flowerpot Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 In March my wife came home crying telling me that she was leaving me.She began to tell me that she had been out with the girls, got drunk, met someone and slept with him. She told me that after that she had destroyed our marriage and could never come back.Then she began to blame me for all of the things that I did and did'nt do in our marriage.She left me with my 2 step children for 7 weeks while she stayed with the OM. untill she bought a house. We have been married 11 years, together for 15 years and were happily married so I thought. I had no idea that she was seeing the OM. 2 months befor she left. The kids are very pissed at her right now, she bought the house so she could be with them but spends alot of her time with the OM. She blamed me for there anger at her and wanted a divorce I filed July 24th and the divorce will be final around September 21st. She has saught quite a monetary amount and I agreed to give her half of it after signing a very binding agreemet to help her get a new vehicle,vacation for her and the kids. I did'nt know about the new jet skies, and spending money on the other man.She has been going through the money like **** through a goose. She has not talked to her parents or the kids about what is going on. Her parents are very shocked & saddened over this. They made me promise not to forget them & keep in touch, and I do. I am very close to the kids and her parents.They told me that they love me and that I will always be a part of the family. This really has broken my heart!! I know that I hav'nt been the perfect husband.I sometimes work 7 days a week, and that takes it's toll, phisicaly and on the family life. Even after all of this I still hope that we can reconcile. Sounds crazy, but I still love her. Not to many guys would take on a woman with 3 kids and love them like I do! She has been through alot ,last year her oldest daughter got married in May, had a daughter in July,(A beautiful girl by the way)3 days later her Ex commited suicide, she was reunited with a daughter that she gave up for adoption all within a short time. Thats alot for anyone to handle! So I pray more than ever for God to heal our family and to give us the streangth to forgive ourselves and each other. I don't know what else to do!
Tony T Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 It sounds to me like you've got a pretty good attitude considering all that has happened. I really wonder if you don't have a lot of anger you are holding in and not admitting to. Get away from this lady and heal yourself. Then take stock of who you are and why something like this would happen to you. Somehow you weren't paying attention...or you were in denial. Things like this don't happen out of nowhere. You get LOTS of hints that a woman is about to wander...that a woman is unhappy in her marriage. For you to make a statement like you had a happy marriage...and then something like this happens out of the blue...is a clear sign your level of consciousness is way out there. I'm glad you aren't giving away the store...but you are being very generous to this lady. Don't do too much. You've given enough. Hold your own. At some point, you got to set up boundaries and not get walked on. This lady has screwed you over. There are many other much nicer ways to leave somebody if you must. I'd be mad as hell if a woman of mine was using my money to buy things for some other guy she was screwing. This is the time for you to make some changes within yourself...and do yourself a favor....be honest...with yourself!
Gunny376 Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 It sounds to me like you've got a pretty good attitude considering all that has happened. I really wonder if you don't have a lot of anger you are holding in and not admitting to. Get away from this lady and heal yourself. Then take stock of who you are and why something like this would happen to you. Somehow you weren't paying attention...or you were in denial. Things like this don't happen out of nowhere. You get LOTS of hints that a woman is about to wander...that a woman is unhappy in her marriage. For you to make a statement like you had a happy marriage...and then something like this happens out of the blue...is a clear sign your level of consciousness is way out there. I'm glad you aren't giving away the store...but you are being very generous to this lady. Don't do too much. You've given enough. Hold your own. At some point, you got to set up boundaries and not get walked on. This lady has screwed you over. There are many other much nicer ways to leave somebody if you must. I'd be mad as hell if a woman of mine was using my money to buy things for some other guy she was screwing. This is the time for you to make some changes within yourself...and do yourself a favor....be honest...with yourself! Man, TonyT did you ever nail it! Hammer + Nail! To the original poster: Forget this broad! She's got FBS ~ Flakey Broad Syndrone. Karma ~ aka Mr. Reality is going to come back around and bust her square in azz! You just keep on doing the righteous thing, Karma likes righteous people and pays them back 20 times. You're in good with Karma, you get 20 time the good you handed out ~ you piss Karma off you're going to pay! A lot of women have self esteem issues ~ which screws guys like me up, because I don't have them. Me? I'm an azzhole, but I know I'm an azzhole! That makes all the difference. I'm a caring azzhole! I'm a giving azzhole! I'm even a loving azzhole! But, I'm a azzhole none the less! I know who and what I am ~ an azzhole! (But a loveable one! )
