I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[chadnickole]

Divorcee support group? That's pretty lame of her to be suggesting that. Kinda strange to that she wants you to go with her to vote..

 

Yeah, I was pretty bothered about the support group comment, I think she just want me to go vote so that I can keep an eye on our son while she is voting and vice versa, but I can't help to feel a little bit of hope. I just keep stepping the hope down because it makes things to hard!!

[riobikini]

re:

 

Chad: ".. I can't help to feel a little bit of hope. I just keep stepping the hope down.."

 

Lots of folks going through the same thing as you, feel this same "limbo": it's a place where you're probably gonna live for a few months, yet- but it eases off in increments -as time rolls on- and as the legal stuff begins to turn more concrete, and clearer patterns start to form regarding how you are going to be handling all this, and you start to accept that it's really over.

 

Still, being "tied" to an ex due to some reason -most likely, children- always requires more strength -and intelligence, just to keep your focus and bearings, now and always.

 

Understand that you begin to set a precedent for how you deal with her in the future through how you handle *some* things now.

 

That means you have to focus on what your *future priorities* are going to be.

 

Make them count -choose and make those decisions thoughtfully and carefully.

 

And do VOTE! (Smile) -but not particularly with her in tow.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[jmargel]

Yeah, I was pretty bothered about the support group comment, I think she just want me to go vote so that I can keep an eye on our son while she is voting and vice versa, but I can't help to feel a little bit of hope. I just keep stepping the hope down because it makes things to hard!!

 

Hope for the best, expect the worst. Though it's hard try not to hang onto her words or things such as going to vote together. I think if you go with her tonight, the last thing you should say to her before you leave is 'If you ever want to talk, I'm here'.

 

Just act yourself around her, try not to discuss the possible divorce, etc..

[chadnickole]

Hey Guys

 

This morning I dropped my son off over my STXW house. She told me that she was up crying all night, and that she wrote me a buch of letters but threw them all away!!

 

I told her I was sorry she had a bad night, and that I write letters sometimes just to get the feelings out, then throw them away also!!

I had to leave for work, so when I got to work I sent het an email

saying. If she ever needs to talk about absolutly anything that I would listen!!

 

That was it short and sweet

 

Chad

[chadnickole]

The STBXW just sent me an email asking if I would have lunch with her. I asked what the reason was?

 

She apologized for not having a motive, and said she just wanted to have lunch with me today.

 

I agreed to have lunch with her, Now I'm wondering if I should!!

[ilmw]

The STBXW just sent me an email asking if I would have lunch with her. I asked what the reason was?

 

She apologized for not having a motive, and said she just wanted to have lunch with me today.

 

I agreed to have lunch with her, Now I'm wondering if I should!!

 

I can't see what harm it could do... as long as you go there with no expectations... keep your head.. and keep your cool...

 

When ever I see my DW... I am like this..(Now:o )

 

Just be there.. be pleasant... none demanding... but as J said "hope for the best.. prepare for the worst"...

 

Everytime I have gone over to the DW's place and the invite is unexpected... I am a litte confused... hoping for the best expecting the worst... I sometime prepare for an ambush.. The big "D" talk... but that has not happened... and our encounter was fairly light hearted... and .. well yes ... fun...

 

Go to lunch.... but be cool... be confident... and don't expect anything.. and either way you will walk away from the lunch... the same... you can't get hurt if it is a positive encounter.. and if you are prepared for the worst.. you are already over it .. before it has happened... Be a boy scout.. "Always Prepared".. :lmao:

 

Oh...yeah.. when you go to lunch... order something you never have before... surprise her.... and treat yourself..

 

Have fun..either way..

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

I presume you sent the material per our last PM. Based upon that presumption I think you've might have finally gotten through to her. With that said ~ go slow. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. Start investing in DivorceBusting techniques (get the book) etc. and proceed from there. Drag your feet on the divorce. Make no assumptions.

 

jmargel's approach and perspective is applicaable here. Read his posts.

