Between a rock and a soft place, maybe too soft.

[gabelee]

I turned 40 recently, I've aged alot over the last year. It's especially hard because of where I am (or rather am NOT) in my life.

I see myself as a weak person. I am just now finishing graduate school. I am afraid to be out in the real world. I am emotionally not very strong,a bit on the neurotic side, a lot on the defensive side. When pressure gets heavy, I usually am able to buckle down and get the job done. But I'm not the greatest at consistent effort.Like many others, I tend to postpone, get sidetracked. I want to change myself, but don't know how.

My "life problem" involves my boyfriend, S. He is a great guy who loves me. We have been in our relationship, most of it long distance, for about 12 years. He is now an energetic 52. I helped him raise his son, on and off during the 12 years, but continuously between the ages of 12-16 when we three lived together under one roof. I stayed in the relationship because I felt comfortable and loved, and enjoyed parenting.

I seem to get from caring for kids what I can't achieve in the adult world.

 

At first I tried entering the relationship as family head, but because of my student status and generally weak personality I ended up being the one "taken care of" by S. He is a factory worker, has a great social life, is loved by many. I am a loner type. I do love them both. But now the son is 19, is ready to move out, and I am facing a future with S I am not sure I want.

S and I have been in a long-distance for the past two years. I have not broken the relationship off because I love him, and have been simply unsure of what I want. If I were to come to a decision to go on my own, I would tell him. But I've been unable to reach such a decision.I have been in a foreign country. I've spent some energy trying to create a new relationship here, testing the waters, trying to see if I can meet someone I can take care of. Someone younger. I now realize this is my fundamental desire. To not live under a father figure anymore, to have a relationship in which "Equal" is the operative concept. I don't want to feel subordinated (this extends to all areas of the relationship, less financial than psychological) to anyone (this is how it feels to me)-- even S-- anymore. But all my attempts at trial relationships have failed, mostly because of my spiritual/personality weakness. It seems I try too hard and put people off, or exhibit excessive worrying trends. I've dated about a dozen people during that time, and no luck. Now the years are starting to tell on my face, and I know it will be harder and harder to find such a person. Meanwhile, S is busily planning for our future. The thought of a future with S is not abhorrent to me. I am in pain because I can settle down with S and be comfortable but feel unfulfilled, or I can break it off with him and face the possibility of failure and loneliness. Or I can continue to ride this fence.

Already I see there are contradictions is my writing, but I will let them stand at this point. I don't know which questions to ask myself to arrive at a solution.

Please help??

(fyi, not that it should prob. matter, but we're both guys.)

[bluechocolate]

You've been with 'S' for 12 years & while you are still together (albeit at a distance) you're busy looking for someone else to fulfill something in you. It seems to me that you want to move from one 'needy' relationship straight into another with nothing inbetween.

 

Maybe you need to be alone for a while?

 

Now the years are starting to tell on my face, and I know it will be harder and harder to find such a person.

 

Only if you convince yourself that that is the truth.

[gabelee]

Thanks, Blue Chocolate, for your comments.

 

I am technically alone, and have proceeded for 2 years as if alone (not partnered). Are you saying things might develop differently if I actually make the break while nothing else changes?

I don't seem to be getting the idea. Your signature definitely seems to apply here.

I accept and value your point about "mindset."

I don't know how to begin to overcome being dependent, "needy", although this is what I most want.

[bluechocolate]

Are you saying things might develop differently if I actually make the break while nothing else changes?

Yes, partly. You need to be honest with yourself about what else needs to change. I just don't think you're going to find that out or affect those changes by moving straight into another relationship. You may be technically alone, but there is 'S' planning your future together & there you are planning some kind of other future, with or without him.

 

Have you two talked about this? Have you shared your concerns & doubts with him? Are you entirely convinced that staying with him means you can't change?

[gabelee]

BC,

 

Again, thank you for your response. Your last question (re. whether I believe I cannot change while with him) hit home quite a lot. I need to think about this point. As you stated clearly in your initial message, perhaps I have been looking at a new relationship as a "quick fix" one that won't work until I work on myself. That statement, in particular, appears clearer to me now.

