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Am I normal, just different or need a psychologist?


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Posted

How's it goin everyone? I've got a bit of a beef that I wanna express, any comments and advice is much appreciated.

 

Anyway, I'm 20 turnin 21 next year and I'm a virgin. I've chosen to retain my virginity the times I've had a chance to lose it and while I mostly find nothing wrong with that, I'm surrounded by friends (and some family) that have a completely different mindset compared to me.

 

I live in Australia and basically over here, there is a large masculinity issue between us guys. We compete in sports, ruff each other up, you know, the whole testosorone thing but when we talk about the opposite sex in a group convo, it usually ends up with me being blunt, telling the truth and being proud of it and then everyone crowding in on me with statements such as

 

god, how could you last so long

don't you have a set

what are you, gay

 

I mean, these are all jokes and I take them all in good humour. None of it is meant to be offensive but it rests in the back of my mind that you know, the issue of fitting in and not being like every other guy out there.

 

On my 20th birthday, my best buddies set up a get together for us, we got drunk etc and somewhere throughout the night, they showed me my "present". They all put in money to hire a prostitute to help me celebrate my 20th(while I was without a gf). Let's just say that even drunk, I wasn't too pleased, the night ended awkwardly when I went in the room, talked to her, tell her I wasn't gonna do it, walked out, told the boys, they got pissed off for their money being wasted (rightfully so, I'd be pissed in their situation too) etc

 

Now, I'm still friends with these guys, they got over it eventually and we do stuff again as we once did, we put it all behind us and we're still all good mates.

 

My choice to preserve my virginity has affected me in other ways as well. My girlfriend eventually got sick of my choice to preserve my virginity and eventually confronted me about it. She said some pretty hurtful things and they've created their own place in the back of my mind about my choice.

 

I've had other chances at other parties to "score" but these girls have been drunk at the time which being one reason I wouldn't touch them and some others, I've just kinda simply, turned down, once again, they weren't impressed.

 

My question is, is it wrong for me to be so protective about my virginity and should I just "get it over and done with"? I mean, I've read a few topics from some women on these forums about issues with their virginity and ppl have said it was their choice but does that go same for a guy? I remember reading another topic with someone expressing their opinion in a form of a question, "who needs a guy that doesn't want sex?" Eh, I'm tired and this post must be pretty muddled but I think I got my point across.

 

The issue of virginity and waiting till ready vs Masculinity and Acceptance of society

 

Last thing I wanna include is my best mate once came up to me and asked me if I had done the deed with this girl at a certain party, I said no, not interested, turned her down, he said, maaaaaaaaan, come on, all I wanna do is give ya a big hug, hell, I lost mine when I was 16. Good to know my friends care but maybe I'd like it if they didn't care as much as they do.

Posted

To thine own self be true.

Posted

Well said superconductor.

 

Okay, I have a couple of questions (asked in the most understanding tone of course) ...

 

Why exactly are you not ready? Are they religious reasons? Waiting for the elusive 'one'?

 

You seem to be firm with your friends, and yourself, so why exactly are you so troubled about your decision?

  • Author
Posted

Although I am slightly religious (I'm christian), it rarely affects my life and religious values are low on my list of considerations. Waiting for the elusive one? Hmmm, possibly, it's always nice to think of your life as a fairytale with a fairytale ending. I dunno, it hasn't really been something I've really thought about as to why I'm not ready, I just know that I'm not, I guess it's more of a subconscious thing. Some people have referred to me before as an old soul.

 

I'm troubled by my decision simply because altho I'm firm, it is hard when you look around at the society you live in and you see that one of its highest values is sex. Kids at lower ages are engaging in sex, some people are driven by sex and can't live without it, most if not all relationships these days seem mostly driven by sex, simply the love or enjoying the company of the opposite sex isn't enough. I mean, as a guy, if you tell another guy you gave up sex simply because you didn't want it, they'll look at you dumbfound as if, what's wrong with this guy? When masculinity between males comes into play, the issue becomes a big thing. People may think of a guy as a wuss or someone who has issues etc if he doesn't fit the mold. That's why I'm slightly troubled.