[Gunny376]

I can't see what harm it could do... as long as you go there with no expectations... keep your head.. and keep your cool...

 

When ever I see my DW... I am like this..(Now:o )

 

Just be there.. be pleasant... none demanding... but as J said "hope for the best.. prepare for the worst"...

 

Everytime I have gone over to the DW's place and the invite is unexpected... I am a litte confused... hoping for the best expecting the worst... I sometime prepare for an ambush.. The big "D" talk... but that has not happened... and our encounter was fairly light hearted... and .. well yes ... fun...

 

Go to lunch.... but be cool... be confident... and don't expect anything.. and either way you will walk away from the lunch... the same... you can't get hurt if it is a positive encounter.. and if you are prepared for the worst.. you are already over it .. before it has happened... Be a boy scout.. "Always Prepared".. :lmao:

 

Oh...yeah.. when you go to lunch... order something you never have before... surprise her.... and treat yourself..

 

Have fun..either way..

 

ilmw

 

Like he said!

 

Make her smile, make her laugh, make it a good time.

[chadnickole]

I presume you sent the material per our last PM. Based upon that presumption I think you've might have finally gotten through to her. With that said ~ go slow. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. Start investing in DivorceBusting techniques (get the book) etc. and proceed from there. Drag your feet on the divorce. Make no assumptions.

 

jmargel's approach and perspective is applicaable here. Read his posts.

 

Actually I decided against it because I've sent her enough stuff already. plus when we first seperated I sighned us up for an Email news letter for both our accounts. The one I got that day basically said the same thing as the one I was going to send ,Just hope she read it!!

[jmargel]

Yes, definelty go to lunch with her. Follow your words that you will be there to listen when she has to talk. Remember (and I cannot stress this enough!) to LISTEN. Let her talk. Most importantly when she says something that she thinks it's important say 'I understand'.

 

Like the other posters mentioned, just keep an even keel about things. Last thing you want to do is talk about the divorce. If she brings it up (about her wanting the divorce) just tell her 'I really don't wish to talk about that right now' and let it go.

 

Whatever you do, don't bring up the past, let her do it. What you are doing now, is making her think. Which is a good thing. I hope you two get back together but right now like others mentioned it's still way up in the air.

 

If she mentions about getting back together, that decision is yours. However if you decide that route, I would mention about MC for the both of you.

 

Try not to ask too many questions, especially with her & the ex. Stay away from that. Let her open up to you, follow her lead. If all else fails remember to put yourself outside the situation (for this moment) and look at things from her point of view, try to put yourself in her shoes.

 

Remember this is going to be a roller coaster ride. She's confused and where one day she might say one thing, the next day she'll say the opposite.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Gunny376]

Yes, definelty go to lunch with her. Follow your words that you will be there to listen when she has to talk. Remember (and I cannot stress this enough!) to LISTEN. Let her talk. Most importantly when she says something that she thinks it's important say 'I understand'.

 

Like the other posters mentioned, just keep an even keel about things. Last thing you want to do is talk about the divorce. If she brings it up (about her wanting the divorce) just tell her 'I really don't wish to talk about that right now' and let it go.

 

Whatever you do, don't bring up the past, let her do it. What you are doing now, is making her think. Which is a good thing. I hope you two get back together but right now like others mentioned it's still way up in the air.

 

If she mentions about getting back together, that decision is yours. However if you decide that route, I would mention about MC for the both of you.

 

Try not to ask too many questions, especially with her & the ex. Stay away from that. Let her open up to you, follow her lead. If all else fails remember to put yourself outside the situation (for this moment) and look at things from her point of view, try to put yourself in her shoes.

 

Remember this is going to be a roller coaster ride. She's confused and where one day she might say one thing, the next day she'll say the opposite.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Good post, good post, jmargel!

 

The "I understand,................." is a phrase that I picked up when I was in sales. All day strong. Its strong because it builds rapport, and demonstrates empathy. It shows that you're on the same side, without giving away your side. Say it with a "I know" empathic expression, nodding and smiling.