Lor Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 In March my wife came home crying telling me that she was leaving me.She began to tell me that she had been out with the girls, got drunk, met someone and slept with him. She told me that after that she had destroyed our marriage and could never come back.Then she began to blame me for all of the things that I did and did'nt do in our marriage.She left me with my 2 step children for 7 weeks while she stayed with the OM. untill she bought a house. Her blaming you for her sleeping with another guy is her way of trying to justify it and not accept blame for it herself. Gunny's right, she's got Flaky Broad Syndrome and she's seeing the greener grass. Reality is going to set in, not now, maybe not for years. Her happiness is not your concern anymore. She's broken the issue of trust, not only with you but with her children. Thank goodness they have you to depend on--make sure you remain that rock so they aren't scarred. I'm assuming they are older kids? She has saught quite a monetary amount and I agreed to give her half of it after signing a very binding agreemet to help her get a new vehicle,vacation for her and the kids. I did'nt know about the new jet skies, and spending money on the other man.She has been going through the money like **** through a goose. She has not talked to her parents or the kids about what is going on. Her parents are very shocked & saddened over this. They made me promise not to forget them & keep in touch, and I do. I am very close to the kids and her parents.They told me that they love me and that I will always be a part of the family. This really has broken my heart!! I know that I hav'nt been the perfect husband.I sometimes work 7 days a week, and that takes it's toll, phisicaly and on the family life. Even after all of this I still hope that we can reconcile. Sounds crazy, but I still love her. Not to many guys would take on a woman with 3 kids and love them like I do! She has been through alot ,last year her oldest daughter got married in May, had a daughter in July,(A beautiful girl by the way)3 days later her Ex commited suicide, she was reunited with a daughter that she gave up for adoption all within a short time. Thats alot for anyone to handle! So I pray more than ever for God to heal our family and to give us the streangth to forgive ourselves and each other. I don't know what else to do! Don't give her any more money than what she's entitled to from the house, ect. New jet skiis aren't part of the package. She's made her bed, let her lie in it a while. No, not many would take on a large family, but my step-father did (7 kids) and he and my mother have been married now 32 years. But it sounds like, instead of being grateful and in love, she took advantage to dump it all on you. She may have gone thru a lot lately but is that an excuse for her behavior? Not! One negative--her X, three positives--the wedding, the baby, and the reunion. They don't weigh out for a personal crisis. Sounds more like selfishness. Give a little background on her personality--maybe I'm way off base here.
Author flowerpot Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 My wife is, or was a very sweet and caring person. Her first marriage was pretty bad. Her Husband cheeted on her alot and treeted her like crap. A friend of mine was telling me the other day that when she spoke to my wife during a party last year that she had told her how much she loved me and the look in her eyes were so genuin.She told me that my wife can't possibly forget what I have done for her and the kids and that someday she will emerge from her crisis, then hopfully it will not be to late. My wife has always been very content in our marriage, never complained about much. I geuss I got used to that and forgot about her emotional needs, and our communication slowly detieriated over the years. She also mentioned that I always controlled everything.We did'nt go out much or vacatoin every year.I must take blame for these things. I only wish I could have another chance to make the changes that I should have done along time ago.Owning a small bussiness provided well for us but took alot away!!!
Lor Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 My wife is, or was a very sweet and caring person. Her first marriage was pretty bad. Her Husband cheeted on her alot and treeted her like crap. Funny that you say that--sounds like she's now treating you the same way. If I had had to go thru a M like that, you can bet I wouldn't treat someone else to that kind of heartache. Not trying to be mean but honest. A friend of mine was telling me the other day that when she spoke to my wife during a party last year that she had told her how much she loved me and the look in her eyes were so genuin.She told me that my wife can't possibly forget what I have done for her and the kids and that someday she will emerge from her crisis, then hopfully it will not be to late. That was a year ago and it sounds like a lot has changed. Your W is not worried about you, you aren't her main concern right now and apparently neither are her kids. Whether she emerges from this or not is not your concern right now. You and your kids should be your main focus. You've pointed the finger at yourself, now start doing something about it and quit cannonizing your W but look at her actions. The sweet, loving person that she was has been replaced by a stranger--that amounts to "I don't give a d*mn" or mid life crisis.
