I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[chadnickole]

~Happiness is not in our circumstance but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are

 

John B. Sheerin

 

 

~Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It's a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don't have. It's so simple—yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend.

~Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

~Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.

 

Anonymous

 

 

~Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing as you can and don't put off being happy until some future date.

 

Dale Carnegie

 

This is not a slam to you Nickole, They just made sense to me!! And I know your trying to find happiness!!

[COLOR=#0000ff]www.worldofquotes.com[/COLOR]

 

Nickole,

 

You know you want this Divorce, You say it in your actions, So stop procrastinating and just file the paperwork. It’s a hard step, I understand but you still have six months to think about it after it is filed. Do what you need to do, Move on with your Life, the grass is greener, it is what you want and need!! Just know that in no way am I giving up on You!! I've decided to make allot a changes in my mind to start to become the Husband I should have been. It is just to bad it was too late for You, I'm sorry for that!!

Nickole I never messed around on you, I never had an affair, I would never have done that. (I did use poor judgment when you left me, I should have given you more time.) But Morally I could never Have Cheated on you, especially after we had Zachary and were married, because losing my family wouldn't have been worth it. Even though I didn't show it enough You Two mean the world to me, I adore all you have done for me, and do at least want us to remain Friends. But I know you cannot forgive me for all the stupid stuff I've done, I was a fool in many ways, I didn't love you strong enough and fulfill all your needs

I would appreciate if you would treat me a little kinder. Enough of the being Nice to me one minute, and then crabby with me the next. Wednesday you were kind friendly pleasant!! Thursday you were crabby and short. I did nothing to you yesterday nor This morning!!

Zachary was really whiny last night, Missy said he didn't really get a Nap yesterday, So that may have been why he was cranky too. We ended up going to bed at 9:30. he was ready he grabbed his blankly and went to My bed and called for me, He so cute.

I'll pick Zachary up Today from Missy's after work, If you wouldn't mind could you let her know I'll be there around 5:30

 

Thank You

[riobikini]

re:

 

CN: "One night I followed all her friends bachk to her place, I went in and we started talking, I woke up the next morning and had panties in my pocket??? I would have remembered if we did anything, But she said we didn't and she didn't know how the panties were in my pocket.."

 

You *woke up* the next morning where? At your house? or hers?

 

You still had the same clothes on that you wore the previous night -panties still crammed in the pocket?

 

Or just got up the next morning and slipped on your old clothes (at your house?) and discovered panties in your pocket?

 

(What a nice house party, btw.)

 

And you would have remembered if you had done anything -because you weren't drinking or "partying" that much? or you were pretty sober?

 

But you *still* had to consult with her the next morning to make sure?

 

The panties are a mystery for me, too.

 

But under all the circumstances, so is your whole post.

 

-Rio

[chadnickole]

re:

 

 

 

You *woke up* the next morning where? At your house? or hers?

 

You still had the same clothes on that you wore the previous night -panties still crammed in the pocket?

 

Or just got up the next morning and slipped on your old clothes (at your house?) and discovered panties in your pocket?

 

(What a nice house party, btw.)

 

And you would have remembered if you had done anything -because you weren't drinking or "partying" that much? or you were pretty sober?

 

But you *still* had to consult with her the next morning to make sure?

 

The panties are a mystery for me, too.

 

But under all the circumstances, so is your whole post.

 

-Rio

 

I'm really sorry I don't feel like going over this again, It is in this post somewhere. bottom line is no nothing happened. I would also like to add that this all came about after I got my wifes ceephone records and found some 300 calls not including text messages to the same guy (Ex boyfriend)3 to 4 months before she moved out. Mind you this is a guy Who Screwed around on his wife, W/ my current wife for 3 months, He ****ed her and ditched her like a piece of garbage when he was done, so I can see her attraction to him now. Thing is in the end I know I tried and overlooked many things to keep a levelhead about wanting my marriage to work, And I'm still willing to work on it!!!!! But she gave up on it and our family, because she is weakminded and easily swayed by others so her choice her future her life, And my son will have to suffer because of her!!!!!! She will open her eyes someday when the sun go's down on that nice green grass she see's right now, I only hope that I will be strong enough to forgive her. and give her another chance because as of Now I do not trust her and don't feel like I ever could again, I hold alot of resentment towards her and what she did to our family. Bad thing is I always trusted her without a shadow of a doubt, I still love that crazy bitch. **** I'll hold in there a little bit longer least I can do for my Son. More than what I can say for her!!!!!

[Lor]

Nice letter Chad. Now follow thru on it.

[chadnickole]

Nice letter Chad. Now follow thru on it.

 

I'm trying to Lor, I promise it is just damn hard. Like gunny said you can't lose something twice. I trying to just back off compleatly but maintain the dedire to try if the time comes. That is my delima I can quit her, I just have to start thinking about all the things she has done to me and our family. But if I dwell on that than I won't be in the right mindset to want to work on things, if that time comes! I bumped into my First Long term girlfrind (I was 15 we were together for 2 years) as the courhouse the other day (getting info on divorce) she was ther with her husband of 7 years together for 10. she just found out he has been leading a double life the whole time (other woman) He was there with her, I shook his hand before she told me why they were there. I would have shook his hand anyway. So any way we went to see Saw3 last night. it was very wierd for me. I always wanted her back, But I don't know about that now!!! (I though maybe bumping into her was a sign) Any way I met her at the cinema watched the show thanks her for inviting me and went home and cryed for my family. Talking to her helps though, I just don't want my mind getting clouded!!!!

