I feel like contacting MM (and I'm basically a little messed up)

[Adunaphel]

I feel like sending him an e-mail.

Or a private message on the website we both hang around in.

 

It's been five days we basically ignore each other (not even a hi via PM on the website, he did not show up in the website chatroom, and we were both online). Not that it is the first time that this happens.

 

I would like to hear from him so much.

 

It hurts. It is stupid and alogical.

 

He had a magnetic resonance image (MRI) scan for low back problems some time ago, and he should have gotten the results a couple of days ago. So he should know if he needs surgery. I would like to ask him about it, ask how he is doing.

But then I tell myself...you can ask him next time you see him in the darn chatroom.

 

I don't want to pursue him. I should be leaving him the **** alone.

 

Because he is married.

Because he has never given a crap about me anyway.

Because if I had played my cards well perhaps I could be his piece of ass on the side. And I didn't play my cards well.

Because you can't be so screwed up that you'd be happy to be someone's piece of ass on the side.

Because his wife (who must be a gorgeous woman and a great person) is 10 years younger than him, 10 years older than me, had a child with him when she was my age, got together with him when she was 20 or 21, even agreed not to get legally married and if you cheat on such a person "for fun" (or because you are in a mid-life crisis) when you don't even have problems with her, you look like the perfect couple, you get all the sex you want, you *love* her then you are one selfish bastard.

 

My thoughts are a bit incoherent, I guess.

(I like the word "incoherent".)

 

I could do with a little help.

Please someone remind me that sending him an email would be a very bad idea.

 

I was thinking to ask a friend of mine who has spent a day with both him and his wife at a sea location last year whether he has a picture of them together and he could show it to me. Perhaps it would be of some use. What do you think?

 

How do you get someone out of your system?

 

How do I prevent getting hurt too badly as soon as I see him with another OW/booty call/fwb?

[whichwayisup]

Don't do it! Stay strong!

 

If you contact him, the minute you hit send, you'll be filled with regret and possibly some pain. If he writes back, you'll probably feel good for like 2 minutes, then feel like crap. If he doesn't write you back, you'll be feeling hurt AND feel like crap.

 

Remember the reasons NOT to contact him.

 

He isn't worthy of your time! And, so what - If he needs surgery cuz of his back, he'll be OK. Try not to worry about him...Detach. That is what you must do and learn NOT to care, then what he does/thinks/feels won't matter to you at all.

[bluechocolate]

Please someone remind me that sending him an email would be a very bad idea.

 

It would be a very bad idea......

 

Because he is married.

Because he has never given a crap about you anyway.

Because you can't be so screwed up that you'd be happy to be someone's piece of ass on the side.

 

How do you get someone out of your system?

 

Stopping the chat-room chatter might be a start.

[Adunaphel]

WWIU,

Bluechocolate,

thank you so much.

 

I did not send the email/message and I'm not planning to send it later (and I'll be off to bed in 5 minutes to prevent the possibility that I change my mind if I linger in front of the computer long enough).

 

If I wrote to him I might not even get a reply, but he'd certainly get a clear "I'm pursuing you message". Which is exactly what I'd be doing.

 

 

Stopping the chat-room chatter might be a start.

 

I guess I'll have to stop sooner or later(the sooner, the better) - I would find it too difficult right now (for a number of reasons) but at least I'm no longer sticking all day around hoping to see him/talk to him.

I'm sure that if in the last days I had entered the chatroom on that stupid website and waited a little, I would have very probably got to talk with him.

Perhaps at least it is a little improvement. Or so I like to think.

[bluechocolate]

I guess I'll have to stop sooner or later(the sooner, the better) - I would find it too difficult right now (for a number of reasons)....

 

Like they say, there's no time like the present!

 

Buona notte.

[Walking away]

Purge him completely from your system.

 

It is the only way. For, if you let them linger around, they still have a shred of power over you.

 

Exorcise him from your life and your mind.

 

Peace.

 

WA

[grateful]

Adunaphel,

 

Thanks for writing this. I needed to read it. I'm not exactly in your same situation but your post helped me continue with my resolve to not call my former OM. He has texted and called recently after a few months of NC. And my mind went from, "hah! I'm not going to call him" to - "well.... I'm making this into a big deal if I don't call him." We never had a formal, 'let's NC,' talk but I took the period of silence as a gift. I was happy. And moving on to my life how I want it to be.

