I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

[Gunny376]

I have been Giving time for 3 days, she just called me, she went to the shrink today about her meds, and he confirmed every thing a said about prozac just masking the issues and allowing a person to be cold-hearted. He also told her she was 75% at fault in this whole situation, I say 50/50 but whatever. He said that she was the reason I was being a bad Husband because she was acting like my child instead of mr Wife! I don't don't know the guy sounds like a jerk to me!

 

 

Dude! You don't know too many Korean women do you? I've been to Korea. In many parts of Asia ~ women are indeed viewed as second class citizens. South Korea isn't one of them.

 

You marry a Korean woman ~ and say I do "for better or worse" ~ its going to be a coin toss as to which one its going to be.

 

From what you described he's telling her to grow the **** up, take responsibility, and be accountable. Both of you have acted as though your still in HS.

 

Life's hard ~ and marriage is part of life ~ its harder if your stupid. You and her aren't stupid ~ but you have been ignorant ~ ignorant of how to be married. The difference between stupidity and ignorance is when you ignorant you just didn't know any better ~ stupidity? That's when you know better and do it anyway. Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expceting different results. Ignorance is not knowing any better.

[Gunny376]

When I say she's wanting and needing reassurances from her, you've got to show it ~ not tell her directly.

 

How? By distancing yourself from other women and not flirting with and smiling at everything in a skirt that walks by. By putting yourself above reproach.

[chadnickole]

I've alraedy done the distancing thing from other girls, and i never really looked and smiled at other females, every once in a great while not to flirt, but to be kind, I have a very hard time with being overly kind to people, even when I don't want too!! I can really reasure her if we are not hanging out much though, so all i can do right now is vocalize!! (Right?)

[Gunny376]

Women have a reconisence and intellegence gathering network that the CIA would be envious of. She knows more about what going on with you and in your life than you think she does.

 

You keep thinking she doesn't and step out of line, and see if she doesn't throw you azz under the bus with it.

 

"I saw Chad at the bank,.....................

 

"I saw Chad at the 7/11.......................

 

"I saw Chad at..............................

 

"I saw Chad with.....................................

 

People you don't even know, that are familiar with you can throw you under the bus. My bud Bills XW, was shacked up with this guy, named "W" he was in a town about 30 miles away, talking to a friend of his, who introduced him to the woman "Bill this is ________________, ______________ this is Bill, Bill lives in _____________. "Oh really! Do you know "W", "Oh! W, yea he lives with my XW! Haha!"

 

 

"WHAT!"

 

W was shacked up with Bill's XW but was seeing this gal on the side! It was not pretty and is was not fun! By the time all was said and done, all that was needed was a mop, a bucket, and a Preacher!

[chadnickole]

well I'm very faithful, this is the only time i let a woman get close to me since i've been with my wife even before marriage, and i only allowed it because i thought she was leaving me for good and i was hurt, all the mistakes i've made will be worked on tramendously, I will not be so stuborn about being controled (feeling controled). if the opertunity arises she will see a huge change in my attitude, at that point it will be up to her!!

[Lor]

Gonna answer me, Chad? Have you told her you'll give her time to come to a decision on her own?

 

If she's calling you, that's a good sign. Not to get your hopes up but she's keeping the lines of communication open--if she didn't want you at all, she'd have kicked your butt to the curb.

 

The dose of reality from the shrink wasn't a bad thing but betcha she'll quit going to that one. No one, especially the one who leaves, likes to be told the majority of the problems are their fault. A lot of times they go looking for sympathy and when they don't get it, instead of listening, they're gone.

[chadnickole]

the only thing I have to worry about is my familys happieness, I realize this more now than ever my Wife and Son are the best possible things to ever happen to me!! If i can't change for the better to make them happy than somebody shoot me now!! This is a No brainer

[chadnickole]

Gonna answer me, Chad? Have you told her you'll give her time to come to a decision on her own?

 

If she's calling you, that's a good sign. Not to get your hopes up but she's keeping the lines of communication open--if she didn't want you at all, she'd have kicked your butt to the curb.

 

The dose of reality from the shrink wasn't a bad thing but betcha she'll quit going to that one. No one, especially the one who leaves, likes to be told the majority of the problems are their fault. A lot of times they go looking for sympathy and when they don't get it, instead of listening, they're gone.