[chadnickole]

My Mother hppened to drive buy the wifes place and seen a truck there, of course she came and told me about it!! So I had her take me over there and I got to see The other guy face to face!! Talk about some closesur, I told her I didn't want other men around my Son, and that that is why she had 3 nights a week without him, I told her that I wouldn't have other Woman around him but she just keeps pulling **** up from the past, trying to down me. Now she says the only reason I'm going to Church is because I'm trying to make myself look better than her So I can get custody of my Son!! which I would never do, A son needs his mother and his father. Any way I'd say were threw, Now I just have to make sure I'm the best I can be for Our Son

[Gunny376]

My Mother hppened to drive buy the wifes place and seen a truck there, of course she came and told me about it!! So I had her take me over there and I got to see The other guy face to face!! Talk about some closesur,

 

OK! You've got that out of the way ~ now quit doing that! You're just setting yourself up for a whole lot of hurt, and it sets you back yards, for every inch that you've gained in moving forward. It accomplishes nothing, it acheives nothing, it un-does nothing, it prevents nothing, it un-does nothing. All it does is make it harder, and hurts you.

 

It does confirm that its time to move forward and on. You can't reconcile a marriage by yourself. You can't be in a marriage by yourself. At the very least, she's depending upon this guy for emotional support ~ aka she's having an emotional affair with the guy, (and may not even recoginze it as such ~ herself) As long as he's in the picture ~ you've got zero chance of reconciling ~ until he shows his true colors as the loser that he is ~ and her subsequent re-entry into the "real world" By then it may be too late ~ all you can do is let her bottom out.

[Guest]

OK! You've got that out of the way ~ now quit doing that! You're just setting yourself up for a whole lot of hurt, and it sets you back yards, for every inch that you've gained in moving forward. It accomplishes nothing, it acheives nothing, it un-does nothing, it prevents nothing, it un-does nothing. All it does is make it harder, and hurts you.

 

It does confirm that its time to move forward and on. You can't reconcile a marriage by yourself. You can't be in a marriage by yourself. At the very least, she's depending upon this guy for emotional support ~ aka she's having an emotional affair with the guy, (and may not even recoginze it as such ~ herself) As long as he's in the picture ~ you've got zero chance of reconciling ~ until he shows his true colors as the loser that he is ~ and her subsequent re-entry into the "real world" By then it may be too late ~ all you can do is let her bottom out.

 

I'm so bent out of shape right now, we agread we would not have other Boyfriend/Girlfriend around our son. She has 3 nights a week to do whatever she wants. As far as I'm concerned she crossed the line here, that last thing I wanted to do was have this turn ugly. Now its heading that way. Then after I get home the other Guy call me and and threatens me " if I have that kind of additude again with him he's gonna start a fight with me, and that I was lucky my wife and son were there" Who in the hell does this guy think he is??? He's steppin on my toes, He truely is garbage!!!

[chadnickole]

OK! You've got that out of the way ~ now quit doing that! You're just setting yourself up for a whole lot of hurt, and it sets you back yards, for every inch that you've gained in moving forward. It accomplishes nothing, it acheives nothing, it un-does nothing, it prevents nothing, it un-does nothing. All it does is make it harder, and hurts you.

 

It does confirm that its time to move forward and on. You can't reconcile a marriage by yourself. You can't be in a marriage by yourself. At the very least, she's depending upon this guy for emotional support ~ aka she's having an emotional affair with the guy, (and may not even recoginze it as such ~ herself) As long as he's in the picture ~ you've got zero chance of reconciling ~ until he shows his true colors as the loser that he is ~ and her subsequent re-entry into the "real world" By then it may be too late ~ all you can do is let her bottom out.

 

Man your right I'm so frustrated right now, I though her and I had an agreement on who what we were going to have around our Son, I guess I was wrong. I mean what has got to be going on in my sons head?? Man she makes me sick to my stomach, She has 3 nights out af the week she can do whatever the hell she wants!! All I know is when I walked in her and Brian were walking out of my Sons room. the lights were off in the room and the hallway, she said he was looking at the pictures in the hallway!! In The Dark?? Yeah, meanwhile my son was watching Finding Nemo in the front room!! My Son come running up to me, I pick him up hug and kiss him, She tells me to just leave, I said " I don't want that Piec of **** around my son" Meanwhile he's eye ****in me the whole time. I told him He needed to stop eye ****in me. I kissed my Son told him Daddy loves him, apologized for the way things were going, and walked out. Of course He was still eye****in Me!!!Very calmly I told Him to stop it, and if he wanted some to come get some!!! I walked outside to the middle of the driveway turned around Waved and got in the car And went home!!!

 

When I get home Brian Calls me and tells me, I disrespected him and that I was lucky Nickole and my Son were there, And next time He would fight me!! I said I'm up for the Challange come on over!!! I told him he was the Nuber one reason why Nickole and I could not reconcile and that he has broken up a family and limited the amout of time a Son can spend with his father and Mother, He feel absolutly no remorce for his actions, and in the end Nickole puts it all back on my shoulders!! She informs me that Brian is always giving her Money, to help her with bills and Groceries, that made me feel like a million bucks, like I don't do ****. I pay her car payment, her car insurance, help her with food for Zachary and pay half of the daycare!!! I'm starting to hate this chick if she wasn't the mother of my Son, I would have no problems wahing my hands of her.