 

And then I get the text over the weekend and suddenly he is back to the forefront of my mind. And now the voicemail and it is making me crazy to realize that despite the fact the he is the one calling me, I bet that truthfully I'm putting way more energy into thinking about it than he is right now. I'd like to be the kind of person where he is so inconsequential to me that I don't have to take some big "I'm not calling him back" stance, know what I mean? But then that almost makes me think, I should just return his phonecall. But that's some sick head game I'm playing with myself. I'm not at a point where it doesn't matter to me and calling him would break my world of happiness that I've created from NC.

 

So anyway - - would you like to be my NC buddy? If I don't call, you don't email or message him? What do you say?

 

By the way, do you think you might need to leave the site you both hang out at? I've been happier avoiding OM. If you still get so tempted, perhaps you'll need to find another site... until you get to the point that it seems inconsequential to you.

 

Hugs!

[newbby]

give yourself a few more days. it doesnt take as long as you might think to get over him. try nlp techniques like making him small and grey in your mind. if he speaks make his voice small and pathetic. take his worst points and magnify them. feel proud of yourself that you are a woman who wont take his crap, and you are looking for better and more.

[Adunaphel]

Thank you again for the replies.

 

Grateful,

So anyway - - would you like to be my NC buddy? If I don't call, you don't email or message him? What do you say?

 

First of all, thank you for asking. I loved the idea, and I took time to ponder this over.

If I agreed I'd end up lying to you.

What about: if you don't call, I don't email him first or message him first, I don't stick around all day(or more than I normally would) the website we both hang around in hoping to see him, I don't ask him to see him/tell him I'd like to see him in person, I don't start flirting?

I know it's not much, but they are resolutions I can stick to (even if I find them very difficult).

 

By the way, do you think you might need to leave the site you both hang out at? I've been happier avoiding OM. If you still get so tempted, perhaps you'll need to find another site... until you get to the point that it seems inconsequential to you.

 

It would be hard. I am a moderator of the site(and also a regular), and most of my friends, and many "acquaintances that I see often or occasionally, that I enjoy spending non-internet time with", hang around in it too.

 

And I'd still hear about him from a few friends/acquaintances we have in common, or might see him occasionally.

 

Bluechocolate, Walking Away,

I won't take your advice - not for the time being - but I know that I should (and I hope I finally will in a while), and I really appreciate it. (--> I'm not being hypocrital, I mean it.) Thanks.

 

Newbby,

try nlp techniques like making him small and grey in your mind. if he speaks make his voice small and pathetic. take his worst points and magnify them. feel proud of yourself that you are a woman who wont take his crap, and you are looking for better and more.

thank you, it's a great idea.

I tried to do this months ago, and it helped - I have a feeling that it might be more effective this time.

I might start saving all our online conversations/messages/emails again (not that it would be a lot of stuff!) - expecially, or only, the ones where I found him unpleasant in one way or the other. And when he is not unpleasant, I can still do some nitpicking. I'm great at nitpicking when I'm speaking in my first language. I haven't been doing that in a while, but last time I did it it really helped. And you reminded me how useful it is to help to get something - or, expecially, *someone*, back into perspective.

[grateful]

Thank you again for the replies.

 

Grateful,

 

 

First of all, thank you for asking. I loved the idea, and I took time to ponder this over.

If I agreed I'd end up lying to you.

What about: if you don't call, I don't email him first or message him first, I don't stick around all day(or more than I normally would) the website we both hang around in hoping to see him, I don't ask him to see him/tell him I'd like to see him in person, I don't start flirting?

I know it's not much, but they are resolutions I can stick to (even if I find them very difficult).

 

Wonderful, you and I are on! Starting..... now!

 

I'm very impressed with your honesty in regards to ending up lying if we made the original agreement. So I'm going to tell the truth. I called him the day after I wrote that post. He had called again about an hour after I wrote it. Which is a time we never used to communicate and is a time when I don't usually receive a lot of phone calls... because I live with my SO, it started to feel dangerous. Then he texted me the next day with something like "so you aren't going to respond?" So I called and gently and politely (cause the man is crazy and I don't want him disrupting my life) told him why I would prefer not to talk to him. He acted very surprised (cause he's loony) and hurt but understanding (cause he is a manipulator - - as am I, I guess) but he seemed to agree to my wishes.

 

So now he is in my head again.

 

And I really do need our little pact.

 

I will have limited email access next week, so I will check in when I can, but I do resolve to not call him or return a call, text, or email. You hold me to that and I'll hold you to this: "I don't email him first or message him first, I don't stick around all day(or more than I normally would) the website we both hang around in hoping to see him, I don't ask him to see him/tell him I'd like to see him in person, I don't start flirting?"