 

 

Yes I told her I'd give her, her space. she also said she probaly would not see that shrink again! but she also said she didn't want a Woman shrink because she would be bias

[Lor]

Yep, the woman shrink would drag you thru the mud. Sorry, I don't believe in shrinks, but this is my own opinion and experiences. This place is my support line.

 

okay, what was her response? oh, and, if she calls to talk to you, don't try and help her come to a decision, let her work it out on her own. If she asks if you two can get over this, let her know you are willing to but she's the only one who can figure out if she can. Stuff like that. Let her call you--not the other way around. Unless she starts getting upset that you aren't calling her, then you are allowed.

 

i know its all confusing but you have a good chance of making it--if you don't blow it!

[chadnickole]

Yep, the woman shrink would drag you thru the mud. Sorry, I don't believe in shrinks, but this is my own opinion and experiences. This place is my support line.

 

okay, what was her response? oh, and, if she calls to talk to you, don't try and help her come to a decision, let her work it out on her own. If she asks if you two can get over this, let her know you are willing to but she's the only one who can figure out if she can. Stuff like that. Let her call you--not the other way around. Unless she starts getting upset that you aren't calling her, then you are allowed.

 

i know its all confusing but you have a good chance of making it--if you don't blow it!

 

 

I a pretty calm and laidback guy, most of the time don't believe i could even get upset, but I have my moments. I'll do my best not to get aggitated and blow up!!

[Lor]

You know.....a woman shrink maybe wouldn't be a bad idea.....hmmm. when the woman shrink I went to started calling my H lazy, that ticked me off. He may be a jerk, but he isn't lazy.....

 

You're a good guy. Follow (some of) the advice on here and you'll be one of our poster children yet....

[chadnickole]

We are going to cedar point saturday just the two of us too get away from everything and have alittle fun in the process!! any advice??

[Gunny376]

Make her laugh, make her smile, keep it positive, keep it light ~ and for the Love of God .....................make it fun, fun, fun.

 

Don't get into any heavy discussions, just re-build the attraction. Give her a day to remember, enjoy, have fun. Then when she goes back, give her the gift of missing you. With good positive memories.

 

If she ask you a question, stop, pause, think about it, (what is she saying from her perspective) and ALWAYS follow up any and all answers with "Why do you ask." Make "we, and you" statements. Leave "I" at the house. Leave your cell on vibrate, don't be checking your messages, etc. Leave it in the car if you can.

[Lor]

Gunny's right--keep it light-hearted. Be affectionate but not smothering or hovering. Don't come on too strong. Stay away from heavy converstions and if she tries to talk about it, tell her something along the lines of, "let's have fun today and worry about that later. Today I want you to relax."

 

Good luck!!

[Gunny376]

Gunny's right--keep it light-hearted. Be affectionate but not smothering or hovering. Don't come on too strong. Stay away from heavy converstions and if she tries to talk about it, tell her something along the lines of, "let's have fun today and worry about that later. Today I want you to relax."

 

Good luck!!

 

 

HAMMER + NAIL! BAM! BULLS EYE LOR!

[chadnickole]

the weekend was great the only problem was i came down with the flu the day we got to cedar point, we got there at 10:30am and left by 12:30pm on a 4 and a half hour ride home of me puking my guts out but saturday night was great, don't know were we are heading but thje weekend was worth it!!

[Lor]

:lmao: That's great to hear! :lmao:

 

(you poor guy)

[Gunny376]

What now, what's your follow through plan?

[chadnickole]

What now, what's your follow through plan?

 

I just tried to be patiant, and not bother her to much but, she said tonight she likes living alone and that she just doesn't get the happy feeling around me anymore. I just really feel that this isn't going to turn around, But I feel that if I don't at least talk to her about us that she will have a much easier time just giving up! I personally can't just give up! at times i've wanted too, but I can't I care to much about her and I love my son too much, I guess I'm gonna just give it to god and see what happens.

 

I just think this is really selfish on her part, because it is not only hurting out son it is hurting me, Hell maybe I'm being selfish, I don;t even know what to do anymore!! I'm lost and feel like quitting everything, it just feels so hopeless!! My Son, My Strength!

 

I won't give up though, maybe on her, but not on everything!!