 

When the sun go's down, that patch of green grass is just as black as the night. And I hate that my Son has to be involved with her irrational mind!!!

 

She found out that I had been visiting a church, and said I'm only doing that so I can make myself look better, to get custody of my Son, And that I feel I'm better than her, Sure at this time I feel more rational and stable than her but I don't think I'm better than anybody!!!!

 

Rant Rant Rant Rant

Okay take care guys Thank you

[Ladyjane14]

My Son come running up to me, I pick him up hug and kiss him, She tells me to just leave, I said " I don't want that Piec of **** around my son" Meanwhile he's eye ****in me the whole time. I told him He needed to stop eye ****in me. I kissed my Son told him Daddy loves him, apologized for the way things were going, and walked out. Of course He was still eye****in Me!!!Very calmly I told Him to stop it, and if he wanted some to come get some!!! I walked outside to the middle of the driveway turned around Waved and got in the car And went home!!!

 

Honey, don't let your son see any of that. You are literally handing your STBX ammunition to use against you.

 

Get back with your attorney, get the background check on the OM, and push your separation agreement through. You need to be giving as little financial help to STBX as the law will allow. She needs to feel the pinch, and OM needs to feel the hand picking his pocket.

 

Don't be the glue that binds these two together.

Whenever you present yourself as an adversary, you give them a common goal in the form of a common enemy.

 

180's and Indifference. Don't talk to the woman unless it's absolutely necessary. Keep it brief, and ALL BUSINESS. Let her feel the hole you've left behind in her life, and let her see you smile on the rare occasions when she catches a glimpse of you.

[riobikini]

The recent incident where you met the "other guy" just caused a turn for the worst -but you already know that, now.

 

And I'm sure that your son is *aware* of the situation more keenly, perhaps, than even you realize: kids get to hear the "talk" in the home (normally from their primary caregivers -in this case his mom).

 

He also probably gets to hear at least *some* feedback from the "new guy" about the situation when it's being discussed with your estranged wife -and whatever is said about *you* -has the ability to cut like a knife.

 

So his stomach churns when he hears "bad" things about you -it's because of his love for you and his allegiance to you, his father.

 

Moms and dads, alike, do this to their children in these situations, without realizing the damage being done.

 

Both you and your estranged wife *need* to cut out the conversations being carried on in front of your child.

 

And I agree that she doesn't need to be dragging a "new guy" in the home, hanging around "keeping her company" so soon.

 

See a lawyer about that -I think it may serve you to know exactly where you might stand with that issue alone. (Question to her in regards to the laws in your state: "Are you sleeping with him? Is he "staying over"? Is he there many hours during the day -or night? ") Find out whether or not his presence there under certain conditions give your right to a divorce a better standing. If needed, hire a detective to document.

 

As far as the Prozac-taking goes, Google it and understand more about *how* it works and *why* it's given. Read all about it and get to know it well.

 

That may help you understand some of what is going on with your wife.

 

Probably a little late now, but marriage counseling (BOTH of you) *early* on in your marriage might have been helpful. At the least, it couldn't have hurt.

 

Important things now?

 

Not allowing things to become violent, or nastier than they are; keeping the lines of communication open with your son, and letting him see you as stable, and trustworthy, and assuring him that you are *available* -no matter what.

 

Keeping whatever remaining lines of communication possible with your estranged wife is also important -it's directly hinged to the ones that bind you with your son.

 

So do what you must, but don't take them for granted, and don't damage them further, unnecessarily.

 

Take some time to realize exactly what you *can* do in this situation, and what you *can't* do -and accept them.

 

That's a big pill to swallow, I know, but many have done it -so can you.

 

Be always aware of your behavior and your words -e.g. your tone as well as the specific words you choose when you speak to your estranged wife.

 

As much as it may hurt -or as difficult as it may be to accomplish- start adopting the "civil" approach in dealing with all matters concerning her.

 

About the "other man": do not make him the focus of your anger -he's a factor in this you have little -or no- control over, except in how *you* handle the knowledge that he's somehow in the picture.

 

You can continue to judge the influence of the other man in regards to your son, but that's about as far as it goes -it's your estranged wife that is calling the shots when it comes to whether or not he's present in the home or not, or has contact with your son.

 

If he is a dangerous man, tell your lawyer -but don't inform your estranged wife about your actions beforehand.

 

By now, you should have the days/hours worked out concerning when you will see your child, and where/how he will be picked up by you for visiting.

 

Prepare yourself hours ahead of time for the "pick-up" part of these visits, where you may not just be encountering your estranged wife, but the "other man" , as well.

 

Keep your cool -*determine* yourself to get through it as smoothly as possible.

 

It's just another thing that will probably stick in your craw to see him there, but don't let yourself fall apart.

 

Do it for your son's sake.

 

And give your son a respite -some relief- from the tenseness of the whole mess when he's with you: if he wants to talk about it, let him; if he asks you questions, answer them. But don't go overboard in getting into the depth of your hurt and anger over the situation.

 

Just let him know you're still his dad and that he's got someone he can rely on to help him through this.

