almostthere Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 ok...i am posting this here hoping to get some insight from those of you coping with a breakup or divorce that have similiar feelings. my bf and his exwife divorced about two years. she cheated on him and left him for another man. they have 3 children together and the marriage was young. it last about 4 years or so and the kids were little so it seems it wasnt even given a chance. the problem is is that he still cannot speak to her. he is still mad at her for doing what she did to him. he refers to her as the *itch and a slang term for a woman's anatomy. i ask him to call her for some reason (like to make plans to get the kids for the weekend or school supply lists or something) and he dreads it. today we had an arguement unrelated. i made a comment on how i was still waiting for an answer to a question we were supposed to have three weeks ago from his ex and asked if he would follow up with her on it. he said yes ill call the _____. and he said he hates talking to her. i got mad and said that you two need to learn how to speak to each other because you have three kids together. to which he answered...how would you feel if your ex lied and cheated on you? would you want to talk t him? i said that my exh gave me two nervous breakdowns, put me on antidepressants to handle the mental and physical abuse i went through. and i am still capable of calling him and talking nicely to him when i need to. why does he swear i am the best relationship he has ever had, love me so much and be so incredibly happy (his words not mine) and still hate her for what she did to him. to me it makes me fell like he still wishes somewhere inside that she didnt do that to him. that they would still be together today if she didnt sleep with someone else. so i started rambling some things off to that effect. he got mad and told me never to tlak to him like that again. but really how am i supposed to feel when the only reason he hates her is because she cheated on him. at some point he needs to lay these feelings to rest. hes in a better place then hes ever been according to him then why is he still bothered by this? it happened 2 and half years ago. it makes me feel so second at everything. he isnt mad at her for slashing my tires. he isnt mad at her for calling all the time to argue with him while i was there. he isnt mad at her for telling me 2 months ago they had sex while i was not at home (i was living with him at the time) in January. he is not mad at her for all the hurt she has caused me and our relationship. just because she spread for some other guy. can someone please explain this to me? i had a horrible 10 year relationship with a man that did everything except cheat on me and i am not mad at him. i dont hold any feelings towards him negative or positive. my freinds and a counselor said that its because he is still in love with her or loves her. and in some way wants her back and thats why he still is mad at her. that anger in itself is an emotion and emotions can only be shown to this extent to people who still care about something or someone. are they right? please help.....
a4a Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 that anger in itself is an emotion and emotions can only be shown to this extent to people who still care about something or someone. are they right? please help..... I am not a professional therapist...... but I would tend to agree. From personal experience those I don't really care about don't bring feeling of anger, hurt, or any emotion to me. Thus my not giving a rip about any X of mine....
Flutterby74 Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I think you a right on that he needs to learn to communicate with her in a civil manner for the sake of the children.
Touche Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 My question is why do YOU want him? He cheated on you with her while you were living with him? Did I get that right? Doesn't sound like he's over her. This is not normal behavior for someone who has truly moved on.
norajane Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 to which he answered...how would you feel if your ex lied and cheated on you? would you want to talk t him? he isnt mad at her for telling me 2 months ago they had sex while i was not at home (i was living with him at the time) in January. Why didn't you tell him exactly how it felt to you be cheated on and lied to, and how you, somehow are not only able to talk to him, you're able to still be with him!?! What an ass to ask YOU that question! Men feel betrayal pretty hard and have a much harder time getting over it than women...or so I hear. I don't know if that's true, but it could be your bf's problem. He clearly doesn't get it that he betrayed you and you were able to get over it. I think he does still care about the betrayal, but not necessarily in a "he loves and wants to be with her way" but more in a "he can't stand it that he was a sucker" kind of way. He can't forgive her for what she did, and he can't forgive himself for being so stupid as to not know she cheated/marry her/etc.
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Honestly, he needs to get over it and realize his behaviour isn't helping the situation. Those kids are the ones who will suffer. He needs to suck it up! Deal with her ONLY when it has to do with the kids. And seeing as he has anger issues still, he needs some help there - Maybe a therapist or something. The past is in the past, she cheated, hurt him and made of fool of him...I understand that, but those 3 kids are something good that came from their marriage. That is a blessing!
Author almostthere Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 ....he didnt cheat on me. she was making that up. she has tried everything she possibly could to break us up. that was a last ditch effort when she csught wind that we were moving in together for real somewhere else. i was just kinda staying with him. my things were not there yet but we were seeing if we could live together before buying a place of our own. she also heard through a friend of my bf's that he was in love with me and was planning on selling a car he has owned and built himself for my ring.
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