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I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

chadnickole

By chadnickole
in Separation and Divorce

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jmargel Established Member

jmargel

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****.. if i had some magical spell i would have wished away alot of the garbage and drama that I have been put through.

 

We've all been through crap like this. Like I said before, don't play the head games she wants to put you in. When that happens any sort of relationship that is left between you becomes tainted and then it never works out.

 

There are decent women out there that will love & respect you for who you are. And it won't take constant effort on your part to make sure you get it. When you are in a good relationship that happens naturally.

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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Every time We start to make headway, I revert back ti needy insecure Chad!!

 

How the heck can I keep myself from doing this, I argue with myself over it and I keep giving in to the weak side!!

ilmw Established Member

ilmw

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Every time We start to make headway, I revert back ti needy insecure Chad!!

 

How the heck can I keep myself from doing this, I argue with myself over it and I keep giving in to the weak side!!

 

Chad...

 

What did you mean by the above quote... can you give us more details...

 

Have you thought what you could be doing different...

 

How often do you see your W..

 

Have you thought about... holding back... keeping some distance... while you can get yourself together.. to try and change this behaviour...

 

ilmw

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

Posted
Posted
Every time We start to make headway, I revert back ti needy insecure Chad!!

 

How the heck can I keep myself from doing this, I argue with myself over it and I keep giving in to the weak side!!

 

You are only insecure about the situation, overall your not an insecure person. What she has been doing is contributing to this. So, it's like a vicious circle. You are both feeding off of this.

 

In order to get over this you need to find peace within' yourself that no matter what happens you will be happy and content once again. You have to actively seek for the things she does that triggers this and catch it before you react on it.

 

Basically toughen up your heart and stop letting her toy with you. Take control of the situation. A good part of the reason you feel this way is because you are uncertain of the future and afraid of the unknown. If you continue to let her pull the strings you will continue to feel this way. I keep telling you, it's time to step up. STOP playing these head games!

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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Chad...

 

What did you mean by the above quote... can you give us more details...

 

Have you thought what you could be doing different...

 

How often do you see your W..

 

Have you thought about... holding back... keeping some distance... while you can get yourself together.. to try and change this behaviour...

 

ilmw

 

 

I just keepwanting more and more reasurance from her, I'm snooping around trying to catch her in something, I hardly trust a thing that comes out of her mouth!! I find myself grtting more and more jelous..... I was never this jelous in the beginning when we firdt started dating!!

 

I really need to just get a grip, When she said she would commit to working on things My definision had it going much quicker!!!

 

I think I'm almost sabotaghing (sp) this myself in a way!!

 

We got into and little tiff and she said I was acting like a Psycho, Nothing phisical just Being Mr. detective as she puts it!! She told me whatever information she gives me is voluntary and I need to trust her because she has nothing to Hide!! And that when I'm acting that way she deffinatly does not want to even be around me!!!!!!

 

The problem is I know I was over reacting while I was doing it, I was trying to stop myself, but I was too weak!!

 

Then I called her a 3am just to talk, well she listened to me for 30 mins (she was pissed) She didn't hang up and turn the phone off, which is what she has done in the past.........

 

When I dropped my son off this morning, I thanked her for listenning to me and apologized for being a "Pschco"!!! She just smiled........ i left feeling like a jackass!!

 

 

I see her just about every day, mostly concerning our Son!!

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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You are only insecure about the situation, overall your not an insecure person. What she has been doing is contributing to this. So, it's like a vicious circle. You are both feeding off of this.

 

In order to get over this you need to find peace within' yourself that no matter what happens you will be happy and content once again. You have to actively seek for the things she does that triggers this and catch it before you react on it.

 

Basically toughen up your heart and stop letting her toy with you. Take control of the situation. A good part of the reason you feel this way is because you are uncertain of the future and afraid of the unknown. If you continue to let her pull the strings you will continue to feel this way. I keep telling you, it's time to step up. STOP playing these head games!

 

 

I'm workin on it J but I can't get past the idea that I need to hate her in order to let this stop bothering me!! The thing is I know what need to be Done, You have all made it very clear........ i just do not seem to be able ti impliment!!!!!!!!!!

 

I try catching it and I do I even hold it for a minute then I let it go anyway, Your right I need to find some peace inside........ I am working out as soon as I get home that will help a bit!!!!!!!

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

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You're going to have to revert back to some of your martial arts training, mind over matter, if you don't mind it don't matter type thing. And, of course your going to have exercise some self discipline and self control over your thought, and your "mind script" and the internal dialog that you've (we've) constantly got going on our heads 24/7.