 

As much as you -he *needs* to know that.

 

Stop sending flowers to your estranged wife.

 

By the looks of things -and even in consideration that she's taking the Prozac for a *reason*- she has "let go" of anything resembling what constitutes the criteria of a marriage, at least, a good one.

 

Grasp it now, and begin rebuilding your life, starting with *you*, and secondly you as a single dad with a son.

 

Getting to the point where you can begin accepting that it's over will mark a new stage in your life -one that will someday become a pool of new strength and open doors to you -not a painful burden that keeps you locked in depression.

 

Try a few of the things I have suggested.

 

I hope this helps you -and others who may be going through a similar situation.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. Pardon the typos and bad grammar.

[chadnickole]

The recent incident where you met the "other guy" just caused a turn for the worst -but you already know that, now.

 

And I'm sure that your son is *aware* of the situation more keenly, perhaps, than even you realize: kids get to hear the "talk" in the home (normally from their primary caregivers -in this case his mom).

 

He also probably gets to hear at least *some* feedback from the "new guy" about the situation when it's being discussed with your estranged wife -and whatever is said about *you* -has the ability to cut like a knife.

 

So his stomach churns when he hears "bad" things about you -it's because of his love for you and his allegiance to you, his father.

 

Moms and dads, alike, do this to their children in these situations, without realizing the damage being done.

 

Both you and your estranged wife *need* to cut out the conversations being carried on in front of your child.

 

And I agree that she doesn't need to be dragging a "new guy" in the home, hanging around "keeping her company" so soon.

 

See a lawyer about that -I think it may serve you to know exactly where you might stand with that issue alone. (Question to her in regards to the laws in your state: "Are you sleeping with him? Is he "staying over"? Is he there many hours during the day -or night? ") Find out whether or not his presence there under certain conditions give your right to a divorce a better standing. If needed, hire a detective to document.

 

As far as the Prozac-taking goes, Google it and understand more about *how* it works and *why* it's given. Read all about it and get to know it well.

 

That may help you understand some of what is going on with your wife.

 

Probably a little late now, but marriage counseling (BOTH of you) *early* on in your marriage might have been helpful. At the least, it couldn't have hurt.

 

Important things now?

 

Not allowing things to become violent, or nastier than they are; keeping the lines of communication open with your son, and letting him see you as stable, and trustworthy, and assuring him that you are *available* -no matter what.

 

Keeping whatever remaining lines of communication possible with your estranged wife is also important -it's directly hinged to the ones that bind you with your son.

 

So do what you must, but don't take them for granted, and don't damage them further, unnecessarily.

 

Take some time to realize exactly what you *can* do in this situation, and what you *can't* do -and accept them.

 

That's a big pill to swallow, I know, but many have done it -so can you.

 

Be always aware of your behavior and your words -e.g. your tone as well as the specific words you choose when you speak to your estranged wife.

 

As much as it may hurt -or as difficult as it may be to accomplish- start adopting the "civil" approach in dealing with all matters concerning her.

 

About the "other man": do not make him the focus of your anger -he's a factor in this you have little -or no- control over, except in how *you* handle the knowledge that he's somehow in the picture.

 

You can continue to judge the influence of the other man in regards to your son, but that's about as far as it goes -it's your estranged wife that is calling the shots when it comes to whether or not he's present in the home or not, or has contact with your son.

 

If he is a dangerous man, tell your lawyer -but don't inform your estranged wife about your actions beforehand.

 

By now, you should have the days/hours worked out concerning when you will see your child, and where/how he will be picked up by you for visiting.

 

Prepare yourself hours ahead of time for the "pick-up" part of these visits, where you may not just be encountering your estranged wife, but the "other man" , as well.

 

Keep your cool -*determine* yourself to get through it as smoothly as possible.

 

It's just another thing that will probably stick in your craw to see him there, but don't let yourself fall apart.

 

Do it for your son's sake.

 

And give your son a respite -some relief- from the tenseness of the whole mess when he's with you: if he wants to talk about it, let him; if he asks you questions, answer them. But don't go overboard in getting into the depth of your hurt and anger over the situation.

 

Just let him know you're still his dad and that he's got someone he can rely on to help him through this.

 

As much as you -he *needs* to know that.

 

Stop sending flowers to your estranged wife.

 

By the looks of things -and even in consideration that she's taking the Prozac for a *reason*- she has "let go" of anything resembling what constitutes the criteria of a marriage, at least, a good one.

 

Grasp it now, and begin rebuilding your life, starting with *you*, and secondly you as a single dad with a son.

 

Getting to the point where you can begin accepting that it's over will mark a new stage in your life -one that will someday become a pool of new strength and open doors to you -not a painful burden that keeps you locked in depression.

 

Try a few of the things I have suggested.

 

I hope this helps you -and others who may be going through a similar situation.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. Pardon the typos and bad grammar.

 

 

 

Thanks RIO

[chadnickole]

Honey, don't let your son see any of that. You are literally handing your STBX ammunition to use against you.

 

Get back with your attorney, get the background check on the OM, and push your separation agreement through. You need to be giving as little financial help to STBX as the law will allow. She needs to feel the pinch, and OM needs to feel the hand picking his pocket.

 

Don't be the glue that binds these two together.

Whenever you present yourself as an adversary, you give them a common goal in the form of a common enemy.

