Wife Just Rang Me

[consternation]

omggg .... mm just rang, said his wife wants to talk to me.

 

Horrible beyond belief.

 

She wanted them both to come to my house to talk.

 

God I can't believe the hideous nightmare.

 

She was really nice .. as in not yelling at me... and sounded so sad. We talked for about 15 minutes. She sounded totally heartbroken.... was saying I have given him something he cant get from her.... etc... that she is trying to salvage their marriage....

 

I said if that's the case you should both pack your bags and go back to NZ and don't look back... I tried to be helpful but I felt so bad.

 

I said he doesnt owe me anything, I dont expect anything etc...

 

I feel like ****.

 

Wife asked me if I could be pregnant..... "are you going to give my husband what I cant'' (she cant have kids) ... i promised her there was no way in the world.

 

MM got on phone and apologised.... said ""i cant see you again" ... and he's very sorry.... I said, is there something you want to say but cant (knowing wife listening) he said yes, I said, are you going to stay together, and he said I dont know... I said... do you want to at least try... he said, its very hard. I said, are we going to talk again, he said yes.

 

Hideous nightmare.

 

I havent stopped shaking yet.

[Guest]

I cant believe that the two of you are going to go on lying to her. You describe how sad she is. It must have taken a lot for her to talk to you and remain calm and tell you that she wants to salvage her marriage. Her husband has clearly led her to believe that he wants to save it too... and yet here you both are having coded conversations about how he cant say what he wants, and how you will talk again.

 

Now is the time to be honest. She knows! Continuing to sneak around and lie will just hurt her even more. Does he want to stay with her or be with you? Now is the time to make that decision and if you love him and want him, end the sneaking around now and demand he is honest with both you and his wife.

 

Last note - when she says he is getting something from you that she cant give him, beware of seeing this as a sign that you were right to do this to her. She is still trying to make sense of this and find a reason why her husband would betray her. It may well be that she realises it wasnt because she lacked something or didnt give him something, and then you may well bear the brunt of her delayed anger.

[Mascara]

Agree. You felt bad, but you still want to know if you'll hear from him?

 

When you said to him "is there something you want to say but can't"... truthfully, what did you expect him to say?

 

I feel for you, it must be a horrible thing to have to deal with.... but if ever there was a time to rip off the Band Aid, now would be it.

[consternation]

lol... I haven't seen him in over a month?

 

Did you not realise?

 

 

We both know perfectly well we aren't seeing each other again, unless he is single.

 

I certainly don't see anything as a sign I was right to do it???

 

And Mascara - yes I feel bad... but just because I have heard from her doesnt change things. I think that would be rather hypocritical.

 

As stated previously, we aren't seeing each other, but he has said that he will be single at the end of September. I am not operating on the expectation that will be the case.

 

As far as I am concerned, I am out of the picture until he has sorted his sh** out one way or the other.

 

And - ''Guest" ... she has known for 8 months since he first told her. He told her again a month ago (after I ended it).

 

I make no speculations as to what he has told her, or led her to believe. I don't have enough information. It's for them to deal with all this horrible nightmare they are going through and in the meantime I am going on with my life.

 

It's my suspicion however that this is his idiotic way of ''letting her down gently".

 

Get your facts right eh. ''Guest" your reply is rather melodramatic.

[Mascara]

consternation, I *did* know your situation.

 

I suspect right now that you want sympathy rather than different opinions on the matter, which is understandable, so I'll leave my thoughts in my first post.

[consternation]

Mascara, you are probably right.

 

I do think the code talk thing was pretty low. But I was freaking out and couldn't believe that might be it.... never talk to him again. I would at least like to say goodbye at some point.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

I intend to do nothing.

[Mascara]

I think nothing is exactly what you should do. Don't give him the privilege of talking to you or contacting you. That's a privilege that he has to earn by keeping his word to you about being single in September.