When S and I live together, he is the one with the "real job," the one with the car (I can't drive), all the friends, paternal attitude, the one who has the son. I just mold myself into vacant space within his domain (personality, etc.) and feel content to feel safe. May I also add that when his dominance extended to intimate affairs, I began to really hate myself and withdrew. We had practically no relations for almost three years of the five of continuously living together.

When I got out of that suffocating situation and came abroad, I nearly went crazy from the years of stifling my sex drive, being invisible, and just dove right in, moving from one brief (1 day to two months) relationship to the next, wasting lots of time and money but ending up not finding what I was looking for. These dozen or so "relationships," esp. their endings, took a huge toll on my psyche and body. Now I am left with nothing to show but a year and a half of pain, and still no inner progress. I have about one year left in this country. I am sure I would like to find someone here to plan a future with, if I could. Although I tend towards being a loner, I eventually get so lonely it's unbearable (like now, it has been 6 mos. since my last partner) and although I know I **should** stay alone, I end up trying to meet people anyway. Meanwhile, age seems to be taking care of the problem of partners for me. I really have aged tremendously in just a year or so.

I seem to be losing everything. I know S loves me, but I feel living with him carries too high a price tag. But it's possible I could change with him. I would talk to him if I felt I could express my feelings coherently in words. To top it off, we have different native languages. At any rate, I will think about your question. Thank you for your help!

[riobikini]

Gabelee:

 

Overall, it doesn't matter whether you are male or female concerning your life dilemma, right now.

 

It's obvious that, of the two of you, -you are probably the one most aware of his feelings and often more concerned about *where* his life is going.

 

And because of that (your personality) you are likely a good deal more sophisticated than your partner in social matters, as well.

 

The aspects of your personality you talk about in your post are all constant factors in how you perceive the world around you -more sensitive and 'in touch' with everything, -and everyone.

 

Trouble is, that causes an overload of emotional stress that's difficult to carry for very long periods without experiencing some kind of breakdown (i.e. ambivalent feelings regarding the desire to 'give up', not being able to cope/deal effectively with what you are taking in emotionally/mentally, and possibly an overwhelming desire just to run away from it all).

 

From your post, it sounds like you have essentially 'cornered' yourself by applying unnecessary pressure to acheive a goal that has (in your mind) defined your self-worth in whether you are able to accomplish it or not.

 

You *must* release yourself from that kind of pressure.

 

First, nearly everyone feels at least, *some* anxiety when they near the finish line in academic education. That kind of anxiety is inevitable: it's sort of like this all-important big question suddenly appears to confront you, asking, "So now that you've done *all this* -come this far, completed *this* task- what are you going to *do* with it?"

 

That question challenges you, and dogs you to get its answer.

 

And carrying that weight of accomplishment, you are *compelled* to answer it.

 

Thus the anxiety.

 

All during this time, pending your exit from your academic accomplishment, you have been growing in all sorts of ways, -perhaps *beyond* the appreciation and educational accomplishments of your partner.

 

Even if you love him there may be this obvious inequality separating the two of you like an omnious gaping cavern.

 

It makes the school of thought that love can overcome such obstacles seem like a great lie.

 

But it has more to do with the separate growth of two different individuals and the specific life choices they have made which spurred that growth along the way, than love alone.

 

I think you are at a crossroads in your life where the above questions and challenges are literally in your face, and are forcing you to act on your growth and acheivements.

 

Because you are now approaching the threshold of emormous change and greater life challenges and accomplishments you are experiencing sadness over the thought of leaving your lover behind, and self-doubt about whether you can live with it if you do.

 

I can assure you that you are not alone in your dilemma, -others have faced the same concerns at this very crucial crossroads in their lives, as well.

 

And they have *successfully* overcome the anxieties and dealt with the pain of making similar difficult decisions. *You can, too*.

 

There may be issues (past and present) that you could use a little help with as you move forward -I suggest you involve some kind of mental health professional with these issues.

 

I hope that what I have said helps you and I certainly wish upon you the very best life has offer.

 

Congratulations on completing graduate school (Smile -and 'hats off to you!') -it's something you will never regret, no matter how old you are -or how old you become!