 

I'm just kinda thinking about if it's normal and I'm just one of a kind or maybe I should get some issues worked out. I mean, I destroyed my last relationship because quite simply, I wasn't fulfilling my gf sexually. She knows I loved her and all but I guess it's just the expectation of, hey, he's a guy, he'll take sex in an instant if given the chance, I dunno, I'm rambling here...

Posted

is it wrong for me to be so protective about my virginity and should I just "get it over and done with"?

 

nope, because that's what makes you YOU – if you're not ready (mentally, physically, or for whatever reason), that's your business and no one else's. And people should respect your decision, even if they don't understand it.

 

in college, my cross to bear was drinking. Everyone else did, but I rarely did. Mostly because I don't care for the taste of beer (yuck), didn't really have the money to piss away on drinking, and I figured I could have just as much fun without as they did with. And with the exception of the folks at the campus paper, my friends kept pressuring me to the point where I'd finally have to be rude about my choice ... over and over. Finally i used the designated driver card, and that worked, because they could do as they pleased but not have to worry about getting home safely.

 

so, you're going to encounter a lot of resistance, you've just got to be creative about it. Maybe tell them as soon as you decide/have "done it," they'll be the first to know, otherwise they don't need to worry about these things. Or, lol, tell them you're waiting to bag someone really really awesome like Elle McPherson (one of the loveliest models ever, IMHO, and a likeable actress to boot!) ... I think they'd appreciate such high asperations! Or, merely ask them why its so dang important to them what your sexual status is, and why it seems to bother them more than it does you that you remain virginal – that might lead to some understanding on their end.

 

don't let it bug you, and don't do something you're not interested in doing just yet simply because you're tired of the yammering of others. Because, as SC points out, you've got to be true to yourself.

Posted

I'm just kinda thinking about if it's normal and I'm just one of a kind or maybe I should get some issues worked out. I mean, I destroyed my last relationship because quite simply, I wasn't fulfilling my gf sexually. She knows I loved her and all but I guess it's just the expectation of, hey, he's a guy, he'll take sex in an instant if given the chance, I dunno, I'm rambling here...

 

sounds like you've reached a point of maturity that takes some men all of their lives to find, and you should be proud of that. I understand your GF not being happy about the no-sex thing, but if she knew up front your reasons for chastity, she cannot complain much about being blindsided by anything except her expectations. Not being mean here, just that sometimes those expectations make things more difficult on a relationship than need be.

 

I don't think you have issues, per se, just are very, very mature in your outlook of who you plan to share your body with, and why. You'll know when the time's right, and when it happens you won't be sorry you jumped into something you didn't want.

 

sex is overrated in the sense that it's thrown in your face by media outlets like movies and television, by advertising, hell it's even rampant in modern literature, and after awhile, it gets boring having to suffer through the stupidity that depicts it.

 

in reality, it's the most beautiful thing that can happen between a couple, because it connects them on a whole other level. Mindless screwing is way different in that getting off is the goal, not the connection. And once you distinguish this, it's hard to make the move from one camp to the other without serious thought about what's happening in your psyche.

  • Author
Posted

Most of my buddies lost their virginity at a young age, you know, 15 or 16, I guess that's why they feel the need to push me over the edge knowing I'm 20 turning 21 and haven't lost it. Altho, do you consider it weird for a guy to be 20 and still a virgin? I know some women that didn't lose theirs till they were 23 or so but to tell you the truth, I don't really know any guys who lost theirs past 20 :p

Posted

a male 20 yoa virgin strange? Curious, maybe, but if I got to know you in real life and understood that this is a personal lifestyle decision, I'd respect it and not bug you about it. Live and let live, right? But, I'm not a 20-something guy, so my outlook's going to be different!

 

for the record, I've never given peer pressure much of my attention because it was important for me to be an independent thinker at that age.

Posted

No it isn't 'weird'.

 

You sound very sweet.

