amaysngrace Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I heard from a guy who I blew off pretty badly more than once. I call him my 'lame-lay guy', because the sex was so routine on his part. But that's not why I blew him off. I blew him off the first time because after we had lousy sex together, he passed out and I had to walk myself home. I even lied to my friend and told her he did, and spared her the details of the lousy sex. She's met him and says he seems irresponsible. (I think: he used protection!) One night afterwards he showed up unannounced and buddied up to my 8 yr. old son. My son is so starved of male companionship due to my divorce. His dad was never active in the children's lives, which was a big determining factor of my divorcing him. Since, he sees our son weekly but not daily, but the time spent is much more quality. Anyway, back to lame-lay...the night he was being my son's friend, he mentioned he was going to take us to the IMAX in AC to see the Pirate movie. My son was so excited, the next day he told my daughter when she woke up. The day came and went and I never heard from him. (must've been killer waves, dude). The day after, he calls and nonchalantly says "hey, what's up?" I was pissed. I told him that's strike two. One, he didn't walk me home and Two, he failed to keep a promise he made to my son. Well, I guess he didn't like that very much because he said "maybe I'm not the guy for you". And I'm thinking: damn skippy. I did the NC thing, and it took zero effort. But something made me keep thinking of him. He's a pretty cool guy. He's very laid back, and we have great conversation. He plays guitar, surfs, and is responsible as far as I can see, I mean, he had lights on which I think: he pays his bills. I think I'm being a bit unfair on him for the thing with my son. He doesn't have children, and we had never discussed how the abusive marriage and the divorce has affected my son. He called the other night and we talked about it. We both heard each other out and I feel pretty good about the way it all went down. We both said that we're sorry. And I feel as though an understanding was reached, which is a whole new level for me to have that happen with a guy I'm into. We both said we've thought about each other in the past few weeks. He wants to take me out on a date. He said maybe dinner. He said he misses me. Which he can't understand because he's never been this into someone before, his exWife included. He said he loves to talk to me. And I swear, guys, I don't believe he's feeding me a line cause that's how I kind of feel about him too. So what do I do? I swear it's the weirdest feeling because I feel like I have a good vibe from him, despite his flaws. And I'm feeling like he feels the same for me. He has seen me be bitchy, but with good reason. I just feel like I went a little overboard on him in making my point. But the point was made and boundaries have been established. I almost feel that if I don't accept his invite and say good-bye forever, I may always wonder "what if". Is this cause I don't have steady companionship? Or do any of you recall bouncing someone back and forth in your mind for a while before they became special to you?
Author amaysngrace Posted August 15, 2006 Author Posted August 15, 2006 Give the kid a chance Gracey I did, Burnie, two in fact.
Angel291 Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I would be cautious if I was you. Making plans and then not showing up or calling to explain himself is something that would bother me. I dated a man who did the same thing. He would make plans and then just not show up and then act like it was no big deal. He turned out to be a major jerk. If he would have called you the next day and been apologetic right away it would have been different...but he acted like nothing had even happened. Just be very cautious whatever you decide to do.
Pyro Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I agree with Angel here. Take it slow and be cautious. You have given him chances in the past and he has screwed up before. I have faith in you, so I know that you will be a good judge in character.
britchick Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I would agree with the take it slow comments. At the moment you could probably not see him again with little heartache, but before long, as all us girls know, it will become difficult to finish with him no matter how unreliable he gets. I know it's really hard when your on your own with kids not to long for a bit of company, thing is sometimes it means we go for men that aren't that good for us. I would see him but try to keep my feelings in check but don't let him get involved with taking the kids places or making them promises yet, they get attached to new people so quickly and being let down will really hurt them. I had a brief relationship with what seemed a lovely guy, kids loved him etc. When the relationship ended he insisted on the kids returning the (inexpensive) gifts he gave them...what a ****!!!