 

Part of the problem is that you're so emotionally invested in this one woman you got yourself convinced that this is a once in a lifetime deal.

 

I know, I know. I know that you understand that consciously this isn't ture, and that there are plenty of fish in the sea. But emotionally, you're not connecting with that realization. This drives your neediness, clingliness etc.

 

The solution is to not allow yourself to become emotionally (nor intimately) dependent upon any one woman ~ but to date more than one or two. If one balks on you ~ then you've got others to turn to. That's not too hot of a solution in your case and is really only applicable if your in a non-committed relationship. Just something you might want to keep in mind should you find yourself back out in the market again. I would further that by saying, be damn careful about who you allow yourself to become emotionally dependent (IOW ~ "give your heart to") and guard yourself from such.

 

So, the only real solution is that you've got to adjust and fine tune your internal dialogue. In sales, (which can get very emotional) you've got to pysch yourself out, because if you allow yourself to become too emotionnally involved in the end results you can "squirrle the deal" You've got to pay particular attention to each step and to the little as well as the big details. If you just focus on the end result (making the sale) you're going to screw it up.

 

That's another facet of the problem here. You're so focused on the eventual outcome ~ end game results, that you're not turning over every stone on the path to the end zone. This feeds your anxiety, which feeds your neediness, which feeds your desperation, which feeds your fear ~ which makes you come off as trying to hard and then the negative cycle repeats itself, eventuallyl feeding upon itself.

 

Courtship, relationships, marriage with women is like a dance. Women love the "dance" (Ref: The song by Garth Brooks) and they love the process of courtship. They love it when you take your time, make all the right moves, all the right steps. Pull away, come back again ~ pull away come back again. Its the little things, the details.

 

Most guys don't understand this ~ and this is why they screw things up with women. They just charge in like a bull in a china shop. No style, no class, no rhymne nor rythm.

 

Most women, even the not so attractive ones have guys hitting on them all of the time. Most all women have a built in anti-slut defense mechanisim in which they don't want to come off as "easy" and even if they're moving too quick too fast their GF's will call their punk card on it! They don't want a guy who's a "laydown" for them either ~ they can have that all day and twice on Sunday. They want a guy that's going to a challenge for them. But, at the same time they don't want to come off as too easy ~ they in essence want you "work for it!"

 

The problem for women isn't in finding someonef to have sex with, the problem for women is finding someone who's going to put the exclusively upon an emotional pedestial and be devoted heart, mind, body, and soul to them and them alone, without cheating on them, while loving them, caring for them, and supporting them ~ while still remaining a challenge enough to be mentally and emotionally interesting, but who isn't a laydown (noone likes a 'yes man" or kiss ass) and will pull their "bitch" card when their inner child comes out.

 

Finally, you've got to get it into your brain housing group ~ that you can't lose what you've already lost. And, as it stands, she's not going ~ she's gone.

 

At some point in time your going to have to make the decision ~ and pull her punk card ~ and say enough of this. I'm moving on with you or without you.

 

I understand that she has issues and that's she's scared! Hell we all are ~ but if we didn't push it to the side we'd still be living in damned caves, or we wouldn't get out of bed and leave the house each morning! There comes a point where you just got to stand up and "WTF!"

 

This has been going on for months (nine or more if I'm correct). I'm 49, and I'm telling you these (your 20's) are some of the best years of your life! Never again will you look as good, feel as good, be a youthful, be as healthy! The two of you are wasting a Hell of a lot of good time on what amounts to triva pursuit! Your marriage might at present be the equivalent of beat up, rusted out, 69 Pontiac GTO held together with nothing but bailing wire and duck tape ~ but you know what? With a lot of work and TLC you can turn that baby into one Hell of a nice HOT ROD! :D

 

So for now ~ quick worrying about the mechanics of how it runs and how it looks ~ its running! Now get the SOB out of the ditch and back on the road, instead of sitting there playing Triva Pursuit, and "He said ~ She said, He did ~ She did!

ilmw Established Member

ilmw

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I just keepwanting more and more reasurance from her, I'm snooping around trying to catch her in something, I hardly trust a thing that comes out of her mouth!! I find myself grtting more and more jelous..... I was never this jelous in the beginning when we firdt started dating!!

 

I really need to just get a grip, When she said she would commit to working on things My definision had it going much quicker!!!

