I messed up bigtime, I love my wife!!

November 13, 2006

Chad, have xmas dinner with her. Sounds like her heart isn't into the divorce route. Remember to be there when she needs you, but dont become the doormat. I think maybe you should ask her out for tomorrow night.

This is a slow process but it works. I think she's starting to see the guy that she once knew.

I will ask her out for dinner, but probaly near the end of the week I'm pretty tied up with school and stuff right now!!

November 13, 2006

Does the song, "I'm working my way back to you Babe!" hold any significance to you.

Slow and steady. This woman doesn't want a divorce ~ she wants you to change back to the guy she feel in love with.

November 13, 2006

Also look at it this way.. Though I have gotten some comments from my point of view.

I work with German Shepherds, and when mine were pups the first thing I wanted to instill into them was that bond. I wanted that bond so tight that I knew they would die for me if they had to. So often when a person's dog runs off, the first thing they do is usually yell and run after. Well, that dog is pretty darn fast so it just becomes a frugile attempt to get the dog back.

Kinda like in a relationship where if you chase her too hard she'll just run away. You need her to *come* to you.

So with my dogs, I have someone hold them back while I run out a few hundred feet, yelling their name. These dogs just can't wait to bolt out from the holder's arms. When they are released I just keep running away, yelling their names. Now, I have these dogs chasing me, totally not caring about their environment (whether it be other dogs, squirrels, etc..). Their focus is on *me*.

So it's kinda the same with relationships that are in trouble. If you chase her she'll just run. However if you keep letting her know you are there, allowing her to come to you, you have a much better chance of things working out. However you can't avoid her or put her off, especially in this scenario. If it were me, I would put aside what you have going on (isn't she suppose to be the most important thing in your life?) and ask her out for Tues. or Wed.

Remember she is your top #1 priority above everything else. Family, friends, work, recreation. If you don't give her that she'll find someone who will. Don't be pushy but make an attempt to back up the words you gave her in that letter a few days ago.

November 13, 2006

Does the song, "I'm working my way back to you Babe!" hold any significance to you.

Slow and steady. This woman doesn't want a divorce ~ she wants you to change back to the guy she feel in love with.

Welllll I'llll be workin my way back too you babe , la la llaaallaa la la laaaaa

ha ha yaeh, thanks GUN

November 13, 2006

Also look at it this way.. Though I have gotten some comments from my point of view.

I work with German Shepherds, and when mine were pups the first thing I wanted to instill into them was that bond. I wanted that bond so tight that I knew they would die for me if they had to. So often when a person's dog runs off, the first thing they do is usually yell and run after. Well, that dog is pretty darn fast so it just becomes a frugile attempt to get the dog back.

Kinda like in a relationship where if you chase her too hard she'll just run away. You need her to *come* to you.

So with my dogs, I have someone hold them back while I run out a few hundred feet, yelling their name. These dogs just can't wait to bolt out from the holder's arms. When they are released I just keep running away, yelling their names. Now, I have these dogs chasing me, totally not caring about their environment (whether it be other dogs, squirrels, etc..). Their focus is on *me*.

So it's kinda the same with relationships that are in trouble. If you chase her she'll just run. However if you keep letting her know you are there, allowing her to come to you, you have a much better chance of things working out. However you can't avoid her or put her off, especially in this scenario. If it were me, I would put aside what you have going on (isn't she suppose to be the most important thing in your life?) and ask her out for Tues. or Wed.

Remember she is your top #1 priority above everything else. Family, friends, work, recreation. If you don't give her that she'll find someone who will. Don't be pushy but make an attempt to back up the words you gave her in that letter a few days ago.

I know what your saying about chasing dogs, When mine would get out, I would chase him untill I couldn't run anymore. Then when I stopped He would turn and look at me as if laughing at me. So finaly I said screw it when he comes home he'll come home!! And he always did, but and this is the important part, I still loved him when he came home!!

I see what your saying very clearly, good analogy!! Damn Dogs LOL

November 13, 2006

I know what your saying about chasing dogs, When mine would get out, I would chase him untill I couldn't run anymore. Then when I stopped He would turn and look at me as if laughing at me. So finaly I said screw it when he comes home he'll come home!! And he always did, but and this is the important part, I still loved him when he came home!!

