3 is a crowd

[Guest]

I was the OW for 2yrs to a MM I used to work with. I am also married. His wife left him at the beginning of May. He is still separated from her. I thought our relationship was progressing toward us being together. Recently, I found out I was nothing more than a friend with benefits. He has started seeing another woman who is also married and works with him. He got the 2 of us together to meet each other at his house and wanted a threesome with us. He wanted to keep seeing me and see her once in awhile. I said no way.

 

She has since stepped in my shoes and taken my place. He is seeing her now several times a week and he says he doesn't want a relationship with either of us, not in love with either of us. He just wants to get together for the sex. I'm staying away from him, and he is calling me less often. She stuck around for the sex with him and sees him everyday at work, goes to his house for sex before going home to her hubby. She told him she was kicking her hubby out so they could be together even though he is not in love with her. This woman even has threesomes with him and her friends. How messed up is this situation? I will never cheat on my husband again.

[freakygal78]

Wow this guy must have some amazing pull to lure not only yourself from your relationship into his messed up world but someone else as well. Was he/is he playing you against each other to get what he wants? Sounds like it. Maybe he was just being greedy? I know from myself that sometimes when people leave a marriage they don't want anything serious with anyone despite what was going on during it. Perhaps he's acting a little like a dog off a leash now that he 'can'. Anyways, this woman sounds like she is jumping to the beat of his drum by having 3somes with him etc. He sounds like a terribly charming conman who gets women exactly where he wants them. But of course I don't know him so just a guess. How mortifying! Being asked to have a 3some with an OOW is second in the humiliation stakes only to being asked for a 3some with his ex-wife herself. And more fool her for kicking her husband out for someone as manipulative as that! Kudos on exiting the situation with some dignity intact!

[Adunaphel]

I am sorry that you found yourself in such a hurtful situation.

 

I will never cheat on my husband again.

 

...but at least some good came out of it.

 

It is great that you found the strenght not to tolerate the situation and walk away(unlike the other woman).

 

How are you doing right now? I hope you are managing to get over him.

[Guest]

I am sorry that you found yourself in such a hurtful situation.

 

 

 

...but at least some good came out of it.

 

It is great that you found the strenght not to tolerate the situation and walk away(unlike the other woman).

 

How are you doing right now? I hope you are managing to get over him.

I'm getting over him with great ease since finding out about the OOW. I'm walking around with my head up even though it hurts like hell to know he used me for 2 yrs making me think we would be together. The OOW is in for a rude awakening when she gets her senses together. Why would this woman want a relationship with someone she knows is married and has OW in a longterm relationship? She started out knowing the situation. I only thought I knew what the deal was. That's what I get for thinking.

 

At least, I can walk away without being discovered. Everyone they work with knows about them and his W found out and her H is probably next in line for discovery. MM told me he didn't have anything to worry about now. I told him he needed to watch his back since so many people know now, that he might have to worry about getting an ass whooping from her or my H's. He is still trying to get back with me but I'm not asking for the drama that he brought into what we had.

 

My feelings changed as soon as the OOW came into the picture. It never bothered me about the W because we both have bad marriages and have separated from them several times and now he wants his freedom and to see/do whatever he wants. He can just leave me out of it.

[Guest]

Wow this guy must have some amazing pull to lure not only yourself from your relationship into his messed up world but someone else as well. Was he/is he playing you against each other to get what he wants? Sounds like it. Maybe he was just being greedy? I know from myself that sometimes when people leave a marriage they don't want anything serious with anyone despite what was going on during it. Perhaps he's acting a little like a dog off a leash now that he 'can'. Anyways, this woman sounds like she is jumping to the beat of his drum by having 3somes with him etc. He sounds like a terribly charming conman who gets women exactly where he wants them. But of course I don't know him so just a guess. How mortifying! Being asked to have a 3some with an OOW is second in the humiliation stakes only to being asked for a 3some with his ex-wife herself. And more fool her for kicking her husband out for someone as manipulative as that! Kudos on exiting the situation with some dignity intact!

 

He got both of us to come to his home without knowing about the other one coming over. He is a very good looking, smooth, charmer. Difinitely a player. He is 50 yrs old, I'm 46, and the OOW is 36 and stupid in my opinion for entering into this with full knowledge of the situation. I have been told that she made the first move, coming on to him at work and came right out and asked him if she could come over and whatever happens just happens.

