Separated Soon To Be Divorced

[flowerpot]

Thanks sup,

I'm hanging in there. I'm with the kids tonight . I'm a lucky man,except the one ingredient is missing from the family. I miss that!!! But i know I can't change it. I must be strong for them,and I will.

It's hard to believe 6 months have passed, and the divorce will be final next Friday. I guess it will be a relief when it's done,then I can move on with dignity knowing I have done the right thing. Also knowing I have earned respect from the kids by not going around whoring around with whoever I could find to pass the time or to get back at my wife.

Read post.. read post..

[Gunny376]

And, man did I ever ride their ass about things.

 

The difference between being stupid and ignorant is when your ignorant you just don't know any better, but stupid? That's another ballgame! Stupid is when you know better, but do or don't do someting you've should have or shouldn't have done.

 

Before all of this went down with you, you like I were ignorant. If we let it go down like this again, then were stupid. Its one thing to be ignorant to where you just didn't know any better, its another to be stupid. And, if a person is or has got to be stupid ~ for the Love of God don't make it worse by not owning up to the conseuences of it.

 

It takes two to make it, and only one to break it. You need to keep telling yourself that.

 

And, you're absolutely right ~ your wife took the easy way out! But, you know what? I seriously doubt that the old boy she's tagged up with or tags up with has the wherewithall, to make her happy, and to satisfy her. My money's on the horse that says he's never heard of Love Shack, MarriageBuilders, the List of 32, "The Five Languages of Love" or even has a clue about what emotional needs are.

 

What you've done FP is you've taken a negative and you're turning it into a positive. You're learning and growing from the experience, and you can pass that own to your children, (drop the "step" those are your kids, man! They're a part of you, and you're a part of them and they're lives, and what is all the more they want and need you to be a part of they're lives)

 

Happy Birthday 21st birthday! (I tell people I'm 21! I've 28 years practice at being 21! LOL!)

[flowerpot]

Hey Gunny, I think I'm a year older than you. I just want yo say thanks for all of the advice you have given me.

I am at war right now with myself & this situation.

It's a comfort and an honor to have a military man in my corner.

Gunny, Lor, Imln,Ladyjane,Sup & all the rest. Thanks.

I may have lost the battle,but I'm not going to lose the war!!

FP

[Sup]

Hey Gunny, I think I'm a year older than you. I just want yo say thanks for all of the advice you have given me.

I am at war right now with myself & this situation.

It's a comfort and an honor to have a military man in my corner.

Gunny, Lor, Imln,Ladyjane,Sup & all the rest. Thanks.

I may have lost the battle,but I'm not going to lose the war!!

FP

 

WHO says you lost the battle? You havn't gone crazy, or anything, Just hang in there. God will help you.

[Ladyjane14]

I am at war right now with myself & this situation.

 

There's nothing to be "at war" over. You did the best you could, and you can't make choices for others anyway... Choose healing for yourself instead.

 

You can't let a decision that someone else made DEFINE who you are in your life. Put all this behind you and get reaquainted with YOU.

[flowerpot]

WHO says you lost the battle? You havn't gone crazy, or anything, Just hang in there. God will help you.

Thanks Sup,

There are times that I feel like I'm slipping. I have lost some weight and I'm getting sleep these days, thanks to Gunny suggesting melatonin. I must say it does work.

I visited my inlaws today, we had a good time. It was great to see my brother & sister inlaw also.

As I was getting ready to leave, I went to shake my father inlaws hand, he said" that's not going to do"& gave me a hug & told me he loves me. Man I felt like the luckiest man on earth!

Come to think of it, I am.

I know God will be there for me.I believe He has a plan.What it is,I don't really know.I believe this is a test.As it is written,the quality of gold is tested by the heat of the fire.

And I'll tell you, I've felt the heat for 6 months!!!!

I pray every day that something good will come out of this.

Take care Sup, thanks again!!!!! FP

[Gunny376]

Is you've placed your value as an individual, as a person, as man based upon the opnion of one person ~ your wife.

