newbby Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 hello all i have met a sg and its so refreshing it is so nice to be treated nicely and with respect. even those ow who consider they have a good relationship with mm, if he is lying to you, he isnt respecting you. sorry, but it wasnt until getting some objectivity on things and dating a normal guy that i realised just how bad things were. i know i worked through some things with exmm, mostly realising what i wanted in a relationship really. i was able to use that knowledge to go for the kind of person i wanted to be with, and i found a good one . i really hope that all of you use the relationship with your mm to find out what you want. i hope you move on from the relationship, and really, once you are out of it, you will wonder why you hung around. it is just stress! i cant tell you enough how lovely it is to have this honesty, normality and respect. its not dramatic, it doesnt feel so romantic as it felt first with mm, but its just NICE, and NOT STRESSFUL. i used to read posts from other ow who had moved on and found new relationships and i just didnt think it would happen for me. i realised i was limiting myself, why shouldn't it happen for me? i then made sure i went out and got it. it is ONLY you keeping yourselves in these relationships. i hope this post might be helpful to some of you.
BenThereDunThat Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Yay for you, Newbby! That's wonderful news. You are right. If the only good thing that comes out of an A, it's that we should use the experience to gain strength and never settle for anything less than what we want and deserve. (((Hugs!)))
PoshPrincess Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Well done N, am SO happy for you. It gives all us OWs some hope, doesn't it? It's not that I don't think I will meet someone else and be happy again, more like at the moment I'm really not ready either to get involved with someone or to trust someone. I knew from the start that my MM was married,as others did, but I feel so scared that I will meet someone, get to like them and then find out three months down the line that there is a wife or gf at home. Also, I suppose I'm still holding out for MM to be all mine one day. Sad, I know. Anyway N, I hope this relationship is good for you (sounds like it so far) and even if he doesn't turn out to be 'the one' and doesn't float your boat at least you know you can do it. This is the start of the rest of your life! Good on ya!
Author newbby Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 thankyou both. pp i have to say, perhaps you are conducting your relationships in the wrong order. i had several dates with sg before getting physical, i also made sure i knew everything about him. i know people who know him very well, i have met his family. i made sure i trusted him before getting involved. i can certainly understand this, as in the past i have not taken enough time to get to know somebody. i think what happens is that generally women with low self esteem dont wait long enough before getting physical. they seem to think that the physical is all they have to offer. this only results in relationships where they are used, and of course further knocks their self esteem. another plus with waiting is that you know that the person is appreciating you for you. it isnt neccessarily a time frame, and if you are a person who takes awhile to trust someone, you may need longer before sleeping with him. i hope this helps you. your fear of only meeting mm is irrational, unless you have a habit of going for unavailable men, in which case, realise this, and change yourself. sometimes it is as simple as realising that you have been living with a certain attitude or opinion of yourself, usually its time you outgrew it, and usually you are limiting yourself. i hope this helps you.
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Newbby, that is great! And your advice for OW is good too! Glad you found someone special!
Ladyjane14 Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Excellent news! I'm soooo pleased to hear it. I have a friend who's recently divorced and she's just met someone new. She's finding it amazing how nice it is to be treated so well. Her sitch is a little different, but still.... the similarity is there, in that she's experiencing some positives after having gone through so much that was negative. The way she described it is much like what you've described. For the first time in a long time, she's seeing what a BIG difference caring and respect can make.
norajane Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Congratulations, N! That's wonderful news - I wish you all the best and much happiness. Out of curiousity, if you think back to the beginning of your A and compare it to now, do you feel differently about yourself?
Author newbby Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Congratulations, N! That's wonderful news - I wish you all the best and much happiness. Out of curiousity, if you think back to the beginning of your A and compare it to now, do you feel differently about yourself? definetly. i feel so different about myself. i was a wreck when i met mm. i dont think i could have gotten out of that state without time. its not as though i was completely confident and happy when i met sg, but i made a choice to not limit myself, and went for the best there was. i could not have done that at the time i met mm, and i sympathise with anybody who is going through that. in this case, just keep working on yourselves, even if it feels you never get anywhere but forwards and bacwards. maybe dont even leave the situation with mm until you are ready. i know many will disagree with me here, but i dont care. i knew this through the last year or so with mm, i wasnt yet where i needed to be, and for a time the relationship served a purpose. it is when the stress is outweighing the positives that you need to get out, and if you are still with him after that, then you are only limiting yourself.