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[gabelee]

Rio,

 

Written so well and so eloquently. Thank you!!! I have read your message twice carefully. Mental health advice noted. Until then, I'll have to settle for "damage control." I especially liked your comment about not forcing myself to feel pressure over achieving the "goal" of a happy relationship, as if it were a homework assignment. This was very insightful on your part and hit the nail right on the head. I will think about this point also, together with BC's comment on "change."

It was interesting to me that you selected education as a focus of your comments. Your positive perspective is one I should emulate. Because I never felt I was truly suited for grad school, it has never been a source of self-esteem, only the site of relentless feelings of insecurity and embattlements. I now ponder that if I were a factory worker like S, I might have the possibility of being happy with him and our life together. Perhaps this is one of the hazards of class-jumping, in which you never quite fit into one (working) or the other (middle). Perhaps my inner struggle over staying with or leaving S reflects my own identity complex grounded in that very problem. I got this idea as I was reading your message. More thinking needed, I guess.

I appreciate your insight and encouragement.

GL

[norajane]

I don't know how to begin to overcome being dependent, "needy", although this is what I most want.

 

It's hard to overcome being dependent if you are being taken care of...you kinda have to be on your own in order to learn how to stand on your own two feet without a safety net.

 

However, you have been on your own in that you have managed to live in a different country and go to school and all that, so you're not entirely dependent on your bf. Still, if you feel dependent, breaking the dependency might mean leaving your SO and proving to yourself that you can make it on your own.

[Outcast]

Did you ever discuss this with the bf? Did you ever have a conversation about roles and independence and dependence? Is it not possible that because you are not assertive, he just naturally took on roles that you didn't or wouldn't take on and assumed that was fine since he heard no protest?

 

Number one thing you must master if you want to be in a successful relationship is communication - as in voicing your needs, hopes, dreams, etc. Discussing them. Negotiating, if you don't see eye to eye.

 

I am getting the feeling that you think that there will be someone who will just be the right fit for you because he will know instinctively where you wish to be more assertive and where not. You won't find that person. You need to master communication first of all, and then the rest will come to you.

[gabelee]

Many thanks to all 4 respondents.

Outcast: your hunch is correct, in that he more or less took over where I did not /could not assert myself. I just "bowed out," acknowledging my own "failures." There seemed no other alternative. I did not say anything. It seemed pointless. There was nothing he could do to make me a different person, after all. I wanted to be at least equal with him, but in some sense slid down to position of (almost) "kid number two." It's difficult to communicate a problem when you are unsure of its origin or what it means. Also, in survival terms, the 'economy' of the relationship basically 'worked', so to upset it at that time carried the risk of harm to all parties, esp. the child.

After reading rio's comments I realized that, insofar as I experienced lots of "class shame" as a youngster--shame which actually propelled me into higher education to overcome those feelings--I still have both inwardly and outwardly directed class prejudices at the unconscious level. I feel I need to accept/embrace S's class status. My hunch is that accepting him for who 'he is' will be predicated on accepting myself for who 'I am' (?) and 'am not' (?). S has been a model human being, taking control years ago to keep our lives on track when I really couldn't, and I have resented him for it because it spelled out my failure to "be in charge of" /dominate the class I've struggled to escape from. Ours has truly been a love-hate sympathy-anger relationship for me from the very beginning, I think now, because while I best relate to working class (he and I chose each other, after all) I (unjustly) resent it at the same time.

This aspect is something I've never really pondered before, but seems to me to be at the root of my dilemma. Maybe, as bc noted, I should see if there is the possibility for change within the relationship first, "get my house in order" there before finally making that whole-hearted commitment to him, or leaving him and looking for someone new.

[bluechocolate]

I think all this stuff about class status has nothing to do with class & everything to do with how you view yourself (which kinda sounds like a contradiction I suppose). In my opinion the class business is just you externalising your own insecurities.

 

I feel I need to accept/embrace S's class status.

 

How about just embracing/accepting him for who he is, regardless of his 'class status'? Would you automatically accept/embrace someone else simply based on what you perceive to be their 'rank' in society? That really is such an outdated line of thinking & I'm surprised that at your age you feel this way. You need to take everyone out of that box you've put them into, including yourself.

 

Hasn't anyone told you? - we live in a meritocracy now!

