13 yr old daughters boyfriend

[JaneInVegas]

I'd trade the terrible 2's for the thrashing 13's any day of the week.

 

First of all, my daughter has been very good friends with Zak since the 5th grade. They finally decided to call it boyfriend/girlfriend just less than a year ago. I've always been very fond of Zak, he seems like a great kid.

 

His personal life at home got a shake down, and Zak started to change a lot. My daughter has kept it all in stride, knowing that the 'real' Zak was still inside somewhere.

 

Granted, they are both just 13 years old, and this is like 'training wheels' for them. But Zak started behaving very differently. Puberty at it's best, I suppose. He had a girl come over and spend the night at his place, (complete with his mother's consent) and had the audacity to tell my daughter they were just 'friends'. Obviously this broke her heart. They broke up. Zak called within 2 days, bawling his eyes out, saying he'd made a mistake. She took him back. A few weeks later he spends the night at the same girls house and again insists they're just friends. And by the way - when did parents start letting early puberty kids start spending the night together???

 

I wrote this all off to kids being kids, monitored it pretty close, threw in an opinion from time to time, but pretty much just let my daughter learn on her own. However, very recently I have discovered some very disturbing things about Zak and his family.

 

1) He calls his mother (natural mother) by her first name, Amy - to her face. He calls his step-dad 'Dad', even though he moved out of the house several months ago.

 

2) His mother, Amy, is a hard core aethiest, and has deeply ingrained this into her son. He has convinced my daughter there is no God, and this has caused me much anguish.

 

3) Amy allows Zak to cuss freely in front of her, no words are forbidden.

 

4) Said Amy has a bad eating disorder (bulemia) and has TAUGHT her son how to vomit to lose weight. He was a normal, healthy weight, and is just now starting to look unhealthy. Amy is proud of her son ... Zak is happy and proud that 'Amy' has shown him the error of his ways.

 

5) Zak told me, to my face, verbatim, "I don't believe that Mary was a virgin. It's impossible for a woman to get pregnant without a guys d*** going up inside her."

 

6) Zak said if you're not white, you're not worthy of breathing air. He said he hates Mormons, "but at least they all spit out *white* brats."

 

7) Last but not least, Amy has a new boyfriend, who she spends all of her free time with, at HIS house. This leaves Zak and his little brother (8, I think) to fend for themselves with microwaves and frozen dinners, and staying up as late as they like. Zak stays up all night on MySpace, cooking up more drama for himself and my daughter.

 

Sorry this is so long ...

 

This seemingly sweet kid did a 180. My daughter is convinced she can 'save' him and bring back the old Zak. I have tried to wean her off him before he influences her anymore, but it's really hard because they have been friends for a long time, and she really cares about him a lot. At first I took the tough approach and came just short of forbidding him from ever talking to her again, but it was obvious from the beginning I was just shoving her away and making her more rebellious to me.

 

WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO ??? It sickens me to see her with this kid that has totally gotten out of control. I just want to hug her and protect her from the world, but obviously she has gotten too big for that!

[quankanne]

if it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, team up with your daughter (who sounds like a wonderful friend to an ungrateful but possibly troubled little shxt) and set the standard for the kid.

 

have him over, but set rules: No talking religion if it means he's planning on being rude or offensive about it – there's a way of making your point without having to be crude or obnoxious about it. That he's to be respectful of y'all, manners and all, when he's with you. That he is welcome to eat with you, but you expect him to think things through about yakking his guts up after you've graciously provided his little butt a homecooked meal. And stuff of that nature.

 

13 is an awkward age, but I know for a fact that they still respond to rules and discipline because those represent a sense of security. And no matter how cool his mom may seem right now, he wants and needs that sense of security. I have this on authority from my niece, who admitted this when she was about your daughter's age and my sister didn't really set up any rules for them!

 

good luck, and keep us posted. I have the feeling that you may be the only connection to sanity the kid may have, considering that he's known you and your family for so long ...

[Citizen Erased]

I really do not see anything which you can do rather then be there and support her. She is only 13 and you could argue with her, rant and rave until you are blue in the face and she will stay with him. It is better that she feels she doesn't have to go behind your back to do so. Trust me. I remember when I was 13. I thought I could take on the world. That my first boyfriend was perfect and we would live happily ever after, have lots of babbies and win the lottery.

 

From the sounds of it, this boy is very impressionable and his mother does not appear to be the best of influences. I am horrified to hear that he is racist, is obviously knowledgeable about sex etc. But honestly you have to give your daughter more credit. She is only 13 but she already has the mind of a woman. She will realise that this idiot is not the person for her. Either that or she will have eye contact with another cute boy, a little flirting and will dump her current boyfiend for him. She will then cry over him, move on until she finishes school (a long way off that however!) and eventually marry some day. It is how life works. You will not always agree with her choice in boyfriend but you can be assured that she will in the end make the right decision.

