Guest Posted August 14, 2006 Posted August 14, 2006 people refused to begin a relationship with another if they were involved with someone else? Less emotional pain all round, less unhappy, confused children, and less emotionally damaged men and women. Also I am curious as to how an OW/OM could ever really trust their partner if they "won" and got them to leave their spouses? Because you are different? Your relationship is special, the emotional connecion is strong, blah blah blah. RUBBISH. He/she may prefer you now... until you become familiar and boring, too. Develop some SELF RESPECT and MORALS and try to live a life free of sordid lies, deceit and delusion. You might enjoy it!
Guest Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 people refused to begin a relationship with another if they were involved with someone else? Less emotional pain all round, less unhappy, confused children, and less emotionally damaged men and women. Also I am curious as to how an OW/OM could ever really trust their partner if they "won" and got them to leave their spouses? Because you are different? Your relationship is special, the emotional connecion is strong, blah blah blah. RUBBISH. He/she may prefer you now... until you become familiar and boring, too. Develop some SELF RESPECT and MORALS and try to live a life free of sordid lies, deceit and delusion. You might enjoy it! Wouldn't it also be a nicer world if everyone would mind their own f-ing business and not worry about what everyone else does.
Fluffyllama Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Hmm...this post sounds just a little too much like a bitter wife (ex-wife?) for me to take seriously. On the other hand, I agree there's less pain involved if you simply refuse in the first place.
Guest Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Wouldn't it also be a nicer world if everyone would mind their own f-ing business and not worry about what everyone else does. Will you tell the MMs wife to mind her own F-ing business? It is the OP who is interfering where they shouldnt be - in someone elses marriage! Bitter ex wife? No... my H didnt leave, but we all suffered (including the OW) when he cheated. I speak also as the adult whose childhood was pretty f-ed because one of my parents was a serial cheater. It just isnt worth it! If you feel unhappy/unfulfilled in your marriage and cant be bothered to go down the route of counselling (and I accept that some marriages may need to end) then leave, dont cheat and lie and lower yourself. And if the object of the MM/MWs desire said no, I wont get involved with you, because there is a bigger picture here than whether we want to f-ck each other or not, I do believe this would end a lot of disastrous, tangled situations. Oh, and in an open forum, the subject of discussion becomes EVERYONES business, or did the guest believe there would only be pats on the back and poor yous in here?
PoshPrincess Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Of course the world would be a better place if we never got involved with someone elses man/woman but life is never that simple. As for not trusting your MM to cheat if they ended up with you, well, I sometimes think that, but then I cheated on my ex-partner because I was unhappy and had fallen out of love but I have never cheated on anyone else before and hope that I never do it again. My MM knows this happened and could well feel the same about me. Sometimes, we have to learn by these mistakes. A bit different if you're involved with a serial adulterer though; that's when it's time to worry although deep down I expect you would tell yourself that you will be the one to tame him. Don't think I could handle that! You would have to be a pretty confident and secure person.
Adunaphel Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 people refused to begin a relationship with another if they were involved with someone else? It would certainly be a nicer world. A world where nobody cheated would be even better. Unfortunately such an ideal situation can exist only in a computer programmed world, or in any other environment where the biologic, genetic, irrational and emotional factor do not come into play. Less emotional pain all round, less unhappy, confused children, and less emotionally damaged men and women. Also I am curious as to how an OW/OM could ever really trust their partner if they "won" and got them to leave their spouses? Because you are different? Your relationship is special, the emotional connecion is strong, blah blah blah. RUBBISH. He/she may prefer you now... until you become familiar and boring, too. Develop some SELF RESPECT and MORALS and try to live a life free of sordid lies, deceit and delusion. You might enjoy it! What you say makes perfect sense on paper. But not unlike most flawless logic arguments, most good advice, and the best intentions one can have, it is easily (or, more often, less easily) forgotten once you are deep in the situation and your emotions/feelings have come into play. You are right about self respect. But it's not necessarily about having good morals. Many ow and om (as well as many people who try drugs, do something stupid, break the law) are actually just people who have some morals but are doing something stupid. And most of them would rather be in a relatonship with a single, available person - they do not pursue a guy because he is married, they purse (or are pursued by) him even if he is married. Which is still wrong, but there is a difference. All of this to say that your post is pretty useless. Well, if you just wanted to get something off your chest, and venting made you feel better, this is great. But if you were hoping to wake someone up, you have probably wasted your time. The thousands of stories in this forum that do not end well might serve better such a purpose.