Outcast Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Too often, I think, people get taken in by what someone says. Regardless of what the someone does. And we'll grab on to the tiniest straws to assure ourselves that we're making a great choice. He wore a condom and his lights are on? Big woo. Has he got a job? So he misses you, is into you, etc. Again - talk is cheap. Abusers tell you they love you in all earnestness. Forget that he's 'cool' and that he made nice words to soothe you with. Give him a chance but keep him on a very short leash. Make no more excuses for him. And don't grasp at these minute things to make your case to yourself. He might wear a condom because he fears getting hepatitis and maybe his last gf paid his electrical bills.
Asafan Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Be very very careful amay, not keeping a promise to your son is a very big red flag to me. If he does this so casually now, what about in the future. If I were in your shoes, and a woman I was dating promised my son something and didn't follow through, I would be VERY cautious about giving her another opportunity for a LONG time if ever. And if the sex was that lousy, what are you hoping for anyway. It sucks, but I would move on Cha-ching: My two cents
Author amaysngrace Posted August 15, 2006 Author Posted August 15, 2006 Too often, I think, people get taken in by what someone says. Regardless of what the someone does. And we'll grab on to the tiniest straws to assure ourselves that we're making a great choice. He wore a condom and his lights are on? Big woo. Has he got a job? This is so true, OC. He says the nicest things to me. But it's more than that, I feel like he gets me. He's a bit of a creative sort, and I can totally identify with that quality. Plus a free-spirit. He seems harmless though really. Unless I find myself in a situation where I've allowed him to disappoint me, which I hopefully won't do too easily. He actually has three jobs. Tobacco sales, a summer garden market job at his parents shop, and he carves tikis on the side. He was divorced in February. This whole dating thing is new to me. I am definitely not the same person I was when I hooked up w/ my exH. I've grown so much as a person. But the thing that scares me half to death is I have never been good at picking the right guys. I don't know if I could trust myself with the most perfect man who does EVERYTHING right.
Author amaysngrace Posted August 15, 2006 Author Posted August 15, 2006 Britchick, what you say makes a lot of sense to me. I didn't want him around my children so soon, but he showed up one night. He called first, but was on his cell and was up the road at the time. I honestly don't even know what a good man is, or what one who'd be good for me is rather. I don't want to set my standards so high that they are unrealistic. Am I being stupid?
Outcast Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 But it's more than that, I feel like he gets me Sorry, but don't trust that. The hope/desire for a connection with someone can lead us to believe things that just are not true. 'Feelings' are unreliable at best. LS is littered with people who were CERTAIN THIS WAS THE ONE - the same person who they ditched, or who cheated or who turned out to be worse. We're none of us all that sensible about issues like this; we have to be on guard for our own potential to deceive ourselves. If you want to figure out what makes a man a good man, check out some of the threads about what makes men attractive to women and make your own checklist from those you see. And give it time. You cannot know someone well in the first few months - but hardly everyone ever believes that - until they've known the person another few months and realized how much they didn't know. So reel in the temptation to think you have a connection, etc etc and just let it develop sloooowllly. And, allow me to repeat, don't make excuses for him. If he ditches you without a call again, it's probably a habit rather than an anomaly.
magichands Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 'Feelings' are unreliable at best. LS is littered with people who were CERTAIN THIS WAS THE ONE - the same person who they ditched, or who cheated or who turned out to be worse. Thanks so much for the reality check. Haha... and there I was thinking that your glass was half full (the aformentioned potential to deceive oneself).
Author amaysngrace Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 I am that kind of person too. Always trying to see the bright side of things. And it's a real hard habit to shake. Adding that to the fact that my marriage was horribly abusive, it makes most men seem like a good one, by comparison. It's possible that I have grown accustomed to making excuses for men who behave badly.