 

She will wake up, probably some day soon and realise that she cannot save him. You can't teach her all of life's lessons, she has to learn them herself. Just be there for her when she cries her heart out and rest assured she will move on. The teenaged mind i very fleeting.

[JaneInVegas]

Thanks for your encouragement - it's hard to not just charge in like a bull when I get frustrated.

 

Things have changed just a little bit. Zak lives on the opposite side of town from us. One way is about a 15 mile drive. Normally I haven't minded the drive, but when gas started hitting $3 a gallon I suddenly didn't like being the car pool anymore. Robin's dad refuses to make the commute for them. Absolutely refuses. He can't stand Zak and refuses to be a party to their relationship. Amy now doesn't want any part of it anymore, and refuses to bring Zak over to our side of the town. Apparently we are too 'normal' for her or something, I have no idea.

 

So ... it comes down to me. If Robin and Zak want to spend any time together, it 100% of the time falls on me to drive across town to pick Zak up, spend money at the mall, movies, etc., or ... drive back to my apartment and let them hang out for awhile, and then drive Zak back home again. My budget is stretched as it is, and I feel it's fair for someone else to pitch in. It's been hard for me to pick up Zak, with a sweet smiling face, and drive a total of 60 miles every time they want to get together. If they had it their way, I would do that almost every night of the week. Lately it's been once a week, and Robin has been mad and miserable.

 

So I guess my question is ... should I be obligated to do this, say more than once a week? Shouldn't they be content to talk on the phone and wrack up online time IM'ing with each other? They talk obsessively with each other through MySpace and IM's. Robin is trying to lay a huge guilt trip on me, saying I think her needs aren't important enough to me to do this 'one little thing' for her.

 

I'd give anything to be able to just wash my hands of the whole entire situation.

[RecordProducer]

He has convinced my daughter there is no God

It seems that he has been using some legitimate arguments in defending his theories and altering her mind such as:

 

"I don't believe that Mary was a virgin. It's impossible for a woman to get pregnant without a guys d*** going up inside her."

You can do the same by explaining to her how evil it is to be a racist, how low class it is to use ugly language, how destructive his behavior and eating habits may be, and how he will probably end up.

 

She won't listen carefully, but you will inject some sense in her mind that will prevent her from going too far.

 

Watch for drugs and don't trust this Zak! If necessary, forbid her to visit him. He can come to your house where you can have control over it. Let her know that you will make her do the drug test if you only get suspicious about Zak doing drugs.

 

Your strategy for saving your daughter should be to make her realize that she doesn't need a boy like him in her life and that he will always drag her down to the bottom together with him.

 

But most importantly, you have to be and stay her best friend at any point! If you betray her, you've lost her.

[Fun2BMe]

This seemingly sweet kid did a 180. My daughter is convinced she can 'save' him and bring back the old Zak.

 

WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO ???

 

There's a bigger chance he will change her to be exactly like him, than there is for her to 'save' him and change him. Soon she will start calling you Jane instead of mom. Tell her that he is not being honest and faithful, that he is sleeping around with that other girl who spends the night at his house, that for the time being she should not associate with him, that it is not her job to chagne him when it is impossible to do so. She will be setting herself up to follow his path and turn into a belemic sexually active prepubesent athesist with no respect for parents.

[HokeyReligions]

What a terrible situation. Sadly I think its time to let your little girl grow up in a big way and get her the adult information she needs to know. Are there any health museums around that can help educate her? Talk to her teachers and school counselor (maybe Zak's too and tell them your concerns) and help her to take responsibility for her own actions and needs - if she needs a drive then maybe she needs to mow a yard or two for gas money - that kind of thing. Schools often have teaching aids for parents to help with things like this - books, movies, etc. Watch her grades carefully - if she slows down it could well be his influence. Do they go to the same school? It's normal at their age to rebel, but its up to you what you allow. If she wants her navel pierced say yes and make sure its done right and healthy - that sort of thing. But don't allow sleepovers or her to be alone with Zak, make sure you are there or there are other adults whom you trust to chaperone them. Even if it means spending more money on gas - better that than risk her doing something she's not ready for. Do you go to church? Maybe the minister can help - don't let her slide on that if church is part of your family. Talk to the minister about the influence Zak is having on her. Maybe invite Zak to church too. If he mouth's off there maybe another adult can have some influence on him. Religion or not, manners - consideration - and respect for others needs to be reinforced a lot right now. Don't allow that kind of language in your home and tell him why. Talk to your daughter about her own values and how you can help support them - arm her with the words she needs to refuse drugs or alcohol or smoking or sex when she does find herself in a situation where she feels pressured and embarassed and other kids make fun of her - taunting her to try something she doesn't want to do, but doesn't know how to get out of without losing face in front of her so-called friends. Telling her that those who would pressure her are not really her friends doesn't cut it. She needs words and phrases that she can realistically use.