 

Excuse me? She's not exactally a canidate for sainthood. Certainly not for the role of the Messiah. If she was, the Pope would be on line five wanting to talk to her.

 

You've done a lot and you've accomplished a lot ~ more than most people in this life have. Your "children" love you, your IL's love you ~ that says a lot Dude!

 

So you screwed up, in that you didn't know about "emotional needs" and you busted your ass to provide for your wife, and children.

 

The only thing you or I are guilty of is not in maintaing "balance" between our roles as husband, father, provider, lover, etc. (Fill in the blank_______________)

 

First off, you've got to quit beating yourself up! You did the best that you could at the time, with the knowledge and expereince that you had at the time! Granted your eyes have been made wide open! Hindsight is 20/20.

 

If I knew now at 18, instead of 49, I'd would be a millioniaire in South Beach.

 

Quit beating yourself up! There's a bunch of people just waiting outside your front door, more than willing to do the job for you ~ just to see the look on your face! I know because I've done it for years!

[flowerpot]

Is you've placed your value as an individual, as a person, as man based upon the opnion of one person ~ your wife.

 

Excuse me? She's not exactally a canidate for sainthood. Certainly not for the role of the Messiah. If she was, the Pope would be on line five wanting to talk to her.

 

You've done a lot and you've accomplished a lot ~ more than most people in this life have. Your "children" love you, your IL's love you ~ that says a lot Dude!

 

So you screwed up, in that you didn't know about "emotional needs" and you busted your ass to provide for your wife, and children.

 

The only thing you or I are guilty of is not in maintaing "balance" between our roles as husband, father, provider, lover, etc. (Fill in the blank_______________)

 

First off, you've got to quit beating yourself up! You did the best that you could at the time, with the knowledge and expereince that you had at the time! Granted your eyes have been made wide open! Hindsight is 20/20.

 

If I knew now at 18, instead of 49, I'd would be a millioniaire in South Beach.

 

Quit beating yourself up! There's a bunch of people just waiting outside your front door, more than willing to do the job for you ~ just to see the look on your face! I know because I've done it for years!

Thanke Gunny,

I do believe that I tend to take her oppinions to much at heart.

Sometimes the things she says to me leave me speachless. Like the time she told me that I was smarter,better looking,and better in bed than the OM, but that he wanted to be with her. Well hell, so did I!!

I guess sho knows the right things to say to make me feel like crap.

Thanks again!!

[Gunny376]

Oh! Hell No!

 

Forget her! She's not going to appreciate what she's had until she's lost it!

 

I'm all about fullfilling an woman's "emotional needs" and about reading, learing, and growing, and setting aside my "culturalization and socialization" BS.

 

I'm all about learning and growing! I'm an open book with blank pages!

 

You're 5X5! You're good to go!

 

You're Righteous FP! You're righteous!

[flowerpot]

Oh! Hell No!

 

Forget her! She's not going to appreciate what she's had until she's lost it!

 

I'm all about fullfilling an woman's "emotional needs" and about reading, learing, and growing, and setting aside my "culturalization and socialization" BS.

 

I'm all about learning and growing! I'm an open book with blank pages!

 

You're 5X5! You're good to go!

 

You're Righteous FP! You're righteous!

Thanks Gunny,

I know all about appreciation,and knowing what I've lost.

Life is a learning expierience, I have always tried to learn from others. This one however will be one not to forget!!!

By the way. I can be a little ignorant sometimes. What the hell does 5 by5 mean?

Thanks again, Your pretty righteous too!

[Gunny376]

is a military/radio term meaning you're coming in "loud and clear" Also said "5 by 5", the law enforcement equivalent of "10-4"

[flowerpot]

There's nothing to be "at war" over. You did the best you could, and you can't make choices for others anyway... Choose healing for yourself instead.

 

You can't let a decision that someone else made DEFINE who you are in your life. Put all this behind you and get reaquainted with YOU.