Guest Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 It would certainly be a nicer world. A world where nobody cheated would be even better. Unfortunately such an ideal situation can exist only in a computer programmed world, or in any other environment where the biologic, genetic, irrational and emotional factor do not come into play. What you say makes perfect sense on paper. But not unlike most flawless logic arguments, most good advice, and the best intentions one can have, it is easily (or, more often, less easily) forgotten once you are deep in the situation and your emotions/feelings have come into play. You are right about self respect. But it's not necessarily about having good morals. Many ow and om (as well as many people who try drugs, do something stupid, break the law) are actually just people who have some morals but are doing something stupid. And most of them would rather be in a relatonship with a single, available person - they do not pursue a guy because he is married, they purse (or are pursued by) him even if he is married. Which is still wrong, but there is a difference. All of this to say that your post is pretty useless. Well, if you just wanted to get something off your chest, and venting made you feel better, this is great. But if you were hoping to wake someone up, you have probably wasted your time. The thousands of stories in this forum that do not end well might serve better such a purpose. I accept some of what you say, and I know the world is not black and white. It is the kind of person who writes "I like being a mistress" that really angers me. I have just witnessed so much pain - and borne the brunt of it myself - as a result of EMA. I did feel better venting and I do not presume or even hope that anyone will stop an affair because of what I had written, you are right, the testimonies on this and other forums are more likely to do that. It really was me expressing my opinion and thoughts. I dont want to attack anyone personally, but surely the overall theme of this and other forums appears to be that is painful for all involved (especially the children) when people have EMAs.
silktricks Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 {snip} And most of them would rather be in a relatonship with a single, available person - they do not pursue a guy because he is married, they purse (or are pursued by) him even if he is married. Which is still wrong, but there is a difference. Of course there is a difference, but I doubt that even any betrayed spouses assume that the person who pursued their spouse did so simply because he/she was married, but rather in spite of it. Pursuing another in spite of the fact that they are married is just plain wrong. It's understandable, to a certain degree, how a person can get involved with a MM when it's the MM who does the pursuing, but the other way around? Sorry, there is NO excuse for that IMO. All of this to say that your post is pretty useless. Well, if you just wanted to get something off your chest, and venting made you feel better, this is great. But if you were hoping to wake someone up, you have probably wasted your time. The thousands of stories in this forum that do not end well might serve better such a purpose. Of course the stories that don't end well may serve better, but I doubt it. People always think their story is special. That their situation is so much different from anyone elses. But really, almost all of them have the same sad theme. It would be a better world if no one began (or attempted to begin) a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. It would be a better world if no one in a relationship began (or attempted to begin) a relationship with someone else while still in the first relationship. Knowing that is never going to happen doesn't change the fact that it would be better if everyone on earth grew up and took care of their current situation before starting another. Knowing that something won't happen needn't stop us from wanting it, and certainly needn't stop us from talking about it.
lovernotafighter Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I'm sorry for your pain guest...you may have noted on this forum most ow/om are here for support to end it..and there was allot disgust with the poster who enjoyed being a mistress from all sides of the fence. most affairs on this board seems to wasn't what someone had in mind to start but it did and we seem caught up and having trouble with how we got involved in the first place. my self esteem isn't suffering and I do have morals, it's the falling love crap that got me into this and it isn't easy to turn off. imo
Adunaphel Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 I accept some of what you say, and I know the world is not black and white. It is the kind of person who writes "I like being a mistress" that really angers me. I have just witnessed so much pain - and borne the brunt of it myself - as a result of EMA. I did feel better venting and I do not presume or even hope that anyone will stop an affair because of what I had written, you are right, the testimonies on this and other forums are more likely to do that. It really was me expressing my opinion and thoughts. I dont want to attack anyone personally, but surely the overall theme of this and other forums appears to be that is painful for all involved (especially the children) when people have EMAs. I re-read my other post and I would like to apologize if I sounded like an ass before. I guess I was sort of finding excuses/trying not to look so bad in my own eyes. Feeling guilty makes me act defensive. I am sorry that you are dealing with the damage caused by an EMA, really. I hope things will get better. --------------------- Silktricks, you are absolutely right.