 

I need to ask, (feel free to not answer), are your hormones still functioning properly? :p a.k.a Do you get an erection, and do you do something about it? Haha, do you masturbate is what I am getting at :laugh:

 

If you are physically "normal"I really don't see a problem here :) You will make a lucky woman very happy one day Starr!

Posted

exactly! It's not like he's swearing off sex or can't function (I'm presuming things here), but that he's opted to wait for the right occasion. And that shouldn't be so hard to fathom, even for a horny 20-something guy!

  • Author
Posted

Yeah, I do occasionally but I have a slightly unique mindset surrounding it. Forgive me if it sounds strange but I masturbate so I don't my mind doesn't waste energy by thinking about sex. I find I get a lot more university work done and play sports better when the testosorone is as far away from my brain as possible.:laugh: So I'm virtually saying I do it so I can focus on more important things rather than the orgasm associated with it. Does that sound like a mature, logical person talking?:p

 

On another note, Pink Amulet, I notice it says you are a journalist, is it a fun job? Just interested since I'm studying a law of journalism unit myself at university. Same to you quankanne, says you are a writer, fun? God knows I've written enough essays at university to fill a pool ;)

Posted
Well said superconductor.

The thanks belongs to William Shakespeare. It's his quote, from Hamlet, I think.

Posted

No, it isn't fun. It is an under-appreciated, under-paid, arduous, and at times traumatic profession. However, I can honeslty say, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else :D

 

I work in broadcast so I am constantly on the move. I am always working, even when I am at home! If I meet someone, I think "can I do a profile piece on this person?" If I am listening to people in a supermarket line I begin to ponder "if this is important enough for them to talk about... I should investigate". If I drive past a group of people, I stop, "is there a story here?" A journos job is never done! Our minds are always ticking...

 

I am also studying part time. Journalism with a major in communication law! How are you liking it?

 

"Journalism can never be silent: that is its greatest virtue and its greatest fault. It must speak, and speak immediately, while the echoes of wonder, the claims of triumph and the signs of horror are still in the air."

-Henry Grunwald

Posted
The thanks belongs to William Shakespeare. It's his quote, from Hamlet, I think.

 

Yes! I just thought you used it quite well in this context. I always appreciate a bit of Shakespeare wisdom!

 

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man"

-William Shakespeare

 

Take heed this advice.

 

Also, masturbation for release rather than pleasure is very common!

  • Author
Posted

Yeah, I spent 2 years at TAFE studying law covering heaps of stuff including negligence and other journalism orientated principles such as trespass and what is legal to present in the papers etc ;)

 

Finished that and now doin law at uni over here where low and behold, I have to do a unit solely dedicated to law regarding journalists and journalism in general

 

Pretty good, the workload is a @$%*& but nothin I can't handle :laugh: Just lots of researching, database filtering, referencing, writing etc:p How do you put up with a job such as yours and parttime uni, stressful yeah?

Posted

If I meet someone, I think "can I do a profile piece on this person?"

 

lol, good to hear someone else looks at people as fodder for stories :D :D

 

also am a journalist, print media is my background. I've worked for small and mid-sized papers here in Texas, then got on with the Catholic newspaper here in my area. It pays less than its secular counterpart (which isn't much to begin with), but the conditions are much better, I think – very family-oriented, reasonable work hours, ample time to develop stories, focuses on one aspect in each and every story (evangelization). Secular work was pretty cool, esp. covering the fire and police beats because I got to meet a lot of good people, but the negativity became wearisome. Here, our goal is to "continue the mission of the Lord Jesus," as a former bishop called it, the guidelines are pretty clear-cut so there's no constant second-guessing about right and wrong or protocol about stories. The absolute best part is meeting all the people in the field and developing working relationships with them. I think the hardest part about secular journalism is having to keep that professional distance from your source, because I tend to be more family-oriented and do the opposite ...

 

I have to do a unit solely dedicated to law regarding journalists and journalism in general

 

might be interesting to compare how different fields of journalism view the law and ethics in their work (secular V. nonsecular, print V. broadcast V. public affairs – which relies a lot on journalism skills in promoting an entity – etc). While the end results of their work, as is the training to do that work, is similar, the outlook is way, way different.

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