Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 You want the marriage? Then hang tough! Suck it up! Man-up! Ride that bitch to the end! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 I will Gunny, I feel I must ride it out. I have had NC for three weeks, it's hard nat to call to see how she is doing . The family says she's not happy. Is there something I'm not doing here to make our chsnces better for reconciling? I feel like I'm running out of TIME!!! ANY IDEA WHAT TO DO ???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 I will Gunny, I feel I must ride it out. I have had NC for three weeks, it's hard nat to call to see how she is doing . The family says she's not happy. Is there something I'm not doing here to make our chsnces better for reconciling? I feel like I'm running out of TIME!!! ANY IDEA WHAT TO DO ???? I don't want to sound pathetic but at times one must swallow thier pride. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Noone can honestly tell you the best course of action. And I know how frustrating it is to want to fix things, and have no control over it. This is why you need to focus on things you CAN control, mainly yourself. Start filling up the void time with reading, shopping, hobbies, learn to cook a new recipe, anything and everything. Focus on you, and let time handle the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 25, 2006 Author Share Posted August 25, 2006 I do keep pretty busy. I have my business, grand daughter, step kids, fishing, and so on. I have been introduced to a nice young lady. We communicate via e-mail. I sent her flowers the other day,she called and thanked me.We talked for 45 min., she is very interested,but more so after my divorce. I must say I find that very genuous. After beating myself up for 5 months over the loss of my wife it's nice to know I can still make someone happy! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Then don't go through with the divorce. Your wife is messed up in the head right now and really needs some help. Depression, anxiety, nervous breakdown, I don't know! But something is NOT functioning properly in her head. She cheated on you, then bailed, assuming you would bail on her. Maybe, maybe not, but she didn't give you a choice. Maybe with the help of marriage counselling, all her issues that are going on inside her head could have been fixed. One on one therapy. Is she seeing someone now? If not, maybe you talk to her folks and get them to talk to her. I know you've met someone else, so take it slow...You're still really hurting and quite vunerable. Make sure this new woman knows your situation because if your wife calls you and wants to talk, say if she realized she F'ed up big time and wants to work her tail off for another chance at fixing the marriage - What then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 wichwayisup, thanks for the post, my wife dos'nt want anything to do with counciling. I don't think she does'nt reealize the problem on the outside, but in side she is hurting. Tonight she was giving advice to my step-daughter & son-inlaw about thier marriage ,telling them about how important communication is in a relationship,she was in tears.My son-inlaw wanted to ask her why she did'nt apply that in our M. but refused to bring up the issue. As for the new friend I have met. She was just devorced in March from a cheating husband, so we do have something in common. We are taking it very slow, she's no dummy and I respect her for that!! thanks for yhe post!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 Last night my soon to beXW stopped by my daughter's house to give them some marriage advice. My daughter was telling me that my wife became quite emotional while explaining how important communication is and so on.My son inlaw wanted to tell her that maybe she might want to work on her own marriage and quit trying to be some high & mighty counselor.After all she's not very happy wher she's at right now, or with the OM. WHAT IS GOING ON IN HER HEAD? Please advise! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 26, 2006 Share Posted August 26, 2006 Flowerpot, I do think that your wife may be having second thoughts and there is definitely hope here. Have you been to marriage builders - plan a - plan b - his needs, her needs - willard harley land? If not, then please search Loveshack and head straight for the best advice I can think of for you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 26, 2006 Author Share Posted August 26, 2006 Yhanks Solemate!, I have been on the marriage builders website, but not the others you spoke of. I will of cource. Ilove my wife VERY MUCH & the step kids. I never had children of my own because they were all I needed. Friends tell me to move on,but there is something inside me that tells me not to give up. Like gunny suggested" ride that ***** till the end!!! Lets hope the old saying :LOVE CONQUERS ALL: is true!