Author flowerpot Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Thanks Lor, Your right,my W. told me she knows how it felt to be left. It's really a damn shame what she has done to me & her kids. the OM is 10 yrs younger yhan she and 8 years older than her oldest daughter. My son-inlaw spoke to the OM one day and he said that he did'nt care what the kids think or her parents,"she makes me happy and I make her happy". Sounds pretty selfish to me ,"what a piece of ****", quoting my father in-law. I guess it's time to concentrate on the kids they need me more than ever ! Do you think that this is some kind of midlife crisis?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 I definitely think she is going through something whether it's an emotional crisis or breakdown of some kind. Alot has happened to her in the last year, like you said, and maybe it affected her more than she or anyone realizes. She should speak to a doctor, and/or look into counselling, but I'm not sure she will do this at your request. Why do you feel you need to file for divorce? Maybe a period of separation is what you both need...mind you she is using the time selfishly. I am just saying this because I experienced a similar situation, and I was given a second chance...for a while...it only lasted a few more years but I was grateful for the chance to at least try to save my marriage, and eventually realized that he was only in it for the kids but then I had the chance to get my life in order so I could live on my own.
Author flowerpot Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 I do believe that she is in some sort of crisis. She turned 40 last September! Concerning me filing for the divorce. She told me if I did'nt want to get lawyers involved that I should do the filing! So I did! She probobly could have gotten twice as much money, Half the house, and part of the bussiness, not to mention investments. I know it sounds so wierd.
michelangelo Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 run, don't walk away! Count yourself lucky to sever all ties with her. she is a user and confused about life. don't make it your mission to fix her. It's her problem now. Move on.
Author flowerpot Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 I know that I can't fix her problem, I don't think anyone can but herself, and she probably does'nt think there is one. But I do feel there is a tremendous amount of guilt for what she has done. She has the money to try to buy happiness for now but that will run out someday! My step-daughter thanked me for the new Chevy Equinox suv my wife bought with some of the money,I had to laugh.
Author flowerpot Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 I have read stories about reconciling. Some people have nastier divorces and end up happier in their marriages than ever before. Does anyone know of this ever happening?
Author flowerpot Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 I would like to thank the people who responded to my posts. I have never done anything like this before! the advvice was greatly appreciated. I never thought I would be going through this. Our whole family has been hurt, including my wife. I have been told by my daughters & other people who see her that they can tell that she is not happy, they can see it in her eyes. I have always been the one that friends & family would come to for advice and help,and now I feel pretty helpless for the first time in my life.
Author flowerpot Posted August 21, 2006 Author Posted August 21, 2006 I have not talked to my wife for two weeks, I truley miss her. My stepdaughter told me the other day that mom is'nt happy where she is at in her life right now & that I should not plan on her ever returning.I just wish for a second chance. The whole family is hurting , I pray for some kind of devine intervention, I don't know if karma will be a blessing or not. It's been five months since she left and I feel as bad now as I did then.
Lor Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 I just wish for a second chance. The whole family is hurting , I pray for some kind of devine intervention, I don't know if karma will be a blessing or not. It's been five months since she left and I feel as bad now as I did then. Ok, let me get this straight. You work very hard to build up your business to provide a good living for your family, took in her children as your own, helped raise them to be what sounds like good people, supported her thru unhappiness and times of trouble, she wigs out, cheats on you, leaves for joe-sixpack, spends your money on unnecessary things and still wants more....... ....and you want a second chance? What am I missing? The woman you loved is gone! Gone, gone, gone! You can't bring her back, you can't make her change her mind, so quit laying in wait. I'm not saying to find someone new, I'm not saying to find a quicky, or even a girlfriend. I'm saying get out, get a life. Quit revolving your life around her. You are miserable, that will rub off on your kids. I know you don't want them feeling sorry for you--you don't sound like that kind of man. Your kids will be happier and more settled if you move on, or make the impression that you're moving on. She is gone and the sooner you realize that--and I mean really realize that, the sooner you can heal. Maybe she'll come back some day, but it won't be tomorrow, it won't be next week. Are you gonna stand in front of that closed door for a year or will you turn around to see the view behind you? You can look over your shoulder every now and then but turn around!
