summerking Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I've found myself in a similiar situation. It has left me questioning a lot about fidelity, marriage, myself. People joke about sexual addiction, but I wonder if these kinds of things don't point to something in that vein.
newbby Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 thanks Newby, you get me. it is a personal thing for me, and it is something I need to sort out for myself. I do love my husband. and by the way, record producer, I am the "provider" in the relationship...that has zero to do with it. I'm sure many will not understand it, but as you said, it is a separate issue from him. It's something I need to work out for myself. I can't believe how much this forum, and just being able to talk about this, has helped. hey no worries, sometimes people are misunderstood and it annoys me. i wish you good luck.
RecordProducer Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I do love my husband. and by the way, record producer, I am the "provider" in the relationship...Oh, ok, sorry. Well you still didn't answer whether you feel bad about cheating on him. The next step, then, is 2 tell your H about your A.Yeah, right! :lmao:
JamesM Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Finally, someone said it. Are you going to tell your husband? Having been in an addictive relationship...pre-marriage, I can see the scenario. You will see him again. You will feel guilty. You will then see him again to end it, but won't. Ad nauseum. The end will come when his wife or your husband will discover the affair. Then your world will fall apart. You knew the answer when you posted this thread. You know what to do. But, you needed the kick. I can relate. End it now before the scenario turns addictive. The next issue is should you tell your husband?
RecordProducer Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 You will see him again. He refused to see her after she called him. He is trying to concentrate on his wife, not her. If he wanted her, he would have been in a relationship with her, but he never was. He just wanted sex and friendship. She is in love with him, but he is not in love with her. He had sex in the bathroom, because he is sexually attracted to her and isn't faithful enough to say "no." But obviously he regretted it and is trying to avoid her now. You will feel guilty. She only feels bad cuz he doesn't want her. And in my opinion, she should use it as a light at the end of the tunnel - to forget him. You will then see him again to end it, but won't. The end will come when his wife or your husband will discover the affair. Then your world will fall apart. Only because she believes that they have grounds for a good relationship. Do you think it's sex she wants from him? No way! She is in love with this guy and hopes that he would leave his wife for her. He didn't leave his single life for her, why would he leave his wife? She, on the other hand, would ditch her husband in a blink of an eye if Ed just winked her. I can relate. Is there something you're not telling us, James? End it now before the scenario turns addictive.Good advice! The next issue is should you tell your husband?Should she? (Not saying she shouldn't, but I think if we suggest something to a poster, we should explain why it's beneficial or moral to do so). Please give me the good and bad sides of telling her husband that she screwed her ex-FWB in a restaurant bathroom. If your wife did this to you, what would you do and why would you want to know? Frankly, I should be on the husband's side since he is the "good guy" here and he should know the truth about his own marriage and should be able to choose whether to stay in this marriage or not. But since my personal rule when advising someone is to treat them as if I am on THEIR side (the poster's side) and as if she were my sister, I give advice that SHE will benefit from, according to my perceptions of what would be good for her.
newbby Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 i dont know if it is neccessary to tell the h in this case. for one thing the a is not going to continue, and for another it was very brief, and most importantly she has no problems with her marriage. i think it is good she works on herself definetly, but telling the h i am not so sure about. it doesnt seem as though it is anything that will likely resurface later either. one thing moo, did you use protection?
Author moomoo Posted August 19, 2006 Author Posted August 19, 2006 hi everyone: First of all, there is no way in hell I am telling my husband this. I just don't see what good will come of it. It is not going any further, so I am leaving it at that. Record producer: I am a little messed up over this guy, obviously. But, I am not so dilusional to call this thing "love". I can give you a list of 100 reasons why this guy is not, for me, relationship material. I would not leave my husband for him. I do realize all of the good things I have with my husband. Newby: Again, I'm a little messed up in the head over this guy, but I assure you I am not stupid. We used protection.
Bryanp Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 I am just a bit curious. If the roles were reversed, would you want your husband to be honest with you or keep it a secret from you like you are doing?
JamesM Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 RP, my scenario was just that. If she doesn't nip it in the bud now, she may fall into this circular situation. First, she wants out, then she doesn't. She has posted now, and I hope she will quit. This guy says he is done, but if he has some rough times, he may call her again. She will need to be strong or over him. Can I relate? Yes, in the year prior to meeting my wife, I had a relationship with a girl. She had a boyfriend, but she "didn't love him and was going to leave him." She never did. Anyhow, I knew it wasn't good, but I kept going back..three times. This relationship lasted six months. I finally had the guts to make it final. Then I met my wife. I am very happy that this girl was out of my life by then. To this day I wonder what happened to her, but I learned sonething about addictive relationships from her. And that is why I say, end it now before it becomes addictive. Would I want to know if my wife cheated? I don't know. I have gone back and forth on this one. Yes, then I would be angry, and we would hopefully get over it. No, if it never happened again, then without this knowledge I could live in bliss...but could she? I think if my wife kept it a secret, the guilt would eat awy at her eventually. It may take years, but our relationship would be affected. And I would not know why. If there are no children, then tell him. If there are, then don't. (Oh, that will get quoted! )
newbby Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 Newby: Again, I'm a little messed up in the head over this guy, but I assure you I am not stupid. We used protection. then i think you have made the right decision in not telling him, i know many would disagree...