PoshPrincess Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 thankyou both. pp i have to say, perhaps you are conducting your relationships in the wrong order. i had several dates with sg before getting physical, i also made sure i knew everything about him. i know people who know him very well, i have met his family. i made sure i trusted him before getting involved. i can certainly understand this, as in the past i have not taken enough time to get to know somebody. i think what happens is that generally women with low self esteem dont wait long enough before getting physical. they seem to think that the physical is all they have to offer. this only results in relationships where they are used, and of course further knocks their self esteem. another plus with waiting is that you know that the person is appreciating you for you. it isnt neccessarily a time frame, and if you are a person who takes awhile to trust someone, you may need longer before sleeping with him. i hope this helps you. your fear of only meeting mm is irrational, unless you have a habit of going for unavailable men, in which case, realise this, and change yourself. sometimes it is as simple as realising that you have been living with a certain attitude or opinion of yourself, usually its time you outgrew it, and usually you are limiting yourself. i hope this helps you. Thanks Newbby, I do have a bit of a habit of falling for unavailable men. When I was in my early 20s I went through a few married/attached boyfriends but never fell in love with any of them (or maybe they never fell in love with me so it enabled me to detach myself emotionally). After the age of 23 I didn't have another relationship like this till I met my MM 11 years later. I was with the father of my son for 8 years and never satisfied so I obviously have a bit of an issue with wanting that first flush of love and then getting bored when things settle down. I am currently having councelling to deal with this in the hope I don't get myself into this situation ever again as this time I DID fall in love and the after effects have left me feeling like s**t. As for getting physical early on, yes, I did used to be like that but not with MM. We didn't sleep together for six months which was good as at least I always knew he wasn't using me for sex. Sometimes though I wish it had just been about that - that he'd never told me he loved me - then I would never have got hurt. Thanks for your advice. Hopefully I will be where you are before very long. You sound like you've got your head screwed on
Author newbby Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 the trouble with mm is that whilst it feels like a real relationship, it just isnt. it doesnt matter that you waited so long before having sex with him, because you still had sex with him before he had really earned your trust. i am just kind of guessing here, so forgive me if i am wrong. of course he remains exciting and also independent, he seems like a real man doesnt he? he gives you your space. the trouble is, that all of these things are only a result of him being married. someone said to me once, that perhaps i just hadnt met the right man yet. i dismissed this, as i had met quite a few. i realised that not only had i not met the right man, but i wasnt in the right frame of mind to meet the right man for me. perhaps you are too dependent on your relationships for happiness? if the majority of the time you are getting your needs met by yourself, then this wont happen, this leaves you with a lot more clearsightedness when looking for a relationship. i think it is also important to decide that you want a relationship, rather than thinking you can be an island. it is fine to be an island, but if deep down its not really what you want, then you will always end up falling into relationships, and usually with unavailable men who seem to fit into what you have convinced yourself you want. this is all just a guess, because it is how i felt too. btw, the thing i like about sg, is that he really is content in his own life, and he gives me alot of space. this is also about respect. when i think back to mm, i got the space, but it was still all on his terms, so it was not the equivalent of respect for my space, although it mimicked it. this was the main attraction. it was also about equal demands. he would not demand from me or expect from me, what he did not want to offer himself. therefore, his apparent respect for my space, was only a reflection of what he had to offer me (not alot of time). these are all illusions, and give you a sense of it being a perfect relationship. it really isnt.
norajane Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 he would not demand from me or expect from me, what he did not want to offer himself When I think back to my MM phase, I realize it was all about this. I might finish the sentence differently from the way you did: he would not demand from me or expect from me, what I could not expect or accept from him and what I could not offer to him. For me, falling for unavailable men was all about me not being able or truly ready to give of myself completely to anyone...so it was much easier to be with someone who could never ask me for or expect everything.
Author newbby Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 ah yes nora jane, interesting. yes, it was the same for me aswell. it usually works both ways, very few get involved in a non committal relationship unless they want it really. of course there are so many things going on at once.
