pregnancy and miscarriage??

[Guest]

Hi...I have been skulking around here for a while. I have been impressed by some of the genuine concern and care and the sound advice that is passed around. I think I have a problem that is pretty significant and am looking for some guidance if possible.

 

I have been with my BF for almost a year and while we are complete and total opposites I think our differences compliment one another in an extremely positive way. A month ago I found out that I was pregnant and while I was afraid and apprehensive in telling him the news I was blown away and totally impressed by his response. He was supportive and positive and happy. On Monday however we went to the hospital for an ultrasound and we were told some heartbreaking news - the fetus was not alive - for some unknown reason it had died. This was made further devestating when we were told that due to wait lists and such I had to wait for the procedure to remove the fetus until friday.

 

Needless to say the wait has been horrible and my BF and I have been fighting non stop. I know that I am mostly to blame - I am overly emotional and taking my anger and disappointment out on him. He, however has completely shut down. He says that he can't talk about it, he tells me that he is thinking nothing and that he can't be what I need him to be right now. We have not told anyone about this and have decided against telling anyone now. So I am feeling really isolated and alone.

 

So here is my question. Yesterday we had a huge blow out - I desperately needed to talk about what was happening and he refused - this turned into an all out yelling, screaming fight. Well he left and went home and then came back this morning. We went for coffee and again I tried to talk to him but he had even further retreated into himself. I told him that maybe we needed a break for a while and he said nothing then I said that I would let him know when it was all over on friday and again he said nothing. When he dropped me off at my place we were both crying but he made no attempt to reach out to me or say anything at all.

 

I haven't heard from him all day and now all night....do I assume it's over? Do I call him? I'm feeling really scared and alone right now but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is going to bail on me when times get tough. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Dez.

[RecordProducer]

Dez, the pressure of a dead baby inside you is huge. I just had an abortion today (I initially wanted to keep it, but I wasn't sure, but husband didn't want it and then I decided to abort it) and I can tell you I wanted the procedure done ASAP. Husband couldn't be with me today and asked me to postpone it for Saturday so he could be with me, but I couldn't have the baby inside me for 3 more days knowing that it will die. So your case is even worse, because the baby is already dead and you wanted it.

 

Naturally you want to talk about it. Men close up in their shells when they have a hard time. He wanted the baby too and his coping strategy is to try and not think about it. So as you said you're opposites, you have opposite ways to struggle with problems.

 

I can tell you one thing - after Friday you will feel much better. The baby died because something was wrong with it and nature eliminates the babies that are not able to survive. It's sad, but that's life. Your mother instinct is running through your veins right now and you feel much different than your BF, simply cuz he is a man.

 

Be around him, tel him to hold you, feel free to cry, but don't talk about it. There is really nothing to say, honey. This pain will go away and if you dwell on it too much you'll make it harder on both of you.

 

I don't understand why you have to hide this from everyone. Is there anything to be ashamed of? Why can't you tell your mom or his mom or your siblings (if any)?

 

I feel for you and wish you a fast recovery. You'll be fine and this will make you stronger.

[HokeyReligions]

Like RP said, men and women process these emotions differently. He needed support that you couldn't give, and you need support that he can't give. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship at all.

 

Is there someone - another woman that you can talk with? A close friend or family member may be able to help, but if not that, then call A family planning center or ask at the hospital if there is someone you can talk with - maybe a hospital chaplain.

 

You can't force your bf to open up about feelings he may not understand himself or be able to verbalize. He has to deal with this his own way, just as you do.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this now, but please don't assume anything. Stay apart for a few days if you must - and give your body time to heal and get your hormone levels back in check so that your emotions can stabalize and have a healthy cry. If you are worried about the relatioship, call him and just say "I love you. I want us to be OK. I will call you later when I'm feeling better" and leave it at that for a while. It's a bandaid - but bandaids help wounds heal.

[Sad_Dez]

Thank you so much RP and HR for your caring words and advice. It has really helped to be able to talk about my emotions, feelings and fears - even if I don't know you at all.

 

The reason we haven't told anyone is because we come from very religious families and an out of wedlock pregnancy would be viewed negatively (at best) and the loss may be even thrown in our faces as a consequence of our transgressions (sex before marriage) and I really don't think that I can deal with that right now.

 

As for my BF he did call last night really late and very upset. He said that he had done nothing but think about me all day and that he was calling to tell me that he loved me and he missed me. And HR your right about it being a band aid but I feel that we are beginning to heal already.

 

And RP my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. You seem like a very strong and intelligent woman. Best wishes and thank you again.