Author amaysngrace Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 not keeping a promise to your son is a very big red flag to me It was to me too, Asafan. That's why I basically told him to get lost. But then I can't help but think of him. And I'm not mad when I do. Are my thoughts so warped? Is this the result of an abusive marriage? Arghhhh.....just when I seem to have gotten it together I realize I've not been through it all yet.
Angel291 Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Hi again. I was reading over some of the comments that came after mine as well as your own further comments and I really think you might be best to stay away and here is why. You obviously are all ready having feelings for him, which is clearly going to make saying goodbye to him difficult as it is if you decide to do it now. But I would suggest doing it now because I can all ready see the scenario playing out in my head... He is a nice guy, does and says some nice things, you grow closer to him, then he pulls another red flag on you. You forgive him because you want to believe, things are nice, then more red flags emerge. You have scars from past abuse (was it recent that it ended?) and these will make you vulnerable to putting up with his crap and he will see that and walk all over it. In no time at all red flags are everywhere but you have grown so close to him you can't say goodbye...so you waste so much of your precious time sticking around hoping, until it ends in a broken heart and more hurt. Your thoughts are not warped they are normal. I mentioned I dated a man who did the same thing...and it grew worse over time until he became so horrible and ended in hurt for me. I felt so strongly for him in the beginning I wanted to hope against hope...even though the unapologetic not showing up when he said he was seemed really crappy to me from the very first time he did it, I wanted to hope...If only I had been strong enough to say good bye in the very beginning I would have saved myself the pain of saying goodbye later. It has been over one year since it ended and I STILL miss him! I could have saved myself a lot of tears. Thats just my little old opinion though. Good luck :-) By the way, one other thing. I do not know if you have done this yet or not, but if you haven't do not tell this guy about your past abuse or any man for that case unless you have gotten to know them and their character extremely well. I have learned that abusive men grab onto women with past abuse like a magnet...these men are very aware that a woman who has been previously abused is very vulnerable to putting up with more. I think they look for that sometimes. I will never tell any man about the man who abused me until I am very certain that he has an excellend character. Ok, good luck again! :-)
Outcast Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 He is a nice guy, does and says some nice things, you grow closer to him, then he pulls another red flag on you. You forgive him because you want to believe, things are nice, then more red flags emerge. You have scars from past abuse (was it recent that it ended?) and these will make you vulnerable to putting up with his crap and he will see that and walk all over it. In no time at all red flags are everywhere but you have grown so close to him you can't say goodbye...so you waste so much of your precious time sticking around hoping, until it ends in a broken heart and more hurt. This is THE PERFECT description of how so many of us humans of both genders get into bad relatinships - scars from the past or not. We also don't want to be 'too picky' or 'bitchy' so we make allowances and let things slip as the red flags pop up all around us. We let the good characteristics charm us and then because of that let the not-so-good things pass. And come to grief in the end.
Author amaysngrace Posted August 17, 2006 Author Posted August 17, 2006 Thank you for all of your insight, Angel. I appreciate it. I am so confused right now about him. I don't think he knows of the abuse. I don't know that I told him, in fact, I probably didn't. He doesn't strike me as an abusive person, even a little. Despondent, maybe, but not abusive. And I've put my foot down and held my ground with him before, but he is the one to keep this thing going. Which I'm hoping comes off as a sign of strength on my part? He is suppose to come by this week to help me plan landscaping in my backyard. He has knowledge there as well. I told him to make it the end of the week because I've had company for the past seven days, today included. So I guess it looks like I've given him another chance to hang himself, huh? If he doesn't come and do this thing for me, which he has offered before, he's a goner. BTW, it's been nearly 18 months since I separated, and was divorced last December. I guess the thing I like best about him is he's cool to hang out with. I know that sounds awful, but from where I am in my life, I don't need a man. I don't need a man's money or his house or his health benefits...nothing. And my children don't need a daddy, they have one. So what's so bad about having a light relationship with another anyway? Is there something so wrong with having someone to hang out with even if you don't plan to ever get married again? I don't know that I'll ever take a relationship as serious as that again, in all honesty. Flawed?...Or normal?