 

I think I'm almost sabotaghing (sp) this myself in a way!!

 

We got into and little tiff and she said I was acting like a Psycho, Nothing phisical just Being Mr. detective as she puts it!! She told me whatever information she gives me is voluntary and I need to trust her because she has nothing to Hide!! And that when I'm acting that way she deffinatly does not want to even be around me!!!!!!

 

The problem is I know I was over reacting while I was doing it, I was trying to stop myself, but I was too weak!!

 

Then I called her a 3am just to talk, well she listened to me for 30 mins (she was pissed) She didn't hang up and turn the phone off, which is what she has done in the past.........

 

When I dropped my son off this morning, I thanked her for listenning to me and apologized for being a "Pschco"!!! She just smiled........ i left feeling like a jackass!!

 

 

I see her just about every day, mostly concerning our Son!!

 

I can understand the frustration.. the want... the (need)..(bad word..;) )

 

I can understand the wanting this to resolve itself.. NOW.... but my friend... it aint gonna happen like that is it...

 

I know what I would do in your situation... "back the hell off"

 

"when we persist... they will resist..."

 

If you continue to act like this... behave like this... I believe you are going to totally blow what ever chance you have of reconcilation...:(

 

Step back... get some space.... go dim... you can't do NC as you see your W every day.... but stop the relation talk... for awhile atleast... 180'

 

Only talk about the well being of your child...

 

See if that makes a difference....??

 

Get busier... if you dwell on this stuff... you know you will get twisted up inside.. Work out more.. go out with friends... geessh... run it off soldier...;)

 

Stop the snooping.....detective stuff.... it will only piss her off..even more.. Hell you know this stuff... so listen to yourself... get a grip...

 

Don't forget... (I know you won't) this is your life... your relationship... Do this for you... with the hope of recocilation... but not the only goal...

 

If you get a handle of these issues... you will be a better person... feel better about yourself... There is a lot to be said about self control...:)

 

The feeling of pride... you get when you handle a situation.. with grace.. strength.. and honour...(don't forget some humour too..:laugh: )

 

Don't forget... this is just my opinion... and I am definately NO expert on this stuff... but.. it is how I would deal with it...;)

 

K...

 

Take care of you..(I'm starting to sound preachy now...:laugh: )

ilmw

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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For being here when I'm down and out:)

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

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For being here when I'm down and out:)

 

 

Heyyyyyyyyyyy!! (As in the Fonz) Its what we do! :laugh:

Antha Established Member

Antha

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When you feel yourself about to say something 'Psycho'...stop yourself and take a deep breath. Think about everything you say before you say it. I know that's something they told us in elementary school, but it holds true throughout one's life.

 

The "Mr. Detective" stuff--every time you feel like snooping, call a friend or someone you trust instead, someone who can be like an anti-snooping sponser. If you don't feel your willpower is strong enough, find ways to avoid falling into those traps...like ilmw said, run it off...but do something, ANYTHING, other than blowing your chance with her. If you continue to do this, she will most definitely be gone. I'm sure she finds it disrespectful and dishonest, and obviously that you don't trust her.

 

This is your chance, Chad. Be the better man that you know you can be. Go with the flow. Relax. And if you can't relax, then know when not to say something or immediately find something else to do, anything else.

 

Antha

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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She told be yesterday.......... "To stop acting like a damn Girl and quit worring about everything"!! All I did was apologize for something ( I gave her a hug and said "sorry if thats to much right now"

 

I guess that means She feels I'm acting like a bete-male and it turns her off/away from me!!!

 

Fine Alpha-Male to thr rescue!!! LOL

 

 

YOUR OPINIONS PEOPLE!!!

PWSX3 Established Member

PWSX3

Posted
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She told be yesterday.......... "To stop acting like a damn Girl and quit worring about everything"!! All I did was apologize for something ( I gave her a hug and said "sorry if thats to much right now"

 

I guess that means She feels I'm acting like a bete-male and it turns her off/away from me!!!

 

Fine Alpha-Male to thr rescue!!! LOL

YOUR OPINIONS PEOPLE!!!

:DSorry Chad but I had to laugh at this one.:laugh:

 

I had found myself doing the same thing, it seems like you want to be a good person and you start apologizing for every little thing, but it just shows the other person you are needy. I noticed it when I was talking to my W the last time we sat and talked. I won't do that again!!!;)

 

I don't feel like you need to say your sorry for every little thing, some of it is part of learning the new "you" and you aren't going to do the right thing everytime.