 

Hey Ladyjane,

I thank you for the post.I guess I'm at war with myself because I'm trying to get through this. I've done it on my own,the hard way! By myself, not with someone to distract me from what's really going on in my life I know I need to grow( thats what my wife told me that we both need to do!) and I am. Like you & gunny have told me , I can't define ME from my STBXW'S perspective.

I'm still struggling with what will be come Friday. I've been told yhat It's just the legal pert of the marriage not the emotional part.

Thanks, FP

[Lor]

Like the time she told me that I was smarter,better looking,and better in bed than the OM, but that he wanted to be with her.

 

Oh, that is so sweet....comparing the two of you. Gee, and you want her back why? omg, if my stbX told me all that but that he'd rather be with OW than me I'd tell him exactly how to get there, taking a slight detour thru hell first.

 

.......Oh yeah, that's right, he did tell me that. How's hell, honey? :lmao:

 

FP, you have so much going for you! As she said, your smart, we'll take your word for better looking and the better in bed part , a hardworker, loyal, and we've already seen what a wonderful and concerned father you are. Don't lose sight of any of that!

[flowerpot]

Oh, that is so sweet....comparing the two of you. Gee, and you want her back why? omg, if my stbX told me all that but that he'd rather be with OW than me I'd tell him exactly how to get there, taking a slight detour thru hell first.

 

.......Oh yeah, that's right, he did tell me that. How's hell, honey? :lmao:

 

FP, you have so much going for you! As she said, your smart, we'll take your word for better looking and the better in bed part , a hardworker, loyal, and we've already seen what a wonderful and concerned father you are. Don't lose sight of any of that!

 

 

Thanks Lor,

I know I'm smarter than the O.M.,I'll just have to take my STBXW's word on the other two.

 

I know that I took her for granted and her comments were probably out of anger & frustration. It seems to me that getting her diggs in, makes her feel better. I guess?

 

In time these things wont bother me. Dating other women is going to feel so strange after 15 years.

I can't get out of my mind that I could have avoided this whole thing. I know hindsight is 20/20. but damn it , I still feel terrible for this............

Thanks for the possitive vibes!!!!

[Lor]

Yeah, she is trying to get her digs in, any little way she can. It's petty, it's childish but they seem to like to do it anyway. Don't let it get to you, don't take them to heart and don't read too much into it.

 

Hindsight is 20/20....so use that in the future. You know what you're faults are, you know what you could have done better and now you know you need to change those aspects of your life. My new sweetheart says that part of the reason his ex may have cheated on him was due to his working 100 hrs a week. Maybe but still no excuse imo. As a result, he doesn't do work that much anymore. and you know what? I get to reap the benefits from his having learned that....hence the hindsight. Me? I wasn't able to communicate my feelings and wants. Now? I lay it all out and hold nothing back, communicating, affection...and he gets all that and more from me.

 

Anyone who has gone thru what we've gone thru and not come out a better person, a more rounded person, a more compassionate, caring and understanding partner in another relationship is sad because there is always so much to be learned from this kind of heartache.

 

Dating after 15 years is very scary. But you don't have to rush into it or look for it. Just have fun and learn to enjoy someone's company. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there wishing for a guy like you.

[flowerpot]

Lor,

 

Thanks for those kind words. I love the kids very much. I say kids now on LS ( Gunny advised me to drop the STEP) and he's probably right

The oldest told me the other night that "You are our dad for all that you have done for us" That really ment alot.

Right now I'm here with my grand daughter, watching her while on my lunch hour. She is a sweetie!! I try to help the kids as much as possible,since my wife is M.I.A. most of the time during these issues.

 

 

Speaking of dating & applying what I've learned these past 6 months.To bad we can't get another chance for us & the family. I read on another post about unconditional love. Is that what we are to do as a person, fogiving our spouse for something they have done, no matter what?

But I know adultry is the big A-BOMB!!

I try to look at I it this way. If I did the same thing, would I want to be forgiven!!!

