ICS Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 I have not written here for a long time, but for those who know, I am still with the same girl as before. Things have been good-and they still arent so bad (with the exception of my girlfriend's emotional rollercaoster moodswings sometimes). We have been in this relationship on and off many times but now is our 4th year together. Now.. a little about her: -She was adopted and lives with foster parents, but recently she had gotten back in contact with her birth mom. -She had emotional problems in the past that led her to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and tried to hurt herself very badly twice. Since then she had gone to a rehab center for 11 weeks but she left during the 9th week. Now she is still on medication and her previous behaviour is not very prevalent mostly. Do I love her? I do, but maybe not for the right reasons or maybe not truly.. I don't really know. And why? When she used to be mentally ill, her best friends would often take her mood swings and depression as a sign of me mistreating her, and have since hated me and tried to wipe me from her life. I am not friends with them, and in fact, they probably deem me to be the crazy one instead. It bothers me to no end that they judge me this way and try to tear me apart from her. Her friends have destroyed my presents to her, influenced her into breaking up with me before, and destroying my prom picture with her, to name a few. I hate them. However, they are her family in a way, because her foster parents and her dont get along well at all, leading to lots of fights and emotional problems. But as anyone would know, the more serious I want to be with her, the more problems there are, because I cant envision a future with me, her, and her friends. And even so, I feel as though I always have to slot into her life, or leave. I have expressed to her how I felt about her befriending the very people who try to tear us apart. She dismisses my comments as unreasonable, as they dont try to tear us apart anymore (because she has kept us a secret from them). So right now, I dont even exist to her friends. But I cant feel but wonder what kind of future I can have with her with such people in her-and eventually my- life. She had told me that she wants to marry me in the future, and I feel I want to be with her too. But whenever I express my feelings towards her friends, she dismisses them and tells me that she'll not leave them for me- never. We had such a conversation tonight and she hung up on me. In a perfect world perhaps me and her friends could co-exist together, but not in this world I live in. Sometimes I feel as though I am worth less to her than her friends- even after thinking from her point of view.. that her friends are like her family. I am scared of the future and the wall that I might run into. I am scared and depressed and feel as though the one person who loves me most in this world doesnt really love me all that much. Is this the end? Can these problems be fixed? I don't want to make the wrong choice and walk down a sad and lonely world with sporadic depression. I hope someone here can help me.
Returning Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 A person with low functioning BPD will get on easier with people they have no emotional attachment to, be able to go out and have a ball. If they have an attachment, ie a bf, you will be in for a rough ride. The reason she get's on with them (her friends) is because they mean nothing to her.
farfromhome Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 All I can say is be very very careful with your BPD GF and know that the 'normal' rules of a relationship very much don't apply. Read up on some BPD literature, theres a lot online as well as good BPD forums where people have been very helpful to me (I am in a similar situation, see my post above). The most important thing is to be sure of what you yourself want, how you want things to be, and work towards that. Do your best to simply recognize her mood swings, manipulations, abuse as symptoms of a disease and not reflections on yourself or your actions (can get complicated). Is she in treatment? Medicated? These things help. Thing hard before getting married these type of relationships are very hard. Good luck.
Returning Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 This post by DeeBrod83 in another thread tells it how it is. Been through this same thing!! Bad mistake. It's hard to see the forest through the trees. You're still in it, so you can't see what you're doing to yourself and to her. If she wants to change things in her life, she's got to do it on her own. And you need someone you love AS IS! You can't ever think that you're going to change anything, that they'll grow out of habits, that living together/getting married/whatever is going to make it better.... you have to love the person they are, not the person you think they should be. And though the beginning is hell and having a broken heart sucks, and staying together/going back seems so much easier, you will realize when you meet someone who does make you happy just being the person they are naturally, what you've put yourself and her through. Just be the bigger person and move on.
Author ICS Posted September 10, 2006 Author Posted September 10, 2006 There is probably very little that I can do to make my relationship with her work. However, I tried- until two days ago. We saw each other that night and the very first moment she saw me, she complained about me deliberately missing her phone calls. She had to make sure that I wasn't lying to her, and so she called my cellphone right there and it received the calls she just made. On the basis of that, she told me I lied to her and checked my phone to see the call log. Obviously it did not show anything from her but the calls she just made, because I am guessing my phone had such poor reception at the time I received none of her calls. This also wasn't the first time she had trust issues and called me a liar who deliberately avoids her phone calls. But I let it slide after explaining myself to this ignorant and stubborn girl, all the while with a headache from the way she thinks of me, and also evoked many hurtful feelings from the past. Within the hour she gave me a few more complaints until finally I stopped to try to talk to her about how I felt. First quietly, and then finally I really let my anger show. Nevertheless, she kept her head turned away with her mouth shut- which undoubtely made me more upset. As much as I undertood why she behaved this way, it was really unacceptable. We went back to my apartment in hopes that we can discuss the problems in peace. One of the problems that bothered me alot in the recent years is her friends. Anyone that has been following my threads would know why this is so. I think she too knows that our future could only exist if her friends are not in it. And of course, like any other guy who is serious about their girl, I too want a future with her. I asked her if she could only have either me or her friends, who would she choose? Now I know her friends are like family to her, but they also unjustifiably hate me (without ever knowing me) because they believe that I am the source of my girlfriend's unhappiness, when in fact she has BPD. She told me that she would have her friends instead of me because she could always go to them when she needs someone, and because they love her even when they are fighting. I am sure it's self-understood what this meant for me, and what hope I have for our future is reduced to nil. Anyone would probably understand my situation and be upset and/or mad about it. And I was mad. I talked to her but all she tried to do was tell me that it's ok, that I shouldnt have to feel like that. But 10 mins later she decided to leave me alone and go onto my computer to do her own thing. This made me pretty furious. She told me I was being rude and violent and then left my apartment, saying that I would eventually hit her if she doesn't leave. She also said that she loves herself more now and wishes that I seek help from a therapist, and then darted off. It's really incredible that all those things happened in such a short time. Equally incredible was her real feelings towards me and our relationship. I broke down and thought about all the time we've spent together, the pain she has inflicted on my life, and all the times I have taken her back to think that we still have another chance. And then I look at the aftermath of the storm that I am doing two more years of university because of some failed courses from the extremely emotionaly wrenchig time she gave me. But not this time, I want to live a normal life. I can't get back into this demonic roller coaster ride with her- not if I want to stay sane. But everytime it always reverts back to her. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
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