saf Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 Pursuing another in spite of the fact that they are married is just plain wrong. It's understandable, to a certain degree, how a person can get involved with a MM when it's the MM who does the pursuing, but the other way around? Sorry, there is NO excuse for that IMO. This is such a crock. Do you mean to say that you've never wanted to have something you don't have? That you haven't done everything you could do to get it? What's the difference? Sometimes a man needs to be tricked to see what's under their nose. If the wife wants to keep him, then she'd better take care of him.
tinktronik Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 This is such a crock. Do you mean to say that you've never wanted to have something you don't have? That you haven't done everything you could do to get it? What's the difference? Sometimes a man needs to be tricked to see what's under their nose. If the wife wants to keep him, then she'd better take care of him. At some point saf ;like at 8 you are supposed to realize its not nice to take someone elses things just because you want to or can . Just because you want something and can't have it ...pshhhh that is explicite selfishness , you are supposed to grow out of it , its called poor impulse controll and is a sign of failed actualization to adulthood . You should get some therapy.
THX2000 Posted August 15, 2006 Posted August 15, 2006 This is such a crock. Do you mean to say that you've never wanted to have something you don't have? That you haven't done everything you could do to get it? What's the difference? Sometimes a man needs to be tricked to see what's under their nose. If the wife wants to keep him, then she'd better take care of him. You are one sick puppy. The one universal truth I have discovered in life is that what comes around goes around and if that is truly your way of doing things and living your life I fear you are going to be a very unhappy person.
Outcast Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 This is such a crock. Do you mean to say that you've never wanted to have something you don't have? That you haven't done everything you could do to get it? Nobody said you or anyone gets everything they want in life, particularly when it's at the expense of someone else. That's why theft is a crime. When thing you crave belongs to someone else, who the hell are you to deserve it more than that person? It's a question people need to ask of themselves When they 'want something they don't have', but in a world where entitlement seems to be the philosophy of the day, sadly I fear we'll see more and more of this sort of attitude. Becoming mature means understanding that you don't get all the goodies in the candy store just because you want them.
Tony T Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 people refused to begin a relationship with another if they were involved with someone else? Less emotional pain all round, less unhappy, confused children, and less emotionally damaged men and women. Also I am curious as to how an OW/OM could ever really trust their partner if they "won" and got them to leave their spouses? Because you are different? Your relationship is special, the emotional connecion is strong, blah blah blah. RUBBISH. He/she may prefer you now... until you become familiar and boring, too. Develop some SELF RESPECT and MORALS and try to live a life free of sordid lies, deceit and delusion. You might enjoy it! Frankly, I'd be much happier with a world where I could eat all the ice cream, donuts, creme brulet, and Godiva Chocolates I wanted and not gain an ounce.
newbby Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 it would be a nicer world if people loved themselves enough to not get involved in negative relationships. like adunaphel, i do not think it is a question of morals for most ow either. definetly self respect. i think most come to a point where they realise that the external is a reflection of the internal and they need to sort themselves out, and then do so. very few ow think they are having a healthy relationship. i too am sorry for your pain.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 16, 2006 Posted August 16, 2006 Pursuing another in spite of the fact that they are married is just plain wrong. It's understandable, to a certain degree, how a person can get involved with a MM when it's the MM who does the pursuing, but the other way around? I can see how it's easier to slide comfortably into the "victim" role if one can convince themselves that they were the one being pursued. However, I still fail to see the difference. Once you discover the person pursuing you is married, it is still your choice to make. Unless they have a gun to your head, in that case it would be rape. We'd all like to think we're otherwise responsible and considerate people with morals … but if you lack the conviction (or willpower) to call on those things when it really counts, than its nothing more than wishful thinking. I'm with you guest: Stop the World, I wanna get off!