 

No man is going to turn down a booty call with a younger woman, especially at his age. She has boosted his already inflated ego through the roof. He even told me what they did. How sickening. What's worse is that I know she did acts that I would not do examples--anal, 3somes. She is showing herself to be the ultimate slut. Atleast I know I'm not loved and smart enough to go the hell away.

 

I'm not begging him for a relationship that doesn't exist but he continues to call me trying to get me back. He still says he wants his freedom for now and wants both of us to fill his days. He don't want anything near like a marriage or living together, says he CARES about me and didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I've been to hurt and pissed off about the whole thing to even shed a tear.

[Adunaphel]

I'm getting over him with great ease since finding out about the OOW.

I'm glad to know that you have enough strenght, or self esteem, or a combination of both to manage to get over him relatively easily.

I know that many people wouldn't -some would be still sticking around.

 

I'm walking around with my head up even though it hurts like hell to know he used me for 2 yrs making me think we would be together.

 

Perhaps he was really thinking it, back then, then something (perhaps the separation?) changed him?

I do hope that he did not use you on purpose.

 

The OOW is in for a rude awakening when she gets her senses together. Why would this woman want a relationship with someone she knows is married and has OW in a longterm relationship? She started out knowing the situation.

 

My guess is that she is either a person who likes kinky situations and is actually able to have sex without strings, or that she is desperate/is very infatuated with him.

 

He is still trying to get back with me but I'm not asking for the drama that he brought into what we had.

 

You are wiser than quite a lot of persons.

 

You said in another post that you have a bad marriage - sorry to hear that. Any hopes to work things out?

[whichwayisup]

Why would this woman want a relationship with someone she knows is married and has OW in a longterm relationship? She started out knowing the situation.

 

Because she is seeing what she only wants to see and is letting her emotions rule her choices. One day she may look back and realize what a mistake she made, just like you did.

[Guest]

I'm glad to know that you have enough strenght, or self esteem, or a combination of both to manage to get over him relatively easily.

I know that many people wouldn't -some would be still sticking around.

 

 

 

Perhaps he was really thinking it, back then, then something (perhaps the separation?) changed him?

I do hope that he did not use you on purpose.

 

 

 

My guess is that she is either a person who likes kinky situations and is actually able to have sex without strings, or that she is desperate/is very infatuated with him.

 

 

 

You are wiser than quite a lot of persons.

 

You said in another post that you have a bad marriage - sorry to hear that. Any hopes to work things out?

 

We both have bad marriages and his is beyond repair. My H is trying really hard to make our marriage work. He doesn't know about the affair. He was suspicious at one time but not anymore. With all the drama going on now he could easily find out and put the puzzle together. I'm afraid I would have to deny everything and believe that if he hears anything it will be about this guy and the OOW. H knows my affair partner, we ran into him and his W while shopping and I was shocked to know my H had known the man half his life. MM was just as surprised to realize that this is who I'm married to. He knew his name and it just didn't register with him. The 4 of us meeting in Walmart was good. I also realized that I knew his W. It was passed off at the time as us working together which was the truth at that time. Neither my H or his W thought anything of us running into each other and we stood around and talked briefly and it went smoothly. This OOW will cause too much drama for him in a short time and it will be over because he can't stand the stress. He has even told me that but I know how he is about being put on the spot. He don't like being cornered with no way out or having to answer for his actions. She will never have a long term relationship with MM. She is just a booty call willing to jump when he calls. He told me that he regrets putting me in this position and wishes he had behaved for once in his life. He is miserable and I'm hearing about it everyday but I'm not giving into the game. I will come out on top when all is said and done. Let him go through some misery it will not hurt him to feel like I was made to feel.

[consternation]

""He is miserable and I'm hearing about it everyday but I'm not giving into the game. I will come out on top when all is said and done. Let him go through some misery it will not hurt him to feel like I was made to feel.""

 

Please don't tell me this means you are considering going back to him.... ater he has been miserable long enough.

[Guest]

""He is miserable and I'm hearing about it everyday but I'm not giving into the game. I will come out on top when all is said and done. Let him go through some misery it will not hurt him to feel like I was made to feel.""