 

 

It would be hard. I am a moderator of the site(and also a regular), and most of my friends, and many "acquaintances that I see often or occasionally, that I enjoy spending non-internet time with", hang around in it too.

 

And I'd still hear about him from a few friends/acquaintances we have in common, or might see him occasionally.

 

Woops, my suggestion was without the knowledge that this was a real-life community for you as well. I understand. Former OM and I hang out in the same social scene so I'll always know him at least distantly. I hear about him through friends, etc. I've been lucky lately because I haven't really had to see him because he hasn't felt very social. He sort of apologized to me for that during our phone call, like he should have been out to run into me more. Oddly I had said to him that not talking to him was good for me right now, so I followed up that apology with "the silence has been good for me. I've been happy."

 

Ugh!! I miss that happiness. Need to rebuild the silence. It will be easier in a few days.

 

It will be easier the next time I run into him or have to talk to him.

 

Just those thoughts make me happy.

 

I wish for both of us the same happiness that comes from the peace of knowing that a toxic relationship (or in my case a toxic relationship with a toxic person) is over and done with.

[Meaplus3]

I feel like sending him an e-mail.

Or a private message on the website we both hang around in.

 

It's been five days we basically ignore each other (not even a hi via PM on the website, he did not show up in the website chatroom, and we were both online). Not that it is the first time that this happens.

 

I would like to hear from him so much.

 

It hurts. It is stupid and alogical.

 

He had a magnetic resonance image (MRI) scan for low back problems some time ago, and he should have gotten the results a couple of days ago. So he should know if he needs surgery. I would like to ask him about it, ask how he is doing.

But then I tell myself...you can ask him next time you see him in the darn chatroom.

 

I don't want to pursue him. I should be leaving him the **** alone.

 

Because he is married.

Because he has never given a crap about me anyway.

Because if I had played my cards well perhaps I could be his piece of ass on the side. And I didn't play my cards well.

Because you can't be so screwed up that you'd be happy to be someone's piece of ass on the side.

Because his wife (who must be a gorgeous woman and a great person) is 10 years younger than him, 10 years older than me, had a child with him when she was my age, got together with him when she was 20 or 21, even agreed not to get legally married and if you cheat on such a person "for fun" (or because you are in a mid-life crisis) when you don't even have problems with her, you look like the perfect couple, you get all the sex you want, you *love* her then you are one selfish bastard.

 

My thoughts are a bit incoherent, I guess.

(I like the word "incoherent".)

 

I could do with a little help.

Please someone remind me that sending him an email would be a very bad idea.

 

I was thinking to ask a friend of mine who has spent a day with both him and his wife at a sea location last year whether he has a picture of them together and he could show it to me. Perhaps it would be of some use. What do you think?

 

How do you get someone out of your system?

 

How do I prevent getting hurt too badly as soon as I see him with another OW/booty call/fwb?

 

As you stated "why be someones piece of *** on the side"? You are better than that!! You deserve someone who will put you first! DON'T contact him cause if you do it will make it all that much harder to STOP the A. Good luck. Stay Strong.

 

AP:)

[newbby]

 

Newbby,

 

thank you, it's a great idea.

I tried to do this months ago, and it helped - I have a feeling that it might be more effective this time.

I might start saving all our online conversations/messages/emails again (not that it would be a lot of stuff!) - expecially, or only, the ones where I found him unpleasant in one way or the other. And when he is not unpleasant, I can still do some nitpicking. I'm great at nitpicking when I'm speaking in my first language. I haven't been doing that in a while, but last time I did it it really helped. And you reminded me how useful it is to help to get something - or, expecially, *someone*, back into perspective.

 

it works! if you do it often enough. very recently i saw him and realised it was true. i dont know if he was good looking when i met him and has changed in appearance or if its just my opinion of him has changed, but i was surprised at how unnattractive i found him. in retrospect, this had happened quite often over the last year or so, either how he looked or things he said, but i didnt want to let it go, fear of not having it anymore or something...

[Adunaphel]

So now he is in my head again.

 

Yet, you handled the phone call correctly.

It would be great if he really took your wishes seriously, but from what you said about him I guess it would be hoping for a little too much.

 

He is the guy you talked about in the first thread you posted on loveshack, right?

I would be very curious to know what it is that you find most attractive in him.

 

And I really do need our little pact.

 

I will have limited email access next week, so I will check in when I can, but I do resolve to not call him or return a call, text, or email. You hold me to that and I'll hold you to this: "I don't email him first or message him first, I don't stick around all day(or more than I normally would) the website we both hang around in hoping to see him, I don't ask him to see him/tell him I'd like to see him in person, I don't start flirting?"

