, when you think of OM, replace those thoughts with something else equally compelling...like your marriage and your H. Think about losing your H and never, ever, ever having him in your life again...

[dancehead]

In a panic, I have just subscribed to the site so I can have PM functions. Its only $2.50 for a month so I thought it was worth that to try to help you. You could subscribe too.

[InaPanic]

In a panic, I have just subscribed to the site so I can have PM functions. Its only $2.50 for a month so I thought it was worth that to try to help you. You could subscribe too.

 

I just did it dancehead, thank you so much. I do obviously need help & I appreciate it so much. I tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me.

[InaPanic]

wow, norajane, you made some amazing points. I have actually tried to think out in my head my H getting angry & hurt, angry enough to pack a bag & walk out the door. The strange thing is I cannot even hardly imagine it. I think I have had him, strong & by my side, for so many years that I cannot even IMAGINE him not in my life. I do honestly feel if he left me I would be completely devesated. I think if I did have OM & was with him, it wouldn't take any time before I figured out he wasn't half the man my H was. Point: one day a few weeks ago it was extremely hot here & where OM lives. OM called on his way home from work in a horrid mood. He's lazy i've discovered & his job allows him to be that way most of the time (he works on computers). This particular day he actually had to work until like 3pm-shock!-and he actually had to work. He was complaining of how hot & tired he was, blah blah blah. And then he stated 'im not going to feel like talking when i get home''. I asked why & he said in an almost yell, 'because i told you i was hot & tired & I just want to lay down & relax & not have a phone stuck at my ear'. Very very whiny. My husband that same day had left the house at 8am to help friends MOVE. Moving furniture in the 98 degree weather. After that he went to work, we own our own business. He felt bad from the heat & had to leave early & come home, all of this about the same time as OM. But, when H comes home he is loving & lays down on the bed, calls me in & wants to hold me & check on me. He's not groucy or hateful in the least. And he actually WORKED in the heat. This is just one example of the differences between them. That's why I cannot understand my infatuation. Except i do believe it stems from wanting him the way he was in the beginning, feeling a deep need to go back to that.

Sorry this is long.

[norajane]

I just read through your first post on this site, of Aug. 3rd - your affair barely lasted two months, and you only met him twice?! You're ready to chuck your marriage for that?

 

i am a married woman of 18 years with two children. prior to meeting my boyfriend online i had always felt i was happily married. but now i am doubting everything that i felt safe in before.

 

we met online

 

he moved very fast. within 2 weeks he was saying he loved me & had never felt anything like this before. he said he wanted to be with me as a couple (married) & had the patients & would wait as long as i needed. he said he would leave his town (we are approx. 8 hours apart) & move here to be with me.

 

after about 7 weeks of talking we met. i didn't want it to be sexual the first time we met & i tried but in a rushed, last minute before he left his room we did have sex. it was not earth shattering & i was upset & crying.

 

we met up again just a few days later. this gave us 2 nights & 3 days together. it was wonderful. the intimacy was much better this time & i knew once sex became involved i would be more emotionally attatched. little did i know how much. during this weekend, i told him i loved him.

 

once i got home that evening i fell apart. i couldn't talk to him until the next morning & at that point he was still asleep & wanted to know if i could call him back. i flipped out because i was hysterical & hadn't slept all night thinking of him. i couldn't believe he could sleep!

 

i was out of my mind for the next 5 days off & on. all we did was argue.

 

i suddenly became very aggresive about us being together which in turn seemed to cause him to want us to slow things down.

the more he pulled back the more i wanted him. he was always the one chasing me & now it seems the roles have been reversed.

 

it's now been 17 days since our weekend together. i am a nut case. i am on prozac & seriously think he has become an addiction to me. i feel like my feelings for my husband have shifted. the sex which was always good has no feeling to me anymore. i am a zombie & i'm not good for my children right now. every waking moment i think of the boyfriend.

 

So, 7 weeks of phone calls and two meetings, and now you are on Prozac, having a nervous breakdown, and destroying your marriage. Why?

 

i do believe it stems from wanting him the way he was in the beginning, feeling a deep need to go back to that.

The beginning? What beginning? The phone calls and all the promises of how much he loved you and wanted to be with you when he had never even met you? Is that the beginning you're talking about? And you really doubt that all he wanted was to get into your pants?

 

I'm sorry, sweets, but you sound very naive! How you could even believe him for a second is beyond me. And you compare that to 18 years of marriage with a man, whom you yourself say, has been a wonderful husband and you were happy.

 

Frankly, it sounds to me like had your head turned by an internet player, a man who backed away from you the second you tried to turn his promises into a reality. Hopefully, he'll have learned a lesson about wooing married women over the internet. He probably thought you were safe because you were married and wouldn't leave your husband. Just looking for a little fun on the side. Forget this OM. He has already forgotten you and is sighing in relief that this is over.

 

I don't know. Perhaps you do need your husband to leave you before you want him again. Maybe you need to feel the desperation of trying to win him back in order to truly cherish him.

 

Instead, I would suggest you get a grip and don't turn this into a drama that will ultimately destroy your marriage and your life.

[InaPanic]

norajean, it lasted 3 months of which 2 were wonderful & the last was horrible. My husband & I only dated for 4 months before he proposed, sometimes you feel like love happens quickly. I did give thought to leaving for OM, but not until after our second visit & at that point is when I feel like I lost all control & began feeling addicted. The more he pulled away, the more I wanted him for some reason. Only then did I give thought that I HAD to be with him. Yes I know it sounds insane, I've admitted that.