Stand up be a strong person, think positive when you are around her or anyone for that matter, you are in charge of who you are, let the other person know by how you act that you are as well.

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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:DSorry Chad but I had to laugh at this one.:laugh:

 

I had found myself doing the same thing, it seems like you want to be a good person and you start apologizing for every little thing, but it just shows the other person you are needy. I noticed it when I was talking to my W the last time we sat and talked. I won't do that again!!!;)

 

I don't feel like you need to say your sorry for every little thing, some of it is part of learning the new "you" and you aren't going to do the right thing everytime.

Stand up be a strong person, think positive when you are around her or anyone for that matter, you are in charge of who you are, let the other person know by how you act that you are as well.

 

Hell, I laughed when she said it, I was like "what a girl" I'm trying to be more understanding of her needs, all the things she wanted And she calling me a girl, thought thats what she wanted!! Guess Not!!!

 

Carzy Ass Woman:D

ilmw Established Member

ilmw

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Hell, I laughed when she said it, I was like "what a girl" I'm trying to be more understanding of her needs, all the things she wanted And she calling me a girl, thought thats what she wanted!! Guess Not!!!

 

Carzy Ass Woman:D

 

:lmao: :lmao: ...

 

I seems to me sometimes.. that the balance we should achieve in relationships... is not like walking along a hiwire... more like an rasors edge:confused: ...

 

On the same note... I don't think most men can read the emotions of their wives.. so are unable to react or respond initially to how there other halves are feeling...

 

Through necessary reading...;) ... you can start to understand the differences between the sexes... and learn the the need to just listen... and try and feel what they are feeling...

 

As for apologising... only when you have done something wrong... realy wrong (being rude....and are remorceful.... not for every little ooops..

 

...and Beta male...bad... Alpha male good... :laugh:

 

Patience... and I'll say it again... and again,,,, patience

 

Chad... vent on here... not to your W... trust me... it does help... and she won't see your need... and frustration as much.... gessh... I do it all the time...:o ..;)

 

Your not a robot ... so you are allowed to slip up once and awhile... but if you keep doing it... you have not changed and will not change... (do you think your W will see it this way??)... Something to think about my friend...

 

Be strong... model your self after someone who you think is strong... (heard this on a tape)... and become that person when you need strength... or need to project strength... (might work for you) has worked for me in the past...;) ... when I could not muster it for myself...

 

The need to do this has lessened....but the resource is still there...:)

 

Take care Chad.. and be strong... and relax..(be patient)

ilmw

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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I was thinking the reason she made it a point to tell me that yesterday was because she really does want Us to last, But me acting like beta male is really making her unatracted to me!!! So she is upset with me for acting that way because it making it harder for her to want Us to work!!

 

What do you guys Thing?

 

Am I reading to much into this?

 

Oh FYI I am in a very good mood today despite everything:D

ilmw Established Member

ilmw

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I was thinking the reason she made it a point to tell me that yesterday was because she really does want Us to last, But me acting like beta male is really making her unatracted to me!!! So she is upset with me for acting that way because it making it harder for her to want Us to work!!

 

What do you guys Thing?

 

Am I reading to much into this?

 

Oh FYI I am in a very good mood today despite everything:D

 

Act like it does not matter.. Be the Alpha male... be strong around her.... no wuss behaviour... be firm fair and funny....

 

No serious talk unless she brings it up.. then listen and listen and listen... show you care by shutting up..:p

 

And... once again... be patient... I'm reading this book ... and it said... It took this long to get into this situation... and her to feel the way she does... how can you expect it to sort itself out... overnight... it can take as long if not longer.. for her to build the trust in you.. to allow herself to trust you again with all her heart.... afraid of letting you back in... to have you do what ever she thinks you did to get you two in the present situation... (PAtience).. is what you will need... she may still need lots of time... and this is the time... for you to prove to her...you will not revert back to the guy she left...(got it?...:) )

 

Good to hear you are.. in a good mood... awsome..;)

ilmw

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

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ugh.. man.. get a grip.. lol .. honestly though she is driving you nuts.

 

This is what head games are doing. You are unsure of the unknown and you want her here, right now.

 

In a way just act like you don't give a damn anymore. You are not letting her come to you, and if in fact she is not talking to her ex or another man, by doing this she will come.

 

Think of it as a gift you are giving her. If you smother her so much she'll never get the chance to come to you. She fell for you, because of your confidence. Now that, has eroded she sees this as a weakness. However it is what she's done to have caused this to happen, yet she doesnt know it yet. Only counseling will point this out.