[chadnickole]

I really need to back off, Today she said that she knows we both have learned alot about how and were we failed in our marriage. From that I take that if we can see it we can fix it! She feels she still wants to quit because she doesn't want to take the risk of being hurt again! I am willing to have my heart stepped on again, I mean if we both know we're wrong and know what needs to be worked on how could we give up! She is judging on the past and not looking at the possibility of things working. She did say that it probaly would work for a while, but we might end up falling into the same old trap and she is to scared to take that chance! I know I can't changer her mind I don't want to quit, I'm so upset with her for not being stronger for our family!! What do I do Now????

[chadnickole]

Should I do something nice for her?? I was going to send her flowers to her job, but I don't really know what is apropriate anymore!!

[jonesgirly]

Chad.........I've read your entire thread because Gunny abso-freakin-lutely cracks me up!

 

BUT..........you seem like such a nice guy, and very sincere in your attempts to repair your broken marriage.

 

Sorry about your puking on your trip to Cedar Point (do you live in Ohio? I'm in s.e. Michigan).

 

 

DON'T give up on your wife just yet. She gave you another hint when she said that she 'doesn't want to get hurt again' (by you). That is a very good time to say something like, "as long as I live, I will never intentionally hurt you, and I will forever remember how I have done so. I hope that when you look at me, and at our son, that you would be willing to take a chance again at some point."

 

No need for tears or groveling, just a true and sincere statement from your heart.

 

Sometimes women need to hear that their 'hurt' is acknowledged, but that their husband is going to do whatever he can to prevent it. That DOESN'T mean becoming totally p-whipped, but, rather, manning-up as Gunny says.

 

For your anniversary? You damn well better do something special! Good god, can you imagine your wife's thoughts if you didn't? Even if she doesn't react the way you might want, YOU did the right thing! Of course, flowers sent to work is a wonderful idea - it sends the message to the whole world that she is 'special' to you, and all women love that. Make it grand though - a dozen long-stemmed, thorns cut off, gold sparkled red roses. Your message should be............I'm sure you can come up with that!

[chadnickole]

Chad.........I've read your entire thread because Gunny abso-freakin-lutely cracks me up!

 

BUT..........you seem like such a nice guy, and very sincere in your attempts to repair your broken marriage.

 

Sorry about your puking on your trip to Cedar Point (do you live in Ohio? I'm in s.e. Michigan).

 

 

DON'T give up on your wife just yet. She gave you another hint when she said that she 'doesn't want to get hurt again' (by you). That is a very good time to say something like, "as long as I live, I will never intentionally hurt you, and I will forever remember how I have done so. I hope that when you look at me, and at our son, that you would be willing to take a chance again at some point."

 

No need for tears or groveling, just a true and sincere statement from your heart.

 

Sometimes women need to hear that their 'hurt' is acknowledged, but that their husband is going to do whatever he can to prevent it. That DOESN'T mean becoming totally p-whipped, but, rather, manning-up as Gunny says.

 

For your anniversary? You damn well better do something special! Good god, can you imagine your wife's thoughts if you didn't? Even if she doesn't react the way you might want, YOU did the right thing! Of course, flowers sent to work is a wonderful idea - it sends the message to the whole world that she is 'special' to you, and all women love that. Make it grand though - a dozen long-stemmed, thorns cut off, gold sparkled red roses. Your message should be............I'm sure you can come up with that!

 

 

I live in Flint, Michigan. Thank you for your advice, I just really feel lost and don't want to give up on my wife. The thing is today after our talk she kept calling me hunny every time she asked me to do something. I am very confused about this. I know we need to be respectful to each other for our son, But the hunny thing just kind of throws me!!

[jonesgirly]

Hey chad - I grew up in Fenton (Hartland High), and live in Northville now!

(small world huh?)

 

The "hunny" thing - that's her way of being kind of 'affectionate' towards you without any risk.

 

BE PATIENT. Please!

 

From all the advice you've received here, its all about PATIENCE. Let her move at her own pace, while you continue your consistent behavior. I know Gunny told you a while ago to be proactive in your responses. Think about that and formulate some of the reactions that might result in a posititve reaction from your wife.

 

You know, I give you a lot of credit for seeking advice here, as well as actually 'listening' to it. You will be fine.

[jonesgirly]

Also, you DO like it when she calls you 'hunny' don't you?

 

An appropriate comment may be something like: "god, how I love to hear you call me that. I've missed that and really need to hear that sometimes."

 

You may not get a "oh my god I love you and am moving back home" from here, but you have given her a bit of confidence in your relationship, and let her know where you 'stand.'