here's a story...

[moomoo]

here's my story, in a nutshell:

I'm married, for three years. Pretty happily. I get along very well with my husband, we have a decent sex life, we have a lot of fun together and are loving and caring and supportive of one another. I'd be devestated without him. When he is gone for just one day, I miss him terribly. And I know he feels the same about me.

 

Now, there is this person, let's call him Ed, who I dated in college (met him my freshman year, which was about 12 yrs ago). We were never really proper "boyfriend and girlfriend". We are wildly attracted to one another. All through college, we continually had sex, despite each having other boyfriends/girlfriends. I cannot stress enough how sexually attracted I have always been to Ed, and I know he is just as into me as I am into him. I like him as a person, too. I really do. I always had fun when spending time with him, and we do like each other quite a bit, but I think we always both knew that we wouldn't really work out as a "couple", for many reasons, first one being that we couldn't trust each other. ANyway, college is now long over. It turns out that we both are now living in the same city, far away from college. WE've been living in the same city for years. When I got here and saw him, he had just started having a girlfriend, was living with her and everything. I was single. He called me occasionally and we got together to have sex. loved it. and after awhile, it just stopped. It stopped for a long time. I heard, in the meantime, he even got married to this girl. ANd I got married, too. I must admit, I was a little heart-broken when I heard he got married. Why?? I know that we'd never work out, but I have a serious thing for this guy, always have. Literally, if I could have sex with ANYONE in the whole world, I'd pick him. No question. I went on for six years without seeing him or hearing from him, and I was quite happy going about my business. It's a big city we're in, no surprise I wouldn't run into him. I thought about him a lot, but it was "in its place", not something I was obsessed on or anything.

Then one day a few months ago, I did something so dumb. I looked him up on google and emailed him asking if he'd want to meet for lunch or something some time. I wasn't really planning on anything other than lunch, at the time of writing that email. Although I knew it would be a first if we actually got together and didn't end up having sex. Still, I thought, we are both married now, and at least one of us will have the decency not to cheat on our spouse, and we can get lunch and catch up. He emailed back right away--I wasn't even sure he would--and we met for a drink a couple nights later. Conversation quickly turned to our past, and both admitted we are still really into each other and would love to f**k. sorry about that, but that is really the only term for it. Well, we did. I can't say where exactly, but it was at one of our workplaces in the damn bathroom! Very romantic, I know. Didn't matter. I loved it. It was great. So much fun. As it always was, like these six years never passed. We both, at the bar, had discussed that we are happily married and both have had many many opportunities to cheat if we wanted to, but neither of us had before, and both admitted that we knew that if we ever saw each other again, we'd do it.

Ever since this happened, I cannot get this out of my head. this was five months ago. I emailed him about a month after to see if he wanted to meet again. We spoke briefly on the phone and decided that this was all together too maddening and we can't do it again, because there is absolutely no point. Neither one of us wants to leave our spouse and that's it. We both know we would never work out as a couple. Jesus, I think he and his wife are even trying to get pregnant! anyway, because I am such an awful trouble maker, I emailed him a couple days ago to see if he wants to meet again, for a drink. He has not replied. I feel like such a stupid ****. I should, I know. I'm not asking for sympathy. I can completely understand why he's not replying, of course. His wife may be pregnant by now, for all I know, and maybe he just doesn't want to ruin his life. I feel so crushed, though. Heartbroken, even. I think. What did I think would happen? Don't know. What did I expect, to go on like this?? It can't be. I wish I never met him. I wish I could just forget about him, but I never will. sigh.....

[Guest]

Maybe he grew up. You should try it!!

[whichwayisup]

Leave him alone. He is your past, not your present or your future.

 

Focus on your husband. And, what "could" have happened should not matter seeing as you're both married and no good could come of that situation.

[Timberlane]

Good advice, wwiup.

 

It sounds like these two people are just fetishsizing their own sexual relationship, down to the nostalgia and coctail laments. Get over it.

[Brittanyjean06]

Looks like he really loves his wife and feels awful for what he did, and he knows better which he should have known better the first time. Is the attraction not there with you and your husband..don't you love your husband? and don't you think he would be left devestated if he knew about this?? I can't really understand how you feel maybe one day I will..

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? Why don't you show the least bit of respect to your husband and be honest with him. This is the very least you can do.

[theantibarbie23]

Seriously, how would you feel if your husband treated you with the same lack of respect you are now showing him? How about if he goes and bangs some chick on the bathroom floor and says, "I would risk my marriage again in a heartbeat with this person if given the opportunity". That's exactly what you are telling us in essense - your husband is not important enough to you for you to curb behaviors that could cause you to lose him permanantly.