 

I know you've been strong about all this up to now, my guess is that he is hoping to push you back into proper contact and that your strength will diminish now he has contacted you after a month.

[PoshPrincess]

Mascara, you are probably right.

 

I do think the code talk thing was pretty low. But I was freaking out and couldn't believe that might be it.... never talk to him again. I would at least like to say goodbye at some point.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

I intend to do nothing.

 

Consternation, I TOTALLY feel for you. Of course W is going through a terribly painful time. When I feel bad about my MM I ask myself, how must W feel then after 15 years of marriage, to find out that he's been unfaithful? Even worse than me no doubt. Thing is, that makes no difference to you or me; everyone has their own problems and pain and you must be going through hell.

 

(Guest, have you been in our position only you sound a little judgemental?)

 

C, it must've been the worse thing possible having this conversation with the W. I spoke to my MMs W but only when she found out about our A and phoned me to have it out with me. I was shocked, then I panicked and denied everything, mainly to protect him as I never wanted it to come out like that and especially didn't want his kids dragged into it. That was bad enough. I DO feel terrible for what I have done to her but I love him. Thing is, I love him enough to let him go, if that's what he wants. I still don't know what he wants though and I don't think he does either. Whenever we speak I tell him that if he's going to stay (because of the kids) he should make an effort and make a go of it with W rather than just tolerating things. Probably not helping myself but if he is ever going to be with me then I want him to be 100% sure I guess.

 

I'm sure you know now that the best thing for you to do is to let him sort his life out. If you and him are meant to be, then you will be, no matter what. At the end of the day, he isn't going to be able to stay with her forever, not out of guilt. That won't make anyone happy. Wish I could help more. I put myself in your position in can totally feel your pain. Hang in there and try and be positive.

[consternation]

The whole thing was entirely alarming.

[consternation]

Excuse numerous replies.

 

I can't sleep.

 

Mascara, I don't think he will try and have more contact. What's the point? He has his hands full at the moment working through things with his partner (wife). It astonishes me that they rang today, she must have been extremely, extremely insistent.

 

I feel somewhat numb and disengaged. I don't think I should be involved, in any way, in what is going on between them. (Although if she rings me again I will talk to her.) I don't believe I am the real issue between them (wife even said he was extremely unhappy before meeting me but she didn't know what to do).

 

I don't believe they are going to stay together... as Posh says, you can't stay forever out of guilt. But I don't know if this is going to be the make or break... maybe htey will limp on for years longer. And even if they do break up, it doesnt follow that him and I will have any big fairytale ending either.

 

I just hope they are able to work out whether they are going to split, or make a real concerted effort at fixing things between them, so that everyone can move on in some way.

 

I am trying to operate as though I won't be seeing him again. Ever. Deep down that's not what I want or hope for.... but I won't be finding out until the end of September. So if its bad news (for me) then hopefully I will be used to having him not around and it wont be such a blow.

 

Thanks for replies...

[whichwayisup]

If you love him and respect him, then don't call him. And, if he calls you - Tell him to focus on his wife, fixing their marriage. He can't be intouch with you at all, even by phone or email. If he does that, BOTH of you are making a fool of his wife.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you want the OW to stay away?

 

I know you're in pain, and it hurts, and you want to talk to him to have closure. The thing is, the closure you have to do yourself. FOR yourself. If you talk to him, there are going to be more questions than answers... You know he loves you, but he is married and wants to stay with his wife.

 

Keep busy, pamper yourself and most of all - LIVE life. Don't sit and be upset for too long.

[Guest]

I am sorry if you thought I was being judgemental and you probably guessed that my perspective is not from the viewpoint of the OW. I do stand by my opinion.. but this is a horrible situation for everyone concerned and I hope it is resolved soon, whatever the outcome may be. There is no way to be let down gently in these situations, so this MM is kidding himself if he thinks he can achieve this with his W. The worst possible scenario for both you and his W would be for him to continue to give out mixed messages about who and what he wants. It sounds like you wont let this happen so I take my hat off to you.

