respect_urself Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 So I have been dating this woman for about 2 months now. It is really casual, but I think that we have more intense feelings than we are willing to admit. Anyways, I haven't wanted to be in a relationship with anyone for a while because everytime I get to that point my head starts fu*king with me. I feel like I am 5 and 13 all at the same time! Tonight for example: Last week, I got back from out of town and wanted to see her. We finally ended up meeting on Friday night. She was just gettin over a cold, and while I was afraid to see her because I didn't want to get sick, I invited her over and made her soup and gave her a bunch of presents I brought back from my trip. Well, I did get sick! And have been sick in bed all week. Today I feel a little better. Sunday, before I got ill, we made plans to see each other tonight, since she is going out of town for 2 weeks tomorrow. Well, she called me today and asked me if she could come over. I said I felt sick and that I wouldn't be so much fun, and that I was afraid I would give her a cold again. But deep down inside I did want to see her. Anyways, she called me back about a half hour later, telling me that she would really like to come over, but she would rather not, considering she is traveling and going on vacation and would not like to get sick again. So a perfectly legitimate reason for her to stay away, but I am still kinda salty. I know it does not make sense, but it still bothers me. I am trying to have a mature relationship, where these kinds of things can occur without the other party being upset. So I said ok, didn't give her a guilt trip, said good bye and just hung up the phone. I am feeling sorta disappointed and let down by the whole situation. I wish that I could take this kind of thing well and not even be a tiny bit upset. But I am.... I know am just tripping. How can I stop this? I want to be more understanding and accomodating, but do it from the bottom of my heart and not just from the reasoning in my head. I want to learn how to not take things personally, and allow the other person to have their freedoms without being needy. I know I already try really hard to do it, but I want to not try, I want it just to happen naturally.
norajane Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 If it doesn't come naturally, then you have to teach yourself...as you've been doing. Like anything else, practice makes perfect. Eventually, it will be come effortless. Good luck, and I applaud you for making the effort to recognize when 'you're tripping' and stopping yourself in time to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Author respect_urself Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 Thank you norajane, I needed to hear that. I still don't like the way this feels though. I feel like a selfish little child. This kind of sh*t ***cs with me in my relationships all the time. Its kinda the reason why I like to keep things "casual" because the more intense things get, the harder it is to keep my cool. What do you usually do in these situations? Am I just crazy?
norajane Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 No, you're not crazy. Our past experiences, or even seeing other people's relationships, can make us wary and we go into self-preservation mode. Sometimes pushing people away by questioning them or keeping things casual or getting nuts about small things or failing to give them the benefit of the doubt can be a fear of intimacy or insecurity thing...if we don't let them get too close, they can't hurt us. What do I do? Sometimes I let it go and tell myself I'll deal with it when/if it happens again...denial is sometimes underated as a coping mechanism. Other times, I know I'm being insecure and will tell myself so and suck it up. And sometimes I deal with it by talking to the person about it...just making sure not to do it in a way that backs them into a corner or is critical or in anger. To be honest, though, the one thing that always helps me take a closer look at the issue is to consider "what would Mary think?" Mary is a friend for whom this does come naturally - she's one of the best people I know and goes through life with a grace I envy no matter what's going on. She just thinks the best of people, especially those close to her. I can't explain it...but she's a hero of mine. Anyway, if I try to imagine how she would react or how she'd see it, it really help me see things from a different perspective. Usually, if I can see a different perspective, I can see that there at least is a doubt, and therefore can more easily give someone the benefit of that doubt. I really think the trick is to recognize it when I start freaking out, and recognize it before I act on my neuroses.
insomnie Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Until very recently I used to also be VERY neurotic in my relationship. I would throw myself into a RAGE when my boyfriend disappointed me in any way. For example, if we had plans for a Friday night, and he bailed for any reason....I would either explode on him or resent him for days, just because things didn't work out according to my plan and I didn't get the bonding time I had so been looking forward to. After we broke up (and got back together) I realized I was making both of us miserable with my unrealistic expectations for our relationship, and that to be happy with him (or anyone else) I would HAVE to chill out. So my advice is, try not to focus so much on the disappointments. Realize they will happen no matter who you are with, and that you cannot always get your way, and sometimes these disappointments aren't really anyone's fault. (Even you said that you realized you were being irrational, as she was going on vacation the next day.) Focus on the bright side...how good she makes you feel, the times you spend together that you both enjoy, the little things she does to make you feel appreciated. And let the disappointments slide, especially when you know she isn't really at fault, or at least not at fault enough for you to resent her for it or to get angry. Another mindset that helped me deal with things like this was thinking about life as more infinite, instead of just focusing on the upcoming weekend or week or month in which I *wouldn't* be getting something I wanted from my relationship (like a lot of quality time togehter, if he was busy, fr example). If you view time as infinite, you will realize that the two of you will have countless other opportunities to spend time together, visit each other in illness, etc., should you choose to stay together. And then the disappointments matter less, because you know that sometime in the future things WILL go your way. Just my 2 cents. Sorry if I'm way off.
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