Angel291 Posted August 17, 2006 Posted August 17, 2006 So what's so bad about having a light relationship with another anyway? Is there something so wrong with having someone to hang out with even if you don't plan to ever get married again? I don't know that I'll ever take a relationship as serious as that again, in all honesty. Flawed?...Or normal? I did that with my "no show guy." I decided to tell myself that we were just friends. That we were just going to hang out together and enjoy each others companies. That couldn't be hurtful, I figured. It is just hanging out. Well, that did not last long and I got burnt. Unless you are the soul of chastity and vowed to a life of celibacy, I would stay clear, because it won't stay "just friends." And then you will be in the "red flag cycle" that leads to hurt. My advice is to move on and stay away from him. Good luck
Author amaysngrace Posted August 18, 2006 Author Posted August 18, 2006 Okay well you know what really sucks? He is down the road right now and called me as promised. And soon he'll be coming over and I still haven't gotten it all figured out. Plus, I think I've had one smirnoff ice too many. But the very good news is...I'm on my period. Tee hee
jerbear Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Okay well you know what really sucks? He is down the road right now and called me as promised. And soon he'll be coming over and I still haven't gotten it all figured out. Plus, I think I've had one smirnoff ice too many. But the very good news is...I'm on my period. Tee hee That DID NOT prevent me from getting to her "feminine treasures". It was just messyier. The smirnoff ice may actually reduce the inhibition.
RecordProducer Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Amaysngrace, some men you will let in your life, some you will let in your dining room, some in your bedroom, and some in your heart. Going out on a date doesn't obligate you to anything and please get it out of your head that you have to sleep with him, just because you slept once already or you have to go out with him, because he keeps calling you or you have to see him again if you end up in bed and he confirms his previously estimated sex skills. It's completely up to you what you choose in your life. You owe him nothing whatsoever, remember that! You can go out with him and then go home and never see him again. Or you can go out with him ten more times and choose the pace you want to take. Don't let yourself be under any pressure regarding what HE wants. He is the one chasing after you so he should be doing what YOU want. Plus you're the lady. Be careful when involving lovers in your son's life. He might get attached to a pretender that fakes love toward children just to keep his mom sleeping with him. Yes, some men can be that evil! Given your situation with your son, my advice to you: don't even think about anything serious with someone who doesn't show any attention and affection to your son (not related to this guy). I've had acquaintances and friends who would treat my kids as if they're dogs; wouldn't even say hello to the curious, smiling faces. Every time I was thinking: "What an ass, I would never date him if he were a candidate!" A friend of mine with whom I associated for a couple years, at one point started hitting on me, and although I totally didn't like him, I only pointed out at one reason why the answer was NO. I asked him: "What are my sons' names?" He didn't know. I told him: "How do you expect me to like you?"
Author amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Author Posted August 20, 2006 It's completely up to you what you choose in your life. You owe him nothing whatsoever, remember that! You can go out with him and then go home and never see him again. Or you can go out with him ten more times and choose the pace you want to take. Don't let yourself be under any pressure regarding what HE wants. He is the one chasing after you so he should be doing what YOU want. Plus you're the lady. Thank you so much for this. I needed to re-read it today especially. I told him good-bye last night (for the last time!) It felt empowering to take a stand like this in a choice that would've affected my life for quite some time. I made a choice, and I do believe it was in my very best interest. He's a nice guy. He's cool. But I do think he's not good for me. It was so amazing, after I did. I had the most overwhelming gratitude to EVERYONE at LoveShack. You all have opened my eyes and have opened my mind. Thank you!
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Thank you so much for this. I needed to re-read it today especially. You're welcome! I had the most overwhelming gratitude to EVERYONE at LoveShack. You all have opened my eyes and have opened my mind. That's what we're here for - to wash your (dirty) brain!
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