Successful first dates

[PoopsMcgee]

Hi all,

 

I've had quite a few first dates (about a total of 5 blind dates and dates that were 'set up') with women that I thought went really well, but then I find out I either got 'friended' or they simply weren't interested. It baffled me for some time as the girls I was with, we usually had a lot of fun and laughs, and the ones I'd walk away happy, really liking the girl and wanting to go on another date with often crushed those dreams by the dreaded 'friend' label, which is usually a nice way of saying 'I had fun, but sorry, not interested'.

 

I have done a lot of reading about non verbal communication and talked to some women about this and come to the following conclusions:

 

1) First off, I am not a touchy feely guy...for some reason I am so reserved with this until I warm up to someone, and that usually takes at least one date. After that, I am usually very playful with women. I have read and heard so much that women almost NEED that slight physical contact, that it shows you like them and gives them the flutters.

What do you all think about this...how necessary is it to give subtle touches, like on the arm or maybe on the lower back as you hold the door for her?

 

2) I think that is what killed this one date as we progressed from a restaurant to an ice cream parlor (which she was excited to go to) and I know I came off as nervous at that point bc I had my hands in my pocket when I was standing, and when sitting down, I never really touched her even when we were joking around. Before that, I could tell she liked me, and we had a really great time together, especially playing off each other's jokes and stories. Can a woman totally be turned off at the mere sight of nervousness? I mean we all get a little nervous at times, even when we are on our best game.

 

3) I learned the hard way through many encounters not to get too personal about your life, values, etc, even though the girl may have a great conversation with you. If you are a guy, how much do you actually talk about yourself without revealing too much? I remember in an old apt of mine there was this really hot girl in my complex who would always flirt with me all the time when we'd pass each other walking our dogs. One day she full on got my attention as I was carrying groceries and yelled across the street (after she caught me checking her out) "Are you going to make me dinner?" Anyway, I did indeed do that, and she let on telling me how mysterious I was to her, living alone, quiet, but acting confident and independent...however I noticed after about 3 weeks of dating, she kind of disappeared (I'm not kidding here) and I only saw her a few times before she moved a few months later...I think she saw how boring my life really was and I lost the 'mystique' bc suddenly I was familiar and my life was pretty much open, and maybe boring. Anyway, my question is, how much do you reveal to be polite, and how much do you reserve to be mysterious? Especially if a girl is egging you on to talk about yourself.

 

4)Smiling and laughing. I have a big smile and my past girlfriends tell me they love it a lot. However, I also know if you smile too much it can make you come across as desperate or nervous. I also like to laugh and can get pretty wild (without being vulgar) with my joking around, but looking back, I think it made me look possibly insecure instead of confident? How much, and to what extent do you smile and laugh considering how nervous you may be, and if you really like someone, smiling to be polite and to show that you really like them.

Thanks in advance!

[Aloros]

1) I think it is very necessary to give those subtle touches if you don't want to give off the "friend" impression. Like you said, it gives the impression that you like them, and people are predisposed to liking people who like them back. Just a little touch on the arm or back...it can really make the sparks fly if the chemistry is there to begin with.

 

2) A little nervousness is adorable to me. It also helps to decrease my own nervousness. I think an overly nervous demeanor can be a turn-off though. Sweating, stumbling over words, etc. THAT much nervousness. I think a little bit of nervousness is natural.

 

3) This has always felt like a natural progression to me. You start with small talk - things about your job, how many pets you have - and then move into more revealing things - such as the nature of your relationship with family members and how you feel about that. Keep away from topics that are very negative (like how much you hate your boss). Starting off with something too in depth would definitely make me raise my eyebrows. It's like the stranger on the bus who starts telling you how their wife left them on Valentine's day for a 30-year old woman with two kids. It just becomes uncomfortable.

 

4) I've always seen smiling and laughing as a big plus! Especially if you are smiling or laughing in response to something she has said. It shows you're listening, you think she's entertaining, and you're interested. It shows you're having a good time, and that has always struck me as very attractive, especially on a first date. I don't know how this would convey insecurity.

 

Hope this helps!

[PoopsMcgee]

Thanks for your input! I really appreciate it a lot.

 

Let's keep this thread going, what do others think about this?

[Charisma]

1) Signs of affection are vital on a first date, especailly if you hope to move onto a second. Even just the smallest thing, for example, kissing her on the cheek to greet her or holding hands will tell her you're interested. Otherwise, she'll mistake your nervousness as a sign of disinterest.

 

2) Nervousness is not a turn off. Most people are a bit apprehesive on the first date, some hide it better than others or try to play it cool.

 

3) Be careful what kind of topics you bring up on a first date, some things should be left for other times, for instance, discussing marriage too early or ranting about all of your family problems will probably give the wrong impression. It's good to be open and honest, you just don't have to reveal it all at once.

 

4) Smiling is a good thing. If you can laugh and have fun on a first date it'll help you get over your nervousness. It let's the other person know you're having a wonderful time and shows signs of interest.

[nicki]

I agree with Aloros. Good advice there.

 

I'm also not a touchy person the first date. I won't even kiss a guy, no matter how much I want to. I'll wait until the second or third date. First date, no pressure....I always tell a guy this, though, so he knows it's not him.

 

So, I wouldn't mind a guy not touching me the first date. I know he's interested if he asked me out. I'd be more impressed if he asked me questions, shared things about himself....

 

But, as for sharing, nothing too heavy yet, just the broader strokes. Stay positive, although you can be passionate and soulful about things. Look for common ground with her. Relate your story to her. Ask her if she's ever felt that way, dealt with that, etc.

 

Fill more in the next date, go deeper....If a girl is egging you on, she is interested, so I would talk, but save some for later, too..

 

Smiling is good, just keep it natural looking and do it when it feels right.

 

Always smile when you first see a woman, even if it's just when she comes back from the bathroom....and smile when you leave at the end of the date....It conveys confidence.

 

A little nervousness is part of boyish charm. I like it. Just keep it in check. Have fun. Treat her like a lady. Good manners are a must.

[PoopsMcgee]

You guys are awesome, and really sweet to share your input. It really helps a lot to hear the opinions of others. I will take your advice and see where it leads.

 

Does anyone else have input on this? The more the merrier.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Other than have a good time and have no expectations, I don't think there is much you can do to force a good first date.

 

You don't know what the other person reacts to or in what way. So you are kept guessing. If I'm nervous I might tell the guy I'm nervous and hopefully he will do something stupid to make me laugh. I dunno, maybe it will turn him off.

 

Just be yourself, and if she is turned off of that, then she's not the right person for you.

 

On my first date with my bf (met online) we went for a drink on an outdoor patio, talked about ourselves a bit, and afterward said goodbye leaving the intent to call. He then followed me to a gas station and put some air in my tire (he noticed it was low). He checked out my legs as he was down on the ground (I saw him peek) and gave me a hug afterward. But not all women would like that kind of attention.