 

Please don't tell me this means you are considering going back to him.... ater he has been miserable long enough.

 

I will not jump back into the fire. I've been burned enough. Now I want to play a few mind games with him. They say revenge is sweet. I just don't know how to go about it in a way that would really get to him. I want him and the OOW to part their ways, never see each other again, but I don't want him to be with me again either. Does that make sense? I feel like we are better off apart forever. I don't want her to end up with him. She is a slut from the beginning. As far as I'm concerned he can be with whoever he wants except for this woman. Maybe someone else will step in the picture and do just what she did and she will see how it feels. I can make her life miserable as well. I have many friends that still work where both of them work and it would not be a problem for them to help me out. One already wants to take it into their hands while I sit back and watch the fall out. Got any ideas on what to do? I guess you can tell I'm still in the anger phase. There is nothing worse than a woman scorned.

[newbby]

this is strangely hypocritical. you are judging the oow, then you think you are exempt from judgement of similar actions?

it doesnt make alot of sense. revenge is bitter, not sweet at all. when you aim for revenge all you do is keep yourself locked in those unpleasant emotions, this in turn keeps you bitter.

[Adunaphel]

I will not jump back into the fire. I've been burned enough. Now I want to play a few mind games with him.

 

Playing a few mind games with him, as you put it, would be jumping back into the fire.

 

 

 

They say revenge is sweet. I just don't know how to go about it in a way that would really get to him. I want him and the OOW to part their ways, never see each other again, but I don't want him to be with me again either. Does that make sense?

 

Yes. Well, it does not make any logical sense. But we are not robots, we are human beings. And it is a very common reaction for a hurt person.

It is the same reaction that you'd have if you were dumping/divorcing a cheater. You don't want him, but you don't want the other woman to have him either.

 

I don't want her to end up with him. She is a slut from the beginning.

 

Sorry, she is not necessarily a slut.

I understand how you feel, and I think it is normal that you hate her, and think she is a slut.

You are probably feeling like most W would feel about the OW (only, probably, their reaction would be *way* stronger).

You are directing your anger more towards her than towards him.

Problem is that technically, you don't even "own" him, like his wife does.

So you don't really have a "right" to get mad at the other woman. If you are anything like me, the fact that you do not have a real "right" to get angry, as a W or gf would do, will make you even more hateful towards her.

 

As far as I'm concerned he can be with whoever he wants except for this woman. Maybe someone else will step in the picture and do just what she did and she will see how it feels.

 

Unfortunately you can't help it.

 

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and I think I can understand at least partly how you feel.

When MM I had a short affair with (I was more like a booty call, actually) slept (well, perhaps he didn't, but I believe he did) with a girl who is very beautiful but has a reputation for sleeping around (to quote a friend of mine, "to her opening her legs is as easy as opening a pack of cigarettes" ), I was *crushed*. Cried for days. Hated her with all my heart. Wished the most horrible things to them. Called her all the names possible.

And I had been no more than a booty call, at best, to this man.

I can just imagine how bad it feels when you have believed for two years you'd get together.

(and -note to self- I should try to imagine how bad it would be to BS, who have been with their H for *years*, sometimes half a life, *are their legitimate partners*, did not know from the beginning what kind of guy they were dealing with)

So please believe me that I can have 8even if the slightest) idea about how you are feeling.

It is normal that you are feeling that way.

But please do not do anything.

The OOW does not have anything about you personally.

She either can have sex with no strings attached (which I doubt) or is up for some rough time.

 

I can make her life miserable as well.

 

Don't you even try. Please.

 

I have many friends that still work where both of them work and it would not be a problem for them to help me out. One already wants to take it into their hands while I sit back and watch the fall out.

 

Forbid him to. I am surprised that he is not advising you against it, actually.

 

Got any ideas on what to do? I guess you can tell I'm still in the anger phase. There is nothing worse than a woman scorned.

 

Fantasize about ruining her life, if it makes you feel any better. but do not act out the fantasy.

You'd be damaging more yourself than her. Surely you won't damage him.

And both you and the OOW already have been, or will be, damaged enough by what happened.