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 27, 2006 Author Share Posted August 27, 2006 It's been 3 week since I last spoke to mt wife. I believe that I said something I really should'nt have. My step daughter & I talked a lot about staying in school to finsh her senior year in H.S., then the conversation became about her mother & how she hates her for what she's done & what she's doing.My wife asked me obout what we talked about and I told her.I said right now your daughter hates you! My wife wife became very angry and said " I don't want to here any more of this ****" ane left. I Explained to my daughter what I had done, and she said "well mom needs to know". but I believe I should'nt have been the one to tell her! I have made a point not to call her, it seems that no matter what I say or do it ends up to be the wrong thing> PLEASE ADVISE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 27, 2006 Author Share Posted August 27, 2006 I have so many questions anymore. I keep hearing that my wife is not happy with herself& the OM, but she still sees him. It seems the clock is winding down& were running out of time. the divorce will be final in mid September. I know people say it's just a piece of paper and that anything can still happen after the divorce! I know that I have no controle over the situation.I guess thats why I so miiserable & despondant over the whole thing. I'm kinda new here & the feedback really helps me sort things out. thanks!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 Remember, there's a difference between a legal divorce and an emotional divorce. Dont get so hung up on stopping the legal divorce. Anything really can happen, but the more you try to stop her, the more persistent she'll become. So dont waste your energy on things that are counter-productive. Focus on the emotional divorce. For me, in the beginning, i was having such a hard time because I felt like someone was FORCING me to stop loving my husband, and I was fighting with that. Once I realized that I didnt have to stop loving my husband, I found some peace. I STILL had control over my emotions, and can decide to love him forever if I want to. All you have to do is learn to love her, and give her the freedom she wants. You need to find the balance inside of you between the selfishness of wanting the pain to go away, and allowing other's to make their own decisions. It's very hard to do, but if you really love her, and she was really unhappy, wouldnt you want her to be where she would be happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 27, 2006 Author Share Posted August 27, 2006 To Dgiirl, I understand about being selfish, she has been that way all along, the kids, her family & myself have suffered through this whole ordeal. She has put herself first right from the begining. I'm almost ready to tell the kids that I can't be there for you every day ! There are many problems in the family, and I have taken up the slack. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this!!I love them uncoditionaly, but I'm running out of gas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 For me, in the beginning, i was having such a hard time because I felt like someone was FORCING me to stop loving my husband, and I was fighting with that. Once I realized that I didnt have to stop loving my husband, I found some peace. I STILL had control over my emotions, and can decide to love him forever if I want to. All you have to do is learn to love her, and give her the freedom she wants. You need to find the balance inside of you between the selfishness of wanting the pain to go away, and allowing other's to make their own decisions. It's very hard to do, but if you really love her, and she was really unhappy, wouldnt you want her to be where she would be happy? You are very right! The divorce will happen unless she decides otherwise. It hurts,but I must put my feelings aside and put my faith in GOD & pray that some good will come out of this. After all that has happened, I still love her and always will. I just wish for a second chance!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Timberlane Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 I had a girlfriend once who it turned out was sleeping around with more than one guy. We lived together for five years. She broke up with me eventually one day, blaming me for a host of things. I had been absolutely faithful to her, attended to her needs out of caring, and dearly loved her. But I always suspected she was unstable. To make a long story short, I'm glad she is no longer in my life, although I do wonder about her sometimes. Be glad that this woman is leaving your life. Finsih off the money hassles and cut ties. She doesn't deserve your attention. Find someone else who can take care of their own happiness, can own up to their own choices and faults, and who isn't so goddamned selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 You're so concentrated on her that your neglecting what you want and need, and your happiness. Seek and find happiness in what you want and need, and everything else will fall into place ~ with or without the wife. Your happiness is within your grasp and within your control ~ not hers. Its all in your head Dude. Ab Lincoln (who suffered from failure after failure, and depression and was married to a serious nut case) said, "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" and that is so true. Its just a case of doing it. Easy? No! Do-able? Absolutely. But it takes a gazzelle's like focus and determination to do it. Once you've made the decision that your persosal happiness isn't depnedent upon anyone else ~ well that's a very liberating thing. My own personal happiness isn't dependent upon any one person on the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 You guys are right on! I've got a fishing trip planned in September with some good friends,3 days after that I will be going to Vermont to do some hiking with my cousin.Ineed to get away.... to recharge myself .... I need to get out of this pit!! I miss my wife, I know she's not the same woman I married. I just hope someday that woman will emerge before It's too late. Yes someday I will find peace,but right now I struggle with this situation & the P.O.S. OM. I know revenge is not the way to handle this, I hope this thing called KARMA will have a place in this soap opera!