 

We have a deal.

 

hey, this "being no-contact buddies" thing is totally new to me, but it sounds really cool!

 

 

I wish for both of us the same happiness that comes from the peace of knowing that a toxic relationship (or in my case a toxic relationship with a toxic person) is over and done with.

 

Let's also hope that we can have that kind of happiness soon.

 

Answerplease37,

thank you. I should be *really* remembering that.

 

Newbby,

it works! if you do it often enough. very recently i saw him and realised it was true. i dont know if he was good looking when i met him and has changed in appearance or if its just my opinion of him has changed, but i was surprised at how unnattractive i found him. in retrospect, this had happened quite often over the last year or so, either how he looked or things he said, but i didnt want to let it go, fear of not having it anymore or something...

your words are extremely encouraging.

 

I hope I will soon find my MM unattractive, too.

I remember that the last time i saw him in person (I was doing very good getting over him at the time, pity I didn't keep up) I managed at least to be objective about his looks. I realized that he was not *that* good looking, and I noticed that he was dressed like an idiot. And that he might have looked younger than his real age, but he was still in his mid-forties and with (in that moment) a 20-years-old attitude.

 

A little update.

I did *not* send him any PM or email but about a day after I posted here he contacted me via a private message on the web site.

He wrote me a silly line (a double entendre, but a stupid one - the kind that is supposed to make you laugh), to which I replied that he sent me the very same line some months before - funny to hear but it gets boring.

We exchanged a couple more very, very short PMs, and I seized the occasion to ask him about his back problems.

I admit I was stupidly happy to hear from him. It was just *very* little small talk, but I felt like smiling all day.

It's been two days since then, in which we didn't hear from each other.

Yesterday I managed to stay away from that website all day, though.

Right now I'm okay, I'm not even thinking too much about him, and I expect that he won't be online tomorrow (he hardly ever is online on saturday).

I wonder in which day exactly of the next week I will be in "I need to hear from him" mess again. But then, again, I might not.

 

In the first week-end of september, I could join some friends at a beach party at a sea resort some 200 km far from where I live - he'll be there, too. (He asked me to come some time ago, but I don't think he *really* cares much to see me there. It's just that he's one of the people who organized it. )

I said I could. But I won't.

I'd go *just* to see him. Which would be extremely unhealthy.

[newbby]

I hope I will soon find my MM unattractive, too.

I remember that the last time i saw him in person (I was doing very good getting over him at the time, pity I didn't keep up) I managed at least to be objective about his looks. I realized that he was not *that* good looking, and I noticed that he was dressed like an idiot. And that he might have looked younger than his real age, but he was still in his mid-forties and with (in that moment) a 20-years-old attitude.

these thoughts will become more frequent. there is only so long you can go on loving someone who treats you with disrespect.

[grateful]

Yet, you handled the phone call correctly.

It would be great if he really took your wishes seriously, but from what you said about him I guess it would be hoping for a little too much.

 

Wow, thanks. It's nice to get confirmation from outside my own head that that phone call was a good idea. It set me back to have to talk to him, but receiving calls, voicemails, and texts was already affecting me, so it was good to cut it off.

 

He is the guy you talked about in the first thread you posted on loveshack, right?

I would be very curious to know what it is that you find most attractive in him.

 

Thanks for asking - - I went back to that thread to see what I was thinking then. It helped to read how much worse off I was back then and to know I've made a lot of progress

 

What do I find most attractive in him?

 

He has charm and charisma to spare. He pursued me ferociously and I was flattered. His smile can make you melt. He is semi-"famous" [only within a small scene that I won't name in the interest of anonymity] and has groupies, but pursued me which made me feel special. He is known within the scene, by the insiders, to be more than a little crazy and liable to fly off the handle yet everyone he does this to manages to forgive him and still wants to know and be around him. I guess you could say I'm not the only one caught up by his charisma. I think everyone knows at least one of these kinds of people - - who can get away with anything because of their charm/charisma/mojo/power what-have-you.

 

One thing about your first post that inspired me to ask you to be my NC buddy was your description of him and all the ways he is bad for you. I could relate to that problem, of knowing someone is bad for you but not being able to get him out of your system.

 

I developed my infatuation for OM at a time when I was very self-destructive. He had been trying to get to me for a year before that, but his advances were totally inconsequential to me. Then I started feeling bad about myself and his flattery and flirting became a crutch. As we started to communicate it became clear that OM was a jerk, but that wasn't enough back then to stop me because I was being self-destructive. I'm feeling stronger about myself but the addiction is still hard to break.

