justice Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 You all know my story from my postings a while ago. I've been so busy that I've not had much time to write but I check in from time to time because everyone here has been so good to me. I've missed this board so much. Life now has become alot more simplified and somewhat more comfortable for me. My h and I are working on alot of issues but there are still times when I am in a vast amount of pain and still discovering things that I didn't know or didn't suspect. The other day I was cleaning out his truck for him, detailing it and making it nice for him as a gift of sorts. This is a toyota truck and as I was cleaning out the little compartments under the back seats I found three condoms and it sent me right back to square one because it made me feel hurt and betrayed all over again. I got so upset I ended up puking my guts out and my nerves were just terrible. I think the long range effects of my husband's affair are going to be with me for quite some time yet. I can't explain the hurt that I felt on finding those. I, literally could not speak what I was feeling and when he came home, all I could do was throw them at him even though I knew that his A had ended for good. I still suffer from bouts of doubt and depression even though he is trying really hard. The councellor who is also a shrink put me on anti depressants and I don't really think they are helping that much. My H's affair has affected me in many ways. I used to be so confident, now I am very self concious and look at myself and wonder if I should change my image, ie; do I look old, do I look as ugly as I feel? Overall, I still feel so much anger and rage that this happened. I'm mad at him for bringing her into our lives, mad because he lied and mad because he hurt me so deeply. I think I get mad because of the pain I feel. Or it makes me madder anyway because it was an unnecessary situation. He is being supportive and understanding. Everything he is supposed to be, he is. Some days it is hard for me to go to work and leave him alone, afraid that this will happen again. At times I am a literal wreck of human misery even though I try not to be. I still don't feel the trust that I once had. Sometimes, I just want to hit the road and never look back, but that would be the easy way out and I've always been strong so I continue on. It's so hard though when you wake up and the first thought on your mind is your H and his OW. As written before the OW broke the restraining order we took out against her. That time she got what I considered a slap on the wrist for breaking it. The second time she was not as lucky. Yes, she broke it again!!! This time she is doing hard jail time for coming after me when I got off of work, she didn't have the weapon on her when arrested, but it was in her vehicle so the intent was there. I'm relieved that she won't be out and able to hurt or torment me anymore. Now though the only person I need to worry about is myself and dealing with these feelings. And somehow, that is not as easy as dealing with the crazed OW in our case. The OW's here have been very nice to me, I wish if I had to have an OW that she could've been like the ones here who have given me so much insight. Does anyone know how I should deal with the things that are coming to the surface? These are the things like the condoms that he forgot or neglected to tell me about or to get rid of. And how do I deal with the shaky feelings I get of doubt and insecurity? The rage is the worst though. Any thoughts?
Ripples Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Justice, as I'm such a newbie, I don't know your story and I don't have any solutions (<insert_deity_of_choice> knows, I wish I did), but wanted to say look after yourself. Pamper yourself, read that book, see that film, spend hours on the phone with your best friend, buy that dress, get a makeover, do some exercise, eat healthy. Concentrate on making sure you're ok first. It's not selfish, it's common sense. Once you're ok, physically and mentally, you'll be able to cope more easily with the pain and your relationship will benefit too. Either way, I kinda know what you're going through (((hugs)))
Author justice Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Thanks I appreciate that so much!!! I've been living a nightmare that never ends. Or at least thats how it feels...
superconductor Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Ripples is right, but I'd like to add one word of caution here, if I may: Spending your way out of this (such as buying the new outfit, etc.) may feel good for the moment, but when the bill arrives you'll only feel worse. Now, the only reason I mention this is because I have seen this happen before, when one or the other spouse tries to assuage their bad feelings by cluttering up their lives by buying heaps of stuff that they really don't need or want. And nothing is improved by trying to spend your way to distraction. As far as the rest of her advice - eat healthier, exercise, take a long walk in the park, etc. - it's all good.
Author justice Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Thanks. I've really not been doing anything to make me feel better except for breathing and spending time talking with my kids online. As for eating, I only eat small quantities at intervals throughout the day. Any more than that and it comes back on me because of nerves. Thanks!! Clothes are not my thing. Collectible camaros, yes. I am working on a 92 RS 25th anniversary edition camaro right now. My love and my hobby does help a little, I try applying my anger in positive ways.
Ripples Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 That nightmare *will* end. Honestly. Try to focus on that, as hard as it is. And baby steps, each day at a time. I guess SC is right, over spending isn't a good solution, <oops> but hey, for that instant pick me up, once in a while, it could help. Now where's that credit card bill..........
Walking away Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 I am so sorry for your continued pain. I wish there was a magic pill everyone could take to get rid of all the awful feelings we must endure. I think it takes time. I, too, have been betrayed, but I am not a BS. I was the OW. My pain was NOTHING compared to what you are enduring. I pray for peace for you. You didn't deserve this pain. You are grieving. Allow yourself to go through the steps. I know it sucks. But know that many have walked in your shoes and have come out on the other side healthier and stronger. You will too. Hugs to you... WA
BenThereDunThat Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Justice - my heart goes out to you! I echo WA's sentiments completely: I am so sorry for your continued pain. I wish there was a magic pill everyone could take to get rid of all the awful feelings we must endure. I think it takes time. I, too, have been betrayed, but I am not a BS. I was the OW. My pain was NOTHING compared to what you are enduring. I pray for peace for you. You didn't deserve this pain. You are grieving. Allow yourself to go through the steps. I know it sucks. But know that many have walked in your shoes and have come out on the other side healthier and stronger. You will too. Hugs to you... WA I know you'll get through this. And we'll help any way we can! Even if it's just to "listen".