:Forgive us,as we forgive those who tresspass against us:( The Lords prayer)

Thanks Lor!! FP

[Lor]

( Gunny advised me to drop the STEP) and he's probably right

 

oh heavens, don't let Gunny hear you say he's right or he'll use it against all of us!

 

"You don't think I'm right? FP says I'm right!! Man-Up!! That's an Order!"

 

yep, definitely drop the step--they don't look at you that way and you don't look at them that way so why bother? You are so very fortunate to have such a relationship with them. And your son telling you that is a true measure of your character as a person.

 

you can forgive her and wish for your family back. For your own piece of mind you'll need to forgive her or it could make you bitter and cause problems in your next relationship. As far as wanting to have your family back, though, you have to remember that you don't have any control over her and wishing won't do any good. She's going to do what she wants, with whomever she wants. You have the choice of pining away for her, wishing maybe one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost. Or you can move on, better yourself, be there for your kids and grandkids and find happiness again, either alone or with someone else.

 

Back to the forgiving part: that is where you need to work on yourself and look very deep within to see if that's within your power to do so. You can ask if it was you and would someone forgive you but hon, it wasn't you and so you have to speak for yourself now.

[dgiirl]

Forgiveness is really tricky. I struggled with that for some time. I even created a thread on it and many wise people contributed to it. What they helped me realize is that forgiveness doesnt mean making sense of what the other person did, or knowing the other person realizes they made a mistake or did wrong and regrets it. You can still forgive someone for hurting you. You can forgive them for not even KNOWING they did wrong. And you can forgive them for not even caring. Forgiveness is a way for you to let go of the anger and resentment and move on. I had a really hard time with this and every time I thought about my exh, all the anger and bitterness would come out of me. But I've been making some progress in the last 2 months. I even wrote down a list of things that I forgave my exh for and read it aloud. It was quite therapeutic. I still relapse from time to time, but I remind myself all the things I forgave him for. It helps me remember that I dont need to hold onto the anger.

[flowerpot]

oh heavens, don't let Gunny hear you say he's right or he'll use it against all of us!

 

"You don't think I'm right? FP says I'm right!! Man-Up!! That's an Order!"

 

yep, definitely drop the step--they don't look at you that way and you don't look at them that way so why bother? You are so very fortunate to have such a relationship with them. And your son telling you that is a true measure of your character as a person.can forgive her and wish for your family back. For your own piece of mind you'll need to forgive her or it could make you bitter and cause problems in your next relationship. As far as wanting to have your family back, thou

 

you gh, you have to remember that you don't have any control over her and wishing won't do any good. She's going to do what she wants, with whomever she wants. You have the choice of pining away for her, wishing maybe one day she'll wake up and realize what she lost. Or you can move on, better yourself, be there for your kids and grandkids and find happiness again, either alone or with someone else.

 

Back to the forgiving part: that is where you need to work on yourself and look very deep within to see if that's within your power to do so. You can ask if it was you and would someone forgive you but hon, it wasn't you and so you have to speak for yourself now.

 

Thanks Lor,

I know I could forgive MSTBXW if she ever returned, but it will be harder when she does'nt.

( if that makes any sence)

I'm saddened to feel that all the feedback she has recieved has been through people who don't know me,the OM & his family.

I feel that there was nobody from her family,or mine, or mutual friends who knew both of us and had pro marriage feedback to help us reconcile.

Most of our family did'nt know what to say or she has avoided them, especially her own parents.

Maybe it would'nt have made any differece anyway!

Our family has had a few who had divorced,got back together,and remarried. What are the chances?

Thanks all, FP

[flowerpot]

Thanks Lor,

I know I could forgive MSTBXW if she ever returned, but it will be harder when she does'nt.

( if that makes any sence)

I'm saddened to feel that all the feedback she has recieved has been through people who don't know me.The OM & his family have inflenced her the most, that I do believe.

I feel that there was nobody from her family,or mine, or mutual friends who knew both of us and had pro marriage feedback to help us reconcile.