 

jmargel is right ~ don't bring up the past, and if she does, just let her talk, remember women need to just talk about their feeling and emotions. I wouldn't contribute too much to it, except to keep the dialog going. If she asks a question keep your answer short, and always end it with "Why do you ask?"

 

Don't even bring up the OM, and whatever you do keep control of your emotions ~ especially the negative ones. You are the very eptiome of Zen.

[chadnickole]

Thanks Guys As usual!!!

[chadnickole]

We talked about absolutly nothing important, kept it light and funny! She got all goo-goo over a little baby, And I cought her eyeing me when I wasn't looking (that I wanna another baby Look) I've seen it before!!

but I didn't read into it much at all.

 

Then on my drive back to work she called and asked if I was okay. I said yeah i'm fine, why do you ask?

She said see it doesn't have to be weird, we can hang out as friends:eek:

 

Thats okay, I'm cool with whatever happens. I would just prefer my marriage work, but I'm good with things!!

 

Talk later

Chad

[jmargel]

Just becareful here.. Because if you just 'want to be friends' then expect alot of heart-ache and not have the ability to move on emotionally.

 

If you want the marriage back like you say you do, give her a few opportunities but when it becomes clear that you want the marriage and she's happy at 'just being friends' then you need to set the date for the divorce and stop contact.

 

I just hope she's not doing this to try to ease her guilt. By just 'being friends' helps her achieve this (IMO).

 

Just take it slow though, none of us knows what is going on in her head.

[chadnickole]

"Chad,

 

All I wanted you to do was...

 

1 respect me

2 treat me as an equal

3 pay attention to me

4 let me into your world

5 understand me

6 help me to uderstand you

7 want me

8 need me

9 stand beside me

10 Love me!

 

You tell me time and again that you had all these things. You tell me those things were there. I'm telling you I was there, but theses 10 things were not. The 10 things that were there were.

 

From You too me...

 

1 disrespect

2 cold, bitterness

3 resentment

4 miscommunication

5 did i mention, Disrespect

 

From Me to You

 

1 confusion

2 disrespect

3 resentment

4 needyness

5 bitterness

 

You and I both know that with the help of all these things, we let our marriage deteriorate. Just because we know what went wrong, doesn't mean it can be fixed."

 

Guys I have no Idea what to thing about this, I'm confused I didn't know I was treating her those ways, I know there was disrespect and miscommunication! Should I respond? if so how and with what ?

[jmargel]

Yes, respond! Holy crap man.. she's telling you what she needs and that she wants to work on this. I swear to god if I had a brick and could throw it that far I'd hit ya in the head with it.

 

REMEMBER MY WORDS! "I understand". I would talk to her and tell her the time you spent away from her really made you think and that you have come up with just about the same conclusion. That you believe you felt so comfortable with her that you ended up taking her for granted. That you never intended that to happen and this has been a huge wake-up call. That this is a lesson that has been burned into your mind & heart.

 

Tell her you want to work on these things and that you hope she'll goto marriage counseling with you. You two can't fix this on your own but you know that alot of this was bad communication between you two and that you believe with MC and the lessons we've both learned that we can get over this hurdle together and have a future with each other.

 

SHE IS FINALLY THINKING! This is what I wanted from her. Great job. Now make this happen! Remember to keep yourself in HER shoes. Let us know how it works out!

[chadnickole]

Yes, respond! Holy crap man.. she's telling you what she needs and that she wants to work on this. I swear to god if I had a brick and could throw it that far I'd hit ya in the head with it.

 

REMEMBER MY WORDS! "I understand". I would talk to her and tell her the time you spent away from her really made you think and that you have come up with just about the same conclusion. That you believe you felt so comfortable with her that you ended up taking her for granted. That you never intended that to happen and this has been a huge wake-up call. That this is a lesson that has been burned into your mind & heart.

 

Tell her you want to work on these things and that you hope she'll goto marriage counseling with you. You two can't fix this on your own but you know that alot of this was bad communication between you two and that you believe with MC and the lessons we've both learned that we can get over this hurdle together and have a future with each other.

