almostthere Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 My bf and his exwife have been divorced almost two years, i think. we have been together for a year and living together now for about two months. he hates his exwife. he calls her names that are very rude and i barely ever hear him call her by her real name. he dreads calling her because he hates her that much. we had an argument about something else about his kids today. when i asked if he would call her for a school supply list he said i guess. i really hate talking to her. i got mad and said why do you stall when it comes to her? he said would you like to tlak to someone who cheated on you and lied about it? he hasnt been nice to her at all. a counselor told me that anger is still an emotion and if someone feels anger especially resentment or a feeling of hate it is because they still care what had happened. if they didnt still care about this person then they wouldnt feel that way. is this right? how can you tell if the person you love stills cares about his/her ex?
nicki Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Yes, anger is a secondary emotion. That means there is a primary emotion at work underneath it. BUT, that doesn't mean he still has a thing for her. He could be disappointed in himself for putting up with her bullsh*t.....What happened in their marriage? I was pissed at my ex husband until I forgave myself for staying in an abusive marriage for too long. I didn't want him back. I just hadn't fully dealt with the anger I had buried during the time of my marriage. He did a lot of horrible things that pissed me off much, much later. When he was gone, and things were safe, my anger came spilling out. I wouldn't worry too much. Your boyfriend doesn't even want to talk to the ex. That's a good sign he doesn't want her back. If he talked about how wonderful she is, blah blah blah, and cried all time time about what happened, wanted to know what she was doing all the time, then I'd be worried. But it doesn't sound like he is doing any of that. His anger doesn't mean he still wants her. It could mean that he hasn't yet let go of what happened with them. He will care less as he goes through his anger. Help him by stating his feelings when you see them, "Wow, this makes you mad. What upsets you the most about it?" Then just listen. Don't call his wife names. YOU be respectful when you speak of her. Hopefully he will learn not to call her names, but to talk about her (and his)bad behavior and his own feelings about the way things have gone. By the way, communicating by email is a good thing because it is only one way communication. He doesn't have to have a conversation with her.
tikigods Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I agree with Nicki. My husband hates his ex wife, but part of it stems from just how mad he is at himself for putting up with her stuff for so long. It doesn't sound like you have to worry about your guy having any romantic or nice feelings towards his ex, the fact that he won't even call her spaeks volumes
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