[riobikini]

re:

 

Gabalee: "After reading rio's comments I realized that, insofar as I experienced lots of "class shame" as a youngster--shame which actually propelled me into higher education to overcome those feelings--I still have both inwardly and outwardly directed class prejudices at the unconscious level. I feel I need to accept/embrace S's class status. My hunch is that accepting him for who 'he is' will be predicated on accepting myself for who 'I am' (?) and 'am not' (?). "

 

That may well be true, Gab, -still- I think no one should *force* themselves to be with someone they are not (cannot) be happy with.

 

Value of a human being is determined by no other except himself.

 

As for realizing your unconciously developed class predjudices -well- we *all* realize the differences in where we all stand economically, educationally, etc. *because* they do have direct influence on where we happen to be in the socio-economic ladder at any given time of our lives.

 

It doesn't seem to affect the ability of many to love beyond that line in the sand, but it can be a line some choose not to cross.

 

The decision to waiver caution and stigma and choose a partner from the wrong side of the tracks (so to speak) -or choose someone in a so-called 'higher' class is never exactly 'right' or 'wrong', -it's just whatever works for the two involved.

 

My point in my post was more specifically about the typical situation created when one partner grows beyond the familiar perimeters of the relationship via higher education or other means, -and which almost always causes some degree of anxiety or fear in one or both of the partners regarding the growth -or jump- to a higher socio-economic level which often creates some mild concern that the relationship could end due to the inability of at least one of the partners to 'grow' with the changes.

 

The key word here, is *adjustment*.

 

The ideal goal would be for *both* partners to have similar growth simultaneously (both seeking improvements, i.e. personal, educational, etc.)

 

But when that doesn't happen and one partner's socio-economic growth exceeds those of the other, it can cause a problem that's best not shoved on the back-burner and ignored.

 

It truly needs to be dealt with to resolve those anxieties, fears, and feelings of being left behind.

 

If, indeed, the growth of one of the partners has caused him/her to realize the need to move further ahead in his expectations of a relationship, then he/she may experience added anxiety themselves due to the highly emotional dilemma created involving love emotions, feelings of abandoning the other partner, and generally, a whole lotta unexpected, confusing and, ambivalent feelings.

 

Gab, the exercise here, is not to 'take on' all the suggestions that are being given, -but to sift through them with the help of a professional and find the truth for yourself.

 

If one is unavailable to you, I urge you to be acutely aware that these suggestions are only one-sided bits insight from myself and others that are only meant to awaken you to the possibilities.

 

None of it is intended to confuse you further.

 

Do some research on your own through books, internet, and find a good sounding board who is available to sit down with you and just listen to your problem(s).

 

(Smile) And *know* that you can always come to this board and get thought-provoking replies.

 

I hope I have helped you in some way with what I've said.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[gabelee]

Thanks again, both of you, for kinda sticking with me on this. I appreciate that L.Shack comments are intended to open up avenues to new perceptions of one's problems, and not to provide ultimate solutions.

My life has been about avoiding realities and struggling madly to achieve beyond what could be called by "actual potential." This has involved fundamental denials of factors that might have gotten in the way of "success" , i.e., denials of "realistic limitations ": "actual ability." I have imagination, enthusiasm and drive; much less actual talent or "actual ability." It has involved a kind of self-delusion, pushing by hook or by crook to move up and out and away from what I termed as my "class," but in actuality, as BC picked up from my last post, from how I perceived myself within class and all the other social and psychological structures we all exist in. It has probably all been an internal phenomenon through which I make my "projections" onto the world. Now I am 40 and have no grounding in who I really am. I have no clear idea of what my actual potentials and limitations are. I look at my university degrees and I register nothing. I never know in any aspect of my life if this or that is truly "right" for me. And this includes my relationship with"S."

I cannot throw away 20 years of work to "find my original self" again, to decide that I should really should have been a so-called (pardon the expression) "non-achiever," that I would have been better off accepting limitations and accepting my accorded lot in life. Even if I did this, I still would not be happy. So now I face a long uphill battle to keep on top of things, even though I am now at an age where I should be "settled." I wonder if this is my punishment for my delusional upward climb. That I will have to keep climbing until I "drop."