Author flowerpot Posted August 22, 2006 Author Posted August 22, 2006 Thanks Lor, I do get it. It's time to move on! I just don't understand why she is so unhappy, she made this choice and if she is unhappy should'nt I try to do something before the divorce is final, which is in mid September? I made a vow ( Better for WORSE) and this is as bad as it gets! Also she has not sought any more money or anything else. She could have gotten three times as much! This also is kind of odd from what I have heard from friends and thier divorces. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful I have'nt lost more! This whole thing just sucks!!!!!
Author flowerpot Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 I have NC with wife for 2 weeks, and I don't think there will be any for as long as I can see, at least for me to aniciate! My father-inlaw and I are getting together for a couple of beers tonight. He still wants me to stay close to the family, but I'm afraid this will only cause more conflict with my wife. I'm not sure what to do!! Here parents have been very good to me and I think I owe them that much. ANY ADVICE?
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 If the FIL and other IL's are cool with it, and she's got a problem with it ~ that's what is ~ her problem. Not yours nor anyone elses. And, I wouldn't let her make it problem.
Author flowerpot Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks Gunny, I feel the same way, except If the shoe was on the other foot,and she was hanging with my Dad drinking a few,I might get a little pissed. Oh what the hell!! I guess the damage has already been done! I feel I'm walking through a mine field , overly cautious of every step I take...
Author flowerpot Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Thanks Gunny, I feel the same way, except If the shoe was on the other foot,and she was hanging with my Dad drinking a few,I might get a little pissed. Oh what the hell!! I guess the damage has already been done! I feel I'm walking through a mine field , overly cautious of every step I take...
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Its hard to find and keep good quality people in your life ~ and once you've found them you need to work at staying in touch with them and keeping them apart of your life! Obviously, the FIL knows your good quality people and righteous people, he'd tell you to go and take a hike. He knows the DD has gone flakey, its not the first time he's witnessed it in his life. He knows the drill. You became a part of his family the day your married his DD. Parents have to love their chldren, and children have to love their parents, (lets not start splitting hairs here Gang, you know what I'm saying) that doesn't mean they neceassarly have to like them nor approve of everything they say and do. The STBXW has a problem with ~ as I said that's her problem. She should have thought about that before she ran off scroggin Joe Smuckatellie!
Author flowerpot Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Speeking of Joe smuckatellie, What kind of thirty year old guy persues a fourty year old mother of 3 grandmother of 1 & married! And what is going on in my wifes head! Everyone has said that it would'nt last long, but it has for 8 months. Please advise.
dgiirl Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 Unfortuantely, a lot of these relationships last longer when everyone objects to the situation. They're a romeo and juliet against the world. It doesnt matter how old he is, what kind of PERSON goes after a married person, and what kind of married person willingly cheats?
Author flowerpot Posted August 24, 2006 Author Posted August 24, 2006 Very well put Dgiirl! It's like when someone leaves you and you do everything possible to swey them back,all it does is push them farther away! My wife was always faithful, I never had to worry about her cheating on me the 15 years we were together! Then something happened that made her thoughts change. I don't know if her disasterous first marriage and the death of her first H just did her in. I just don't know. Concerning the OM, some people have no respect for what they do!! Totally selfish if you ask me!
Author flowerpot Posted August 25, 2006 Author Posted August 25, 2006 I just would thank those who responded to my posts. I have had a rough time with all of this. Your input is greatly appreciated. However I still believe this trainwreck can still be avoided. Maybe I'm just a fool who believes in happy endings, but I also believe good things can come out of making chicken soup out of chicken ****! I have never given up on anything in life. I guess thats why I have been sucsessful in many aspects of my life. Any help out there??
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