TheDiva Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 When I think back to my MM phase, I realize it was all about this. I might finish the sentence differently from the way you did: he would not demand from me or expect from me, what I could not expect or accept from him and what I could not offer to him. For me, falling for unavailable men was all about me not being able or truly ready to give of myself completely to anyone...so it was much easier to be with someone who could never ask me for or expect everything.[/QUOTE] Norajane...you hit that nail right on the head! The only thing I would change about the bolded part is men to man. Other than that, if I weren't married, I would blow it up and frame it in a poster and hang it on my wall! Just to remind me of how I got into that situation and most importantly to remind me to never compromise my self-esteem like that again! Newbby- you have come so far in such a short amount of time. Keep up the good work. May the sg sitch work out exactly like you want to, whatever that may ultimately end up being.
erika2610 Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 hello all i have met a sg and its so refreshing it is so nice to be treated nicely and with respect. even those ow who consider they have a good relationship with mm, if he is lying to you, he isnt respecting you. sorry, but it wasnt until getting some objectivity on things and dating a normal guy that i realised just how bad things were. i know i worked through some things with exmm, mostly realising what i wanted in a relationship really. i was able to use that knowledge to go for the kind of person i wanted to be with, and i found a good one . i really hope that all of you use the relationship with your mm to find out what you want. i hope you move on from the relationship, and really, once you are out of it, you will wonder why you hung around. it is just stress! i cant tell you enough how lovely it is to have this honesty, normality and respect. its not dramatic, it doesnt feel so romantic as it felt first with mm, but its just NICE, and NOT STRESSFUL. i used to read posts from other ow who had moved on and found new relationships and i just didnt think it would happen for me. i realised i was limiting myself, why shouldn't it happen for me? i then made sure i went out and got it. it is ONLY you keeping yourselves in these relationships. i hope this post might be helpful to some of you. Hey Charlie! I haven't been around for a while. Dang, sometimes I feel like a newbie. I just wanted to say congrats! After all you went through, you to be happy with somebody who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
Author newbby Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 hey erika!! thankyou, i hope you have found a nice sg too??
erika2610 Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 hey erika!! thankyou, i hope you have found a nice sg too?? Not yet. But I'm patient, and I can wait for my prince.
erika2610 Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 LOL, good for you!! However, next month marks my 3 year EX status from the MM. I think I'll celebrate.
Author newbby Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 omg 3 years!! are you over it? LOL
erika2610 Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 omg 3 years!! are you over it? LOL Sweetie - I'm totally over it. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to be with another MM. I used to have the urge to call him all the time. not anymore. I think that's why I don't come to this forum much anymore. I don't know - it's kinda like my patience wears thin lately. I know I use to be there myself, but it's like I don't indentify with OW anymore. And I'm so so glad that you found a single man. Especially after all you went through. :::hugs:::
Author newbby Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 well, you may not be able to identify, but you can still empathise....
erika2610 Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 well, you may not be able to identify, but you can still empathise.... Oh, no doubt about that.
PoshPrincess Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Newbby, thanks I can see where you're coming from and before I got involved with my MM I would've agreed with you as I have had the same issues in the past re fear of commitment. However, my previous partner of 8 years and father of my son always gave me space. We had a very relaxed relationship (and by that I don't mean an 'open' relationship), we mainly did our own thing and trusted each other 100 per cent but I still wasn't happy in the end. I guess maybe I'm just a total head case!!! As for excitement with my MM - I wouldn't say that. All I have wanted is to share my life with him and have a straighforward relationship. I love him more than anything and want him, even with all the hassles that I know would go with it if he ever left. Now that his kids know about our A they would most definitely resent me at the very least and it's possible that some of his family would feel the same, who knows? All I know is that if him and W do split I want to be there for him whatever, even if we're never going to be together. I just hate seeing him this unhappy. Yep, and reading back on this I know I sound like a total mug but can't help the way I feel about him. I would give anything to either turn the clock back or else be hypnotised to forget he ever existed.
PoshPrincess Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Newbby, thanks. I can totally see where you're coming from and I have always thought I was a bit of a commitment-phobe. Not sure that space comes into it though as my last partner of 8 years and father of my son gave me all the space I needed and at the end of the day it still wasn't enough. More like I am an excitement junky (or possibly just f***ed in the head!) Speaking of excitement, that is definitely not what I am getting (or ever got) out of the relationship with my MM. We were friends first and then fell for each other big time but I was never totally happy with the situation. I want to share my whole life with him and have never felt like that about anyone before. That's why I have never been able to commit to marrying someone but this time I know I could be with him forever. This is the only time I have thought "My God, I can't imagine my life without this man!" Then again, you coud say that's because he isn't mine and I am sure you will ask me would I still want him if I could have him. That's something I may never know. He is EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in a man. I never expected to find this or to feel this way. I thought I was going to end up as someone who is never satisfied with what I've got; always thinking that the grass is greener. I just know that with all the s**t that's going on I still want to be around him, even though we don't have a relationship anymore. I still want to be there for him and help him through this even though I know that he could decide to stay with W. I just hate seeing him so unhappy. Reading back on this I know I sound like a total mug/doormat, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel!
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