 

180's and Indifference. Don't talk to the woman unless it's absolutely necessary. Keep it brief, and ALL BUSINESS. Let her feel the hole you've left behind in her life, and let her see you smile on the rare occasions when she catches a glimpse of you.

 

Sorry Ladyjane I just caught your post in the middle of all the craziness. Do you actuallt think I have a shot at recociliation, because to me it is now hopeless!! Thank you

[Guest]

i was just gonna fill in the blanks...

 

i am a sorry you got hurt but remember what i state i was in and also remember - i posted before...i know that when the chance was presented that ms. eli - evil was ready to pounce...she has done it so many times

 

gawd i can think of at least 10 different times - i think that is freaking worse

 

and if u want to believe i had anything remotely associated with someone online! maybe if they lived in ottawa [but that would have been u]

 

look all u have to remember, is, that i fully accept being the person that did all that...if u wish to fully understand the details - i can provide but

 

basically i goes like this...see, i am not a coward like some setup con artists !

 

yah, i made really bad choices - would u consider it cheating - yup - i checked out emotional long before that - depression and blow does that - hey, you were there

 

this all started by you and the criminal doing fake profiles even before we met

then when we did the fakes continued...i have one that was so funny...hey, when women pm u u know its fake! shhhhhhhhhhhhhhesh

anyways, i'll post it here u can delete if but i am sure iron lady is all over it - anyhooooooooooooooo

if u remember correctly, all this stated from u and i simnply talking about sex via msn...yup...and as hard as it is to believe for some *******s, being a writer i wanted to see if i could rely 'feelings' thru text, thru a cold evil medium and have it 'context' understood...i think that happened once...did i ever get off doing that - PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAASE...all this was out in the open with u...u brought up videos...by then we were already on shaky ground..and i was whacked...remember try and include everything eh?

 

i was basically talking to myself, hiding from pain, punishing myself...geeee, i love doing somethiong like that! maybe eli got off on it but this was me punishing myself...and have u ever cybered? it is like wtcahing paint dry...nothing sexual about online stuff...so...anyhoooooo...i will fill u in whenever u wish but not with broom crazy around

 

i am truly sorry i became a freaking loser...and i am not justifying anything

to be honest i think doing dope was a zillion times worse

i think crumbling as a man in front of the kids a zilllion times worse

being set up by *******s a zillion times wosre

 

was it disrespectful - absolutely

did it cross the line into cheating - sure

did it become something real - never

did i realize that it was something really bad - no - it happened during a period when i couldn't tie my shoes so how could i make a judgement then

do i see it as morally wrong now - duh

would i do it again - only with eli because she was hot

 

there more if u wish

[riobikini]

You know, Chad -you are always welcome. (Smile)

 

Just keep your chin off the floor as much as possible, force yourself to stop looking at the past and regretting: always looking back and regretting can land you in a hole of torment that can blind you as surely as if you had both your eyes poked out, and without your realizing it, cause you to miss the better prospects of life and it'll just float on by without you.

 

Rarely do people see the potential good in some of the most painful crossroads of their -our- lives.

 

What looks like the end of the happiest times of your life can be exceeded beyond your wildest dreams after that turning point has drained you, changed you, and claimed you as an artifact.

 

But as much as these kinds of experiences can change us, there's much more out there on the horizon, beyond all you've gone through that will one day -believe it or not- make you do one of two things, or both.

 

And that is -you will thank God you learned you were stronger than the difficult time you went through- and you will use the experience to help someone else.

 

These terrible, painful, hard things in life have the ability to give you new "eyes" and certainly, a new heart.

 

The harder things are for you, the more you will understand and be able to use your experience.

 

And that's a very good thing.

 

More good that can come out of this?

 

Well -let's see- there's your son, who'll get to see his father have an opportunity to become a true-to-life hero of sorts, by demonstrating -with tremendous effort, of course- how a real man handles difficult situations like this.

 

And -believe me- he'll be watching, taking it all in, and storing it for future reference.

 

It's not so much how this *situation* turns out that is the focus: it's how *you* turn out.

 

I wish you the best -and though I think you may be in for some rough times, yet -I believe that, if you think before you jump, and give strong effort to staying focused with your *future* goals for you and your son- you'll do just fine.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[chadnickole]

Wow (guest) I have absoultly no Idea were you are coming from! I'm completly lost in that post of yours

[chadnickole]

Well I go to see an attorney today he's affilated with A.D.A.M. Mens rights or something. Any way I'm sick to my stomach and Don't know if I'll be able to hold it together! This is very hard even thoughshe told me she files alraedy threw her attorney.

 

My Uncle told me She is the Enemy Now. And do not talk to her, but only when needed and be cival, short but un-emotional

 

My appointment is At 2:00pm

[jmargel]

Alright Chad.. Sorry I didn't see your posts earlier but the advice I have given on here I have been told has been very beneficial to others. Along with that I was in almost the same scenario as you, and in the end I'm with my wife and things have gotten quite a bit better.