 

SHE IS FINALLY THINKING! This is what I wanted from her. Great job. Now make this happen! Remember to keep yourself in HER shoes. Let us know how it works out!

 

I'm very afraid to push this issue with her because in the past I've pushed so hard. I'm afraid that if I start in on this that I will push her farther away. besides we go to court 11-13-06 (Monday) there is a small light, But i still feel hopeless!!

[Gunny376]

Dude! She's telling you what she needs and wants from you as a husband! She's given you the key.

 

Marriage couseling. There are different approaches. Most want to go back and do a deep examination of your inner child and examine how and why you are what you are today, and how you become who you are today.

 

Michelle Wernier-Davis' approach will give you what you need today right here and now ~ call these people. This marriage is salvageable, save-able, and do-able. http://www.divorcebusting.com

 

You and her both didn't have the skill set necessary to be married.

[Gunny376]

About Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.

 

Because Michele Weiner-Davis believes that divorce is not the answer, she developed an innovative method for working with couples experiencing difficult marital problems. Her approach was so successful that she knew she had to share her knowledge with the millions of couples struggling in their marriages but unable to meet with Michele personally. In 1992, she wrote, Divorce Busting which quickly became a best-seller. “The rest,” they say, “is history”.

[Gunny376]

Cancel the court date. You've got the rest of your life~ fight damnit! You've got to want it!

[chadnickole]

Cancel the court date. You've got the rest of your life~ fight damnit! You've got to want it!

 

Gunny, she is the one who filed, I just signed the paper work!

I wish I could cancel it!

[chadnickole]

Dude! She's telling you what she needs and wants from you as a husband! She's given you the key.

 

Marriage couseling. There are different approaches. Most want to go back and do a deep examination of your inner child and examine how and why you are what you are today, and how you become who you are today.

 

Michelle Wernier-Davis' approach will give you what you need today right here and now ~ call these people. This marriage is salvageable, save-able, and do-able. http://www.divorcebusting.com

 

You and her both didn't have the skill set necessary to be married.

 

You guys sound so sure, and I do not even have a clue on how to approch her or even remotly what to say!1!!

[chadnickole]

What I thought about the lists she made....

 

Here is my responce I sent her

 

"At first there were some things on there that you had said I was doing that I didn't feel like I was (cold and resentful), But I know that I was being/acting all the negative ways you described, I can look at it all now and see exactly how you felt and I understand why!! I'm sorry I let it get to that point, I was too controlling, and unwilling to budge. If anything I can see my faults now, and know what I need to work on!!"

 

 

I'd rather talk in person too her about this not over Email, But she just may be courious as to what I thought!!

[Gunny376]

All I've got to add, is that the only thing my divorce did for me was to force me to seek out and change to become the man that my XW wanted and needed me to be, and such is the case here. By divorcing you, she's creating one Hell of a guy for some other woman, while she's of on a trek to find someone who's right for her, that will give her that which she wants, needs, and desires,..........when all the long she's already created that guy and left him behind. Meanwhile, your next SO's going to be like,.........."Where have you been all my life?"

[jmargel]

Chad, i'm not saying to push the MC issue right now. On monday you can just tell the courts that you decided against the divorce, they will get it cancelled.

 

Don't push anything on her, like I said before let her lead the way, but slowly guide her in the direction of counseling. Good response in your post, I would definetly talk to her in person. This is something she wants to see & hear. Call her tonight and ask her out for dinner and then start talking about what you two want.

 

Remember it's not just what you say but it's a frame of mind that you have to change. You need to change all these things within' yourself. Feel it, experience it, don't ever forget it. This is something you need to be aware of the rest of your life, otherwise things will go back to the way they were and by then it would be all over. Both of you need this instilled into you. It's basically changing negative aspects of your character/personality. Only with counseling will you begin the right journey, however like I said before take one day at a time. There is a time & place for everything.