ImmaBeAlright Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Dear Dumpee How are you doing, I hope you are coping. I want to talk to you about the phenomenon of No Contact. I realize that you are hurting now and you do not know why you were dumped. You were meant to be together, you were so happy together, you love(d) each other etc, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is you have now been dumped, your SO decided that the relationship wasn't working and he bailed. Accept that. Do not question it. Respect his/her feelings. Now Dear Dumpee, lets talk NC. NC is not a tool to get your ex back. NC is a way to remove yourself from a relationship that is broken and for you to heal and find yourself. Do you know why your ex isn't contacting you? It is because he had a headstart in dealing with the breakup. He didn't leave you the day you broke up, he left you the first time he started thinking: Mhhhhhh.... I'm not sure about this. Does he miss you, well, maybe he might, you did spend time together. Does he want to get back together, no one knows. But the bottom line is, you 2 have broken up! What s/he does, thinks, intends to do in 3 months, you should no longer be concerned with. You only have you now and that's who you should be concerned about. You want to talk to him/her, you want to understand, you want, you want, you want. Well, you are not gonna get. The only thing you need to get is that YOU ARE NOW BROKEN UP. How does it feel when you finally succumb and call him/her? What happens when s/he just indulges you in small chit chat, instead of jumping for joy and begging you to take him back. Doesn't feel too good does it? I know what love is and I am not sitting on some self righteous horse berating everyone. I was dumped 4 weeks ago, hurt like a mothereffer! I too wanted to call, hear his voice, try to change his mind, etc.... But you know what, I love(d) this guy, but I love me more. He hurt me by breaking up with me, but I wasn't about to hurt myself by hanging on. So my Dear Dumpee, back away from the phone, blackberry, IM, Mobile. In fact, log out of this site now and go do something that will make you feel good about yourself. Quitting an ex is like quitting any other vice. You need a support system, you need dedication and you need to take it one day at a time. Get yourself a break up buddy who will let you cry in her shoulder for an hour and then take you out to chill. Wake up in the morning and say: Just for today, I will not contact him/her and will do something that will make me feel good. It might not look like it now but your heartbreak is a lesson about you. Yours Faithfully Fellow Dumpee
Teacher's Pet Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I've learned that getting dumped is so much easier for women. Women have a natural "support system" among each other. Women are expected to cry and complain about being dumped, but then they do some "girly things" and they recover... Men aren't allowed to cry to their friends! I can't turn to my guy friends and cry about my ex. They'll laugh at me and say "Let's go get drunk and stare at some t*ts!" That's not who I am. Yes, I drink on occasion, and yes, I enjoy the sight of a woman's ample busom, but it doesn't take away from how I feel. Sometimes, I WISH I was a woman! lol I want someone to take me shopping!!!!!!!! -tp
AtLongLast Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Wow. I gotta call Bull**** on your idea of the women having it easier. I will tell you that isn't true. At least from my stand point. As a matter of fact, my support system -as you call- it is dating my ex. So no go there. As for the rest of my friends they tell me to move on. This doesn't help of course so I usually shut up and sit at home, staring at the walls or losing myself in a movie. You are right, there is a negative stigma attached to men who pine after their exes...Stupid I think. I would have loved to know someone pined after me. I think men who have feelings and aren't afraid to show them are stronger than the men who act hard and macho. Perhaps some women have a support system, but I have found that most of my life no one has really cared to listen to me when I am hurting no matter how many times I have had to listen to their whining. Then there is the other type that pretends that nothing matters and they don't really care about anything. I can't be like them either. So I sit...lurking on love shack and hoping for a day less bleak than yesterday.
Teacher's Pet Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Well, in your case you are right. In my recent breakup, my main support system (a girl) is now "friends" with my ex.... so I can't really open up to even her, because it'll probably get back to my ex somehow... And now one of my other best "gal pals" is ignoring me, and I can't figure out why...
KittenMoon Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I want someone to take me shopping!!!!!!!! This would be a very effective pick up line. Perhaps some women have a support system, but I have found that most of my life no one has really cared to listen to me when I am hurting no matter how many times I have had to listen to their whining. Then there is the other type that pretends that nothing matters and they don't really care about anything. I can't be like them either. You should consider some new friends that actually care about how you feel. No one should have people around them that don't lend any support.