[newbby]

adunaphel is right. my post was probably harsh and not very understanding. i just object to women calling fellow women sluts...but after reading adunaphels post, i realised, you are just angry and hurt. hey my ex mm went off with another ow too, and it hurt me, he then tried to lie to me about it. of course i had the fear that he would fall in love with her, i also know that he is probably having a great time at the moment, but i am glad that its over. i am glad that i had the opportunity to meet a nice sg, i am glad that when he gets caught in an affair, it wont be with me, i am glad i am not the woman currently being used for sex. there are many blessings, but you are in the angry stage and these are difficult to see now....it wont take long before you move to the next stage, just keep going. dont though keep yourself locked in this situation by trying to get revenge. it really will hurt you the most.

[Guest]

adunaphel is right. my post was probably harsh and not very understanding. i just object to women calling fellow women sluts...but after reading adunaphels post, i realised, you are just angry and hurt. hey my ex mm went off with another ow too, and it hurt me, he then tried to lie to me about it. of course i had the fear that he would fall in love with her, i also know that he is probably having a great time at the moment, but i am glad that its over. i am glad that i had the opportunity to meet a nice sg, i am glad that when he gets caught in an affair, it wont be with me, i am glad i am not the woman currently being used for sex. there are many blessings, but you are in the angry stage and these are difficult to see now....it wont take long before you move to the next stage, just keep going. dont though keep yourself locked in this situation by trying to get revenge. it really will hurt you the most.

 

I'm not usually like this at all. I'll be glad when I get over the anger. It would help if he stopped calling me a couple of times a day. It's not sinking into his head that it's over. I think this is just prolonging this stage for me.

[Adunaphel]

I'm not usually like this at all.

 

I'm sure you are not. It's a rather weird sensation, isn't it?

Even if it sounds like a paradox, when I feel that someone brings out "my darkest side", I get even more mad at them. It's a kind of vicious circle.

I hope that this "I hate you because I'm not usually like this and it's your fault" does not happen to you, also.

 

I'll be glad when I get over the anger.

 

I hope you get over it soon.

 

It would help if he stopped calling me a couple of times a day. It's not sinking into his head that it's over. I think this is just prolonging this stage for me.

 

It would be great if there was any way to make him understand once for all that his calls are not welcome.

[Guest]

 

I'm sure you are not. It's a rather weird sensation, isn't it?

Even if it sounds like a paradox, when I feel that someone brings out "my darkest side", I get even more mad at them. It's a kind of vicious circle.

I hope that this "I hate you because I'm not usually like this and it's your fault" does not happen to you, also.

 

 

 

I hope you get over it soon.

 

 

 

It would be great if there was any way to make him understand once for all that his calls are not welcome.

 

A friend of mine wants to give him a little payback. She has my permission to carry through with her plan. She is going to see him and give him a booty call and make him think she is really interested in making it a regular thing. When she has played with him enough she is going to inform the OOW that they are seeing each other and the OOW's H is going to be told about her affair. This friend also works at the same place as OOW and my guy. My guy knows her but doesn't know that she is friends with me. I think the house is going to fall on the OOW. She ruined my relationship and now it's time to ruin her. My friend wants to take them both down while I sit back and act like I don't know a thing about it. I don't think he will realize what's happening until it's all done and probably will not suspect I'm behind it. I have also changed my phone number so he will not keep calling me. I'm in a position to watch from a distance and know everything that's going on. It's kind of like being the fly on the wall.

[freakygal78]

He is still trying to chip away at you - bit by bit - wear you down - it's like a drip drip rot and MM know that they have power over you so they'll do it even though IMO I think he is acting despicably and totally selfishly. I did a revenge stunt once years ago although he was more a new bf of mine. I suspected he was seeing someone else and wasn't sure about which of us to choose so I made up a pf on messenger and added his housemate's alias to it through whom I pretended to be a hot blonde and found out the info about my no-good lying bf and his daily activities. It served its purpose - I found out what he was really like but I become so dark and bitter and consumed - this went on for weeks. It's not worth it and I wouldn't do anything like it again.

[Adunaphel]

As long as you keep posting, I am going to try to talk you out of your plan.

 

A friend of mine wants to give him a little payback. She has my permission to carry through with her plan.

 

I beg you to withdraw your permission.

