farfromhome Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about two years ago. When we got together I hadn't been with anyone for a while, she was with another guy and 'chose me' and I fell very quickly and hard for her. After a short affair she left him and got together with me. The problem was that I was leaving the country (not my home country) a month from when we got together. I did leave, went home for a while, but about 3 months later decided to return to her country and be with her. I came back, we moved in together and have been living together since. I should also mention at this stage that she suffers from diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and I also have some sort of undiagnosed mood disorder (depression, mood swings, substance addiction). A month or so ago we had a major fight and I broke up with her because she told me she had experimented with heroin. Our relationship was already under strain for financial reasons. The next day we reconciled and agreed to try again and try to improve our lives. Since then however, I have not felt the same and I feel that probably I 'caved in' because I couldn't bear hurting her by leaving and was also intimidated by the major financial and logistical challenges of moving back to my home country. At the time we had been planning a move there together but I called that off, because I felt it would be too risky considering our relationship was shaky already. I adopted a 'wait and see' approach hoping things would improve. In many regards they have, she has entered alcoholism counseling, found an internship and generally made steps to improve her self and situation. But ever since this last blow up I cannot escape the feeling that I want to leave and am in the relationship more for fear of leaving than anything else. This has of course been reflected in my behavior and attitude and I have not been able to pretend to be happy in the relationship any longer. Last night we started to discuss things and very quickly it lead to me saying I was unhappy and that I wanted to go back home, but also didn't feel her coming with me was a good idea, which lead to a big drama and then finally me saying that I would leave. Again she fell apart and I couldn't stand to cause her so much pain, and waffled. I said I wanted to try and see if there was anything we could do to address the causes for unhappiness in the relationship. I tried to sit down and talk clearly about how I had felt and how she had felt but quickly it lead to her accusing and attacking me and no constructive outcome. It seems clear to me that I should leave but I feel a very strong desire to make it 100% clear that that is the only and best option available. I am a big believer in 'talking things out' but that is not working here. Do I have any further options? Is it time to leave? I know that my staying and waffling back and forth is doing more harm than good, but I don't want to give up too quickly. I know there's not much of a question there but any thoughts would be deeply appreciated.
Returning Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Hey farfromhome, How are you? From my own experience I would recommend a course of 'damage limitation'. Never suggest the problem lies with her, in fact never get her to confront her own actions at all, this will only lead to major upset and pain for yourself. BPD's have a particular problems with abandonment issues, so I would stop talking about leaving her or you will be psychologicaly bullied and abused with major upset and pain for you. If you really want out from this situation you will have to do it on the quiet, this sounds a bit underhanded but if you want to avoid trauma and maintain your own sanity it may be necessary. Wait till she is at a class or out for a couple of hours and get what you need and you out of there. You do not say if she is a high functioning BPD, her ego maintains a good relationship with people outside her living environment, she does not self harm or threaten suicide or a Low functioning BPD, self harms threatens suicide most people can see she dances to a different drum. BPD's are good at projection, 'I'm not mentally ill, it's you, you are' and they employ all the verbal tacticts of a skilled abuser, withholding being most often used. Withholding enables the abuser to dominate her partner while keeping her ideal image intact. Indeed, to reveal a thought would give the enemy the advantage or perhaps subject her to scrutiny. To respond with interest to her partner would be just as threatening. such a response would suggest equality, obliterating the abuser's stance of superiority. Without a stance of superiority for protection, the abuser's feelings of powerlessness that must not be felt, might be felt. This is a quote from a book but I don't know which one or author, got it from this site. http://personalitydisorders.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/1187/1-5 Follow the link, it has a thread which includes some experience of a low functioning BPD. My partner was a high functioning BPD so everyone thought I was the crazy one, she really was a class act. It tore my heart out to leave her but I could not ride on the magic roundabout any longer. She drove my self esteem into the dirt, spent money like water, tracked me down when I left, trashed my new house and vehicle on many occasions. It's really very sad but no matter what you try you can't fix her and whatever you try to talk out or reason she will not 'get it' and take all approaches as a personal attack on her damaged authentic self. Good Luck farfromhome, cool your jets, accept your present circumstance, love her while you can, she probably doesn't twig there is anything wrong with the relationship. Plan your escape and execute it, don't look back, she will make you feel like crap if she gets to speak to you but they can be very seductive and will have a secondary source of supply for her ego (another guy, another sucker on the vine) within hours of your departure.
Returning Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Found this in another thread, pretty much sums it up Been through this same thing!! Bad mistake. It's hard to see the forest through the trees. You're still in it, so you can't see what you're doing to yourself and to her. If she wants to change things in her life, she's got to do it on her own. And you need someone you love AS IS! You can't ever think that you're going to change anything, that they'll grow out of habits, that living together/getting married/whatever is going to make it better.... you have to love the person they are, not the person you think they should be. And though the beginning is hell and having a broken heart sucks, and staying together/going back seems so much easier, you will realize when you meet someone who does make you happy just being the person they are naturally, what you've but yourself and her through. Just be the bigger person and move on.
Author farfromhome Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 hey returning, Thanks very much for taking the time to respond. I've broken it off and am now picking through the pieces trying to do what is needed for me to return home. I can't just leave abruptly as we live together and her financial situation is fragile, she can't pay the rent alone. So I am working to help find a temporary room mate. I am deeply unhappy about this but last night we had another drama where she stood on the window ledge and threatened to jump and that is exactly the kind of thing I cannot take anymore. It's all the more sad because she has done so much to improve and clearly is improving, but at this stage it's too late for our relationship. thanks again
Returning Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Be carefull and be kind to her if you can, breaking it off and telling her didn't do you any favours, you may think it was the right/honest thing to do but you live in the real world. Unfortunatly she does not, couldn't you make up a story like someone is ill back home and you have to be there, even say your coming back if it helps. Anything to stop her displaying her pain, suicide threats etc. You may have to walk on eggshells until you get the hell out of there, she will be planning and volotile to try and stop what you are doing. Do whatever you have to to try and keep her stable, forget what you truely believe for the time you there, tell her what she needs to hear. You may know your right, but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Take care
Recommended Posts