 

First off, you are playing the game. As long as you play it, you will lose in the end. She is slowly stringing you along. What really needs to be done here is choices need to be made. In order to get to that, one must use 'Tough love', in which you are but then you are back-tracking. Tough-love doesn't mean, you have to be rude, mean, file for divorce or arrogant. What it does mean is that you need to in-still that confidence that you had in yourself. Women love that, and as long as you roll-over and piddle then nothing will change. If you *really* want change, talk to her in a nice tone of voice. Speak to her directly, telling her that you want this marriage to work but that is a choice she needs to make as well. That you are (and make an appt. to) going to counseling and you would like for her to come to marriage counseling with you. Let her know that you have both made mistakes in this marriage and it has really started with just the communication between you two, however that doesn't mean you are incompatibile.

 

If she starts talking about things you have done wrong, tell her (and this is of utmost importance) that 'I understand'. As long as she feels she's being understood you will get alot further with her. However do not let her lay blanket statements on you. If she does, ask her for examples and if she gives some and even though you want to tell her why she is wrong or shouldn't feel that way, just tell her again 'I understand'. And then let her know that's something you want to work on.

 

This ex of hers is playing a big part of what's been going on. He's going to try to get her back so anytime there is a third party in the mix nothing will get accomplished. If she wants to work on things with you, it is a *must* that she breaks all contact with her ex or any other guy that she has confided into.

 

I had a similiar problem such as yours, couple months after I got married my wife started talking with her ex. I got the same answers as you did with your wife (I just look at him as a friend, etc..). I went through all the emotions, tried being sweet, mean, yelling, trying to win her love.. Then what I noticed by talking to a few psychologists was that this problem is hers. Her, like your wife suffers from 'immaturity'. Not sure how your wife was brought up, but mine was from a broken home. The only way things would work is by using Tough love. From there on out, the 'I love yous' did not come from me first, however I would respond with them if she did first. I also opened up the cage and told her if she wishes to be with him and wants to go, then fly.. However if she wants to be with me then there are conditions that need to be met. I had to clearly state what I wanted & expected from her. This is something you need to do with your wife as well. The biggest thing here is that I gave her that option (what do you think kids do when they dont respect you and you tell them to do something? they do the opposite). Second I made her face the consequences of what she's been doing. When I found out that she was still talking to him behind my back I demanded her to move out. She was always so fast to say she could leave, but when I told her to she didn't.. It was only then she had to face what she was doing was wrong.

 

My only suggestion at this point is to stop playing the game. Stop threatening with divorce, stop saying 'I'll take you back when you are ready' and start putting some confidence back into yourself. If you want I can write you the letter that I believe you should send to her. Perhaps you can read what I would write and suit it to your words.

[Gunny376]

Alright Chad.. Sorry I didn't see your posts earlier but the advice I have given on here I have been told has been very beneficial to others. Along with that I was in almost the same scenario as you, and in the end I'm with my wife and things have gotten quite a bit better.

 

First off, you are playing the game. As long as you play it, you will lose in the end. She is slowly stringing you along. What really needs to be done here is choices need to be made. In order to get to that, one must use 'Tough love', in which you are but then you are back-tracking. Tough-love doesn't mean, you have to be rude, mean, file for divorce or arrogant. What it does mean is that you need to in-still that confidence that you had in yourself. Women love that, and as long as you roll-over and piddle then nothing will change. If you *really* want change, talk to her in a nice tone of voice. Speak to her directly, telling her that you want this marriage to work but that is a choice she needs to make as well. That you are (and make an appt. to) going to counseling and you would like for her to come to marriage counseling with you. Let her know that you have both made mistakes in this marriage and it has really started with just the communication between you two, however that doesn't mean you are incompatibile.

 

If she starts talking about things you have done wrong, tell her (and this is of utmost importance) that 'I understand'. As long as she feels she's being understood you will get alot further with her. However do not let her lay blanket statements on you. If she does, ask her for examples and if she gives some and even though you want to tell her why she is wrong or shouldn't feel that way, just tell her again 'I understand'. And then let her know that's something you want to work on.

 

This ex of hers is playing a big part of what's been going on. He's going to try to get her back so anytime there is a third party in the mix nothing will get accomplished. If she wants to work on things with you, it is a *must* that she breaks all contact with her ex or any other guy that she has confided into.

 

I had a similiar problem such as yours, couple months after I got married my wife started talking with her ex. I got the same answers as you did with your wife (I just look at him as a friend, etc..). I went through all the emotions, tried being sweet, mean, yelling, trying to win her love.. Then what I noticed by talking to a few psychologists was that this problem is hers. Her, like your wife suffers from 'immaturity'. Not sure how your wife was brought up, but mine was from a broken home. The only way things would work is by using Tough love. From there on out, the 'I love yous' did not come from me first, however I would respond with them if she did first. I also opened up the cage and told her if she wishes to be with him and wants to go, then fly.. However if she wants to be with me then there are conditions that need to be met. I had to clearly state what I wanted & expected from her. This is something you need to do with your wife as well. The biggest thing here is that I gave her that option (what do you think kids do when they dont respect you and you tell them to do something? they do the opposite). Second I made her face the consequences of what she's been doing. When I found out that she was still talking to him behind my back I demanded her to move out. She was always so fast to say she could leave, but when I told her to she didn't.. It was only then she had to face what she was doing was wrong.

 

My only suggestion at this point is to stop playing the game. Stop threatening with divorce, stop saying 'I'll take you back when you are ready' and start putting some confidence back into yourself. If you want I can write you the letter that I believe you should send to her. Perhaps you can read what I would write and suit it to your words.