UnknowingOW Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 people refused to begin a relationship with another if they were involved with someone else? Less emotional pain all round, less unhappy, confused children, and less emotionally damaged men and women. Also I am curious as to how an OW/OM could ever really trust their partner if they "won" and got them to leave their spouses? Because you are different? Your relationship is special, the emotional connecion is strong, blah blah blah. RUBBISH. He/she may prefer you now... until you become familiar and boring, too. Develop some SELF RESPECT and MORALS and try to live a life free of sordid lies, deceit and delusion. You might enjoy it! I agree it would be nice if the xMM would have told me he was married 5-years ago and I didn't have to find out on my own. Trust is a two-way street. I had given him all the trust in the world until I realized he lied to me and was still married. Then anything he said to me was a red flag. Was I in love with him...yes. Is he in love with me...yes. BUT, it's my morals and self respect which will never ever let him have me again. I'm sorry your going through such pain Guest. I have been there too with my xMM. I love him with all my heart and I will never be with him again. Everyday I wonder why a man I truly admired for many years could do something so selfish and deceitful to me. I'm sure you wondering why your spouse could do this to you.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I think it would be a nicer world if there were less trees and animals and far more women than men. Hmmm, B4R starts drafting plans for the fourth reich
RecordProducer Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 Frankly, I'd be much happier with a world where I could eat all the ice cream, donuts, creme brulet, and Godiva Chocolates I wanted and not gain an ounce.Hahah! I hear ya! It would also be nice if we could seed a $100 bill in our backyard and it could grow up.
silktricks Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 I love him with all my heart and I will never be with him again. Everyday I wonder why a man I truly admired for many years could do something so selfish and deceitful to me. I'm sure you wondering why your spouse could do this to you. UKOW, don't you think it's time for you to stop "loving him with all your heart"? This man lied to you - pretty serious lies - not little white ones. He convinced you that black was white. It seems like you are concentrating on him so much that you won't ever get over him. Love isn't like a disease that you catch. You can get it over it, but not if you keep telling yourself that you love him with all your heart.
PoshPrincess Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 UKOW, don't you think it's time for you to stop "loving him with all your heart"? This man lied to you - pretty serious lies - not little white ones. He convinced you that black was white. It seems like you are concentrating on him so much that you won't ever get over him. Love isn't like a disease that you catch. You can get it over it, but not if you keep telling yourself that you love him with all your heart. I'm sorry but I disagree with some of what you're saying. Sure, this man has been a top a***hole and doesn't deserve her to 'love him with all her heart' but he did lie to UKOW. She is a 'victim' as are all women in her position in that they fell for these men thinking they were available. That's not easy to get out of. I knew my man was married from the start as we were friends. I didn't pursue him and neither did he pursue me. We just fell in love. And don't think I don't curse myself for that every day. I was stupid, I know. I certainly don't see myself as the victim and neither are the other women who knew their men were married. The only victims in these situations are the Ws and the kids. Yep, I am hurting big time but as I have always said, I knew the score and I cannot possibly be hurting as much as his W. I can't complain about any of it (although I do, frequently!) I just happened to fall in love with the wrong person. If I could turn the clocks back I would. I know that I will never ever get involved with another MM again so at least I've learned something even if it is too late.
newbby Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 i agree with PP, if getting over someone was as easy as all that, we could apply that advice to all BS and everyone in the coping sections in these forums, and that would be that.
silktricks Posted August 18, 2006 Posted August 18, 2006 My point is NOT that getting over someone is easy. It's not easy, it's d*mned difficult. BUT if after you've decided that you will NOT be with someone, for whatever reason, then you need to stop telling yourself that you love him with all your heart. As long as you do that you will NOT HEAL, you will not recover, you will only keep hurting and loving and hurting and loving and hurting some more.
UnknowingOW Posted August 19, 2006 Posted August 19, 2006 My point is NOT that getting over someone is easy. It's not easy, it's d*mned difficult. BUT if after you've decided that you will NOT be with someone, for whatever reason, then you need to stop telling yourself that you love him with all your heart. As long as you do that you will NOT HEAL, you will not recover, you will only keep hurting and loving and hurting and loving and hurting some more. I forgiven my xMM. And I do love him and I am not afraid to admit it. And I have moved on. BUT that doesn't mean that my heart will ever be free of him. He loved me as no other had and I had waited years for what for that love. And his lie killed any hope of us. I have moved on. I am dating, and I live my life to it fullest through enrichment, travel, friends and family. So I guess that kinda dispells your idea that you will not recover. I've recovered Silk...that you can be sure of. Silk, there is nothing wrong with admission to loving someone...even if that person is not in your life. You can look back at the good things and smile. Are you still with your 1st love? If not, does that person have a special place in your heart? I'm sure it does for anyone who has loved. And yet you moved on....just like I have, Silk.
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