Most of our family did'nt know what to say or she has avoided them, especially her own parents.

Maybe it would'nt have made any differece anyway!

Our family has had a few who had divorced,got back together,and remarried. What are the chances?

Thanks all, FP

 

 

I'M using the quote area to post my next question.

I'm having lunch with my wife Friday, the day our divorce is to be final.

I don't know what to say to her. I guess I might tell her how much she hurt me & the family. And that I will be O.K.,because I have many people who have been very supportive & very understanding.

I don't think she wants to here me appologize because she probably feels quite guilty herself.I would also like to mention that I have learned alot about myself & emotional needs,how important communication is in a relationship,taking time to make time & dating your mate,Plus puting family first instead of the bussiness,just to mention a few of these traits I have been enlightened on. What a hell of a way to learn!!!

I know I can't go back in time & neither can she. We need to look to the future,and learn from our mistakes.

I don't know if any good will become of this,but I would like to make a good last impresion for her to remember me by.

I hope you guys can give me some good advice,I feel I need it more than ever. I can't thank you enough.

God bless, FP

[Gunny376]

I would make sure I came off as being strong and not whimpy about it. No apolgies, no crying, nothing dramatic. Short and sweet, something along the lines of:

 

"Well I did my best at the time, with the knowledge and experience that I had at the time. It wasn't enough, but I can hoestly say I did my best at the time. I've learned a lot, and I've grown a lot and I plan on contiunuing to build upon that!"

 

Actually, I'd probally hire two of the finest looking women hanging off each arm, I could find to show up with my drunk ass and saying something along the lines of:

 

"HEY GIRL!! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!"

[flowerpot]

Hey Gunny,

I do thank you man. I like how you think. You definataly make me think about my situation & how to handle this crisis.

I wish I would have drained the swamp along time ago!!!!!!

Take care, FP

[flowerpot]

 

 

I'M using the quote area to post my next question.

I'm having lunch with my wife Friday, the day our divorce is to be final.

I don't know what to say to her. I guess I might tell her how much she hurt me & the family. And that I will be O.K.,because I have many people who have been very supportive & very understanding.

I don't think she wants to here me appologize because she probably feels quite guilty herself.I would also like to mention that I have learned alot about myself & emotional needs,how important communication is in a relationship,taking time to make time & dating your mate,Plus puting family first instead of the bussiness,just to mention a few of these traits I have been enlightened on. What a hell of a way to learn!!!

I know I can't go back in time & neither can she. We need to look to the future,and learn from our mistakes.

I don't know if any good will become of this,but I would like to make a good last impresion for her to remember me by.

I hope you guys can give me some good advice,I feel I need it more than ever. I can't thank you enough.

God bless, FP

I hope I hav'nt rambled to much over everything. I feel sometimes that I can't make up my mind on what I'm coing to do from day to day.

[Ladyjane14]

Why are you having lunch with her anyway?

 

I don't understand why you would put yourself through all that. What is it that she could possibly say to you at this point that would make the situation better for you? More likely than not, all you're going to hear are a bunch of platitudes and the "Let's be friends" gambit.

[flowerpot]

Why are you having lunch with her anyway?

 

I don't understand why you would put yourself through all that. What is it that she could possibly say to you at this point that would make the situation better for you? More likely than not, all you're going to hear are a bunch of platitudes and the "Let's be friends" gambit.[/quot

 

 

I know,Ladyjane, I guess I'm a glutton for punishement.

After making the lunch date and thinking it over I thought to myself yhat maybe I made a mistake. I know if I here the " Lets be friends bull***t.line I might get really pisses and say or do somrthing I might regret. One does'nt do those things to a friend, let alone a spouse.

I can't weight untill she gets thrown to the curb by this guy. Then maybe she will understand what she has put me through.

I hate to sound vindictive, but that karma thing seems to be talked about often on LS.

I wonder if I just should'nt even bother to show up at all.