digger Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Its been a while but I havent gone away. I'll keep the question short, for ashort response, but it still bugs me to death: How can someone say, "i love you"...."i really respect you"...hug them on the couch...blow them kisses when backing out to go to work...all 2 short weeks before divorce papers come, and then NOT call, write, utter a word in 2 1/2 years after that day. WHAT is it? How do you change that suddenly? Are you afraid to face the other after doing something like that to them? how DO YOU GO FROM LOVING TO A FIRST CLASS B**** THAT QUICK? aND WHY?
dgiirl Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Sometimes, there's just no satisfactory answers. We just have to move on and actively focus on our lives and how to make the best of it. Whenever you find yourself dwelling on her, you have to actively refocus your thoughts. I use to mutter a mantra every time I found myself doing it. "He is my past, NOT my future". It helped a lot. I still find myself thinking too much about him, so recently I'm working on forgiveness (check out my thread on it, some very wise people posted in it). You have to let the anger and resentment go. Are you happy with yourself when you think about her? Remember, you are in control of your happiness. You can control if something makes you happy or sad. She's not in your life making you miserable, you're the one doing it. Dont you think it's time to stop?
alphamale Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 How do you change that suddenly? Are you afraid to face the other after doing something like that to them? how DO YOU GO FROM LOVING TO A FIRST CLASS B**** THAT QUICK? aND WHY? When strong emotions come into play most people are capable of doing anything at anytime.
stoopid_guy Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 How can someone say, "i love you"...."i really respect you"...hug them on the couch...blow them kisses when backing out to go to work... I think such words/actions become habit, we can say them even if they're not coming from the heart. Also totally agree with dgiirl's response. Just time to move on and stop dwelling on it...
Mz. Pixie Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Digger, What's really sad is that I've been on LS probably a year or more and you're still not over her moving on. You're ruining your life over this woman- when we have all tried to give you good advice concerning the situation. Are you getting counseling??
jonesgirly Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 How can someone say, "i love you"...."i really respect you"...hug them on the couch...blow them kisses when backing out to go to work...all 2 short weeks before divorce papers come, and then NOT call, write, utter a word in 2 1/2 years after that day. sociopath Move on. Live well, and prosper.
Guest Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 How do you let go... Its been almost two months since he has moved out, I feel so empty.... I dont know what I am suppose to do, what to say, where to go.... Its like I am lost without him, I hate that feeling, its like a knife cutting my heart in two... Ive been married to this man for almost 10 years, we have struggled with communication, not so much on my part more on his..(he's actually a quiet guy) He rarely complained, except if there was no coffee, cream, and sugar. I did most of the complaining, he never wanted to do anything with me, talk with me--he made me feel stupid, he had more time for his friends or co-workers then me... When it came to money, he made good money, but we really never put our money together, it was like we were more like room mates, he paid a certain amount each week, it never equaled to half, I always felt I was paying more of the bills.. Honestly this man made me feel more like his mother then his wife... His friends would say he had it made being with me, a nice home, bills paid, food to eat, clean clothes, no responsibilities.... I have three kids and honestly he rarely played a role in their lives, he has his own kids but honestly he rarely played a role in their lives either... This past year his kids camed to live with us, things started to change fast.. I had more responsibilites, more bills, more anger towards him, I felt alone more and more each day... I told him I hated this feeling and because I felt alone I said I should be alone... After saying that more and more each week, he decided to leave... Wow, he left..... And really to be honest I never wanted him to leave, just spend time with me, talk to me, appreciate me, love me, show me you care about me.. but no I guess I wasnt worth that... This man just doesnt realize what he had, and to be honest I dont think he cares.. Meanwhile, I am betting myself up with the regrets of telling him to leave, I never thought he would do it but he did... Now that we are living apart, I feel more alone, wishing he was here, wanting to take back anything and everything, wanting to change something in myself but I dont know what to change... Living apart, life between us is still the same, he doesnt talk to me much, he doesnt spend anytime with me, his just doesnt care... Whats wrong with this picture, am I so blinded by the thought he just never cared... Ive made a promise when I married him I would love him forever and I met it, but how can I love a man that isnt in love with me. My girlfriend keeps telling me I need to get out and stop thinking about this, but I just cant get over it, it is so hard... The best way to describe how I feel is empty, a part of me is missing.. I made a promise to my friend I would not call him anymore, Monday was the last day I talked to him, he shows no signs he even cares or notices... I heard threw the grape vine he bought a puppy, of all things a St. Bernard, it was sign we will never work things out... Well if he thought he had me as a pain in the ass, this new puppy will be a bigger one... As each day passes I take two steps forward and three steps back... Can someone please get me off this rollercoaster ride...