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 Would I want to know if my wife cheated? I don't know. I have gone back and forth on this one. Yes, then I would be angry, and we would hopefully get over it. No, if it never happened again, then without this knowledge I could live in bliss...but could she? I think if my wife kept it a secret, the guilt would eat awy at her eventually. It may take years, but our relationship would be affected. And I would not know why. You are right. It's unthinkable to not know such an important thing about your own life. On the other hand, do you need to know about some intercourse that happened once, does that deserve to ruin your life? Why do we want to know the truth in the first place? So that we don't waste time, energy,and emotions on the wrong person, so that we don't live in illusions that he or she is the best when they actually suck, because we have a right to know something that is about us. If my husband had something I would probably rather not know because he is dedicated to me and it would obviously be a mistake he made so I better not find out. But on the other hand, if he did something and might even do it again, why should I live with him thinking that he is faithful and investing in our marriage? I don't know, we can go on and on, but she won't tell him anyway...
JamesM Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 RP, off topic...can you change your avatar? Man, that sure gives me the wrong image of you...or does it?
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 RP, off topic...can you change your avatar? Man, that sure gives me the wrong image of you...or does it?Hey, your avatar gives me a wrong image of you too... or does it? OK, I'll change it. I thought it was funny, but then people relate my personality with that face!
Guest Posted August 20, 2006 Posted August 20, 2006 moomoo: The next step, then, is 2 tell your H about your A. I know you don't want 2 do that for whatever reason. Probably you think it will hurt him. What will hurt him is the fact that you're lying 2 him (by not telling him), and that you cheated on him. The truth will liberate you and him 2 be able 2 have a truly fulfilling committed relationship from now on. Consider going to marriage councelling and telling him there, if you are worried how he might react alone. Tell, you must. Think of what will happen if he finds out years down the line. That's when I found out about my W's affair. It's far worse and far harder to rebuild a marriage if the WS isn't forthcoming on their own. -ol' 2long Bad idea! Don't do it, I think this is something that is fixable and your husband does not need to know, he does not deserve to be hurt, because of your bad judgment. telling him the truth might liberate you but not him. I believe it would cause him deep deep pain. Why would you want to put him through this. Now, on the other hand if this were to continue, which I highly doubt. He certainly made it pretty clear, that he wants no contact with you. I would reconsider working on your marriage by going to marital counseling. If the counselor calls for you to admit to the infidelity, maybe then it would be wise. You made a huge mistake, and you need to be strong and move forward. Best of luck.
JamesM Posted August 21, 2006 Posted August 21, 2006 Off topic...RP, THAT is a great avatar...sweet face! And yes, our avatar does give people an impression of us. As for my image...hmmm, I wonder what it is? Back to topic... MooMoo, if you can live with the guilt and pain as a distant memory without it affecting your marriage, then I say go for it. If this never happens again, then keep it under wraps. However, if you ever find yourself in this position again, then I say you had better confess, because your husband needs to know. Each of us has a different personality. Some of us can live with "mistakes" without it seemingly affecting us. Others of us feel extreme guilt at the thought of sex with another person. You make the call....it is your life and marriage...well, the marriage is your husband's, too.
Sgt. Slaughter3000 Posted August 24, 2006 Posted August 24, 2006 go for it. what ur spouses dont know wont hurt em if u dont tell em. it seems like yall know how to handle business pretty well. dont deny it. let it run its course and THEN cut it off. may the force be with you.
queenbee930 Posted August 25, 2006 Posted August 25, 2006 Sgt. Bilko are u on meds? What type of advise is that? we try to help the situation, not hurt it. If the best you can suggest is to make the situation worse, maybe you need to re-think posting. Some people.......!
Author moomoo Posted August 28, 2006 Author Posted August 28, 2006 I just received an email from him (Ed). I promptly deleted it without replying.
Roo Posted August 28, 2006 Posted August 28, 2006 Honestly it sounds like although yuou enjoy the thrill this relationship since it's conception has been a rather self-destructive one?? can you see that?? if you love your H maybe you should seek some counseling to see why the OM infatuaties you so much it seems as taken as you are that perhaps there is a deeper reason for it.
stillafool Posted August 29, 2006 Posted August 29, 2006 I don't think he has ever been into anything with you except sex. He had plenty of opportunities to have a relationship with you before each of you got married and he isn't into you that way. He enjoyed the sex but probably feels horribly guilty for doing that to his wife and is trying to forget it. I would save myself from looking desperate by not emailing the man ever again if I were you.
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