Author ImmaBeAlright Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 I've learned that getting dumped is so much easier for women. Women have a natural "support system" among each other. Women are expected to cry and complain about being dumped, but then they do some "girly things" and they recover... Men aren't allowed to cry to their friends! I can't turn to my guy friends and cry about my ex. They'll laugh at me and say "Let's go get drunk and stare at some t*ts!" That's not who I am. Yes, I drink on occasion, and yes, I enjoy the sight of a woman's ample busom, but it doesn't take away from how I feel. Sometimes, I WISH I was a woman! lol I want someone to take me shopping!!!!!!!! -tp I will agree with you. In our society, men are not allowed to cry, show hurt, etc.... they are expected to just 'get on with it', which is greatly unfair. When I got dumped, my best friend moved in with me for 4 days (maybe out of kindness or to just pry me away from the phone when I attempt to call my ex) and she was great. I don't know what I could have done otherwise. I know for me that sitting at home alone, staring at the walls and crying would have driven me insane. Now don't get me wrong, she's not there all the time to hear me cry and mope, which i haven't done in 3 weeks. When I get on my 'Ex Worship' wagon, she listens, nods and reminds me the fact that it is over and that I need to move on. By moving on, not necessarily move under someone else... LOL. I believe that a support system is key, even if its these boards, though I should say sometimes I get majorly depressed when i read some threads here, but all in all, it is a good place for support. Do I still think of my ex, sometimes but I am concentrating more on getting back to being me. Another thing, with the support system, you get to talk to someone who isn't going thru a breakup. the voice of reason as they are not directly involved. My friends, especially that one friend, has made me realize why it didn't work.
Author ImmaBeAlright Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Wow. I gotta call Bull**** on your idea of the women having it easier. I will tell you that isn't true. At least from my stand point. As a matter of fact, my support system -as you call- it is dating my ex. So no go there. As for the rest of my friends they tell me to move on. This doesn't help of course so I usually shut up and sit at home, staring at the walls or losing myself in a movie. You are right, there is a negative stigma attached to men who pine after their exes...Stupid I think. I would have loved to know someone pined after me. I think men who have feelings and aren't afraid to show them are stronger than the men who act hard and macho. Perhaps some women have a support system, but I have found that most of my life no one has really cared to listen to me when I am hurting no matter how many times I have had to listen to their whining. Then there is the other type that pretends that nothing matters and they don't really care about anything. I can't be like them either. So I sit...lurking on love shack and hoping for a day less bleak than yesterday. I am so sorry to hear about your ex friend now dating your ex bf. She wasn't a friend to begin with. Try not to sit at home moping, do other things even if its by yourself.
AtLongLast Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 I have gotten out more lately. Movies, dinner. Always by myself, but I like myself enough to enjoy my own company. I don't want to have to be my own best friend, because I even get tired of myself, but it seems to work. Sometimes though moping is all I can do and that's ok for now. I do it in private so people don't know and it gets more and more infrequent, as I start to think that he and her were sucky people to know anyway. Kitten, I agree with you. I just don't know where to make new friends. I work and pretty much nothing else.
fireflywy Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Yeah, as the dumpee, I only have myself. As a consequence of that action, I decided to challenge myself. So what did I do you ask? I went skydiving... www.myspace.com/fireflywyo The funny thing is... I still get anxious whenever I see the ex in public. I think it was easier for me to jump out of the damn plane. Oh well... *shrug* Let no one say that I haven't lived!
Mollyanna Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Yeah, as the dumpee, I only have myself. As a consequence of that action, I decided to challenge myself. So what did I do you ask? I went skydiving... www.myspace.com/fireflywyo The funny thing is... I still get anxious whenever I see the ex in public. I think it was easier for me to jump out of the damn plane. Oh well... *shrug* Let no one say that I haven't lived! That is so awesome. Congrats. Hey I have always dreamed about trying it. Maybe I should just go out and do it. (PM me please - How long does it take before they let you jump?)
RavenousDebris Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I'm allowed to cry to my friends, but I'm not going to. Wallowing in pity is not healthy. Crying a little might feel good, but what you should be doing is getting your mind off the ex, not sitting on your bed and focusing on it.
leopardprint Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I can't turn to my guy friends and cry about my ex. They'll laugh at me and say "Let's go get drunk and stare at some t*ts!" TP, my friends are the same way - they just tell me to go out, get drunk, and hook up with some random guy. #1, I don't get drunk - ever. I'm a social drinker; I might have a wine at dinner or a party or something if there is wine. #2, I don't hook up with random people. I only get intimate with someone if I'm in a relationship with them. Maybe I need to loosen up, who knows, but that's just my own personal rules. I don't have a strong network of friends for a support group either, and I don't feel like it's "ok" to cry just because I'm a woman. I feel like it's NOT ok to cry because I should be over him, because I'm "better" than that, and because I should be moving on, not crying over him, the one who let me go. I hate feeling like I SHOULDN'T be doing something emotionally, or that it's WRONG to do even show my emotions. I'm hurt. I want to cry and let it out. But I'm supposed to be strong - we ALL are - not just men, but women too.
magda Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I've never had a woman cry to me over getting dumped. I don't know how I'd react if I did, either. Hopefully fairly positively, but I would def try to end the crying and move on to the empowerment and such quickly. I doubt a man would do any different if the situation were reversed and he were faced with a crying friend.
leopardprint Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I've never had a woman cry to me over getting dumped. I don't know how I'd react if I did, either... In my experience, it seems like the dumper always wanted to end the phone call/conversation very quickly. They didn't really seem to want to hear me out, because they knew I was hurt, and I don't think they enjoyed the feeling of guilt they then had for themselves, because they believed all they were doing was hurting some girl (aka, me). I think they just wanted to stop hearing me cry so that they wouldn't feel guilty for hurting someone.
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