Guest Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Digger, You are crazy. And this unhealthy perseverance on your ex-wife's inexplicable behavior worries me. She left. There will never be a reason that you can digest, even if by some magical act somebody really knew what she was thinking or feeling. It didn't mean anything when she said, "I love you." It was a matter of habit. It wasn't the love of an enduring marriage. Wouldn't she be with you if it were? There was another man. You guys didn't communicate. She fell out of love with you. She had a delusional episode. Pick any or all, I don't care. You guys aren't together anymore. She moved on. You need a psychiatric evaluation because your emotional psyche is obviously very frail. Get over it and live a happy life. You really need a strong authority figure to give you a kick in the pants.
Lor Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Guest, may as well get a screen name and sign up--you're gonna be here a while. You've come to the right place, trust me--these people are wonderful. Don't leave and don't give up yet, we can help. Out of respect for digger and his post, please go ahead and repost your thread again under your own screen name and we'll start the rebuilding and healing process.
a4a Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Perhaps the X used the method to keep you from further being obsessed with her? If she revealed she was leaving you what would you have done? Hell I have done this because realizing a dating partner is "unstable" and for my own safety faked a hug or kiss to keep the peace until I could make it to safety.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 You really need a strong authority figure to give you a kick in the pants. Been there, done that. He doesn't listen. He will show up every few months and post something off the wall- then he disappears.
Author digger Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 "post something off the wall and disappear?" Not take the advice? I dunno Pixie, you act like you own the show here. You spew out more inane, dribble than any 100 people on here. Whose not getting over it? At least I am over it enough not to have to post here every 2 days. Try understanding other people arent going thru exactly what you are!
Mz. Pixie Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 "post something off the wall and disappear?" Not take the advice? I dunno Pixie, you act like you own the show here. You spew out more inane, dribble than any 100 people on here. Whose not getting over it? At least I am over it enough not to have to post here every 2 days. Try understanding other people arent going thru exactly what you are! I do own the show here! I certainly do not spew out inane dribble. If I did I doubt so many people would come to me for advice, both on the boards and in PM. Don't lash out at me and blame me because you don't want to wake up and smell the coffee. Your wife left you TWO YEARS ago buddy. She's not had a damn thing to do with you in that amount of time. When do ya think you might get your "sack" back? You'd be lucky to be going through the same thing that I am. Married to my soulmate and happy as a lark! But that's because I didn't sit around and have a pity party for the rest of my life when my marriage ended. If you don't want my advice- ignore me-but by golly if you strike out at me expect to be striked back at. "Nuff said.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 LOL Read your reply. NUFF SAID! That's an abbreviation- surely you are familiar with them?
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Digger, your posts basically can be summed up as follows: I'm still feeling sorry for myself. Can anybody sympathize? Ms. Pixie has quality stuff to add to many situations, and her advice is at least helpful. You don't offer any advice. In fact, your posts depress most people. I'm glad people are finally calling you on your pathetic wallowing. Perhaps sympathizing with you only serves to perpetuate your feelings of hopelessness. You really are stuck in a moment that should have psychologically been processed long ago. Use your anger about all of this to OPEN YOUR EYES and move the f**k on.