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Smiles at you. I thought you might like to know that I went to the auto parts store yesterday and spent about 600 dollars on some replacement parts for my camaro that I'd been putting off. And you were right, that felt damn good!! Shoulda seen H's face when he came home and I was installing the parts!!
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 You are so sweet to me. I wish there were more people like you.
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 I got to thinking about what you said and went yesterday to the auto parts store and bought about six hundred dollars worth of auto parts I had been needing. But I'd been putting it off because of cost. Decided a little pampering was just what this recipe called for. It made me feel good. You shoulda seen h's face though when he got home and I was installing those parts!!! Cost of parts:600$...Cost of look on H's face: Priceless...smiles at you and thanks you.
Ripples Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Well, that's pretty cool! It's even better that your H sees you doing what *you* want to do, he'll respect you more for it. But remember, like SC says, don't overspend, if you do, that *wouldn't* be looking after yourself! I was thinking of you last night, and I thought of something else, I don't know if it'll work for you, but something that works for me is that thing Alcoholics Anonymous say "fake it until you make it". If you're feeling pretty low, pretend you're happy. If you're feeling vulnerable, pretend you're strong. If you're feeling like you don't know what to do next, pretend you're in control of your life. If you're feeling unattractive, pretend you're the sexiest, most intelligent, most beautiful, most adventurous, most incredible woman to walk this earth. The more you pretend, the easier it gets to actually feel that way and nothing, but nothing that you find to do with this little, pathetic, silly A your H had, will ever be able to touch you and make you feel bad again.
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Thanks so much, that is something that I've been trying to do too, it's hard at times but somehow I think I'm going to pull through this one way or another. Do you have yahoo messenger? I'd love to talk to you just let me know who you are if you add me.
superconductor Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 As usual, Ripples has got it right on the money. The "fake it until you make it" strategy is tried and true. There's something else, though, that I'd encourage you to consider. It's called "future pacing." Essentially, it's deciding upon what kind of future you wish to have, then breaking it down into smaller, manageable bits, and setting small, do-able goals that are time- and results-based. For instance, let's say that you want a new, more fulfilling job in, oh, a year. Then, define the job. Define the skills you'll need to get the job. Define the place you need to attend to get the skills. Define the specific coursework. Define the tuition amounts. Define the start/end dates. Define a day/time when you're going to apply, etc. etc. In short, it's like climbing a mountain, or running a marathon. Taken as an end unto itself, it's almost too much to comprehend. But taken one step at a time makes it realistic and do-able. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Thanks Superconductor, I'm adding you to my buddy list, well, you and Ripples. This is something I'm doing a bit each day. I already have a career so thats pretty much set. But I do have some definate goals, right now the one I'm working on is to either leave him or to try and work it out and stay. I'm pretty much kinda torn on this because I don't know if I'll ever relearn or recapture the trust that seems to be so lost. Thanks.
silktricks Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Justice, keep on plugging. The pain WILL reduce and actually even pretty much disappear with time. But it does take a lot of it (time that is). Keep on doing what you like, take good care of yourself each day. Let your husband see that you are doing better and taking care of yourself. Think hard about what you want, and then follow it. Don't think of your marriage as a failure, though, just because something went wrong in it. How many of us have "failed" at something and picked ourselves up to become the best at that same thing? Often it's the errors that we make that teach us the lessons we most need - maybe it's that way with your husband, too. I'm glad the OW is out of your life now. Is there any way you folks could move before she gets out of prison? You can hope that she'll get over everything while in there, but I wouldn't count on prison improving her disposition. Best of luck to you. Also, a word of caution. LS can be a very helpful site, but at times it can also be very difficult to read about situations that have similarities to your own. Sometimes it is hard to separate out your experience from other people's similar experiences, so take care, and god (or whomever) bless.
Ripples Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Thanks so much, that is something that I've been trying to do too, it's hard at times but somehow I think I'm going to pull through this one way or another. Do you have yahoo messenger? I'd love to talk to you just let me know who you are if you add me. Aww, I'm sorry, my IM client doesn't like Yahoo
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Thanks Silk. I really appreciate it. I come here now because it really helps to talk to all of you and to hear things from both sides of the fence. On moving we are looking at a place about a day's drive from here where I am from. I'm so relieved that she is out of the picture. It was literally driving me crazy having her doing all of that stuff, each incident was like finding out about the A all over again.
Author justice Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 I'm sorry too. I would have loved to have had a new friend on yahoo to talk to. LOL such is life!!
Ripples Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 Best of luck to you. Also, a word of caution. LS can be a very helpful site, but at times it can also be very difficult to read about situations that have similarities to your own. Sometimes it is hard to separate out your experience from other people's similar experiences, so take care, and god (or whomever) bless. Did I speak out of turn? Did I give bad advice? As a newbie, I'd like to know if I did.
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