 

I know you are only trying to be helpful but calling me naive & saying he was only trying to get into my pants is extremely hurtful. I may be naive but I have been flirted with & never felt compelled to stray, ever in 18 years, until this time. He & I connected in a way that had me entranced from the beginning. I still do not believe he was just trying to have sex. For heavens sake, he's 8 hours away from me, he's a young attractive guy who lives in a big city where I'm sure he could have easily found someone to have sex with. Plus if that's all he wanted it took him 2 months to get it, that's a long time to wait if you are only in it for sex. I honestly do not believe that's it at all. To say someone I am hurting over is 'sighing in relief this is over' is hurtful. I don't know whether it's true or not but it's cruel to say to someone who still has feelings.

 

I don't want to lose my husband & break up my family. That is why I am trying to have NC with OM. I am trying. I know I should be thankful. I am sure I am not the only person out there who has had an A on someone who didn't deserve it. No one deserves it. The guilt I have is eating me up inside & is one reason I am on prozac to try to deal with everything. I am not ashamed I am on this medication as it can help me possibly.

 

My goal on this thread is to get support to keep from contacting OM. I don't care how long or short the A was it was real to me & it has left me broken. It doesn't matter if we had sex once or 100 times, i cheated & that is something I have to live with. But I am trying to work through my unexplainable need for this man. It is irrational & I am being irrational.

[norajane]

I understand, sweets, but if you don't start de-idealizing this man and your relationship with him one way or another, you are not going to get over him.

[InaPanic]

I understand, sweets, but if you don't start de-idealizing this man and your relationship with him one way or another, you are not going to get over him.

 

 

I know, I know. He couldn't have been more perfect the first two months & we talked/IM'd hours a day (i'm not kidding in saying that we probably talked on the phone 6 to 8 hours every day & IM'd 2 to 3 every night). So for two solid months he was a huge part of my day, every day. That, to me, is how he became an addiction. Our lives were consumed in each other. So I am now trying to see him for how he has been the past month & not the things he said & did in the beginning. It is hard because I want to hold on & think about constantly the good stuff & think 'what happened' & 'how did it all change'. But I do have to start seeing him as he is & realizing I ain't missin' out on anything. He isnt' really all that special. And honestly, he isn't. Yeah, he's much younger than my H but he hasn't got him beat in any way.

[InaPanic]

I'm hating myself right now. Hating me. I initiated contact yesterday. Not by phone or email but by PM. There is a music website i go to, it's where I actually met OM, you can log on & stay on it. In there they have a main 'chat' & then you can click on someones name & send them a PM. I guess I have been staying logged on to ....hell, spy on him I suppose. Not really spying because he's not doing anything wrong like flirting or anything but it's like it keeps me having this little bit of contact. I hadnt' heard a thing from him since I had sent the email on the 18th & it was driving me mad wondering if he had read it so I kept fighting with myself & fighting & then finally I sent the PM asking if he'd read it. He hadn't & said he would then.....of course that led to about 30 minutes of private PM'ing. Why did I do that? It didn't change anything, it only made me look weak by saying I wanted NC & then chatting with him. I have no self esteem right now,none or I wouldn't have done it. I am STILL logged onto the sight & he's on there right now. And I'm sitting here thinking 'why isn't he trying to PM me or talk to me'. WTF? How can I get myself in the right frame of mind. I know I have to log off that website.......

[Winfield]

I'm hating myself right now. Hating me. I initiated contact yesterday. Not by phone or email but by PM. There is a music website i go to, it's where I actually met OM, you can log on & stay on it. In there they have a main 'chat' & then you can click on someones name & send them a PM. I guess I have been staying logged on to ....hell, spy on him I suppose. Not really spying because he's not doing anything wrong like flirting or anything but it's like it keeps me having this little bit of contact. I hadnt' heard a thing from him since I had sent the email on the 18th & it was driving me mad wondering if he had read it so I kept fighting with myself & fighting & then finally I sent the PM asking if he'd read it. He hadn't & said he would then.....of course that led to about 30 minutes of private PM'ing. Why did I do that? It didn't change anything, it only made me look weak by saying I wanted NC & then chatting with him. I have no self esteem right now,none or I wouldn't have done it. I am STILL logged onto the sight & he's on there right now. And I'm sitting here thinking 'why isn't he trying to PM me or talk to me'. WTF? How can I get myself in the right frame of mind. I know I have to log off that website.......

 

norajane was right:

 

Instead, I would suggest you get a grip and don't turn this into a drama that will ultimately destroy your marriage and your life.

 

You're obsessed with an idea here, and it's not healthy. People here have tried to give you advise, but at the end of the day, only you can make a decision.

 

Reality check (it has to be said, excuse my being blunt) - you're not a teenager, so stop acting like one. Get with the real world and GROW UP!

[InaPanic]

winfield, i don't know that i think i'm acting like a teenager. I'm acting like someone who is hurting & confused about her life at this point. Struggling to get over someone & trying to figure out if she's still in love with her husband.

I married very young & I know that might make me naive. But this pain I am feeling is very real to me regardless. I haven't even made it one day with NC from OM so it's still fresh to me. I wish I had to ability to just 'grow up' if that's all it is.