 

You say that you would be devastated without him... Then why the hell would you be dying to play russian roulette with your marriage? Sorry, but it just doesn't add up. You sought this guy out and planned to spend time with him. I think you knew quite well what might happen and (suprise, suprise) showed no resistance when it did. Worst of all, you have not shown even an ounce of remorse or guilt for your actions. You don't seem to care at all about the two innocent people you both victimized.

 

You seem to only be unhappy that you may not be able to selfishly continue on this path to marriage suicide (pregnant wife and husband be dammed, right?). If this is the case, maybe you should just give him a divorce, let him find someone who might actually care for him in the capacity he deserves, and spend the rest of your life being a booty call for your old college f*** buddy since you are so obsessed with him that you can't just leave it alone.

 

Your husband and this man's wife do not deserve this from ethier of you. It's time to show some integrity and start behaving like an adult. Suck it up and utilize self-control or you are going to ruin your life with this childish crap. Get yourself into therepy if you have to in order to move on but do it.

[PinkShorts]

Why are you staying in this marriage? I think he really loves his wife and feels guilty. You, on the other hand, don't love your husband that much to be doing all of this to him with no regrets. I think you need to heave ho.

[sylviaguardian]

Sorry but all these stories start to sound the same after a while. The old 'I love my husband but I really can't get this guy out of my head' routine. It's a bit boring. Sorry I don't mean to be insulting but the whole of human misery is spread out on this site for all to inspect and all the stories start like yours.

 

In six months you might be back on the site saying you got caught, have wrecked your marriage and your husband's mental health and how you wish none of it had ever started.

 

Life seems complicated but really it is very simple - it's about CHOICES. Look at what you've written. You find this Ed person super-attractive. You could have chosen to pursue it but the rational part of your brain told you that he was a BAD CHOICE. If you had married him you would be in the position that his wife is in now. You would be happily trying for a baby while your husband is happily f*cking his ex-college buddy (and maybe anyone else who makes herself available). So you made a choice to marry someone who is faithful, makes you laugh etc. Good choice. His wife made a bad choice ( and lets hope she finds that out before they really do make a baby).

 

When you emailed him, it wasn't to meet him for lunch. You knew very well the likely outcome of that meeting. Again, bad choice. It didn't happen by accident like you are allowing yourself to think. It is this kind of self-denial that gets people in trouble. Ultimately you are letting yourself off the hook and not taking responsibility for your choices.

 

When you get married you make a choice. You chose the trustworthy good guy over someone you knew would make anyone miserable in a permanent relationship. But when you marry you have to accept that you will turn down opportunities, you will sometimes think 'what if?', you will sometimes be bored and restless. Humans were not designed to find one person mega attractive for the rest of their life. So when you marry you make that choice to forego momentary pleasure with the pleasure of building something bigger with someone. You sound like a typical cake-eater. You want all the good things of the marriage and all the good things that go with being a free agent. Again, this is delusional thinking because it some point the little secret world in your head becomes exposed to the light of day and the choices you made will be laid out for all to inspect and pass judgement on - your husband, your family, your friends and ultimately yourself. You will have the rest of your life to mull over the choices you made.

 

And by the way the nostalgia you feel for this man is also a choice. You choose to keep him in this secret part of your brain. Again, when the sh*t hits the fan you might find that your opinion of him changes. You'll forget what you ever saw in him in the first place. Compared to the husband you threw away he will appear just what he is - a self-centred, lying scumbag.

 

Your life - you make the choices.

[sylviaguardian]

Another thing - throughout your post you don't mention your husband's feelings at all. Not guilt feelings at all. Again, a self-delusion tactic. Time to start thinking about how he will feel about finding out that you loved f*cking someone in a toilet. Ask yourself what will be his likely reaction, his feelings towards you, the likely outcome of all of this. Get yourself out of your own head and into the real world.

[InaPanic]

moomoo be glad you didn't get the chance to take it any further. I'm afraid i did have an actual affair. I am crushed now. If you think you are heartbroken just imagine if it had turned sexual because it's a whole lot worse & I wouldn't wish on anyone what I have been going through. It was the worst judegment call of my life trusting this OM & I will regret it for as long as i live. Don't make that mistake if you canhelp it.

[moomoo]

keep it coming, everyone. I know you are all 100% right, I just needed to hear it. I haven't exactly been able to discuss this situation with anyone, it's just been stuck inside of my -you said it- delusional head this whole time.

especially Sylvia, thanks. I need to hear this all.

it's helping.