I see what your saying very clearly, good analogy!! Damn Dogs LOL

Thats a great analogy... but don't let your DW know about the comparrison... she might not appreciate it... :lmao: ..

November 14, 2006

She told me that being in the court house really scared her, and she came up with a list of things that we need to do together if we decide to work on our marriage. we are going out to dinner Toninght so we shall see how things go!!

But I'm not gonna get all pumped up because she has flipped back in forth quite alot since she moved out back in June....

We see guys/gals wish us luck

Thank you:)

November 14, 2006

GL chad.. hope it works out for you two. Just remember the things we've brought to your attention. With these kinda situations there is alot of confusion, but 5 months have passed since June, and I think the fog is lifting from her head.

Go over the list with her and make her ideas feel validated and do work on them. Also MC would also be a must here, in my opinion.

November 14, 2006

GL chad.. hope it works out for you two. Just remember the things we've brought to your attention. With these kinda situations there is alot of confusion, but 5 months have passed since June, and I think the fog is lifting from her head.

Go over the list with her and make her ideas feel validated and do work on them. Also MC would also be a must here, in my opinion.

Thanks I will actually bring the list out to dinner and it will be something to discuss while waiting for Food

November 15, 2006

But she told me she feels like were good buddys, and is afraid she can't/won't get the love back for me...... I didn't know what to say so I said I understand and that sometimes you gotta fake it untill you make it!! I don't know!!

November 15, 2006

Nope.. don't fake it then. This is the time that you just simply walk away. Unless of course you just 'want to be friends'. There is a difference between trying to get this to work and being a doormat.

Sounds like she is trying to do this for her own selfish reasons, probably not even aware of it. If she can come out of this 'as friends', it helps her guilty conscious. You want her to face the consequences, so this is where tough love comes into play.

IMO I would tell her 'I love you to death but I can't just be 'buddies' with you. It would feel too awkward. I have to move on, and if you look deep enough into your heart and you still have that love for me then let me know before it's too late.' Then.. just walk away.

Don't get into the head-games, and don't get into the scenario of hanging onto every word she says hoping that she will 'snap out of it' and start loving you again.

Honestly you have done everything you can, not much else you can do. The ball is in her court and if she decides to walk away then let her carry that burden.

November 15, 2006

But she told me she feels like were good buddys, and is afraid she can't/won't get the love back for me...... I didn't know what to say so I said I understand and that sometimes you gotta fake it untill you make it!! I don't know!!

This question is for both Chad and Jmargel, aren't you suppose to be friends first with your spouse and then you fall in love????

I would think just being friends is a good start and then grow from that?

Just wondering......

November 15, 2006

If he's willing to take that risk and invest that time where it may never leave from friendship. Personally my ex-fiancee wanted the same thing, and I told her I couldn't. I couldn't take a step back from once being just everything in my life to 'just a friend'.

and is afraid she can't/won't get the love back for me

Would be the clincher for me. By doing what I suggested she will then be forced to think again with the possibility of losing him forever. Otherwise this could turn into a situation where he is being strung along with tidbits of hope now & then by the things she says or does. I've seen that happen on here way too many times and often it gets strung out for months if not at least a year before the one being strung along finally wakes up. By then their loved one has moved on.

November 15, 2006

I'm thinking that maybe she has set herself up into this friendship mode for protection, She has told me before that she would love to come running back into my arms but is afraid of being hurt again.

Plus when we went to Cedar Point a couple months ago, there was alot more than just a buddie feeling going on!!!

maybe because of the time we have spent apart it is just strange for her, right now. I don't want to give up on her, because I really feel she is just protecting herself against being hurt and has set herself up to feel this way towards me. like she has put up a big fort aroung her feelings and is scared to open it up to me!!

She also talks as if she wants the marriage to work, but is afraid the love won't come back. i can understand that, because if it doesn't well that is not a good marriage. But if a couple can be friends and lovers that is a good thing.