Gunny376 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Digger, your posts basically can be summed up as follows: I'm still feeling sorry for myself. Can anybody sympathize? Ms. Pixie has quality stuff to add to many situations, and her advice is at least helpful. You don't offer any advice. In fact, your posts depress most people. I'm glad people are finally calling you on your pathetic wallowing. Perhaps sympathizing with you only serves to perpetuate your feelings of hopelessness. You really are stuck in a moment that should have psychologically been processed long ago. Use your anger about all of this to OPEN YOUR EYES and move the f**k on. Divorce is one of life's more traumatic experiences. Its not necessarly life and death ~ but it will put you and your life through some changes. And, while it affects different people different ways ~ its still ranks up there as the second leading cause of stress. As I said its traumatic ~ and its normal to be affected by trauma. And, it takes time to acheive recovery ~ and recovery is healing your life. You'll have a scar, and you'll also know what to do if the pain comes up again. The trauma of divorce will one day ~ heal itself. There are those among us that cannot forget how much pain they were in and they can't help themseleves. And while divorce isn't necessarly something that will lead to PTSD, it can certainly smack of it. Things you should keep in mind are: Is is normal to be affected by trauma Is is okay to be in pain Treat yourself with respect. Respect you experience and your problem There is no rush in recovery Its OK to need help Its OK to ask for help It takes time to get better The following link is to a an article on PTSD, its got some good points for anyone going through a divorce. (Note: You don't have to be a combat vet, a survivior of rape, incest, sexual molestation to have PTSD, you need but be a survivor of a life threateing or see life threating situations (Drs, nurses, Para-medics, firemen) or a traumatic event. You can experience short term - short lived symptoms of PTSD in any stressful situation such as high pressure job or failing marriage or divorce) http://www.patiencepress.com/samples/ptg1.pdf This is an Adobe file, btw Guns
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 gunny, with all due respect, you are merely validating digger's wallowing and telling him to keep hurting. of course divorce sucks. but it happens and digger needs to face reality now, TWO years after the fact. if you were a qualified therapist or even a family friend, would you tell him, hey it's okay, yeah, let it out and keep suffering from it? this divorce seems to have consumed him. it's unhealthy. he keeps asking about the why's and the how's but will not accept any solid advice based on the experience of people who have gone thru what he has. try reading some of his prior posts. I'm sure you'll tell him to "man up," as you are quite fond of doing. that's basically what we're doing here.
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Perhaps the X used the method to keep you from further being obsessed with her? If she revealed she was leaving you what would you have done? Hell I have done this because realizing a dating partner is "unstable" and for my own safety faked a hug or kiss to keep the peace until I could make it to safety. Amen to this. This is just how I left as well. Rather than dwell on her actions, you really need to consider your own Digger. Had I been leaving a rational man, we could have been civil and spoken about it. As it was, there was no respect left in the marriage and mine and my children's safety was the number one priority. So I played nice with him, as to not provoke him. BTW, you seem easily agitated with the way you went off on Mz. P. From what I read, she was only trying to help you. Yet you took two and a half years of your issues out on her. You know, acid does more damage to the vessel it is stored in than to the object it is directed at.
Gunny376 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 gunny, with all due respect, you are merely validating digger's wallowing and telling him to keep hurting. of course divorce sucks. but it happens and digger needs to face reality now, TWO years after the fact. if you were a qualified therapist or even a family friend, would you tell him, hey it's okay, yeah, let it out and keep suffering from it? this divorce seems to have consumed him. it's unhealthy. he keeps asking about the why's and the how's but will not accept any solid advice based on the experience of people who have gone thru what he has. try reading some of his prior posts. I'm sure you'll tell him to "man up," as you are quite fond of doing. that's basically what we're doing here. I hear you Bro. But you and I are cut from a different cloth. MzP mental health poster child seems to be the bi-polar issue. Mine? Mine is PTSD, I've lived it. Its real, and for real, and a personal part I'd soon not get into here, because,...................its personal. Very much so. And, in light of your most recent post, I can see and validate your previous post. I can see where you were trying to give him a kick in the pants, that we all need from time to time, to include yours turly! Yea! Bottom line? Get over it! Move on! Sh*t happens! Suck it up!
Gunny376 Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 gunny, with all due respect, you are merely validating digger's wallowing and telling him to keep hurting. of course divorce sucks. but it happens and digger needs to face reality now, TWO years after the fact. if you were a qualified therapist or even a family friend, would you tell him, hey it's okay, yeah, let it out and keep suffering from it? this divorce seems to have consumed him. it's unhealthy. he keeps asking about the why's and the how's but will not accept any solid advice based on the experience of people who have gone thru what he has. try reading some of his prior posts. I'm sure you'll tell him to "man up," as you are quite fond of doing. that's basically what we're doing here. And I was there to! Trapped in WTF! Its an easy place to get trapped up in! The WTF trap is a mother, I'm here to tell you. That's where he is, he's caught up in the WTF trap.