Now finally: I have a date this Friday with someone who broke up with me in Feb. I made super-human efforts to make this relationship work. But then, just before V-Day, I got insecure and, as is typical with me, said something I shouldn't have said in a sudden outburst of anger about a certain aspect of the "relationship" I had been unhappy about, but had not been saying anything about-- because that would mean the relationship has "problems." Sometimes I say or write things that are very offensive and critical of my partners, but it doesn't **feel** unjustified to me at the time, as I'm saying it or writing it, only AFTERWARDS when I think about how the other person might have felt, or better yet, how I would have felt if he had said the same thing to me. This realization tends to come too late, after the pressure valve has broken open, post- "blow-up." However, I'm now determined to stop this behavior by kerbing impulses to blame.

So, in closing this thread (if anyone will look again at this already "outdated" post) can anyone give me a tip or two based on the above? I have pretty much emptied myself at this point. I cannot get any professional help until next year. In the meantime, damage control seems the best I can hope for.

[riobikini]

Gab: "...damage control is the best I can hope for...."

 

 

 

Then I attempt to give you damage control.

 

Gab, no one stays *exactly* the *same*.

 

And tho we do find ourselves wishing sometimes to reconnect somehow with much simpler times in our past, we often -at the conclusion of our thoughts- wind up realizing that the more complicated present -even with its 'bad' experiences- have helped us to acheive something that is worthwhile.

 

Do not discount or devalue your life experiences.

 

Increduously, you seem to convey a feeling of guilt over certain acheivements. It sounds as if you feel you do not deserve what you have acheived.

 

The tone of your recent post almost apologizes for accomplishing a means to improve your life in all sorts of ways, and seems to be the basis for your ongoing emotional battle.

 

Gab, stop blaming yourself for being successful in meeting some very admirable and difficult goals, -it should be reason for celebration and and joy, -certainly not pain, depression, and regret.

 

As for the feeling you have about not feeling worthy of your acheivements, -you would not have succeeded through them to be bestowed with the entitlement of having them, had you not worked hard for them, and deserved them.

 

Some (upon completing difficult assignments, climbing difficult 'mountains' in life) do feel a certain sadness for others who have been close to them -and who did not do as well, or acheive as great a goal as they- and experience a deep sense of regret and sadness because they feel they are leaving behind (abandoning) people they love.

 

It is not wrong to grow to your potential.

 

It is not wrong to embrace the changes to do so.

 

It is terribly wrong (for yourself) to deny your accomplishments and the greater path where they lead.

 

About what may be supporting and fostering that feeling of 'unworthiness' or feeling incapable of meeting the requirements of the level you have moved up to: this is a lie that your *unwillingness* to fully receive and grasp the potential of your new-found capabilities is telling you.

 

And the sad part is, you are buying into the lie.

 

And buying into the lie makes you feel as if your whole life has been a lie.

 

In truth, your life, your accomplishments, and your contributions have all been a worthwhile struggle and form the basis for a very bright and happy future that has much to offer *if it's embraced*.

 

About chasing those 'last chances' for true love: *you must get the self-worth part straightened out before you have enough to fulfill the obligations of a meaningful longterm relationship with anyone, Gab*.

 

And that will take time.

 

Forget about youth, physical attraction, and the thrill of new romantic introductions -look, we all lose our physical appearance with age, and there's a bridge we all cross where we find that attraction is *not* necessarily purely physical- it becomes something more.

 

You seem frightened by the inevitable fact that your physical looks are changing -and in your eyes, you see that as a negative thing.

 

Gab, it is time to look beyond the bridge and realize that love, relationships, and life are -at the very core- about nearly anything except the physical aspect.

 

Take some time to absorb what I have said.

 

I suggest taking time off from desperately pursuing romantic relationships, as well.

 

Look for the more important things life has to offer you -look at the things you have accomplished, learn to appreciate them -(look at all the hard work you have put into meeting your goals) and begin all of this by making it a point (an exercise) to be far, far less critical of yourself.

 

I hope what I have said helps you.

 

Keep posting in the boards for as long as you need.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[gabelee]

Thank you rio, for your post. I am going to take time as you said and think things over, including your compelling points. God bless!