She is obviously still really confused, but once your in love with somebody it will always be there to some exstent, Right!! She also said that she emotionally detached herself from me, when I started talking to that other Woman (self preservation)

November 15, 2006

Quite frankly...she does not trust you,

She does not know if she could ever trust you, ...that's the problem. She knows if she lets you back into her heart chances are, she will eventually have to go through all this crap all over again someday, and she does not know if she can handle it.

Frankly I don't blame he. What you two need is counseling, and alot of it.

You need to find out what YOU are all about... I know you feel terrible about the child going thru this but better once, then over & over again....just a thought.

November 15, 2006

Quite frankly...she does not trust you,

She does not know if she could ever trust you, ...that's the problem. She knows if she lets you back into her heart chances are, she will eventually have to go through all this crap all over again someday, and she does not know if she can handle it.
Frankly I don't blame he. What you two need is counseling, and alot of it.

You need to find out what YOU are all about... I know you feel terrible about the child going thru this but better once, then over & over again....just a thought.

Well I do know that I Love my wife, and I love my Son and that I want my marriage to work, no matter what!!

I know what I want, and your right about our son having to go threw this over and over:(

November 15, 2006

Understandable that you want that, but you can't make someone love you. I don't know if she does nor does anyone else. I'm not even sure if she does. You also can't manupliate her into wanting to be with you, because that won't last.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, since it is your life. Just that even though it would be hard, I would let her know that it would be too hard for you to 'just be friends'. You have too much invested into her to take that step back, if her true intentions are not to go any further than this.

Nothing wrong with playing the waiting game, though I honestly don't know if that'll work. I also doubt the reasons she's said that was because of you talking to that other girl. That just seems to be too trival for such a response of hers.

November 16, 2006

jmargelNope.. don't fake it then. This is the time that you just simply walk away. Unless of course you just 'want to be friends'. There is a difference between trying to get this to work and being a doormat.

Sounds like she is trying to do this for her own selfish reasons, probably not even aware of it. If she can come out of this 'as friends', it helps her guilty conscious. You want her to face the consequences, so this is where tough love comes into play.

IMO I would tell her 'I love you to death but I can't just be 'buddies' with you. It would feel too awkward. I have to move on, and if you look deep enough into your heart and you still have that love for me then let me know before it's too late.' Then.. just walk away.

Don't get into the head-games, and don't get into the scenario of hanging onto every word she says hoping that she will 'snap out of it' and start loving you again.

Honestly you have done everything you can, not much else you can do. The ball is in her court and if she decides to walk away then let her carry that burden.

and

lisapizzaQuite frankly...she does not trust you,

She does not know if she could ever trust you, ...that's the problem. She knows if she lets you back into her heart chances are, she will eventually have to go through all this crap all over again someday, and she does not know if she can handle it.
Frankly I don't blame he. What you two need is counseling, and alot of it.

You need to find out what YOU are all about... I know you feel terrible about the child going thru this but better once, then over & over again....just a thought.

Somewhere between the two lies the truth. The bottom line is you love each other too much to go back to just being friends. The two of you need to back up and slow down. Neither of you are ready to get back together nor divorce ~ too many un-resolved issues. The time to get back together or divorced is when you've gotten all of the issues re-solved and worked out one way or the other.

Personally its my belief that she really doesn't want to lose you ~ but as you've orginally stated you've screwed up and she doesn't trust you, and is afraid of getting and being hurt again. Can't blame her. I'd tell her that you understand that, and that you understand there's a straight, narrow, and hard road back, with conditions and that you're willing to work do that which is necessary to work you way back. That's proabally going to mean your eating some "crow" on your part. That's going to be hard to do with the OM in the picture. Its also gong to require maintaining your self respect, confidence, dignity while being humble ~ even I can't tell you how to do that? In short its going to require your being her Knight in shinning armour.

It would be damn near impossinle to do in so long as the OM is in the picture. I'd tell her I would be willing to do whatever it takes to "fix" (for lack of a better word) but that its going to be all for naught until she takes a leap of faith and breaks her emotional connection (I beginning to believe that's all it is) with the OM. In short she needs to take a leap of faith ~ and break contact with her emotional safety line.