 

Outstanding post jmargel, simply outstanding.

 

And if you would please by all means post the letter for Chad and other "lurkers" I'm always up to learn something.

 

But, outstanding advice, I agree wholeheartly

 

Chad, go by WalMart and get some Equate anti-nausea medicine, sip it until your stomach calms down. Its nerves and anxiety ~ I use to have bad bouts with it and throwing up when I was going through it. (It comes from not eating) or try eating some crackers.

[jmargel]

Thanks Gunny.. I found that when in these situations the best thing to do is take your hurt, put it aside and then put yourself into their shoes and try to feel & think what they are experiencing. It then gives me a better perspective on how to react. At times it's very hard to do, kinda like putting yourself outside of the situation but I find it to be more effective.

 

Any event, here is the letter. If it's something like you have written before let me know and I will adjust some things. It's written with the intent to let her know you love her but that you are ready to have decisions made. Note that I didn't elaborate on wanting to move on without her since that's not what you really want. Though it is in there because she needs to face the consequences on what's going on. Hope this helps. I would put this into a word document and put a nice script font on it. Putting a small card with it, just saying 'I love you' wouldn't hurt either. But nothing grand, no gifts, etc..

 

Let me know how what she says.. Once you give her the letter don't do anything.. Let her make the next move. It might take days or even a week or two. Be patient.

 

-Jeff

 

 

The letter:

 

My Dearest Wife Nikole,

 

This is something that I needed to write so that I can get everything out without stumbling over my words. All I ask is that you read this whole letter. These past couple of months have been something I never thought would happen, something in my wildest nightmares would not have expected. When I married you it was truly the happiest day of my life, and I look back upon it with such great memories. Along with that, I want to let you know I love you, more than words can express. I often find it hard at times to come up with the right things to say or how to express myself and if there is anything I can do to let you feel what you really mean to me, I will.

 

Over the past few months that you have not been in my life, you have made me really think of how we both treated each other and what I want in my life. Looking back at things I can now understand how you may feel confused about our marriage now. I made mistakes and one thing I know for sure is that I will make them again, although never the same mistake twice. I can say confidentally that I am ready to deal with our issues and hope we can move forward together. You, me and Zachery. Though that is a decision that you have to make for yourself. Throughout all this confusion I hope you will goto counseling with me. This is something I am doing for myself, but I so hope that you decide to come with me so we can better communicate with each other. I know in my heart that, though we might not understand each other all the time that doesn't mean we aren't compatitable. Out of all the millions of people out there, we chose each other and we both know the reasons why. I could go on for pages of everything that is good in you. What I can say sorry for is me getting so comfortable with you that it made me take you for granted alot of these times. It wasn't something I did intentionally, nor was any of the times that you felt hurt. However I still accept responsibility for it.

 

What happened with that other girl is the truth. I would gladly give you her number so you can talk to her. I'm sorry any of that happened but please know in my heart that I did not cheat. I was and still am hurt as well. When you confide in him, I feel like I'm sharing you, that our problems become worse because another person is involved. It seems like we both have not put 100% into this marriage and I would love nothing more than to give us another try.

 

I don't want a divorce and somewhere deep inside I hope you don't as well. Remember our vows, I do. I know we both have hurdles to overcome in life but I hope we can get over them together if you want to. I really do miss you and I think of you often. If you don't want to though, just please tell me. Though it would be hard I would have no choice but to move on. I wish nothing more than to see you happy in life. Although nothing would make me more happier and prouder to raise Zach with you and grow old together.

 

All my love,

 

Chad

[chadnickole]

Thanks Gunny.. I found that when in these situations the best thing to do is take your hurt, put it aside and then put yourself into their shoes and try to feel & think what they are experiencing. It then gives me a better perspective on how to react. At times it's very hard to do, kinda like putting yourself outside of the situation but I find it to be more effective.

 

Any event, here is the letter. If it's something like you have written before let me know and I will adjust some things. It's written with the intent to let her know you love her but that you are ready to have decisions made. Note that I didn't elaborate on wanting to move on without her since that's not what you really want. Though it is in there because she needs to face the consequences on what's going on. Hope this helps. I would put this into a word document and put a nice script font on it. Putting a small card with it, just saying 'I love you' wouldn't hurt either. But nothing grand, no gifts, etc..

 

Let me know how what she says.. Once you give her the letter don't do anything.. Let her make the next move. It might take days or even a week or two. Be patient.

 

-Jeff

 

These feel like my own word, very good. We just had a huge blowup. she thiks i'm trying to screw her out of Childsupport and take our son from her. so when things cool a bit I'll deliver this letter

and again thank you

for your support, One things is I'm good with whatever happens I'll fight for my son to the death and if she can't be there than so be it. I'd rather her try but, i'm washing my hands

Chad

[Gunny376]

Thanks Gunny.. I found that when in these situations the best thing to do is take your hurt, put it aside and then put yourself into their shoes and try to feel & think what they are experiencing. It then gives me a better perspective on how to react. At times it's very hard to do, kinda like putting yourself outside of the situation but I find it to be more effective.