We have a deal.

 

hey, this "being no-contact buddies" thing is totally new to me, but it sounds really cool!

 

 

 

I'm excited too! We can do this!

[Adunaphel]

I stuck to my "I'm not contacting him first" resolutions but I managed to mess things up....

 

On friday (8 days ago) I had some online conversation with MM ..at some point he mentioned jokingly (and in a rather tasteless way) the episode when we had oral sex (which was a long time ago), at which I asked him something like "are you mentioning it because you are interested in repeating it or just for the sake of being a jerk?".

He said in a teasing way that he was still interested, at which I replied that if he's interested perhaps he *could* get some.

In english it sounds worse than I actually said it - I basically sounded something like "I guess you *could* get some sex if you started acting nicely instead of being an *******" since I'm still very attracted to you".

Yet, I was an idiot. One of those exceptionally dumb moments.

 

Luckily he is not taking me seriously anymore, or so I think - it's a few months that he calls me "all talk and a badge" - which is very probably good for me.

 

On saturday he asked me whether I was going to a beach party he and some common friends and acquaintances were organizing some 200 km away from where I live... I aswered that I would not be going, because (idiot me) "I'd go there just to see you, and *no way* I'm taking the hassle to travel to the place and to spend money to get to a stupid party when you could be capable of ignoring me for the whole time".

He said, in a jokingly tone someting like "we can make a honest deal: I will have eyes only for you if you are letting me jump your bones".

I replied "if you wish to jump my bones, we can take the time to talk about it some other time" - not the smartest thing I could say, really.

But hey, if I were smart, I would have not even gotten into the conversation in the first place...

 

Since Sunday(last time I talked to him), we didn't talk with one another - I kept to my (partial) NC pact, I managed to resist the urge of contacting him first in any way, and I did not waste time hanging in the chatroom of the website we both are regular users of.

And I expecially stuck to my "thou shalt not go to that beach party" resolution. No. Effing. Way.

 

Ideally, it would not look that bad so far.

 

 

....problem is....

*sighs*

 

It's a few days I'm feeling rather worried/desperate/borderline to hysterical thinking that he will be hitting on other women at the party, and he might do so successfully. I am insanely jealous. Which is alogical and irrational. But it hurts.

In this very moment I feel like screaming.

 

The main reason I forbade myself to go to the beach party, which is supposed to be today(and this evening and night) is that I might do some very stupid things, like ending up having sex with him.

I'm stating the obvious, ain't I?

 

The interesting part is that, unlike some months ago, right now I am not turned on one bit by the idea of having sex with him. If I did it, it would be because of one of these reasons:

 

- I am still hoping to see him in the nice, charming mode once again. Like he was the day we first kissed. The reason why I never got completely over MM and still fall back for him from time to time is that I got so infatuated with his "charming, nice" side in that one single occasion and I never really understood why he changed his attitude after a while.

- I would be trying to 'buy' myself some time with him (it *does* sound bad).

- if I went to that party and was willing to have sex with him, he would probably not hit on other women. Not on this occasion, at least.

 

I must have some deep self-esteem issues because I'd rather risk getting hurt by having sex with him (why 'risk'? it's a sure thing that I would) than knowing that he is with another woman, and probably treating her nicely like he did with me a long time ago.

 

My biggest problem is that I hate the idea that he would not turn into a jerk with other OW like he did with me. Or that he might get *really*interested, or attached, to another OW.

 

If he was not the kind of guy who usually cheats around I would have completely forgotten about him a long time ago. heck, if he was not a serial cheater (or, anyway, someone who is wandering a lot in this period of his life) it would be so easy to get over him. Nothing would have probably even ever happened.

 

Then I think, if I feel *so*jealous and I'm not supposed to, because I'm *nothing* to him, how on earth would his wife feel if she had an idea of what an ass**** he is????

 

Sorry about the long, confused and redundant post. I just needed to vent, and I guess it's better to write a stupid, long post here than actually doing stupid things. I think the next few days will be tough.

[whichwayisup]

"we can make a honest deal: I will have eyes only for you if you are letting me jump your bones".

 

See, there's the truth of it. Just sex.

 

You have feelings and are caught up in it all, seems he isn't. It's just sex... Don't EVER be his "sex toy" as it won't mean to him what it will mean to you.

 

Keep going with the NC! He isn't worthy of your time, effort or anything!

[RealityCheck]

Adun......

 

If you are concerned about him hitting on other woman at a party,

Hell! Let them have him!! They would be doing you a favor!