 

Honestly what are you getting out of all of this? She's still be wishy-washy and you are still hanging onto her ankles. You have done everything you can, the ball is in her court. If she wants to end the marriage let her have it on her own conscious. However there comes a point where if she wants to work on it, THEN work on it. Quit talking about it and actually do something about it.

 

My only advice to you at this point is to goto counseling, tell her you are going and invite her. You will then get to the point where either she comes with you or move onto something else. You are stuck playing HER head games.

 

I keep telling you the only way to win this game is to not play it.

 

It's like I keep kicking this dead horse, hoping it would wake up. In the mean time I've kicked so many times in the head it's eyes are popping out.

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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ugh.. man.. get a grip.. lol .. honestly though she is driving you nuts.

 

This is what head games are doing. You are unsure of the unknown and you want her here, right now.

 

In a way just act like you don't give a damn anymore. You are not letting her come to you, and if in fact she is not talking to her ex or another man, by doing this she will come.

 

Think of it as a gift you are giving her. If you smother her so much she'll never get the chance to come to you. She fell for you, because of your confidence. Now that, has eroded she sees this as a weakness. However it is what she's done to have caused this to happen, yet she doesnt know it yet. Only counseling will point this out.

 

Honestly what are you getting out of all of this? She's still be wishy-washy and you are still hanging onto her ankles. You have done everything you can, the ball is in her court. If she wants to end the marriage let her have it on her own conscious. However there comes a point where if she wants to work on it, THEN work on it. Quit talking about it and actually do something about it.

 

My only advice to you at this point is to goto counseling, tell her you are going and invite her. You will then get to the point where either she comes with you or move onto something else. You are stuck playing HER head games.

 

I keep telling you the only way to win this game is to not play it.

 

It's like I keep kicking this dead horse, hoping it would wake up. In the mean time I've kicked so many times in the head it's eyes are popping out.

 

I'll stop kicking her!!!! LOL:D

 

Thanks guys

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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She just emailed me, I guess she is coming up to Work today at lunch to see me!! In just a few minutes!! EEK.........:p

 

:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny::cool:

ilmw Established Member

ilmw

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She just emailed me, I guess she is coming up to Work today at lunch to see me!! In just a few minutes!! EEK.........:p

 

:bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny::cool:

 

Cool...but be cool..:cool:

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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Cool...but be cool..:cool:

 

 

She Cancelled, no one to cover for her!!

 

Owell no problem:cool:

ilmw Established Member

ilmw

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She Cancelled, no one to cover for her!!

 

Owell no problem:cool:

 

:laugh: ...could be a blessing in discuise..??

 

No chance to goof up..;) ... plus if she initiated it... she had the desire... now she can't come.. could cause some positive stress... inside of her.. (want.. desire)... but what do I know...:laugh:

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chadnickole Established Member

chadnickole

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Copy and paste from a bodybuilding forum I frequent!! Goooshhh it is kinda valgar:eek:

 

"When did men become such pussies? All I ever read here is ‘men’ whining about how women are such bitches and how horrible they are to us men. Have you all forgotten WE ARE MEN! Would Captain Kirk and Magnum PI endlessly piss and moan about women? No! They were real men.

I recommend that when you get up in the morning you stand in front of the mirror and say in a deep loud voice several times, ‘I’M A MAN, A REAL MAN’.

While you’re in the bathroom take the opportunity to dump all those metrosexual beauty products in the trash.

Real men don't get their hair ‘styled’ they get it cut, they don’t shave their body hair or have more hair and skin products than women. Real men burp, fart (loudly) do hard work and generally don't act like pussies.

Real men are sexual predators. Our job is to hunt down the pussy and subdue it. If some pussy escapes you’re supposed to chase more pussy(think lion or tiger Grrrrrrhh!), not take antidepressants or seek comfort from your friends. We’ve always been hunters. The metrosexual, ‘I’m in touch with my feeling’ new-man bull**** was just another tactic to get more pussy; you weren’t supposed to take it seriously."

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

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Have you all forgotten WE ARE MEN! Would Captain Kirk and Magnum PI endlessly piss and moan about women? No! They were real men.

 

Wrong, they were actors. Not men.

 

And you might as well carry a club and find the woman of your choice, knock her over the head and drag her back to your cave.

 

Being a man is showing confidence and making yourself heard without using fear.

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