I actually fam starting feel a lot better about the whole thing and that I will knock it off.

needed some decent perspective.

[PoshPrincess]

keep it coming, everyone. I know you are all 100% right, I just needed to hear it. I haven't exactly been able to discuss this situation with anyone, it's just been stuck inside of my -you said it- delusional head this whole time.

especially Sylvia, thanks. I need to hear this all.

it's helping.

I actually fam starting feel a lot better about the whole thing and that I will knock it off.

needed some decent perspective.

 

Moomoo, it really isn't worth it! You're saying that you still want to be with your husband so just hold that thought and forget about the other guy. He has done the right thing by not contacting you. He obviously feels terribly guilty for what he has done and genuinely loves his wife so therefore doesn't want to risk his marriage by having more EMS.

 

I cheated on my partner of 8 years which is something I would never normally do but was extremely unhappy in my relationship. This isn't an excuse - it was a terrible thing to do and I was very lucky he didn't find out. It made me realise though that my partner wasn't the one I ended my relationship. It could have gone horribly wrong had he known and he would've been even more hurt. Don't risk your relationship for the sake of a quick thrill. Work at what you have with your husband if you really love him. It will be worth it in the long run.

[Timberlane]

You sound like you have a chance at doing the right thing, moomoo. You haven't made a real mess of things yet. Sincerely, good luck with that.

[Bryanp]

I just wonder how you would feel if the roles were reversed and here your husband of only 3 years and who misses you terribly when you are gone; contacts an old girlfriend who is married. He then proceeds (to use your words) **** her in the bathroom and admits it was great fun. How incredibly sad that after only 3 years of marriage you show such total distain and disrespect to your husband. Do you think your husband would ever devalue you the way you have to him? To make things even worse you do not even have the decency and respect toward him to be honest with him. Shouldn't he have the right to determine how he wishes to live his life with you. How very sad for your husband. It sounds like you have a great husband and you humiliate him in such a manner but hey "it was great fun and your really enjoyed it...****ing this other married guy in the bathroom." Unbelievable!

[moomoo]

hi everyone:

thanks timberlane.

I'm so glad I went on this forum to "discuss" this. Like I said, of course I have not been able to talk about this with anyone, because of course I'd be ashamed to admit this to anyone. Therefore, I've been alone with my crazy thoughts on the subject. Someone just needed to talk some sense into me.

I feel so much better now. and by "better", I mean that I don't think this is worth it and am going to try my best to forget it. I do love my husband and need to focus on that (won't be hard) and forget this child-like nonsense. I screwed up. I have to just get past it and not let it happen again.

[Guest]

you know it is people like you that dont deserve to be married or deserve the husband that I bet trys to keep your goofy but happy. if you wanted to sleep around and be hoeish then why marry.? why did you vowel to love your husband and only your husband when you lied. you should have never have contacted him!!!! just think if his wife finds that you did meet and he has this new baby and he truly loves his wife in which is hard to understand cause if he did then he would have never agreed to meet!! but lets just say he does and she finds out then you will be a cause of a divorce and another marriage is broken and a child is lost into the loss of both of the parents and the devestation goes on and on. I was a child of cheating and my mom was the one hurt and the other woman if I may call you a woman in this cause I dont feel you deserve it, child more like it....runs with it scott free. you have no remorse I am sure, cause if you did you would not have emailed him again. to you I hope your husband never finds out cause he will be hurt and humbled that the one he choose to love and cherrish did not do the same for him in turn runions it for the next person he truly could be happy with. someone who does not cheat!! at least he deserves that much. You need to leave this man alone!! he has told you that there will never be a relationship however you would jump at the chance if it were possible you only say that cause he said it but like I said you would jump at the chance if it were possible. you really need to grow up cause you really dont know what it feels like to be broken hearted. when it comes around one day cause it will and will be 10times worse for you then you will relize the devastion you caused. rember, you called him and yes he is guilty but you are way worse cause you are the one to take the time look him up and then sleep with him. I hope it smartens up and dumps you and never steps over the boundries again.

[Guest]

hi there moomoo:

I in no way condone what you did, but I do not think it is helpful to scold you about this too much like some others are doing.You probably did not post your story here so people could scream at you. You were probably looking for advice, otherwise you wouldn't have come here.

you screwed up (as you admit).