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 flowerpot, I've had the same emotions as you are experiencing right now. Anger, sadness, desperation to fix everything, hoping our spouses will regret their decisions, wanting karma to pay back, etc. But gunny's right, focus on YOU. Funny thing about karma is if you only pay attention to how much good karma you are producing, and stop wishing negative karma to others, you actually start to get more good karma for yourself. This is why it's so important to just focus on yourself. If you are anything like I was, I couldnt wish them well. I just couldnt. But I could become indifferent, and that's the next best thing to wishing them well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 OK...OK... iI will take heed to that Dgiirl. It's been about 6 months of this and i'm still dwelling in the past. I read that this sometimes takes 2 years to get over, well I sure as hell hope it does'nt take that long for me!!! You guys have been a good inspiration to me, keep it cumming!!! I need all the help I can get. I'm sure glad I found this place!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 You sound like a wonderful man, Flowerpot. Your wife is the one who cheated on you, lied to you, and abandoned oyu. Moreover she left her children with you for 7 weeks while she was with her lover! This is definitely her loss. If she was unhappy with you, she should have worked things out with you (nobody is perfect and no marriage is perfct). At least out of respect for all you have given her, she shouldn't have stabbed a knife in your back. You deserve better treatment than that if everything is exactly the way you described. I feel for you and wish you all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 flowerpot, I've had the same emotions as you are experiencing right now. Anger, sadness, desperation to fix everything, hoping our spouses will regret their decisions, wanting karma to pay back, etc. But gunny's right, focus on YOU. Funny thing about karma is if you only pay attention to how much good karma you are producing, and stop wishing negative karma to others, you actually start to get more good karma for yourself. This is why it's so important to just focus on yourself. If you are anything like I was, I couldnt wish them well. I just couldnt. But I could become indifferent, and that's the next best thing to wishing them well. I've heard the word karma alot lately. I was'nt trying to put a hex on any one.Vengence is mine sayeth the LORD is pretty much the way I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2006 Share Posted August 28, 2006 When you do good things, think good and positive thing it has an exponetial effect in that good things come back to you ten fold. Do and think negative? Ditto. Which do you choose? The good thing that came out of my divorce is the ability to put someone to the curb ~ QUICK, FAST, AND IN A HURRY LIKE! I'm not an azz about it, but I most definately have my bounderies, and standards. One of those is if she disrespects me. I've already wasted the years of my youth on two different women ~ I won't waste anymore. I don't have any time nor patience for silly games. I'm a mature, responsible adult with a lot to give the right woman. If she wants to go FBS, she can do it on someone's else's time and dime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 Thanks RecordProducer, I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. I know I have faults like we all do, but wy wife never complained obout her unhppiness. I have a small bussiness,witch takes alot out of me. We did'nt get to vacation much,we did'nt go out alot, there were days when I got home from the shop I would go to my barn, drink a few beers and try to unwind. I just got into a RUT. I wish my wife would have slapped me, yelled & screamed.( thats a quote from her) If she would have,I probably would'nt be here today. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowerpot Posted August 28, 2006 Author Share Posted August 28, 2006 You sound like a wonderful man, Flowerpot. Your wife is the one who cheated on you, lied to you, and abandoned oyu. Moreover she left her children with you for 7 weeks while she was with her lover! This is definitely her loss. If she was unhappy with you, she should have worked things out with you (nobody is perfect and no marriage is perfct). At least out of respect for all you have given her, she shouldn't have stabbed a knife in your back. You deserve better treatment than that if everything is exactly the way you described. I feel for you and wish you all the best! Iknow no marriage is pefect. Our communication was'nt the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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