It is great knowing that your friends are so supportive of you that they would go to great lenghts to hurt someone who hurt you, but actually doing it is so bad an idea that I'd bet 1000 to 1 that if you did it, after some time (LESS time than you think) you will be *extremely* sorry that you did it.

 

There are much more healty ways your friends can be supportive of you.

I actually hope your friend is just plotting this wicked, devilish plan to ruin OOW's life to help you feel better, and make you pour some of your anger/hate into it, but would actually *not* do it, knowing it would come back at you and bite you in a not-so-distant future.

 

 

She ruined my relationship and now it's time to ruin her.

 

It's not really like she ruined your relationship.

True, she helped, but if she is like you described her, then it means that if it hadn't been her, it would have been some other woman. If she is anything like you described her, and she could seduce him, then he is a guy who would not have missed any chance he was offered to sleep with some new woman.

Does it make sense to you?

 

I don't think he will realize what's happening until it's all done and probably will not suspect I'm behind it.

 

He might not realize it at first, but in the end if you carry out the plan EVERYONE will know it was you.

You will be the bad guy in the situation.

You will lose the respect of quite a lot of people, including some people you acre about, you will make yourself a very bad reputation, working where you work might become hell, and for all you know the OOW and her friends might be even more revengeful than you and your friend. In case she (or some friend of hers who -like your freind- has the bad habit of going VERY out of her way to revenge her friends' hurt feelings) is nuts, you might end up needing urgent facial surgery.

Even without letting immagination wander so far, if your friend carries out her plan, she'll be helping you ruin your life, no matter if her intentions are good.

 

 

I have also changed my phone number so he will not keep calling me.

Good. This is healthy.

 

I'm in a position to watch from a distance and know everything that's going on.

 

You are in a position to screw yourself way more effectively and hurtfully than any guy, married or not, would ever be able to.

I mean it. As harsh as I put it.

 

p.s. What if your friend actually carries out her little plan and while she is doing this

She is going to see him and give him a booty call and make him think she is really interested in making it a regular thing. When she has played with him enough

you start being jealous?

You start wondering whether she might fall for him since he is so charming.

You start worrying whether your friend is actually enjoying adescating your MM.

You start worrying if she is actually telling you *everything*.

And so on.

If such a thing happens (and it would happen to MANY women I know) you'd be feeling worse than you are feeling now.

In the satte of mind you are now, it would probably just take you very little to get jealous even of your best friend.

 

Call me a bitch if you will.

 

Really. Do not do it. Just fantasize about it if it helps. Do not act it out. It would make you become a bad person.

[newbby]

 

I think the house is going to fall on the OOW. She ruined my relationship and now it's time to ruin her. My friend wants to take them both down while I sit back and act like I don't know a thing about it. I don't think he will realize what's happening until it's all done and probably will not suspect I'm behind it.

 

 

for one thing, you have a friend who doesnt seem able to help you in the right way. perhaps she is as much addicted to the drama as you are, but if you want somebody to help you through this, please choose somebody a little bit more level headed.

another thing, think about this. if mm's WIFE decided to bring you down for ruining her relationship, would you consider this fair and just?

perhaps you are just so caught up in this that you are blind to anything but your own anger and jealousy.

you need to take a good step back.

THINK.

you are labelling and judging this oow, AND plotting to destroy her, when somebody could actually hold the very same view of you. dont you think his wife would also regard you as a slut? i am sorry to say it, but go into infidelity and read what bs's think of their h's ow. obviously they are also operating on rage and jealousy.

at least if his wife does try to bring you down you will have an idea of where she is coming from...

and the last thing, she has ruined your relationship. WHAT kind of relationship has she ruined? this guy wants sex, as much as he can get of it, in as many different ways he can have it. and to be wanted and desired by as many women as possible. it was never a relationship to him, it was sex, plain and simple. he may well have been charming and romantic and even emotional with you, but it is all with one aim in mind. i know how hard this is to accept. what has happened with you is that everything has been quick, and i think it has sent you spinning.

you need a way to get all of this out of your mind and calm down. whilst you are plotting your revenge you are actively keeping your addiction to this drama alive.

you need to let it go. AND it is always best to keep as much dignity as possible. even if at the time you feel crazy, you would feel better to walk away and know you handled a situation with dignity.