[newbby]

If you love him and respect him, then don't call him. And, if he calls you - Tell him to focus on his wife, fixing their marriage. He can't be intouch with you at all, even by phone or email. If he does that, BOTH of you are making a fool of his wife.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you want the OW to stay away?

 

I know you're in pain, and it hurts, and you want to talk to him to have closure. The thing is, the closure you have to do yourself. FOR yourself. If you talk to him, there are going to be more questions than answers... You know he loves you, but he is married and wants to stay with his wife.

 

Keep busy, pamper yourself and most of all - LIVE life. Don't sit and be upset for too long.

 

i think what consternation was saying, is that she is having nc with mm, until he is single. he has told her that he will be single. they are keeping apart whilst he ends his marriage as best he can. this is the decision they made when they last had spoken. when she asked if he would speak with her again, then she was asking whether she should still wait, whether their decision still stood...i could be wrong, but i think this is the situation..

[TheDiva]

consternation, unless you live in a place where divorce can happen in a month, don't expect him to be single at the end of September. Separation is not synonymous with single. I see in your postings an internal struggle. You want him to take action, yet you are afraid of the action he may take.(or inaction is case of staying in marriage) If you do live in an area where divorce is possible in a month, then by all means, start up the relationship SLOWLY. Let it creep along though.

 

But I suspect this isn't the case. That means he will not be single until the divorce is final. PLEASE, DO NOT ACT ON A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM UNTIL THE D IS FINAL! During the seperation they may decide they want to try yet again. Several couples have false starts with divorce, only to reconcile for whatever reason. That means a double hurt for you should this happen.

 

You are right that you aren't the issue between them. If their M is workable then you are cut out. If not, then you get what you want. On my side of the fence I can't see why you want MM to decide your 'fate' for you so to speak. But having been there before I can say that I do understand the mindset.

 

My advice for you if MM does tell you at the end of September that he is headed for the big D, cut him out of your life until it's resolved. This is also for your protection. Aside from the possible reconcilation with W he will need to grieve and grow. You may want to help him, but your presence may hinder more than help him with this process. He may want your presence at that time but it will do him more harm than good in the long run.

 

And Guest has a point. Letting the W down gently? There is no way to accomplish this. It will be painful regardless of how it is done. Better to sever the tie quickly, rather than saw at it with a dull knife. KWIM? You are already living with the dull knife scenario in that he has you waiting for a decision. Does it really feel all that great? He seems to be trying to do the right thing. I mean that in the figure out which 'fork in the road' he wants to travel, not the moral 'work on marriage/leave marriage' thing.

 

MM got on phone and apologised.... said ""i cant see you again" ... and he's very sorry.... I said, is there something you want to say but cant (knowing wife listening) he said yes, I said, are you going to stay together, and he said I dont know... I said... do you want to at least try... he said, its very hard. I said, are we going to talk again, he said yes.

 

This is confusing to me. I can't imagine how you feel living it. "It's very hard" as an answer to want to try to save his marriage???

 

The question requires a yes or no. I don't know might even be acceptable. But it's very hard? Using the code speak, IMO means he isn't wanting to save the marriage, maybe save face, but not the marriage. He should be open and honest and direct with both of you if he wanted to save his marriage. It's possible he is using both of you for a fall back plan. In case one denies him, he has the other. Only you know his personality, so I can only guess if he is the sort that needs a cushion to keep reality from smacking him hard.

 

Ultimately, doing nothing, as far as their marriage is concerned, is the only way to go. As for what you should do. Continue living your life as if he will not be with you. Do things for you, try to push him from your mind. Seek out friends, or make new friends. Date, if the opportunity arises. You may not want to, but do it anyway. Don't hide yourself from the world awaiting the day he may knock on your door. Life may pass you by that way. He has other commitments he needs to take care of before he can think of you. That is the sad part of this kind of situation.