 

You are not too far into it, so there is still hope.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over this too much. If you do that, I think there is a tendancy to say "f**k it, I'm a loser and I suck so I may as well do it again". Admit you made a mistake, come to terms with it, and JUST DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

 

You say you and your husband have a good relationship (other than this little transgression, of course). Focus on that. Keep it that way. There is a reason you and this other guy never worked out to be a "couple", and there are, I'm sure, a hundred reasons why you and your husband did work out. Remember that.

 

The quick roll in the hay, although I'm sure very exciting, just isn't worth hurting someone you love, throwing away a decent relationship.

I can very well understand where you are coming from and even why you probably did what you did. It was exciting! It was fun! It was a thrill! Marriage isn't always exciting, thrilling, and fun. But it is a lot of other good things, like supportive, reliable, loving, caring, long-lasting, and real. What you have/had with this other guy is not any of those things. I think you know what you'd rather have.

I'll say it again...you f**ked up. Bad. You don't have to do it again. Good luck.

[jonesgirly]

why did you vowel to love your husband and only your husband

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist.

 

I've never voweled my husband.

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[RecordProducer]

Moomoo, you're obviously madly in love with this guy - sexually. You can't digest the other part, you can't understand why you wouldn't work out when it feels so good. He never wanted to have a relationship with you. He only wanted sex. My husband told me that he has had great sex with women he never loved. When a man loves - you know it, he is all over you, faithful to you, married to you. This guy never loved you as a woman. He only loved your pussy, body, lips, the sexual tension.

 

You never really understood why he didn't want to be with you, did you? You still think he is the one and he wouldn't cheat on you and you could be so great together. You would dump your husband if he only snapped his fingers.

 

And you even invited him again, but he refused to see you, which means he had his closure with you and doesn't want your interference in his life. You're dreaming about a guy who only ever saw you as a good piece of meat, although you're convinced it was more than that. It wasn't love in any case.

 

Forget this guy, you're not an animal blindly following her instinct for reproduction. You have a good husband. Stick to him and get that sexy playboy out of your system!

[whichwayisup]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist.

 

I've never voweled my husband.

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

At 6 am this is even funnier!

 

MooMoo - Glad to hear that you're thinking more clearly now. Remember how much you have to lose! Remember your vow(els) (OK, seriously now), remember what made you fall for your husband in the first place.

Focus all your energy into him - Recapture the love, desire you feel for your husband.

 

As for the other man - DOn't think of him, if you do, push the thoughts out of your head. Less you wonder and think the less you'll feel. Out of sight out of mind.

[RecordProducer]

Moomoo, I was just wondering... don't you feel bad about cheating on your husband? I mean, really, really bad, like wishing to turn back the time and undo it. I would die of guilt and self-accusations if I would cheat on my husband. I couldn't possibly imagine him not knowing how I stabbed a knife in his back.

 

I think this lack of guilt, your thoughts about this guy, and the sex with him speak clearly that you're not in love with your husband. You don't even respect him. Do you have children together? I would reconsider my marriage with a man on whom you cheated so early in the marriage, although you claim that he is a good husband.

 

I even suspect that he might be a good provider, but you wanted your excitement on aside.

[newbby]

i think rp got it right the first time. i think it was the ongoing rejection that kept you hooked with ed. its a well known psycholgical hook, and sends confusing messages to a woman. in so many ways its perfect, but he never really wanted to commit to you, and so he keeps a push, pull thing going on. not intentionally i might add. i think when you go back to a guy like this, it is because you are in self destruct mode, or trying to prove something to yourself, or probably a combination of both. it also creates this sexual chemistry you feel with him, he has this control, and you cant ever have him (control him)....

i think it is important to see yourself as part of a marriage, if you are married, but i think people place far too much emphasis on this. you are also an individual, with the same insecurites etc that you had before you married. people should never stop working on themselves...it seems so many people give up on this once they get married, which i believe is the cause of the downfall of most marriages..

i dont agree that you dont love your husband. although this would affect him if he were to find out, it is a seperate issue entirely. you have already stated that you love your husband, therefore this is something you need to sort out within yourself, IMO

[moomoo]

thanks Newby,

you get me.

it is a personal thing for me, and it is something I need to sort out for myself.

I do love my husband. and by the way, record producer, I am the "provider" in the relationship...that has zero to do with it.

I'm sure many will not understand it, but as you said, it is a separate issue from him. It's something I need to work out for myself. I can't believe how much this forum, and just being able to talk about this, has helped.

[summerking]

I've found myself in a similiar situation. It has left me questioning a lot about fidelity, marriage, myself. People joke about sexual addiction, but I wonder if these kinds of things don't point to something in that vein.