 

I practiced some of those things with my own daughter and son and it was embarassing for us a little at first, but we kept practicing and making adjustments and it got to be a fun game all the while it was reinforcing for them that it was their choice and they had confidence to stand by their choice. We also had one fall-back and that was me. I told them that if they ever got into a spot where they were not comfortable backing out - or were afraid - to use me as an excuse. Tell their 'friends' no because they were already on my bad side from something else they got caught doing and that I could be a horror and they needed to avoid that because there was something they wanted from me. IOW make it seem like they were cool and were manipulating me.

[Guest]

She's 13! For the love of Pete, if you don't like they way Zack is acting or affecting her, kick him to the curb! He lives far enough away where he should not be a problem. She'll be upset about it? Of course she will, but facing disappointment is all part of growing up. She want's a belly piercing and you don't? The answer is simple. FORBID IT! You need to get a grip on the parenting role and throttle back on your daughter before SHE starts calling all the shots instead of YOU. She sounds like a good kid, and ALL kids want stuff that's not acceptable for them at their age. It's only natural. It's your job as a parent to take back control, say "no", structure her life, and make decisions that are in her best interests.

[JaneInVegas]

She's 13! For the love of Pete, if you don't like they way Zack is acting or affecting her, kick him to the curb!

 

It's your job as a parent to take back control, say "no", structure her life, and make decisions that are in her best interests.

 

 

I disagree, and it seems as though everyone else who has responded would disagree, also. She's exactly at that age where forcing her into decisions is going to make her very rebellious, and I would end up having all my efforts blow up in my face ... along with our relationship.

 

She needs to learn some Life Lessons on her own, I can't learn them for her. And it's all a mute point now, anyway. Zak finally (mercifully) dumped her.

[Guest]

I disagree, and it seems as though everyone else who has responded would disagree, also. She's exactly at that age where forcing her into decisions is going to make her very rebellious, and I would end up having all my efforts blow up in my face ... along with our relationship.

 

She needs to learn some Life Lessons on her own, I can't learn them for her. And it's all a mute point now, anyway. Zak finally (mercifully) dumped her.

 

Of course. My opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. As a parent, it's your choice and ultimately your responsibility. You have to do what you think best. We will just respectfully agree to diagree. Good luck!

[JaneInVegas]

Well, it finally happened ... thank gawd.

 

Zak dumped Robin, so he could ... quote ... "play the field".

 

What kind of a field is there for a 13 year old to play? ... a soccer field?

 

The first day was very, very hard for her. The next day she seemed just pensive, didn't say too much. But thank goodness Day 3 she was almost back to 100% the daughter I had before Zak took his left turn into the weeds. Thank God! We laughed and joked around, talked about silly things from a long, long time ago, and we felt healed again. It was good, very very good. To cap things off, we drove by a house where she used to live. It was where she & her dad used to live with his girlfriend. She had been a horrible, terrible step-mother and verbally abused my little girl. It's been long enough ago that it doesn't hurt her anymore, and we can laugh our butts off at the stupid things Karen used to say and do. So I told her, "You think your life sucks right now? Remember THOSE days?!" and we laughed and laughed about it. It felt good, it felt right, and I'm glad the ugly Zak days are over with.

 

Thank you so much everyone for your support!

[Fun2BMe]

That is great news. I'm glad he did the dirty work for you so you don't end up looking like the bad one. He was bad news and the last person your daughter needs in her life right now when she is so impressionable.

[audmc911]

Wow! I came on this site because I am having problems with my 15-year-old! Okay, so your daughter is 13 and in 8th grade? She's not even in high school yet, right? Well, get ready for a bang-up year as a freshman! First off - she's too young to have a boyfriend; forget Zak and his family and their problems. You and your daughter need to focus on yourselves. Yes, you can forbid her to see him and no - I do not ever ever allow boys to sleep at my house! As for the eating disorder - get counselling - and the aetheist stuff! My daughter has been in Catholic school since 7th grade and it transformed her. There's nothing better than a child who realizes that every they do - god is watching and it makes them think before acting. I recommend counselling. Now, I'm going to post my problem!

[audmc911]

I agree with you - boundaries and rules are so important - you need to take the bull by the horns and forbid behaviour that you find unacceptable. No tattoos, belly piercings, any piercings, etc. or whatever...Yes, they will rebel, but they need the discipline.