 

Ultimately MM is going to think of and take care of himself first. You do the same, and the situation will work out for the best no matter the outcome.

[Guest]

i have been the wife in this type of situation. please, for the sake of everyone, just leave the affair behind you and move on. i know you said that you are trying to move on...so please just do it. if he and his wife dont end up working things out, let it be for other reasons besides you. they need a fair chance at working things out.

[Guest]

Sounds all too familiar...

 

I was w/ a MM and had his baby two yrs ago, when I asked him on the phone "are you going to get back together with her" (while she was next to him) he responded with the same "I don't know" well here we are two yrs later and he has never come back to me, that was the last tiime I had s/w him until after one month after our son was born, to this day he has stayed with her w/ no effort to return to me, trust me the " I don't know" means Yes I am getting back w/ her because I feel that is where home is, where the heart is where my obligation is and commitment is where my initial family is where the centripetal force is pulling me sorry but we've heard this story many times. Until she dismisses him and SHE gives the walking papers he is not going anywhere!

[consternation]

Thanks for all replies.

 

As stated numerous times by myself, I have no intention of contacting him. If he phones, I will talk to him about what happened. That will be it.

 

Newbby has got it exactly right.

 

I am happy to wait until September for further answers. I certainly have enough to be going on with (single mother, am renovating house myself, full time uni student, am going on 2 week holiday in sept, etc).

 

I am Australian. I'm not fussed as to whether he is legally divorced or not. I expect he will be dealing with this for some time. I have said that if we see each other in September, then my requirement is that I can introduce him to my daughter (as friend), that we can do things together (like movies) and he can sleep over on occasion. Ie that we aren't sneaking around. I don't think there are any guarantees whatsoever, as I said, of any fairy tale ending..... if we are in each others pockets more then we might discover we just arent compatible etc. He is a very proud stubborn man (polynesian) and I think he has decided what he wants and is working towards it. I don't even think that's me - I think he just doesn't want to be married. (I have harangued him so much he's probably gone off me too).

 

At the end of the day I really can't speculate. They have been together since he was 18 (she 21) and so there's no way I can understand, make demands, or know anything about what's going on between them.

 

I am prepared to wait til end of Sept and then move on accordingly.

 

Yes it's hard but it's not the worst thing I've been through and I can force things out of my mind well when I have to.

 

On the bright side, a very goodlooking norweigan asked for my number yesterday in my philosophy class so we can study together. I was feeling rather chuffed about this before the sh** hit the fan with MM.

[consternation]

3 prank calls today.... person hung up shortly after I answered.

[newbby]

change your number, and try to forget about him til september. get on with your life, i know you have lots of physical stuff to do, but get on with it mentally and emotionally and spiritually too. act as though he is not going to be in your life, and if he is, well thats just a bonus. i know you have probably heard and thought about all of this before, but i dont know what else to say. waiting must be difficult...so dont wait, as much as you can...

[consternation]

Thanks newbby... you're reading my mind exactly. It's hard... I'm ok most of the time but then I have this wave of missing him, it's quite awful.

 

This is going to sound so ridiculous... but after the wife wanted to come round yesterday, and then the prank calls - I spent all day cleaning just in case she turned up. I don't want to look like a slattern as well as a wh*re etc etc .

 

Anyway at least I've done all the housework.

 

Posting here is helpful, even though I'm getting snippy at half the advice (sorry) not only because I'm hearing others thoughts, but largely because it helps me to order my own thoughts.

 

Thanks.