November 16, 2006

The best chance the two of your have of finding martial bliss and happiness with each other or someone else is to get yourself into IC and MC and work through the issues ~ least the two of your learn from what has taken place here, you're only desitned to repeat it over and over with each other or someone else. That may be hard, painful even ~ but necessary.

The two biggest issues I see here is maturity (on bothsides, sometimes more so on one side than other ~ but both sides ~ depending upon the given day and time) and simply a lack of the necessary interpersonal skill set necessary to be married. That is to say that both of your lacked the maturity and the skill set to even be in a marriage. Without self examination and discovery, you're only going to split up and re-peat the process with someone else. The thing is? Now you've at least have a clue ~ but the person that you get with outside of this marriage may not?

BAM! You're back to square one ~ deju vu all over again. Both of you have invested too much time, effort, energy to "go there".

With each other your already at least half way there, splitting up and starting over again with someone new ~ you're back at the starting block. There's more worth saving here than there is worth throwing away.

I'm not attacking either of you ~ I was in the same situation. To some degree still am. Getting and being married is a lifelong learning process, and the first time you've think you've got it all figured out ~ you're lying to yourself. Its constant and prepetual "adpating and over-coming" Yesterdays's answers and solutions are today's problems.

November 16, 2006

That list is completely disgusting.

Its sick that some of you think its ok to lie to your partner like that, because that is what that list is, lies. How can you build a foundation of trust if your lying to each other?

Mindgames are never the solution as far as I'm concerned.

November 16, 2006

That list is completely disgusting.

Its sick that some of you think its ok to lie to your partner like that, because that is what that list is, lies. How can you build a foundation of trust if your lying to each other?

Mindgames are never the solution as far as I'm concerned.

Are you refering to the 32 list?

November 17, 2006

Are you refering to the 32 list?

Yes I am.

Explain to me how ignoring your partner is going to help you save your marriage? Ignoring each other is probably what got most people into there mess they are in anyway.

I just think that no matter what people need to tell each other the truth. The most insulting thing someone can do is lie to you if they claim to care about you.

November 17, 2006

Yes I am.

Explain to me how ignoring your partner is going to help you save your marriage? Ignoring each other is probably what got most people into there mess they are in anyway.

I just think that no matter what people need to tell each other the truth. The most insulting thing someone can do is lie to you if they claim to care about you.

Hi...

It is not about ignoring..or lying... Its about "NOT PRESSURING" If someone is thinking of leaving or has left... that the last thing hey want to hear is... i'll change.. i love you... i love you....etc.

There is a saying... when we persist... they resist..

November 17, 2006

Yes I am.

Explain to me how ignoring your partner is going to help you save your marriage? Ignoring each other is probably what got most people into there mess they are in anyway.

I just think that no matter what people need to tell each other the truth. The most insulting thing someone can do is lie to you if they claim to care about you.

You've got a lot to learn about what works and what doesn't. Its human pyschology 101. People want what others want, people desire what other people desire. People want what they can't have ~ but others desire and find desireable. Its about making yourself desirable. Its about your having the supply and their having the demand ~ the others not having the supply that you've got and have to offer. Basically it all sales. It why you want a Benz over a Nissan. Its why a damn good car salesman get laid!

November 17, 2006

Yes I am.

Explain to me how ignoring your partner is going to help you save your marriage? Ignoring each other is probably what got most people into there mess they are in anyway.

I just think that no matter what people need to tell each other the truth. The most insulting thing someone can do is lie to you if they claim to care about you.

I cannot explain why, but I can say aspects of it do work!! When I was pressuring I was grtting nowhere fast when I backed off things started looking forward

If I grab your arm and start yanking you across a bridge, you are going to resist me. you wonder "what is this guys deal, whats his plan"

If I walk across this bridge buy myself and you see its fun and good, then you will probaly just come across yourself!

You cannot force a person into something they don't want to do let alone something they want to do (at they're own pace)

I'm sorry the list offended you, simplely do not put it to use if you find your self in a situation that might require it!!

Oh and thanks for Hi-jacking my tread:laugh:

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