 

Any event, here is the letter. If it's something like you have written before let me know and I will adjust some things. It's written with the intent to let her know you love her but that you are ready to have decisions made. Note that I didn't elaborate on wanting to move on without her since that's not what you really want. Though it is in there because she needs to face the consequences on what's going on. Hope this helps. I would put this into a word document and put a nice script font on it. Putting a small card with it, just saying 'I love you' wouldn't hurt either. But nothing grand, no gifts, etc..

 

Let me know how what she says.. Once you give her the letter don't do anything.. Let her make the next move. It might take days or even a week or two. Be patient.

 

-Jeff

 

 

The letter:

 

My Dearest Wife Nikole,

 

This is something that I needed to write so that I can get everything out without stumbling over my words. All I ask is that you read this whole letter. These past couple of months have been something I never thought would happen, something in my wildest nightmares would not have expected. When I married you it was truly the happiest day of my life, and I look back upon it with such great memories. Along with that, I want to let you know I love you, more than words can express. I often find it hard at times to come up with the right things to say or how to express myself and if there is anything I can do to let you feel what you really mean to me, I will.

 

Over the past few months that you have not been in my life, you have made me really think of how we both treated each other and what I want in my life. Looking back at things I can now understand how you may feel confused about our marriage now. I made mistakes and one thing I know for sure is that I will make them again, although never the same mistake twice. I can say confidentally that I am ready to deal with our issues and hope we can move forward together. You, me and Zachery. Though that is a decision that you have to make for yourself. Throughout all this confusion I hope you will goto counseling with me. This is something I am doing for myself, but I so hope that you decide to come with me so we can better communicate with each other. I know in my heart that, though we might not understand each other all the time that doesn't mean we aren't compatitable. Out of all the millions of people out there, we chose each other and we both know the reasons why. I could go on for pages of everything that is good in you. What I can say sorry for is me getting so comfortable with you that it made me take you for granted alot of these times. It wasn't something I did intentionally, nor was any of the times that you felt hurt. However I still accept responsibility for it.

 

What happened with that other girl is the truth. I would gladly give you her number so you can talk to her. I'm sorry any of that happened but please know in my heart that I did not cheat. I was and still am hurt as well. When you confide in him, I feel like I'm sharing you, that our problems become worse because another person is involved. It seems like we both have not put 100% into this marriage and I would love nothing more than to give us another try.

 

I don't want a divorce and somewhere deep inside I hope you don't as well. Remember our vows, I do. I know we both have hurdles to overcome in life but I hope we can get over them together if you want to. I really do miss you and I think of you often. If you don't want to though, just please tell me. Though it would be hard I would have no choice but to move on. I wish nothing more than to see you happy in life. Although nothing would make me more happier and prouder to raise Zach with you and grow old together.

 

All my love,

 

Chad

 

The premise is the same as it was sixteen years ago for me. I love you so much ~ that I'd rather see you with someone else and be happy ~ than be miserable with me!

 

That's hard! All day hard!

 

I feel kind of cheated ~ in that I just didn't know!

[jmargel]

These feel like my own word, very good. We just had a huge blowup. she thiks i'm trying to screw her out of Childsupport and take our son from her. so when things cool a bit I'll deliver this letter

and again thank you

for your support, One things is I'm good with whatever happens I'll fight for my son to the death and if she can't be there than so be it. I'd rather her try but, i'm washing my hands

Chad

 

Don't talk to her for a few days.. Let her cool off and let her come to you, when she does then give her the letter.

 

The more angrier she gets the more it tells me that she could be cheating. Though don't put much into that unless you have proof. It just seems that's the way cheaters act.

[ilmw]

Great post JM!

 

Chad......

 

Stop worrying about reconcilation with your W... The reason I say this is... and I'll use what I am experiencing as my example...

 

When I thought about it... wanted it....NOW.. wanted to hold my breath until I turned blue stamping my feet.... I could not realy focus on anything else.... I forced myself to stop doing this.... by getting busy... doing stuff... getting a life...etc

 

Now I don't feel ill... I actually sleep better now... (well that also has to do with finally putting my king size bed together... finally... all the srews went missing.... found one.. took it to the hardware store... but lost it... went in anyway and got... Yup the wrong ones... ...went back the other day and got the wright ones.... Now sleepen like a King...pure luxury )

 

Anyway... I digress....

 

Trust me Chad... I would love nothing more than to have my family whole again... I too miss my DW... but I am in a good place now... happy with myself... etc...

 

Never give up hope...

 

but don't worry about it... because as I'm sure you know ... there is nothing you , I or anyone... in our shoes can do about it... and as I have learned myself... if there is nothing you can do about something.... don't worry about it.... because it just exhausts you...

 

and when you are exhausted.... all the crap we are trying to be strong about.... tends to get amplified.... and we are weak... and because we are weak... our resistance is low... and we lose consentration ... and we think about things...and worry about them... which exhausts us... because we can't do anything about them.....

 

Now read that over a couple of times.. and you will forget about anything you are worrying about...

 

because while writing it... I forgot what the hell I was talking about. .. :lmao: :lmao: ..

 

ilmw.....

[chadnickole]

Great post JM!

 

 

Now read that over a couple of times.. and you will forget about anything you are worrying about...

 

because while writing it... I forgot what the hell I was talking about. .. :lmao: :lmao: ..

 

ilmw.....

 

I read it 4 times and will read it some more later, Enjoy your bed as I will enjoy mine, Its a Queen you know. My son hogs it when he comes in ther late at night..