[newbby]

LOL, well at least you have a clean house..

i know what you mean about ordering thoughts, sometimes i argue just for the purpose of doing this.

well, i dont know if i could do it. it is one thing moving on from a relationship, and that is hard enough in itself, but being in limbo and not knowing, at the same time....that must be tough. although in a way most of these relationships have that aspect to them in larger or smaller degress, because there is always that element of not knowing, and mm have a tendency to go and return again, usually just when you have started getting over them!! but this must be ultra difficult.

i know what you mean aswell, this isnt the worst thing you have been through, and i felt the same when i was in the relationship, but its stress, and stress just isnt good. it also can become all consuming at times, which makes little sense if you are the kind of person who tries to look at the bigger picture most of the time.

i suppose that the best way to handle it is to keep in mind that everything is your choice. if you wait for him you do so because you choose to, you can also always choose to change your mind. you have options that are dependent on you and not him...its only a slight change in perspective, but makes a big difference sometimes. you are probably already doing this though, you sound as though you have your head screwed on...

[consternation]

Thanks newbby... I totally agree. I would go insane, totally insane if I felt like I was hanging about waiting. It's a question of attitude. It's made me wonder how much that perception... of being in control or powerless... affects dynamics in all relationships. Like when you fall apart after a relationship ends (which I did in my earlier years)... is it that the relationship ended? or just that you got dumped and had the choice taken away...

 

And of course I'm making no sense lol.

 

I appreciate your posts. How are things turning out so far with the guy you met?

[PoshPrincess]

I appreciate your posts. How are things turning out so far with the guy you met?

 

I'd be interested to hear about that too, Newbby. Gives us all some hope and something else to think about.

 

Consternation, can't believe how hard this must be for you. I saw my MM in the car with W last night (first time I've ever seen them together) and it was hell. I felt physically sick all night with all sorts of things running through my mind. I still don't know where I stand with him but because we're doing the 'just mates' thing (a) I feel I have no right to ask him and (b) I don't want to go all serious because it will just rock the boat. I know things aren't any better between them but that doesn't mean he's going to leave. Ended up drinking last night for the first time in three days (longest i've gone in a year) but wouldn't let him get to me too much so only had one glass of wine. vg for me. Still smoking too much though. Going to have a good girls night out tonight and I'll hopefully meet some one who will sweep me off my feet and make me forget all about him. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't even want anyone else. No one compares to him. He's everything I've ever looked for in a bloke, although wasn't bargaining on a married one!

[Guest 2]

Consternation, as you can see I am another guest, but this is my first contribution to this thread. Like the other guests I too have direct experience of your predicament, and would like to chip in my pen'orth.

 

For heavens sake, engage your brain!! There is no way on God's earth that this man is going to leave his wife for you. The opportunity, which was only ever very, very slim, has passed. Life in his household will be totally focussed on him minimising the damage that he has done to his marriage. His wife will be in emotional shock, their relationship in meltdown. In all this misery do you honestly think that he is preparing himself to skip off into the sunset with the cause of all this grief? You are still under the illusion that your affair with him was a legitimate relationship, one that follows the normal rules of human social interaction. Well I am afraid that you are utterly mistaken.

 

I have extensively posted my 'take' on affairs elsewhere on this forum, but for you, and anyone else reading, here is the abridged version:

 

Affairs are a fantasy. They are, by their very nature, built on lies, deceipt and delusion. The lies are both within the affair, and outside, and need to be convincing in order for the affair to be credible to the involved parties. But the truth is that those within the affair are unable to distinguish between the lies they tell to maintain the secrecy of the affair, and those they tell to each other to keep the whole thing going.

 

Leaving aside the rather obvious question of what you think your MM has been getting out of the affair (the answer is rather obvious to those of us who have been down this well trodden path), do you really think that a relationship that has its roots in profound dishonesty can flourish into a meaningful and happy partnership? I suspect that, in your heart of hearts you know the answer. In truth only 4%, yes 4%, of adulterous relationships go on to become long term partnerships. Most of us would not bet on a horse with those odds.

 

So for your own sake, forget the whole thing ever happened. You have caused enough misery to one woman to, literally, last a lifetime. Married men are simply not a good bet, no matter what they tell you. I hope anyone else in a similar situation takes this message on board.

[consternation]

Oh get a grip. Save your propoganda for those susceptible to it, like the vulnerable and heartbroken.

 

Thanks for the laugh.