the_alchemyst Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Sometimes I feel so bad. Sometimes I feel like this can't be real. A few nights ago, my friend asked if she could spend the night here because she was having problems at home. I told her she could, of course. It was pretty late into the AM that night and she was telling me about how her mom doesn't understand her, how she feels so confused, how her bf is so strange, how she doesn't want to work, how she gets painful headaches from the stress, and how she wishes her life was easier, and so on. Well, I was trying to listen, but I had my back turned to her. She was talking and I was trying to listen, but I knew that I was trying harder to not cry. I felt really selfish, being that way, but I just couldn't hold back the tears. In the end, I did talk to her and her my opinions, so it was okay, I guess. I'm glad she didn't notice I was crying, though. I feel really stupid sometimes. These past 6 years . . . I wish they had been different. I wish my parents would have enrolled me in that private school instead. I wish I had taken honors Biology instead. I wish last name didn't start with an S. I wish I hadn't have been reading the Chrono Trigger manual. I wish I would have been absent that day. I wish I hadn't sat at table 6. I wish I hadn't accepted that note. I wish I hadn't have been me. And I wish my parents were here. I wish they would at least call. No, I wish they would at least answer my calls or call me back. 13 voicemails and 0 replies. I wish they would come for me. I wish I could hug them. I wish I could tell them my heart is torn. I wish I could tell them my heart is failing. And I wish, also, that I had at least one friend. One whom I could really trust. I did . . . but now that friend is gone, and I have nothing. I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could stop loving him. I wish my parents would start loving me. I wish I had a healthy heart. But I can't stop crying because I have never really cried, cried. Only a few tears roll down my cheek from time to time--afterall, I can't cry that much, or else I'll get sick, they say. I wish I could rip my heart out. It's so useless. I wish I could . . . Honestly, I wish I could stop pretending I'm 30 years old. I wish I was part of the Occult so I could cast a spell to erase my feelings. And to better my heart. I wish this would all end. I wonder how much more I can take before the end seems like the beginning. Maybe I should be like the little girl and run away. Sometimes I feel so bad. Sometimes I feel like this can't be real.
Ariadne Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Awww {{{alchemyst}}} You are so sad... I don't even know what to tell you because I'm not much better myself but... I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could stop loving him. Yeah, me too, me too. I wish this would all end. Me too! Maybe I should be like the little girl and run away. Yeah, I want to run to the forest and disappear from the world. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Ariadne
Ariadne Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Oh, And I don't know you very much... But I love you. @>-->--'-,--->---- Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
burning 4 revenge Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 What's with all this pity party over here I feel I need to put on an old Bauhaus album and sharpen my razors
burning 4 revenge Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Sometimes I feel like this can't be real. That I can relate to
Mollyanna Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Is there a thread before this? I don't understand. what happened at table 6 and what did the note say?
norajane Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Sometimes I feel so bad. Sometimes I feel like this can't be real. I was trying to listen but I had my back turned I was trying to listen, but I was trying harder to not cry. Could not hold back the tears. I wish I hadn't sat at table 6. I wish I hadn't accepted that note. I wish I hadn't have been me. I wish I could stop crying. I wish I could stop loving him. I wish I had a healthy heart. have I never really cried, cried? Only a few tears roll down from time to time-- afterall, I can't cry that much, or else I'll get sick, they say. I wish I could rip out my heart. useless heart I wish I could... wish I could stop pretending I wish I could cast a spell to erase my feelings to better my heart. I wish this would all end. I wonder how much more I can take before the end seems like the beginning. Maybe I should be like the little girl and run away...run back to the beginning. Sometimes I feel so bad. Sometimes I feel like this can't be real. You have the start of a song or poem there. Your prose is poetic, with a rhythm. Hugs, sweets. And keep writing - spill it out in words if you can't cry enough.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 A's got soul in her. There's a lot of emotion there and something more. I love reading her posts.
KittenMoon Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Is there a thread before this? I don't understand. what happened at table 6 and what did the note say? I think this is just general regret of that "first meeting".
superconductor Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Is there a thread before this? I don't understand. what happened at table 6 and what did the note say? Doesn't really matter. What matters is that alchemyst is hurting.
Mollyanna Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 sorry wasn't trying to be insensitive to that. Was trying to understand better so I could be of some support.
superconductor Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 sorry wasn't trying to be insensitive to that. Was trying to understand better so I could be of some support. OK, fair enough. I was just trying to point out that the reasons are relatively secondary, but I do understand that the flash point for Alchemyst's depression certainly have an influence. Have you ever heard of the drowning man theory of counselling? Basically, it's says that if a man is drowning, you don't try to teach him how to swim. You throw him a life-ring and get him out of the water first, then teach him how to swim. Same thing applies here. Manage the depression first so the patient is thinking clearly, then go back and re-examine the issue that caused it in the first place.
Mollyanna Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 I am the last person to know anything about counseling techniques. I just thought I would offer to be an ear for her to talk to. Sometimes it helps to talk through the situation. oh yeah, isn't that why we are on LS?
Author the_alchemyst Posted August 16, 2006 Author Posted August 16, 2006 Thanks everyone. And thank you for the compliment, nora. I might try and weave a poem/song out of it. And, molly: Aww. Thanks, honey. Actually, I'm a psych major and look at me. And you're quite right. I was truly just looking for someone to listen, and I am happied by the fact that many did. The table six thing--oh, that's just me being nostalgic. Kitten was right: that's just me remembering and regreting the first day we met. I actually wrote something about it. I might post it later.
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