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Its an easy place to get trapped up in! The WTF trap is a mother, I'm here to tell you. That's where he is, he's caught up in the WTF trap. I don't think it's easy to get trapped there. I think most of us pass through it. We get there, we analyze it, we face it and we let it go. Getting stuck shows there is a stronger psychological issue at hand. Especially when you're talking two and a half years. If you know anything about stress, you know that it can bring about physical changes in the body. Why would someone with a rational mind choose to be there, knowing what could happen? Obviously this man needs help. He's not dealing with this and is reluctant to help himself. And the fact that he is so eager to take out his frustrations on innocent women who are offering to help him is nothing less than disturbing.
dgiirl Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 I think it's very easy to get stuck. When I was going through my reading frenzie of self help books, one book mentioned that it's easy to get addicted to grief. You reach a point where you have to make a decision to either let go of the pain, or hold on to it. Holding onto it, allows you to stay connected to the past, which is a little comforting. It's extremely scary to let go of the past and figure out what you are going to do with your future. You have to rebuild your whole life and take responsibility for it, and that's scary sh*t. It's easier and more comforting to hold onto the grief, because atleast then, people seem to empathize with you for a little while. You get that reassurance from family and friends that they will take care of you. Unfortunately, as time goes on, people start to get sick of your self grieving and want you to stand up, dust yourself off, and move on. Yes, you are in pain, but you are not the first to go through this, and you wont be the last. And you reach a point where it's time to take responsiblity for your life and move on. Right now, you are the only one hurting yourself. You are wasting your precious life and giving up. You need more fight in you than that. You are not weak. You are strong enough to get through this. You need some faith. Either in God, mother nature, or karma, or even my words now, Everything happens for a reason, and you can get through this if you put your mind to it. Time alone will not heal you! As digger's proving now, it's been two years, and it doesnt seem to have healed him at all. He's still searching for answers, he's still in pain like it happened yesterday. I get it. Honestly, I do. I still have some bad days. BUT I know time alone will not heal me. I have to work on moving on. I have to stop looking for answers where there is no sufficient answer. And if there really is an anwer, it'll probably just hurt me more, so why look for it? You have to actively refocus your thoughts when you go down that poor me route. Once you practice refocusing your thoughts, it starts to become habit, and eventually you'll find there's been days, then weeks, then months where you didnt think about them. But time alone? Nope, it's not going to heal you. Time AND actively working on it will!
Mz. Pixie Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 MzP mental health poster child seems to be the bi-polar issue. Mine? Mine is PTSD, I've lived it. Its real, and for real, and a personal part I'd soon not get into here, because,...................its personal. Eh, bipolar was currently on my mind because I was reading the book about it in an effort to educate myself so as to help my friend. I personally suffer from PTSD myself- or so I've been told- so I feel ya there Gunny. Digger is doing nothing to help himself. I gave him the same advice I'd give anyone else who came here only to post the things that he does. I've very rarely seen him ever contribute to anything since I've been here. The thing is- we've all done things to help ourselves get better- I can't see that he has done anything that we've suggested. He seriously needs some real face to face counseling. The reason he attacked me is because my words ring so true and he doesn't want anyone to burst his bubble.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 The thing is- we've all done things to help ourselves get better- I can't see that he has done anything that we've suggested. EXACTLY. He's not choosing to be proactive in his healing. It comes off as almost obsessive compulsive after awhile. He's fixated on a point, and can't seem to move past it. I know it's got to be upsetting for him to feel like people are being critical... but MzP is right, we're not helping him if we support him in his inertia. There's never been even the smallest indicator that Digger has been able to post alluding to hope that his wife will come back. He's got to move on if he wants to be healthy. I would advise him to read through some of Dgiirl's previous posts. She's a fine example of someone who CHOOSES to heal.
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